whenever I mention that "we" are doing something
he replies, "what's this 'we' business? you got a mouse in your pocket?"
but he's otherwise got a great and abnormal sense of humor :)
(KnitWit, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 5:32, Reply)

To threaten me
my dad used to say 'Do you know what my favourite flowers are? Violents.' With a Millwall supporter accent.
(Robertvaliant, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 5:30, Reply)

More nicknames-related than jokes...
Considering my father's idea of jokes is blatantly repeating every episode of Monty Python's Flying Circus and Fawlty Towers, he tends to save his creativity in creating nicknames for people and stores, e.g.

Red Rooster = Red Rooter
K-Mart = K-Fart
Charlie Dimmock = Tits, and
Some poor lass with a considerable overbite = Jaws.

When as drunk as can possibly be he will either ask you to "close your eyes and open your hands", leaving you with the present of his false teeth or teeter around the house, a red bed spread covering his 6'4" frame squealing in falsetto that he's feckin' Little Red Riding Hood.

Also, when delivering his speech at my wedding he said "if you have problems with her, do what we did: put her on a leash".

Oh, how we all laughed.
(Yarbo, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 5:26, Reply)

Doody.. :(
On a TV show entitled 'The PJs'- a claymation sort of deal with Eddie Murphys voice, the wife character once told her husband to do his duty, and he replied, 'MY DOODY STINKS!' My dad laugher uproariously for several minutes. This was year's ago, and he still says 'MY DOODY STINKS!' whenever the word 'duty' is uttered. Very embarrasing in public situations.
(haykoe, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 4:43, Reply)

Passed down from my Grandmother , to my father , to me
For three generations now, whenever the grocery shopping is being done, someone in my family has to say "You can beat an egg, but you can't beat a root" whenever purchasing beetroot. This charmer came from my father's mother who probably picked it up from a Benny Hill special or Carry On film.

Also, after anyone went to the toilet he would say to them "Smells like a goanna crawled up your arse and died". In fact I'm sure he still says it.
(birdynumnum, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 4:12, Reply)

couple from my dad
whenever he used to cut the chese he'd make a comment along "is that your motorcycle?",
also whenever one of us kids was going on about something he'd say
"are you sure?"
and we'd go "yeah!"
"absolutly positivly sure?"
yeah, we were absolutly positivly sure
"only fools are absolutly positivly sure"
only as im now typing this do i see the subtle wisdome in a bad joke there now.
(Mynd, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 3:38, Reply)

my dada is daied and he's not going to take it anymore
actually my father was really funny, he could really tell a joke. It's in the delivery, not just the joke it'self
(I admire hughes, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 3:35, Reply)

With a concerned look on his face
he says "oh let me help. you're working far too hard." and then procedes to pick up a small trinket that you happen to be carrying, and "tows" it into the house.
(Armer Farmer, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 3:19, Reply)

on a serious note, away from the idea of having sex with tortoises,
my dad and mum had a bit of a tiff once on holiday, anyway that night we went to some gay restaurant and my mum ordered the fish.
My dad joked 'make sure it's dead, like her heart'
my mum walked home.
my dad went after her.
they probably had sex that night because they were all fine the next day
( Sunshine Elephant, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 3:19, Reply)

well techinically this is my uncle...
My uncle has a land shark bike(its pink)and always makes the land shark joke from SNL.
(Philosophacles Now is my chance to be funny, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 3:02, Reply)

My dad's observation
Every time we'd pass a Burger King. (Probably still in the UK, I know they're fading in the US because they're just plain shitty.) He'd say 'Booger King!' Also, on the TV there was some lame AT&T commercial about how people in the US were all taking to European whims, (All very stupid I must say.) and there were two Hell's Angels guys kissing each other on the cheek. My dad's eyes widened, and he said, "Oh! Homosexual!"

Strange.
(andophiroxia, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 2:57, Reply)

the classic
line my dad used to say before having EVERY shit would be '..give blackburn meadows (local sewage treatment works) a ring...let them know theres one on its way..'

oh how we laughed =/
( slight wiff of cabbage, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 2:53, Reply)

I'm not a dad yet. Though I do love a good dad joke
You can't go wrong with 'Dad I'm hungry', 'Hi hungry I'm dad'.
Then there is 'time to go to the dentist, it's 2:30'.
(notthatgreg, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 2:51, Reply)

'you're adopted'

( Sunshine Elephant, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 2:48, Reply)

this is the most depressing
subject ever! what's wrong with the world?
take care of yourselves
(sextuple rooty, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 2:43, Reply)

My dad is always making crap jokes.
Things like "I'm proud of you son, I'm a wit, but you're still only half as good as me!"

