Nightmare in the village hall
When I was about 19 or so I was seeing this bird (let's call her Bob) quite casual like and she invited me to a charity live music night (the one's your nan would take you to) because she was singing. I was cool with it because it was local, the bar was cheap, and Bob's family loved having stupidly pissed-up parties after her singing. I also got a good mate of mine to come along for support.

So there we were getting absolutely shit-faced on Orangeboom in the local village hall listenin to Bob and various other FUCKING SHIT singers from around the town.

The night went quickly and suddenly it was packing up time. Me and my mate were chatting about me and Bob's "situation" next to some very loud speakers erected near the stage. The all important question arose...

'SO WHAT'S THE CHANCES OF YOU AND HER TONIGHT?'

At this point, a Queen Vic moment happened. I opened my mouth to speak the exact same time as the lights came on and the music stopped. You also have to remember this hall echoed like a bastard... I answered (just as loud as my mate asking)

'I'M FUCKING WELL IN THERE MATE'

Oh. I definitely didn't get any and never bothered trying again out of shame.
(wizardsleeves, Thu 28 Oct 2004, 12:58, Reply)

I went on a blind date...
...a few months ago. Now I normally go for girls a fair bit younger than me (around 18 or 20ish) which earns me no end of piss-taking from mates (they're only jealous!) so, much against my better judgement, I decided to go on a blind date with a girl more around my own age (28), she *said* she was often complimented on her looks and stuff so I had high hopes...then we met...oh dear, she dressed like my mum, was a bitter divorcee and was less than impressed with my singular style of clothing! We spent a very dull and uncomfortable few hours in a pub talking about how much she hated her ex-husband...I thought it would never end...it did, thank god, and I vowed never to go on another one again ;)
( The Reverend Lord Lizard, Thu 28 Oct 2004, 12:51, Reply)

only last night.
although we hit the ground running at the weekend, last night was technicaly speeking our first date. we meet in the pub and have a few drinks, it's getting very cosy. 'i know it's early' i say, 'but, shall we go?' 'ok' is the ready reply. we go to her place, have a couple more drinks, it's rocking. i carry her to bed (works like a charm guys) after a while it seems that i am on the brink of something very special, i can feel it in my bones that i am ready to surpass my own epic standards. something legendary is about to happen, we are down to our last items of underwear, rubbing against eachother. 'ooh' i say what was that little twinge i just felt i wonder? i dont wonder for more than a seccond, i know what's up, it's not the first time. that's right, a tug to the banjo string before i even get my pants off and it's all over. i mope to the bathroom, swearing just a little. my spirits are soon lifted when she comes to me and say's 'its ok, we can just have a cuddle, that would be nice'. hmm, this is of course true, but to be doing it when you should be earning a knighthood just isnt the same is it?

i would like to apologise for the lack of a length, and any boastfulness.
(incredible wrongun, Thu 28 Oct 2004, 12:45, Reply)

A mere sixteen years old
Very drunk. In a club. Beer goggles working overdrive.

I had vague memories of pulling a girl, no recollection of what she looked like. I found her phone number in my pocket the next day, so gave her a call.

We met up. She looked like Arnold out of "Hey Arnold".
( The Rabid Ferret of Doom is no longer a badger, Thu 28 Oct 2004, 12:33, Reply)

Many years ago ...
Boy meets girl. Agreement made to meet at a party later that week. Before party, boy meets mates with beer. Agreement made to contribute fixed amount regardless of beer consumed. Business instinct kicks in.

Girl spends night at party.

Boy spends night passed out in bushes 200 meters away from party. Eventually wakes up and staggers home.
(spinoza, Thu 28 Oct 2004, 12:30, Reply)

so
left a party with her, it was late and she hinted at going back to hers. I, at least trying to make it feel a bit less obvious, suggested finding one last bar beforehand. Found a place eventually (think 2.30am weds. regent st.).. so many drunken city twats etc. I was pretty knackered and cut short any dancing attempts pretty to get some water.
When i returned... "hey, i think im going to be a tart and pull those guys over there, are you going to hang around too?" .

so pride intact, decided on a quick exit..

funny old game
( Flamebunny i only have eyes for ewe, Thu 28 Oct 2004, 12:09, Reply)

Frosted glass
\unlurk ... A few years back desperate for a shag, I pulled a girl that looked a little less normal. Eyes too close together, that sort of stuff. Anyway, I go out on the balcony to have a quick smoke. She's got frosted glass from the balcony to the bathroom. The sight of her bending over and wiping her arse really took the shine off the evening.
(elyobelyob, Thu 28 Oct 2004, 12:08, Reply)

It might take place
later today...
Wish me luck!
( Whippersnapper, Thu 28 Oct 2004, 10:29, Reply)

yay scary german religious fanatics.
Oooh. I remember another one.

