repost from 20th Oct 2011


I met a girl on Match
she looked pretty, she came across bubbly. We agreed to meetup for some drinks.

I put on a nice shirt, jeans, shoes.

I arrived at the bar (actually a hotel) and waited with a beer.

Then she arrived, dolled up to the max. 6" stilettos, shiny pink mini dress, Brunette hair done to the max. She was stunning, but in a trashy Jordan kinda way.

She looked alot like a hooker.

We chatted, I drank, she drank more ( i noticed drinks seemed to evaporate in front of her).

She then decided to tell me all of her history (bear in mind this was more of a meetup and see what you think of each other rather than a date)

Lord help me her history.

She told me she was a stripper in Manchester (half my brain at this point went into celebration mode, the other went into a mild panic. Not GF material, but a hell of a shag on the cards?), and that she used to date a of Head of one of the largest gangs in Liverpool. Alarm bells are starting to ring here.

I had just finished telling her a charming quip about how my car isnt fast, but its a nice runner. But, in return, and quite off topic I was now proceeding to get smashed in the face with facts about her history.. and not nice facts. Bang one after another!

My mind wandered about how out of the norm it was to divulge such secrets to what i was - a complete stranger - a stranger you are looking to date. He has bought you one drink, you have known each other for 90 mins.

"...and then I tried to commit suicide" she said, as i connected back into the conversation again.

"What? wow", I tried to act sympathetic, but I knew I could bolt.. if I wanted to. But hey, Id had a few pints and I couldnt be @rsed, plus I hadnt had s3x in ages, and well, I felt lucky.

"yeah I tried to commit suicide, when my sister found me..just in time apparently,. but don't worry, this is all well behind me" she laughed - nervously.

"really?" I asked. Well done, "when did this all happen?" I asked, wondering if it was suitable to change the subject yet.

"2 months ago"

*Alarm bells intensify the ringing*

I made my excuses and finished off my beer. She gulped her Double vodka.

"Ok, well, erm, I better get a cab, nice meeting you" I was nearly home and dry, it was an interesting night, not one I want to revisit, I felt kind of embarrassed. What a odd one.

"Lets share a cab" she proclaimed, "you can meet my friends!"

oh dear - I thought. I knew we would find it hard to get a cab from where we were. She knew I lived just beyond were she was going. I couldnt get out of it.

My cab turned up. She just got in, without me agreeing.

She held my hand.

I noticed the stench of cheap perfume. she continued to off load her history, then laugh at how silly it all was. It wasnt. It was scary.

We arrived in Birkenhead - she grabbed my hand, paid the taxi man and proceeded to push me into one of the nasty town bars. Chavvy isnt the word. Where everyone is wearing Lacoste, and rockport shoes, heavily gelled hair, with bottles of VK orange in both hands. Happy hard core bellowed out from all directions.

I got a becks and made it to the edge of the dance floor. The girl found me and proceeded to snog my face off. Wow. This is now becoming difficult. She likes me, and Im scared of her. I am now involved with a nutjob. Who, Im scared might still be suicidal, whom me saying fuck off to, might send her back into Suicidal oblivion.

I just wanted to leave, but every time, I tried, she would grab my arm and introduce me to one of her Scally mates. eventually I convinced her I was in work the next day (which i was, like i said - this was meant to be a simple met up - quick bevy and a chat). I left. Exhausted.

i then performed an excersise akin to an assasin cleaning up a murder scene. destroy all evidence etc

I then copied the text I received from another unsucessful Match.com girl I had met a few days before, talking about "not right for me, you were really nice etc, good luck" sent it to her and deleted her from my phone.

Nut job.
(Dan dan dan They tik urh jerbs!!!, Mon 8 Sep 2014, 23:34, 55 replies)

so you killed her, got rid of the evidence, then sent a "no thanks" text message afterwards?
Clever, the cops will presume she just disappeared or someone else did it
( ferret -> twitter.com/syfyautocorrect <-, Tue 9 Sep 2014, 4:04, closed)

Fucking Hell
That sounds like a bullet dodged.
(DarkLite swallowed my entire undercarriage, Tue 9 Sep 2014, 7:34, closed)

you come across as a mammoth prick in this story

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 9 Sep 2014, 8:14, closed)

Whereas you come across as a massive peck in everyone's stories
How has no one else pointed this out yet??
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 9 Sep 2014, 21:46, closed)

because I'm popular and hilarious
and that really upsets you
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 9 Sep 2014, 22:02, closed)

So.... Much.... Wrong with this statement...

( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 9 Sep 2014, 22:32, closed)

Quite. Three dots for ellipsis, a space before, and no capitalisation afterwards.
Adult illiteracy and innumeracy often go hand in hand.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 10 Sep 2014, 2:25, closed)

What does posting boring comments on a dying website at 2am go hand in hand with?

( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 10 Sep 2014, 9:13, closed)

Midweek drinking.
You should try it. Invite that young baggenfork chap. You both clearly need to chill out and stop pretending to be pensioners.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 10 Sep 2014, 9:18, closed)

Wheras Shambles you clearly need to leave the computer
Go on you can do it. The support worker will help
(andythepieman Is surfing the waves of indifference on, Wed 10 Sep 2014, 11:16, closed)

haven't touched a computer since last Friday

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 10 Sep 2014, 11:35, closed)

Computer or associated web connected device

(andythepieman Is surfing the waves of indifference on, Thu 11 Sep 2014, 12:10, closed)

when I go out drinking
Posting on qotw is not the first thing on my mind. Your evenings "out" must suck gigantic salty donkey dick :(
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 10 Sep 2014, 12:44, closed)

I didn't post on qftw while I was out. Much.
But you're right ... we didn't play spin the bottle in fancy dress and we didn't share a job lot of pizza and think we were being fancy.