Or with Iraq "Did you remember the bomb in your bag dad?" :-(

Worst thing is, when he's drunk, he's incredibly funny, a bit like me :-P.
(stav999999, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 2:39, Reply)

Just remembered another really silly thing he would say...always.
"What, you don't like peas (subsitute any hated foodstuff)?....They like you!"
(Grisly_Remains, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 2:34, Reply)

jinx's one reminded me
of when me and my mates were watching a film, and my dad walked into the room and asked us if we wanted any cockporn.
he meant popcorn, but he's a bumbling idiot.
( Sir Sand GOBLIN ^popular page dis, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 2:30, Reply)

HOSPITAL DAD
I've been an accident prone ass most of my life and have ended up in the emergency room more than a few times. My father's favorite joke no matter what had happened to me is "Doctor will she be able to play the piano?" When the doctor affirms that yes, I can play the piano, always the same "funny, she couldn't play it before..."

hahaha
(katiel, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 2:30, Reply)

My Dad always made feisty remarks
when waiting in traffic behind a hesitant driver, such as:

"I have a string if you want to get out and lead it!" or,
"What shade of green are you waiting for ...a nice chartreuse?"

Edit: My dad died a couple of years ago. Thanks for giving me an excuse to remember his dumb jokes and him.
(Grisly_Remains, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 2:26, Reply)

Board Games
Not a joke, per se, but an anecdote:

Last Christmas, my dad was getting out this wheel of cheese from the fridge and getting it ready to place out on the kitchen table for a buffet. He looked at it for a moment and attempted to comment how the six different wedges of cheese reminded him of a certain trivia-based board game.

He started the sentence with "That looks just like the little cheesy counters from that game... you know..." And then his voice faltered and he started mumbling; presumably to recall the name of the game he was searching for. I didn't help, I just stood there giving him a funny look.

After about a minute, his face brightened and he exclaimed loudly: "Pubic Trapeze!"

After I had picked myself up from the floor and the pain of laughing had died down, I gently reminded him that he was looking for the words "Trivial" and "Pursuit".
( Jinxx has been away a long time, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 2:25, Reply)

Every Christmas
or big family meal, my dad will take the plate mat things and say
"these are big biscuits",
then grin and mug like an utter arse.
It use to make me cringe, now i dread it for months on end. I may shoot him this year.
( e.parsley, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 2:21, Reply)

My dad´s everyday joke
He works with an argentinan guy whose last name is Perusanto, which means here "Holy Cock". That´s the main theme of his jokes all the time.
(Monocromatico Lady Godiva's horse, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 2:16, Reply)

well, whenever my dad walks past a bunch of thistles,
he stops at one of them, points, and claims that "this'll do".

Aha.
He also likes to put his willy in the toaster.
( Sir Sand GOBLIN ^popular page dis, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 2:15, Reply)

not so much a joke
but a comment, when i was about 8 i had an operation on y leg, just a muscle biopsy, but a general anesthetic, not something i was looking forward to.

so my dad piped up with the comment "if you're lucky, they won't cut your legs off"
( Dr. Kitteny Berk almost certainly drunk, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 2:13, Reply)

That day when i walked in and they were having sex
Oh how we laughed
(Sweenster [Lurker Mode Deactivated], Wed 10 Dec 2003, 2:13, Reply)

"Terry, let's have a child"
"YEAH, WE COULD CALL HIM VORK!?!111"

Cunt.
(vork and burlap, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 2:13, Reply)

my dad always joked that one day he would walk out and leave us
one day he did....

guess it wasnt that funny really....
( Azra3l Lubrication Persuasion and Brute Force ™, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 2:13, Reply)

my dad always says that i was his biggest joke
but i dont get it...
( ChaosTime The Fucking Moon Lord, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 2:12, Reply)

I don't
have a dad. *sob*
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 2:11, Reply)