I had recently acquired myself a boyfriend, all the girls in school were after him and me being young and impressionable, I thought 'Ooh. I want me one.' and asked him out. He said yes and all was well.

Until I realised his idea of a date was sitting outside in a huge plastic mac listening to Dire Straits on his CD player with me, before dragging me in to have dinner with the most unbelievably religious family ever, which involved much praying and no talking at the table.

His mother was German and took to conducting entire conversations in said language which was utterly terrifying as I know not one word of it.

This may all go to explain why I now bat for the other side.
(sporky, Thu 28 Oct 2004, 9:52, Reply)

Blind date..
Set up by a mate. She was from Clapham. Met there, I paid for everything, went for a snog at the end of the night, got turned the cheek!

Get an email next day asking me out to do it again. She's adventuous so we head to the exact same spot. I pay for everything again (she just doesn't offer). I MUST be in. Go for the snog....turned the cheek.

Ignored the next emails...and texts...

The most expensive cheek pecks I ever had!
(Thebigfella, Thu 28 Oct 2004, 9:33, Reply)

oh so considerate
Wound up at a party with my ex (who didn't know she was an 'ex' yet) and a date (who didn't know who the other woman was). Managed actually keeping them both in the dark f - pure John Ritter / "Three's company" stuff.

Evening ended on a bed in the party venue - giving it to the 'date' but stopping every 10 mins or so to check that my 'ex' on the floor of the same room was ok - as she'd passed out in a pool of her own vomit.

Things went on for a while with both of them. But it eventually ended in tears. Not mine.

(cringe) this was a while ago and i am quite ashamed (cringe)
( hismastersvice cunting flange-jammer, Thu 28 Oct 2004, 9:32, Reply)

Oops
Many years ago, as a student, I was at a club night, on a Tuesday. I was, safe to say, absolutely off my tits having drunk a remarkable amount and also taken about 6 E's.
I was dancing away, when I met a girl (Vicki Cha*man! I still remember her name!)out for her birthday with her mum. As the evening progressed, she chatted me up, then her mum did, then when I rejected the old dear she attacked me. The daughter got off with my mate.
The next week she was there again, I snogged her, and arranged a date for the following evening (I don't know why!). Well, it was awful. I took her to a very posh bar, and the scrubber stuck out like a sore thumb. The conversation veered, almost immediately, into her confessing she had had an abortion at 16 and that her mum was on the game. Feeling dire, I double dropped when she went to the toilet to make the evening bearable. It worked, I took her home and shagged her (unsuccessfully from my point of view, very successfully from hers), gave her my real mobile number by mistake and got stalked for about 3 months.
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Thu 28 Oct 2004, 8:51, Reply)

i met some bird on the net
and i'm getting married to her next year.
(happyhardcoregabbatechno, Thu 28 Oct 2004, 8:37, Reply)

Hmm. I'm not quite sure if this fits here but what the hell.
the other day I was searching Google for something - fuck knows what it was - and I came across this.

"DEAF SINGLES AND PERSONALS FOR ONLINE DATING"
"Free membership, photo gallery, and more. Meet deaf singles now."

Yes, it's a dating website for deaf people. For fuck's sake.

Edit: Now I remember. I was searching for "Songs for the Deaf" (Queens of the Stone Age for those who were wondering)
(brazzin, Thu 28 Oct 2004, 4:48, Reply)

Well, I met another guy
online, just from a website we both frequent. He seemed (and is) a really, really nice bloke. Everyone else on the website thought we were meant for each other, and as there was a distance of oooh, 6,000 miles, 2 guys started a fund so he could fly out to see me.

The fucker stood me up ;)

For those that haven't been on here that long, just ask an old school b3ta member about the Koit/Workboresme fund

Sorry Koit! Had to be done ;)
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Thu 28 Oct 2004, 3:25, Reply)

This happened tonight...and I'm still feeling icky
Bit of background - split with a blokey I met online (and dated blissfully for 6 months) very recently...fairly bad breakup, had just got back off holiday and at some point he decided I wasn't someone who he could spend his life with (I'm too nice apparently - so nice I made it very easy for him and still help him deal with *his* issues...there's no hope for me)

So what is a girl to do? My angst befuddled brain insists that I get out there and start dating again. This, as anyone could see a mile off, is a Bad Thing.

I trotted off tonight to meet (another) online aquaintance for a drink. We'd chatted, things seemed ok, and his photo showed a cute (if a little older) man.

