The Sweeney... (midget style)

This one happened leading up to Christmas, its just occured to me it has a Credit Crunch theme...

There's an estate agents across the road from where I work.

For the last couple of years I've watched the fuckwits who work there high five each other and do little dances of joy to celebrate another obscene commission for doing, essentially, fuck all. The estate agents share the same pub as my company, so every friday evening for the last couple of years I've had to endure the most tasteless display of abject wealth since Caligula decided to invite a few mates round for drinkies, nibbles and to take it from there.

These estate agents are unbelievable. Quite frankly, their bragging about ripping people off and squeezing thousands and thousands out of their clients was really starting to piss me off. Yeah, do it by all means. But why the fuck do you think that a complete stranger in the pub will really be interested in how much money you made today for stretching the truth, you bastard? And their endless disapearing to the toilets to deposit half of what they'd just 'earned' up their nose just made them even louder and even more obnoxious, if that were at all possible.

To make matters worse, the estate agents started letching over the girls in my office. This is not on. This is quite clearly my job.

It all really came to a head when a fleet of Smart cars appeared outside the estate agents office. So now whenever I walk down the street I feel like I'm in fucking Toy Town. Sight of one of those 'cars' sends me into a rage instantly. Basically, I hate them and everyone who drives one of them. Saving the environment? Like fuck you are, you smug fucking prick...

So, its been quite a pleasure to see the number of estate agents dwindle (they're down to three now), and see the high fives dissipate. Its been lovely to look out the window and see these three fuckwits wander aimlessly round their office as if their stuck in the Big-fucking-Brother house with nothing to do. And its been especially nice to go for a hard earned pint on a Friday without having to listen to how these shits had legally fleeced some fucker out of thousands, and how they were gonna blow their 'hard earned' cash on yet another ski-ing holiday or another oject d'art...

Just before Christmas I found myself looking after the office. I had the place to myself and seemed to spend most of the morning looking at the three estate agents mulling about in the office opposite. It was better than London Zoo. I don't know what came over me, maybe it was the season of goodwill, maybe it was the fact I'd just watched The Muppets Christmas Carol on my Ipod thing, maybe it was the fact I was taking a cheeky swig out of a bottle of Baileys for most of the morning to make the day go quicker... But I actually started feeling sorry for these people...

Without thinking too much I picked up the phone, glanced across the road to the estate agents sign, and dialed their number.

'Hello, ****** Realty, how may I help you?'

'Guuud morne - innggg, I have house to sell, yesssss?' Said I. 'In REEEE - gents PAAARKKK. Given to MEEEE by my fat - herrr, King Solomon Olijawala...'

I could see through the window the estate agent stiffen.

I proceeded to give the fella an address of a really expensive house up near Regents Park that's on my twatting-about-on-a-skateboard-route in this really peculiar accent.

'I AMM in NOOO-WWWW, you CUM IhMM-EDDIATELY, YESSSS???' And *click* I replace the receiver...

I sit back and it was nice to enjoy the displays of high-fives, I'd sort of missed them in a way. And it was even nicer to see two of the three tear-arse out of their office and scramble into their Smart cars, like some Lillipution version of The Sweeney, and piss off up to Regents.

Bless um...
( SpankyHanky, Mon 26 Jan 2009, 11:07, 9 replies)

This ^^
Caused Monday Morning giggles..Thank you
(Beer Elf Thought this was like a campfire, anyhow, on, Mon 26 Jan 2009, 11:40, closed)

The only way this could have been funnier
is if you had chosen a house you knew to be surrounded by vicious dogs/inhabited by precocious nudists.
( Olembe Refuses to write in this space, Mon 26 Jan 2009, 12:06, closed)

.
Isss neece story.

Clicssssss
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Mon 26 Jan 2009, 12:38, closed)

I hate estate agents
I don't have much sympathy for them really. I guess though if you're buying a house, now is the time to do it. The agents are desperate for your money so they'll put more pressure on the sellers to accept anything.

Fortunately I sold my house last year just as the market was about to tumble. Agent trapped himself into a 1% commission too because he thought we'd be buying another house of his. Sadly for him somebody gazumped us on the day we were due to sign. In retrospect this was a good thing since we bought a site instead and the house is almost done. Been renting for the last year.
(MagicMoose, Mon 26 Jan 2009, 13:24, closed)

Is niice
clicks.
(powervator and NONE SHALL PASS, Mon 26 Jan 2009, 19:23, closed)

yessss
the past few years has created some of the biggest wankers ever, I'm loving this fall from grace.
(knackerz is skinning up, Tue 27 Jan 2009, 1:15, closed)

Nice!
A job well done, made my tuesday morning. Thanks.
(Cousin Walter., Tue 27 Jan 2009, 3:12, closed)

HA HA!!!
Please let this be true
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Wed 28 Jan 2009, 14:46, closed)

Afraid so...
Oh, the endless hours of fun to be had with a works telephone...
( SpankyHanky, Wed 28 Jan 2009, 15:00, closed)