morning

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Fri 28 Nov 2014, 7:00, 2 replies)

Something something Floridalbert

(McChinaman banned, Fri 28 Nov 2014, 2:51, Reply)

Once shared a hotel room with a friend from Liverpool,
when I woke up my pillow was gone.
(hiraeth SPACE £19.99. I say yer buy one yer get one free, Thu 27 Nov 2014, 21:45, 2 replies)

Vegas
Sharing the hotel corridor with Blink 182 - my son knew who they were all along and only pointed it out after a couple of days when I really was missing the point.
(gearanach #wankwankwank, Thu 27 Nov 2014, 21:30, 4 replies)

Harrow...
Would seem like a lovely place to stay.
I booked it on the internet and it was dead cheap, like stupendously cheap. I didn't see the point in spending any more than I thought I needed to. I really, honestly thought that £30 per room per night would be adequate in North London in 2008. Thats what you think if you're living in the North.
I thought it odd that I had to pay in cash before we saw the room. I still paid though and it was at that point, I realised it had all gone wrong.
On the upside this place was the kind of place where the cockroaches had all gone because it was too far gone for them.
The breakfast was Morrisons value brand marmalade , bread and cereals with a big tub of margarine.
We really should have walked out and gone to that "Grove" place we had passed on the journey in...
Still the "Euro hotel" remains in our collective family memory and I have been reminded of it on more than one occasion.
(gearanach #wankwankwank, Thu 27 Nov 2014, 21:28, 3 replies)

I once stayed in a nice hotel in Positano.
The guy at reception was camp!
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Thu 27 Nov 2014, 20:17, 6 replies)

Mirrors on the ceiling, pink champagne on ice.
That's the last fucking time I'm staying in the Brighton YMCA.
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Thu 27 Nov 2014, 19:17, 5 replies)

Next time, I'll just STFU and smile.
Mid 70s. Working as a bellhop in the Hotel Drake Wilshire in downtown San Francisco. Dressed as an organ grinder's monkey, schlepping a couple of cases downstairs for a couple. Standing in the lift: They are chattering away in machine gun Russian. I am zoning out staring at the brassworks around the floor numbers.

At the lobby, I hold the door open for them. They say "Thank you" in moderately accented English. I give them a polite you're welcome / "Pazhaloosta" in reply. The woman steps around and presses the Close Door button and then hits Stop. The guy, chattering excitedly pushes me up against the far wall without really touching me; asking how much I spoke, where I learned it, etc, etc...

What the unholy fuck they were talking about, I had no idea; desperately telling them that I got the sum total of my rooski from the movie Patton, that I was a student, this was a temp job, I wasn't a CIA operative, and certainly not stupid enough to blow my cover if I WAS. (The CIA was a little bit smarter back then, ... or ... at one time I used to think so.) Took several minutes before they let me out. Scared me no end.
(shamblinthru Grasshopper! Next time use the potholders!, Thu 27 Nov 2014, 18:31, 6 replies)

All of the hotels I have stayed in have been extremely compfortable.
Cheers
( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Thu 27 Nov 2014, 18:13, 3 replies)

Eric Idle.

(McChinaman banned, Thu 27 Nov 2014, 14:35, 3 replies)

More terrifying than terrible.
This is an absolutely true story. Half a lifetime ago I stayed with my wife at a family run hotel at Olivet near Orleans in France. It looked promising in the Michelin red book. The location was in woodland adjacent to a tributary of the Loire called "Le Loiret", and approached by a long narrow driveway lined by dense hedges and overhanging trees. When we arrived, the hotel looked like it was at one time a fairly grand residence but has since gone rather downhill. What was probably once a garden, but so overshadowed by the canopy of trees that it had become home to mushrooms, ferns and moss covered statues. To start with we thought that we had made a mistake, because there were no other cars and the place looked deserted. I parked in the driveway and approached with slight trepidation. As I got nearer to what I assumed was the front door, a figure emerged from around the corner of the building. It was a short and quite portly middle aged lady, who was smartly dressed but most remarkable for being quite appallingly ugly. Her grotesque face was made yet more repellent by thick white make-up, crudely rouged cheeks and gash of scarlet lipstick. She greeted me with a sickly smile and ushered me into a side door. It seemed that this was after all the right place and we were expected. After the checking-in formalities, we were shown up a grand staircase to our room by another lady very similar to the first, with similarly unsightly features. At no point did we see any sign of other guests. The room was enormous, entered by double doors and served by a bathroom almost as big again. On the mantelpiece was a rather satanic looking bronze statue of Pan, complete with goat's feet and horns. Rather than give a complete description, I'll just say that the environment gave the overall impression of being the set for a horror film.