He turned up 15 minutes late and we go to the nearest Wetherspoons. He then proceeds to loudly complain that they are not letting the house red breathe properly - this is Wetherspoons remember? Its red stuff, vaguely alcoholic, and cheap. Nobody cares, least of all the staff.

The hour that I had alloted (excuses at the ready) dragged by, with me listening to inane chat mainly given in sound effect form, with me smiling and nodding and trying to get drunk on the wine. He looked, and sounded like my gay best mate, and held his cigarette like a girl, whilst telling me about various psycho exes he had met on the net. I made my excuses and left, he followed me and insisted on walking me to my sons fathers house, which is never a good idea...as I tried to leave he hugged me...I froze, and kind of patted him on the back, before fleeing into the night.

Never have I been so glad of seeing my ex-husband. I then got a text telling me he had a great time and hopes to do it again. I'd rather gouge my own eyes out with a spoon. Twunt.

I think I might become a nun. Don't get nun, don't want nun....

*Length and girth all very important...but it's the tongue that really matters ;o)*

Edit - If you're reading this and it sounds familiar, I'm sorry - really its not me, its you...
( Wicca'd Witch needs ideas for a new sig on..., Thu 28 Oct 2004, 1:39, Reply)

bogans
Arranged to have dinner with a lovely young woman from a dodgy part of Sydney. She said she was bringing a friend - nice and "thirtysomething" she said - and could I bring a guy for her. So I leaned on a friend who's famous for his low standards, thinking I was doing him a favour.

Well, "thirtysomething" turned out to be 39, she had 7 kids, couldn't afford a decent bra to hold up her sagging tits, spent the night talking about how "flash" the filthy pizzeria we were in was, and then skipped out without paying.

So the next night I found my friend on a date with a woman in a pub, bought him a few beers in apology and promptly went home with his date.
(Demonic, Wed 27 Oct 2004, 23:25, Reply)

Yes, a b3ta dating service...
Getting the most openly unsuccessful daters together. Clean up the gene pool, what?

*yes, it was sarcastic, I'm not a Nazi*
(Mr_Jums, Wed 27 Oct 2004, 19:46, Reply)

date three...
My (current) boyfriend and went out for dinner when we were first dating. We had a couple of drinks, then proceeded to go home and sit on the back deck to enjoy the view and have some more. After it had got quite late, we decided to go in and get busy. As soon as we were done, I ran to the bathroom and chucked. I thought I was OK so I went back to bed, but no. After going back to the bathroom the fourth time I decided to stay in there.

I slept on the bathroom floor, naked, covered with a towel, with the door open. All night.

He lived with his mother.
(skada21, Wed 27 Oct 2004, 19:27, Reply)

Not so bad for me...

...But my poor (current, amazingly) girlfriend.

This may get quite long, and will require background. So are you sitting comfortably, children? Then I'll begin.

I was at Uni at the time, and it was time for the summer ball. I had over the past year been quite 'active', one girl from another Uni, one who had recently left mine, and another who had mad Christian Skillz not to mention a long term boyfriend (her, not me).

Anyway, i was working on the night in question, but date and I had agreed that this could be a date anyway. Ex from other Uni and recent-leaving ex had both asked if they could stay in my halls room that night, and I had said yes. I was, after all, still officially single.

Turns out these two 'liked' each other, which led to the highlight of the evening for date (although, I'm smug to say, not for me) which was me sitting on some steps with these two girls on either side of me snogging over my legs. And then the Christian girl came to chat - sat down behind me - was a little drunk, and so was being very affectionate.

Cue date's arrival.

To her credit she took it very well, and later helped me take photos of the fireworks.

Still got to go to bed with other two, though.

No apologies at all, to anyone. For length or the fact that I'm a complete fucker.
(Dr.Ibble, Wed 27 Oct 2004, 18:50, Reply)

didnt even get there
Me (15,on phone): Hi, do you want to go to the cinema tonight?
Her: Who with? You?
Me: yeah
Her: Why?
Me (immediately retreating): There's loads of us going..
Her: No.
Me: Please?
Her: No. Fuck off.
Me: Oh go on please?
Her: No. You're an ugly bastard.
Me: Are you sure?
Her:

Never even got there. Traumatised for life. Claire (Poynton, Cheshire, nr the High School)or whatever your name was. Hope your tits are sagging down to your knees over your cellulite ridden torso after shitting out lots of walking abortions.

So bitter...so bitter.

