I'm planning to pearoast this one day
Some years ago there was a tragic story in my hometown that made national headlines; some poor chap had apparently jumped to his death. Police found the walls of his home plastered with pages from a bible and enough Devil Rides Out kind of evidence to suggest a frail and fatally paranoid state of mind. Case closed, but it precipitated a bit of a media frenzy over the threat of Satanic ritualism sweeping the nation. Tragic as the story was it was it was the inspiration I needed for a cheap and decorative strategy to liven up the small corridor between my loo and lounge. It was also, I thought, a testament to my atheism, a powerful demonstration of my lack of respect for the holy tome. My closest friends would also see the funny side.

I didn't have to search many charity shops to find a suitably foxed and ancient bible, and with a packet of B&Q paste mix I'd spent about 15 quid and was on my way.

I carefully centered the pages, starting at ceiling level and worked my way around, then another course progressing down the walls, stopping occasionally to reflect how much better it was looking than I imagined.

Alas, I ran out of pages about a foot below the door heads. There was no way I'd find another bible in the same print run, which was what I'd need to continue the theme without a glaring break in the pattern.

Easy enough mistake, you might think, could happen to anybody, all part of the creative process - but then you probably haven't spent more than twenty years on this planet as a Quantity Surveyor.

That story was funnier when I first remembered it so I'll slip this in as a sop to the disappointed;

As a teenager, one of my friends found himself having to wait at home to let his mum in, she had phoned to say she had left her key behind. Bored with waiting and due to meet me at the pub, he came up with a plan to leave a key under the doormat - a common enough plan but not something his family had a culture of doing.

A couple of hours later, his mum stormed into the pub, grabbed him by the ear and dragged him out yelling "If you're going to fucking leave a fucking key under the fucking doormat, don't leave a fucking note on the fucking door saying 'mum - I've hidden your key under the doormat' you fucking moron!!"
(J H Christ began in Afrika ka ka ka ka, Sun 8 Jul 2012, 5:37, 5 replies)

Surely...
..you'd need two bibles so that both sides of each page were visible?
(Ladyfingers is in your wardrobe,, Sun 8 Jul 2012, 7:22, closed)

Don't suggest that!
Quantity Surveyors are OCD enough as it is!
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Sun 8 Jul 2012, 8:56, closed)

Mebbe that's where the suicidist went wrong.
(J H Christ began in Afrika ka ka ka ka, Mon 9 Jul 2012, 0:51, closed)

Your mate's mum swears a lot, doesn't she.

( The Awful Puppy Bakery is still bored, Sun 8 Jul 2012, 12:10, closed)

Absolutely. Have you ever done that though, gone round a mate's house and stood slack jawed as they swear at each other? Its more common these days I suspect, but in the early '80's it was a helluva of a shock.
(J H Christ began in Afrika ka ka ka ka, Mon 9 Jul 2012, 0:54, closed)