The Tale Of Kaol And The Hoover
Back when I was in my first year of university I was living in a "Luxury, Catered Hall Of Residence".

Turns out it wasn't quite as described.
The window frame was unclosably-fucked, the walls had slimy, creeping mould-problems, the food tasted like it was made of boiled abortions and the retards that lived on my corridor seemed to have no purpose in life other than setting the fire alarm off at 3am every morning.

We had fortnightly room inspections, to make sure that we didn't have any items on the "banned list*" in our possession, and to check that we hadn't shit on the floor and smeared it on the walls.

I passed the above test, with flying colours, but was told to "hoover the carpet".
Fair enough, I thought.
So, off I went to get the municiple Henry, only to find that the morons that I lived with had "killed" it in an attempt to see "how many pints of water we can feed it before it explodes. Five, apparently.
I wish it had fried them.

It was 13 days before we got a replacement.
So, the morning of the next room inspection, I crawled out of bed, the room spinning from a night that involved too much cheap vodka and not enough sleep.

I started hoovering.

I wondered how powerful the suction was.

I decided to put the pipe in my mouth.

Turns out that a hoover can suck all of the air out of your lungs, leaving you unable to breathe and a horrible dry feeling, deep inside.
Takes a good fifteen minutes to recover from this rapid evacuation, during which time the room inspectors will find you, on the floor, mostly naked.
It feels like years of your life have been forcibly removed.

*A list that included "Inflatable furniture", "Posters" and possibly "Livestock".
( Cawl, Tue 17 Feb 2009, 16:47, 20 replies)

Office LOL.
Top stuff

*applies clickage*
( gareth_alien will be human again at, Tue 17 Feb 2009, 16:54, closed)

Good work Kaol
*applauds*
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Tue 17 Feb 2009, 17:03, closed)

Heheh
I've done this. We had a red Henry in our workshop that we used as an extractor for routers.

I took the biggest breath of my life after that :)
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Tue 17 Feb 2009, 17:05, closed)

"feels like years of your life have been forcibly removed"
like the machine in the Princess Bride?

interesting factoid: the 6 fingered man from the Princess Bride is played by the guitarist from Spinal Tap.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 17 Feb 2009, 17:07, closed)

Exactly what it reminded me of!
Perhaps another reason why I shouldn't've done it.
( Cawl, Tue 17 Feb 2009, 17:09, closed)

Christopher Guest.
Lord Something of Somewhere in real life. Sits in the House of Lords. Married to Jamie Lee Curtis.
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Tue 17 Feb 2009, 17:10, closed)

Well he did sit in the House of Lords
But since the HOL Act 1999 he hasn't been able as the act severely restricted hereditary peers.
(powervator and NONE SHALL PASS, Tue 17 Feb 2009, 17:22, closed)

aha.
I stand corrected. Well, sit corrected. In my house of correction.

*thwack*
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Tue 17 Feb 2009, 21:12, closed)

No need!
I am a boring idiot with too many silly irrelevant facts in my head :-)
(powervator and NONE SHALL PASS, Tue 17 Feb 2009, 21:45, closed)

That's very funny.
Very silly, but very funny.
( Moey, Tue 17 Feb 2009, 17:08, closed)

Maybe
That's where the low-register singing voice comes from? After your spot at the Belmers (greatest, best-looking and laziest band in christendom) gig, there were lovesick sperm whales* mooning about in the local canal!




*And I don't mean the local "Ladies", they were just a bit "circumferentially enhanced"**.

*click*


** As compared to the Sperm whales
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Tue 17 Feb 2009, 17:10, closed)

sounds like...
Henry Price building in Leeds - built over a Cholera Plague pit (hence no A-Block, as they went from B to F for some reason), the asbestos used to fall out of the overhead heating pipes and on to your bed when you shut the door, there were gaps around all the windows (great for insulation and safe at 5 storeys up, obviously)..oh and the shower was a tap you pulled of the sink and hung on the wall. Over the toilet. Shared between 4 people. Still, it was great for hangovers - you could brush your teeth, have a shower and take a dump at the same time....
(Chad, Tue 17 Feb 2009, 17:14, closed)

We used our college henry for hoovering up spilt milk and eggs
we may have accidentally dropped more on purpose as it was so effective at picking it up. Took about three weeks for the smell to become apparent though.
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Tue 17 Feb 2009, 17:23, closed)

Regarding the banned list:
They do have a point with some prohibited items. Now, my memory isn't what it used to be; but if I recall correctly, there are over 30,000 poster-related deaths each year.
(The Incredible Sulk Finally remembered his password on, Tue 17 Feb 2009, 17:47, closed)

uh
I think it's 'Foster's related deaths' actually. Well, I felt dead last time I drank the vile liquid feculence.
(powervator and NONE SHALL PASS, Tue 17 Feb 2009, 21:58, closed)

he he
All I can picture is that moment when Homer Simpson gets his face sucked into a hoover now.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Tue 17 Feb 2009, 17:58, closed)

Hahahahaha!
Just be thankful it wasn't an aquamatic. You'd have been pumped full of dirty water and then sucked dry.
( warmfuzzies Isn't here, Tue 17 Feb 2009, 21:51, closed)

There's a term for this
Lucky Pierre.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Wed 18 Feb 2009, 1:47, closed)

In my halls
we had to jointly pay for a new Henry after some girl who had never seen a vacuum cleaner before due to being so posh tried vacuuming up water with it.
(deadly_sinners, Tue 17 Feb 2009, 23:18, closed)

If she was so posh
she should have paid for it herself.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Wed 18 Feb 2009, 1:31, closed)