‘A clinch in a crunch’…(or 'Pooflake’s attempt at light relief in a crisis')…

Only last year, I was stood by the bar nursing my pint, and chatting with my mate about the dire financial crisis…when she walked in…

Something in the way she moved…told me she was looking for some Hot Stuff.

She was a brown eyed girl, but also most definitely an uptown girl.

With a secret smile I gesture towards her and whisper to my mate: “Don’t look now, but she’s amazing! - Bootylicious!”

My mate recognised her and advised hauntingly: “She’s a devil woman…Dont Be Surprised If She Asked Where The Cash At Where The Where The Cash At, Where The Cash At?”

(Quite why he chose to repeat himself so many times I don’t know – perhaps he wanted to hammer the point home)

“Obviously, she’s out of my league” I replied, “But something tells me I’m into something good…I’ll take a chance…”

Even though I’m a charmless man, I sauntered over towards her and enquired “Hey ya!...What’s goin on?”

“Ain’t nothing goin’ on but the rent” She spat derisively, dragging me down.

After blowing the cobwebs from my cheesiest chat up line I continued smarmily:

“If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?”

“In your dreams...Creep!” she replied.

I fixed a perplexed look across my face as she proceeded to coldly launch into some sort of bizarre ‘sales pitch’ to explain in no uncertain terms exactly what she was after:

“I’m looking for a partner, regardless of expense” she said before proposing: “I've got the brains, you've got the looks, Let's make lots of…”.

“Stop right now, thank you very much” I interrupted before announcing in an everso ‘high-and-mighty’ way…

“I believe” I began to argue “The best things in life are free…can’t buy me love and all that jazz?”

I started to suspect that in these times of recession, she might have indeed developed some sort of cash-addiction issue, because she cackled insanely as she mercilessly continued:

“Money, its a hit. Dont give me that do goody good bullshit”.

I grew tired of her single minded attitude and questioned her ethics: “Money Money Money!”, I stated despondently, “Is not my first, my last, my everything! Yes, I suppose it must be funny…in a rich man’s world, but as far as I’m concerned…Money, (like my arse), is too tight to mention”

“But I’m a Material Girl” she professed, “I want handbags…and gladrags…diamonds and pearls*”

I questioned: “Nothing else matters?”

She replied: “Don’t get me started”

At this point I decided to give it ‘one more try’.

‘I’ve never met a girl like you before” I ventured “But we’ve gotta get out of this place. …Let’s spend the night together!”

Incredibly, she said: ”Sounds like a Masterplan…”

Next thing I know, we’re off down to her place (on Baker Street), and after one hot minute, we’re rolling like thunder, under the covers.

Suddenly she stopped. “Think twice…” she stammered. “We don’t have to take our clothes off to have a good time?”

…

Understandably, my (Norwegian) wood began to rapidly deplete and I could only reply: “but…but…What-I-got-I-gotta-get-and-put-it-in-you…?”

“Whatever” she said, and then she skilfully manoeuvred her posh panties to one side before formally introducing her Glory Box to my Rocket Man…thankfully, in no time at all, we were back ‘Gettin’ Jiggy with it’

“Mmmm Mmmm Mmmm Mmmm” she began to sigh, “Deeper and deeper”

As I tried to pick up the pace she cried out: "Give give give me more more more!” then to my total surprise she popped me the ‘old shocker’ by forcefully inserting a chubby digit into my quivering ring of fire.

On experiencing the immediate sensation of burning love I screamed “Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeey Baby! Ooh! Ahh!” before whimpering: “Now…I will do anything for love, (But I won’t do that)!”