And I didn't fuck psychodweeb on my way home.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 10 Sep 2014, 13:58, closed)

alright grandad don't lose your syrup

( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 10 Sep 2014, 14:43, closed)

Why would your not getting in touch make her suicidal?
That's quite some ego for someone who's too prudish to type the words "arsed" and "sex".
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Tue 9 Sep 2014, 8:35, closed)

I'm not saying he was obviously a virgin when this story happened
but he was obviously a virgin when this story happened.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 9 Sep 2014, 8:41, closed)

It's very strange how he thinks that being a stripper automatically makes her a great shag.
It's almost as if he has utter contempt for her as an individual, reasoning that anyone who earns money this way is simply fuckmeat. Almost.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Tue 9 Sep 2014, 9:59, closed)

it seems hard to believe that somebody would admit to being such a charmless virgin on this messageboard
almost without precedent
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 9 Sep 2014, 10:08, closed)

Are you channeling Morrissey today?

( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Tue 9 Sep 2014, 10:32, closed)

Got form.
b3ta.com/questions/footinmouthtwo/post1709510
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Tue 9 Sep 2014, 18:36, closed)

Ouch.
I winced being reminded of that.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Tue 9 Sep 2014, 19:43, closed)

The angry tinfoil hatters in there are a joy.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Tue 9 Sep 2014, 19:47, closed)

what a thick and pointless little virgin

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 9 Sep 2014, 20:03, closed)

Ooh, that's a fun thread!
Not seen that one before.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Tue 9 Sep 2014, 21:41, closed)

It is a very unfair assumption
But it is correct.
(RebelWithoutApplause My underestimation will almost be the death of me, Tue 9 Sep 2014, 14:48, closed)

Probably still is.

(zebideedoodah likes florence but prefers venice, Wed 10 Sep 2014, 1:31, closed)

lol povvo

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Tue 9 Sep 2014, 8:35, closed)

I put on a nice shirt, jeans, shoes. I arrived at the bar (actually a hotel) ...
Nice shirt ... hotel ... shoes. Eeee, that sounds reet posh.
( Ghoti Fingers, Tue 9 Sep 2014, 8:53, closed)

I want to hear more about this:
"I had just finished telling her a charming quip about how my car isnt fast, but its a nice runner."

Sounds like the anecdote to end them all...
(RebelWithoutApplause My underestimation will almost be the death of me, Tue 9 Sep 2014, 11:33, closed)

no quicker way into a person's affections and underwear
than telling them about the fuel efficiency of your Vauxhall
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 9 Sep 2014, 11:38, closed)

I believe it is a honda accord

( Glovington, Tue 9 Sep 2014, 16:36, closed)

boom! my pants are down

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 9 Sep 2014, 17:09, closed)

Like you wear pants.

( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Tue 9 Sep 2014, 17:24, closed)

I meant pant as in heavy breathing.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 9 Sep 2014, 17:42, closed)

Get a Room!
With 10 strippers, 7 MASSIVE drugs and a jacuzzi full of white tigers.

I can get you a special rate cos I know a guy who can get you anything for £50 and also as I am the Chosen One.
(RebelWithoutApplause My underestimation will almost be the death of me, Wed 10 Sep 2014, 12:34, closed)

b3ta.com/questions/internetmeets/post1400454
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Tue 9 Sep 2014, 18:20, closed)

even by the aspie standards of q*tw
your ability to recall past postings is quite breathtaking. Where by breathtaking I mean "autistic"
(Guy Debord cette mauvaise réputation..., Tue 9 Sep 2014, 21:25, closed)

And disturbing

( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 9 Sep 2014, 21:47, closed)

I love how "autistic" now just means "somebody who can add up or remember stuff"

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 9 Sep 2014, 21:58, closed)

This was a classic
b3ta.com/questions/datesgonewrong/post2364188
(SlantedScience, Wed 10 Sep 2014, 2:19, closed)

those were the good old days

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 10 Sep 2014, 8:03, closed)

Or do this
b3ta.com/search/answers?q=I+met+a+girl+on+Match
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Wed 10 Sep 2014, 8:08, closed)

fuck ... you're like Rain Man or sutin

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 10 Sep 2014, 8:10, closed)

Christ he's nowhere near as hot

( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 10 Sep 2014, 9:12, closed)

With this admission and the psychodweeb incident there's something of a pattern forming here ... have you ever had sexual inclinations towards somebody without a neural disorder causing profound social dysfunction?

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 10 Sep 2014, 9:19, closed)

search works, who knew

(Guy Debord cette mauvaise réputation..., Wed 10 Sep 2014, 9:32, closed)

The lesson being that you should really always ask your mum to vet your girlfriends.
As she usually does.
(zebideedoodah likes florence but prefers venice, Wed 10 Sep 2014, 9:30, closed)

The bit I don't get
Is that you said drinks were evaporating in front of her, but later she was telling you her life history, when you had only bought her one drink.
So was she buying all the drinks?
Also, is Lacoste chavvy? Because I am out of touch and won't buy lacoste if people will think I am a chav.
( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Wed 10 Sep 2014, 12:29, closed)

All sportswear when not worn for the playing of sports is chavvy.

( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Wed 10 Sep 2014, 12:31, closed)

but what about the shirts with the crocodile on?

( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Wed 10 Sep 2014, 13:32, closed)

A shirt with a logo that isn't sportswear. What the fuck!

( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Wed 10 Sep 2014, 16:27, closed)

even this hockey mask?

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 10 Sep 2014, 14:09, closed)

Alright cartoonhead.

( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Wed 10 Sep 2014, 16:27, closed)

I went out with a girl like this once.
It turned out that she was lovely.
(cs1ca, Wed 10 Sep 2014, 13:13, closed)