The twin sisters had a younger brother who appeared to be a bit 'special'. I met him when returning to the car to collect our bags. He was wearing blue overalls and was carrying an axe. His dead looking eyes set in a grey pallor and slack jaw made me think that he might have a pile of dismembered bodies hidden somewhere in the forest.

As we got ourselves installed to our room, we tried to make light of the situation, making jokes about the ugly sisters and the axe murdering brother, but at at the same time both genuinely uneasy. I've never known a place quite so creepy. I hardly slept at all, and what sleep I did get was filled with dreams of the statue of Pan coming alive and dancing around the room.

We didn't stay for breakfast.
( notoolsovernight you're all luvvly an' 'orrible, Thu 27 Nov 2014, 13:18, 5 replies)

You can save the hassle of travelling by simply looking up the place on Google Street View.
Photoshop yourself into some images, for lasting memories.

Means you don't have to have any of that foreign food, either.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 27 Nov 2014, 13:08, 7 replies)

Cairo & Montreal
My girlfriend and I had saved up our pennies for a trip to Egypt. The hotel in Cairo looked ok, but in the room the lights didn't work, then the airco didn't work, and then the toilet paper ran out and there wasn't any more. So I phoned reception, and soon a guy knocked on the door. "How many sheets do you want?" I tried to negotiate one entire roll, but he wasn't having that. Apparently we'd have to phone again once we'd used up our allocation. Luckily neither of us got 'gyppy tummy.

On another occasion I was travelling in Canada on my own, and trying to keep the costs down. In Montreal the youth hostel was full but they pointed me in the direction of a street with cheap hotels. The one with the best prices was called 'Love Hotel'. Being young and innocent, I thought the fact that you could book a room by the hour was a quaint Canadian custom. The receptionist looked at me oddly when I said I wanted to stay an entire night, and I was obviously on my own. The room itself was very nicely decorated, all in red and black, with a big bed and a big bath as well, but it did smell a bit odd. All the lights were very dim so I could hardly see to read. Receptionist looked at me very oddly again when I asked if the lights were working ok. Still, it was a very cheap night's stay.
(Smale is stuffed, Thu 27 Nov 2014, 13:02, Reply)

Stayed in a self-catering apartment in Prague with a mate, was haunted. Or it was the beer.
There was a little entrance hall with the door to the other apartment opposite ours.
Nobody was staying in the other apartment, as I found when I got a bollocking from the manager for using the shower there. I'd thought it was part of ours as they'd left it open.

He said he had locked it and accused me of breaking in. It all got a bit unpleasant for a while.

On the first night our bedroom door opened repeatedly and someone would lean in and look at me.

I'd hear the door move and when I turned over I could see the person in the light from the street. Looked like an adult in a dark hoodie with their face in shadow.

The flight had been rough and the beer strong so I thought, heh, the doors're locked, I'm dreaming!
i'd stare a bit and then start to sit up, at which point the figure would slip back through the door and close it.

This happened about three or four times. I wasn't afraid - it was a dream, right? - and in the morning I tried the doors and it they were locked as we'd left them. My mate hadn't seen or heard a thing.

We wondered if someone'd moved into the other flat in the night and was fooling about but they hadn't.
Perhaps the staff were playing silly buggers?