“Don’t stop me now” She screeched, twisting and shouting like a epileptic kangaroo with a jetpack attached: “I’m havin’ such a good time…

I’m havin’ a…”

And with that, she reached down and firmly gripped on the roundest of my gentleman’s vegetables…

“WOW! WOW! WOW! WOW! WOW! Wow – Unbelievable!” I screamed – then I say a little prayer as I leap higher and higher into the air before starting to feel some distinctly good vibrations…

As we started to come together I began to feel a peaceful, easy feeling (and the occasional ‘careless whisper’) as she mewed: “This is my moment….this is my perfect moment” before we metaphorically exploded into a mutual tidal wave-like exchange of bodily fluids.

“It’s a kind of magic!” I said. “You’re simply the best!”

And with that, she was now head over heels…her once tough-as-nails, greedy exterior had slip-slided away into a tender embrace as, breathless with spent passion she cooed:

“I’ve had the time of my life. (now) I’m never gonna give you up….

…Never ever”

And as time goes by…we two are one.



So, lovely reader, even though your credit is being crunched, your recession gives depression and you think ‘it’s the end of the world as we know it’, all I can say is…Have a little patience…Don’t worry – be happy, and most importantly…




All you need is love.



*Apologies for the Prince reference. Lest we forget that he is a stumpy cumbubble cock-face.
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Mon 26 Jan 2009, 12:43, 11 replies)

Cheers
matey! That is great, and this board has been a bit depressing this week...
( SpankyHanky, Mon 26 Jan 2009, 12:47, closed)

Hmmmmm...
I'm afraid that this has rendered me so shockingly aghast that I can't click.
( Cawl, Mon 26 Jan 2009, 12:47, closed)

Nice one!
I'm trying to work out all the references, then it's "Pooflake story mix CD" time!

*click*
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Mon 26 Jan 2009, 13:01, closed)

Ooh I wouldn't bother mate...

There are a few classics in there, (Beatles, Stones, Floyd, Inspiral Carpets, Radiohead) but for some unexplained reason most of my references are from cheesy 80s & 90's pop wank efforts.

I mean, FFS, 'Think twice'? Celine Dion!, the Spice Girls, Westlife, Rick Astley... What the shuddering wank-spaz was I thinking?

*goes for a lie-down*
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Mon 26 Jan 2009, 13:10, closed)

Actually...........
Reading it again, you're right! You should feel ashamed at so many cheesy references.*

*realises that I knew song and artist for all the references.

*shames*
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Mon 26 Jan 2009, 13:26, closed)

Prince?
What is your problem with him? (Other than his stumpy-cumbubble-cockfacedness?

He never meant to cause you any trouble. He never meant to cause you any pain. He just wants your - jingajingajingajingajing - kiss.
(Tugnut I got them all..., Mon 26 Jan 2009, 13:14, closed)

Prince...
A year or so ago...

B3ta held an image challenge comp based on him. After all, he's an easy and obvious target.

Yet the humourless purple parasitic poo-pants got his lawyers to threaten to shut B3ta down unless they withdrew the comp and did a grovelling apology.

Which they did.
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Mon 26 Jan 2009, 13:28, closed)

In that case...
FUCK YOU PRINCE YOU SHORTARSED PURPLE HELMET!

And I am going to go home and have a big poo on my copy of Graffiti Bridge. (Not any of the good stuff before that though.)
(Tugnut I got them all..., Mon 26 Jan 2009, 13:45, closed)

The purple midget rocker...
...is a workaholic apparently. For every album he's released, there are supposed to be three more in his vaults.

So if when he snuffs it, we'll have another twenty five years of him. Only they will be the shit ones, not ordinarily good enough to make the grade.

One sincerely hopes Geri Halliwell doesn't have a similar unreleased back-catologue.

Great post BTW Pooflake.
*clicky*
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Mon 26 Jan 2009, 16:46, closed)

FYI...

There are a total of 85 deliberate references to song titles and 'famous' lyrics in this post.

Any more than that are purely accidental.
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Mon 26 Jan 2009, 14:37, closed)

I lost count after seventy.
*click*

Genius. Possibly an uplifting winner in a depressing QOTW.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Mon 26 Jan 2009, 20:13, closed)