Next night I locked the exterior door again and jammed a chair under the handle, and locked the bedroom door as before. The same thing happened. I was highly entertained.

I offered to swap beds so my mate could see it too but strangely, she refused.

We stayed for a few nights and had a great time, loads of sightseeing and plenty of ale, and the 'visitor' popped in every night.
On the last night I locked the exterior door as usual but left the bedroom door unlocked for a change.

On that night, just once in the small hours, I heard the door open again. This time I didn't even open my eyes. One hand was hanging out of the bed and I felt an icy-cold hand slip into it and hold it. It stayed there for about a minute and then withdrew.

Well, that was a vivd dream! I thought, and pausing only to break wind, went back to sleep.

I've stayed in hotels all over the world, some good, some terrible, but that Prague apartment was the best. Or perhaps it was the Czech beer.
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Thu 27 Nov 2014, 12:54, Reply)

FIRST
like anyone actually reads this any more
(Synchromesh gearbox, overhead cam, Thu 27 Nov 2014, 12:33, 2 replies)

I once went to a hotel and there was some confusion or error made about my booking and/or payment.
Luckily this was all resolved when I became rude and aggressive towards the hotel staff.
(Baggenfrock get fucked, Thu 27 Nov 2014, 12:03, 3 replies)

Floating Hotel
Floatel Northwich Cheshire..its not all WAG's and Range Rovers you know.
We stayed there for one night only while visiting family in the Northwest.
Arrived 8pm on Friday Night, Dining room serving meals till 9.30, Brilliant! We are starving. The menu consited of Nope, nope, sorry no. and finally yes. Minted lamb steaks and chips...You know EXACTLY like the ones you got from Iceland in the 1980's. Not to mention eating this warmed over frozen food meal in the nicotine yellow dining room complete with wicker furniture and beige sticky carpet, we were made to feel so welcome as the staff set out the breakfast service around us.
We eat and retire to the bar about the size of one of the bedrooms for one drink..then to bed to sleep perchance to dream.
What's this pipe running though the bedroom...it looks like a sewage pipe?
My diagnosis was correct it was a sewage pipe. We found that out every time one of the unfourtunate Reps who had been booked in used the toilet. There would be a warm up of rattling, then a thudunk thudunk as everyone in the whole hotel was treated to the news someone had got rid off the shitty overpriced larger. Sleep became a distant memory as we were regaled to the shitting symphony every few minutes.
When we came to check out we attempted to pay with a credit card...Silly us that part of Cheshire still uses pounds shillings and pence. They found a Visa Card carbon paper machine...that wouldn't work because our cards werent fully embossed.
We left never to return again...The place is no longer there, maybe it sank or just floated away down the River Weaver like the gingatic turd it was.
(Gru being trolled since 1998, Thu 27 Nov 2014, 11:33, 3 replies)

Thistle hotel Glasgow.
As I was going to be staying for 30 nights (Detached to the airport), rather than pay myself and claim the money back I got my boss to get HR to supply me with a bankers' cheque for the full amount barring expenses (Which I would pay myself as and when) This was because on my previous detachment it had taken the lazy incompetent fuckers at PPA Bath 8 fucking MONTHS to process my claim and pay me back.

So, I arrive at 6 in the evening and am told that my room wasn't ready yet. An hour later it STILL wasn't. An hour and a half after that it finally was, I go up and there's no running water. I go back to reception and demand another room, this is sorted within 5 minutes. Now, when checking in, I'd explained my situation as to the length of my stay, had handed over the bankers' cheque and explained that it could be cashed by the hotel the next day, and that any room service etc would be paid for by myself rather than covered by the cheque. The receptionist seemed to understand this perfectly.

Two nights later I return to my room to find a note on the bedside table asking me to contact the duty manager "Urgently". I go back down to reception, and ask for the duty manager, who had no idea what this "Urgent" matter was.
The next morning I get a phone call asking me to meet the duty manager, I go down to reception and am guided into an office where the duty manager says "So, you've been here for a few nights now, and I need to know how you're intending to pay"
Me: I've already paid, you got a bankers' cheque for the FULL 30 nights from me when I arrived.
DM: Oh but we need paying for the time you've stayed now.
Me: The cheque I gave you COVERS THE WHOLE of my stay.
DM: But that will be post-dated, we need to know you're not trying to defraud us.
Me: I'm a MoD Civil Servant, the cheque is NOT post-dated and the covering slip is signed by the Met Office's head of HR and stamped as official HMG correspondence, I am NOT trying to defraud you, YOU are trying to scam money from ME.
DM: I can call the police you know.
Me: Go ahead. Call them right now, because I have to work tonight, and I'm tired of this bullshit.
DM: I CAN call them.
Me: I am TELLING you to do so. Now. In addition I want you to check whether or not the bankers' cheque has cleared.
DM: But the cheque will still be in our safe, we can't cash it until you check out.
Me: Then you're an idiot, that cheque is to pay for my stay and SHOULD have been cashed the day after I arrived. As stated in the covering letter I handed over with it.
DM: I don't know anything about that.
Me: Good job I kept a copy for myself then. Rest assured that I WON'T be recommending that the Met Office, OR the MoD uses Thistle hotels in future.
DM: *Checks records* Oh, it seems you're right, I'm sorry to have inconvenienced you.
( stuj (^(^;;^)^) GO TEAM SPIDERS!(^(^;;^)^), Thu 27 Nov 2014, 11:11, 6 replies)

So Mr Wonder, did you enjoy your
stay with us? We put you on the side with a sea view.

Um, yeah. Thanks.
(username failed moderation, Thu 27 Nov 2014, 10:41, 5 replies)

Hmm. A Few.
Sheraton Buenes Aries. Flight arrived very late at night, hotel was booked for the 8th, arriving at 2am - this was written on the booking.

Arrived to check in, the guy says This isn't the 8th, it's the 7th. Pointed out it is the 8th, just rather early, he said we were booked for the following night and would have to pay $250 if we wanted to stay. It's 2am, in a foreign city . . . what to do?

Mrs speaks Spanish, called for the manager, who turned up looking sleepy, tore him a new arsehole and we got our room as booked.

Kaliningrad, Russia - twin room, I put my case on the empty bed, checking out they charged me double as 'You used the second bed'. When I laughed the 6' 8" 'security' guy came and stood next to me to make sure I paid up.

Yemen, had a hotel room with only 3.5 walls. One of them had collapsed and left a 4' gap between the ceiling and the room next door, which was also occupied.

Lagos - leaking aircon unit, had about an inch of water on the floor for the whole time I stayed. Complained, nobody did a thing.
(username failed moderation, Thu 27 Nov 2014, 10:39, 6 replies)

My life pretty much fell apart after my male bovine prostitute lover, Terry, wrote an exposé of me in the tabloids.

( broadsword w⚓, Thu 27 Nov 2014, 10:38, 5 replies)

I went to The Blackpool on a stag do. Apparently as the best man I should've arranged accomodation. all day the whiny bitches were all
"Where are we staying?" Etc.

We had arrived in Blackpool at 11 and at 4 in the encroaching dark of a horrible February afternoon I found our group a lovely BandB. 7 twin rooms for £56. Yes, £8 per room, £4 per person. We agreed to the breakfast upgrade which was £2.50.

The place was well worth the money and the breakfast was impressive. I did not stop there. The place had nylon sheets ffs and so I stopped at Norbreck Castle and went back for breakfast.
( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Thu 27 Nov 2014, 10:34, 1 reply)

Re-Re-Re-post! The True Budget Inn, Hull
The True Budget Inn, Hull
Sweet god alive - this story is legendary AND 100% True - I'm sure someone else has bound to have stayed here.

Stag Do to Hull about 4 or 5 years ago, Mini bus with about 25 Gerodies on, the hotel had been selected for it's cheapness - £15 a head if i remember correctly - how bad can it be? it'll have a bed - that'll do. how wrong we were...

Think that film 'Hostel' - that was the part of town it was in, so we turned up, It looks from the outside like a cross between a 1950's formica factory and an insane asylum. Red brick, cheap rotten windows, hand painted sign. Inside, it's like a big insane asylum once again, 1 long corridoor down the middle painted white, rooms off either side, it stinks and looks like a hospital. There's speakers up and down the corridoor blarring out scouse house - it's 2pm in the afternoon. We book in to be told "there's strippers lads at 6pm in the function room" - ohh it's looking up maybe!

The Rooms - Most rooms were like hospital rooms, with enough space for 2 beds in each, except there were 4 beds in each room - As you do, you go look around your mates bedrooms to compare your facilities;

(*) Room Number 1 - All beds pushed together, filthy bed sheets and empty bottles of baby oil everywhere.

(*) Room Number 2 - All bed clothes on the floor covered in sick, buckets next to 2 of the beds - full of sick. It stinks of piss.

(*) Room Number 3 - Someone had shit the bed then wiped there arse on 1 of the bed sheets. The room stunk of piss

(*) Room Number 4 - Beds together again, sheets covered in blood. Pissy smell again.

and so it went on... "We haven't cleaned yet" we were told. no shit. We all decide at that point we're 1) going to pull some local and stay at hers 2) we're going to stay up all night and not go near the beds.

The Function Room 6pm - Turns out it's the reception/bar/breakfast room/kitchen all in 1. The stripper was beyond belief. Nasty and rubbish. After a short while of pleasuring herself with an old and well used vibrator, she called the stag over and promptly shoved it in HIS gob - 50% of the audience dry heaved at that point. I Think most of us left half way through the show. So we head out into Hull for the main show.

Most of us return between 3 and 4am to find the music STILL being pumped thru the speakers so we head back to the breakfast area and decide to play cards for the next 5 hours till it's home time, powered by coke, speed and a few pills. The most horrific thing was around 8am, a couple came down for their breakfast, complete with 1 year old in high chair, sit on the table next to us and start eating a full english?!?!?!? THEY STAYED HERE?!?! What must have they thought coming down to breakfast to sit next to a table full of pilled up idiots playing cards, smoking and swearing?!?! i felt so sorry for them - but why did they stay? it's horrific? ON HOLIDAY?

the mini bus left around 8:30. I've never felt so dirty

~~~~~~~~~~
Since posting this, i've Google Street Viewed it and it looks like it's not a training centre or something. *shudders*
(TheManofScience, Thu 27 Nov 2014, 10:33, 4 replies)

I went to a hotel where they had a really weird calendar where one week lasted exactly 7 days.

(eViLegion Chief Commissioner of the Scottish Lunacy Board, Thu 27 Nov 2014, 10:19, 2 replies)

Tenby
We "won" a holiday in Tenby in mid-November.

Gale force winds & rain all weekend, nothing seemed to be open, and the only entertainment was provided by a television that we had to feed with £1 coins every 15 minutes.
( rofl harris, Thu 27 Nov 2014, 9:56, 1 reply)

went to a conference in cambridge and we had to sleep in the student halls at one of the colleges
we booked a bit too late and got the shit 1980's block around the back.
the curtains didn't keep out the light.
you had to share a bathroom.
every time anyone in the block closed a door, the entire shoddily built block reverberated and woke you up. one piss = 4 closed doors. gash.

and cambridge has some fucking terrible nightlife. worst. clubs. ever.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 27 Nov 2014, 9:56, 4 replies)

No champagne in the minibar.
It was like East Berlin during the Cold War.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 27 Nov 2014, 9:52, 8 replies)

Second.
Damn you Meatsnake
( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Thu 27 Nov 2014, 9:43, 2 replies)

FIRST

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Thu 27 Nov 2014, 9:43, 1 reply)