No apologies for my splendid length and average girth.
( I have run out of coke is a little sweaty, Wed 27 Oct 2004, 18:45, Reply)

My first date was a blind date,
set up by my best friend. It turned out that everything she told me about the guy was wrong, even his last name. Supposedly she was very good friends with him! The whole date, he quoted the movie Pulp Fiction, which I hadn't seen. It was really annoying, and stopped us from having any real conversation. After burgers and a movie, we went to his place to wait for my dad to pick me up, and we watched Pulp Fiction, with him saying the lines with the movie all the way through. I still hate Tarantino movies today.

Another guy, I met this one online, seemed quite nice while we chatted for a few weeks. He had bypassed my sleaze-o-meter and was rewarded with a date. However, from the moment we met up he talked about nothing except how much he liked kissing, and how important it was that a woman be a good kisser. Seeing how I'd been totally single and kissless for about four years, I was in no mood to be judged on my out-of-practice technique. Aside from that, he looked VERY different from his photo, as in he was balding and he hair and beard were white at age 31, and I was 24. I felt like I was on a date with my father.

Third one's a quickie: Another guy I met online, we'd been chatting only a few hours. He lived in town, and being bored we decided to go to a movie that night. I got to the theatre first, and when he sw me he came running up and gave me a huge hug like I was his long-lost love. He kept baby-talking through the movie. "Does Ali like this movie? May I hold Ali's hand? Is Ali's neck sore?" Drove me batty.

He followed me out to my car and hung around, obviously expecting a snog. I gave him a quick handshake and got in the car and drove off as quickly as possible!
(ghettobooty, Wed 27 Oct 2004, 18:38, Reply)

the not-a-date date
One day, a friend of mine who lives in Georgia (and who had a crush on me for a brief period of time) came to town and called to see if I wanted to get dinner and go bowling (It's about the only thing to do). I thought it would be fun, so I decided to go.

Since I was pretty young at the time, and to this day still refuse to drive, I had my mom take me to the restaurant we agreed to meet at. And, of course, mom had to go in with me to make sure things were ok.

So my friend sees my mom, gets a little freaked out, and shouts "It's not a date!"
(pk, Wed 27 Oct 2004, 18:35, Reply)

A b3ta dating service?
now there's an idea for the site Rob... :)
( dan j the filthy bastard, Wed 27 Oct 2004, 18:15, Reply)

weight watcher
second date going quite well, had a few glasses of wine, nice meal, watched the beach, candles lit mmm lovely.... so he says lie down ill give you a massage mmmm sounds good,... so i llie down top off he goes to get some oil, he comes back and says oh ill just put this dvd on ok whatever just massage me im happy i say....so he begins the dvd begins and oh my fu**in' god its hardcore porn, so i'm still thinking well this massage is pretty hot i can handle this, his hands are working his way down from my shoulders to my lower back and then down to the sides wooah.... i'm liking this.....then he grabs two rolls of fat on each of my sides and goes "you could do with getting rid of this" ( i'm 5 foot 2 and 9 stone , so in no way podgy and up he gets , he goes into a cupboard and pulls out an AB TRIMMER !!!!! i kid you not!!!!!!
me i"m in such shock and a bit tipsy that i go with the flow and learn how to use an ab trimmer whilst he sits on the couch watching hardcore porn!!!!!! thank goodness a freind phoned me during this and told me to leave. I did and i took the ab trimmer with me which i later sold at a car boot sale for a fiver!!
(apacherosepeacock77, Wed 27 Oct 2004, 17:53, Reply)

Bad dates
The worst date ever has to be the one that killed Indiana Jones' mate's monkey. Bastard.
(Neville Squamous, Wed 27 Oct 2004, 17:38, Reply)

thank you for the reply doctor evil,
i feel priveleged.

i, on the other hand to many people, have never been on a date. i'm a single white male (16) in the london area, with luscious golden brown locks. anyone interested? i'm sure i'll be so horrendous that it will be worthy of this qotw...
(notjustahatrack peeling a sausage..., Wed 27 Oct 2004, 17:25, Reply)

Not so much a date but couldn't have got it more wrong
At the end of a three-legged fancy-dress pub-crawl at Uni with some mates, I decided the night would not be complete without visiting the girlfriend. I was trolleyed. In a fit of consideration i tried to wash away the taste of kebab...with washing-up liquid. Ended up passing out naked except for a fireman's helmet, sat on her loo with the bathroom door wide open in the house she shared with 4 other girls. So smooth.
(Scoobs, Wed 27 Oct 2004, 16:44, Reply)

Drink + Date = Something's gonna go wrong
Went out with a nice girl about 6 months ago...had a great time, she could drink beer and liked it, cool. Good taste in Rock music, cool.

Walking her home. Gave her a kiss, she slipped the tongue in, cool. I did too, forgot I have a long tongue. She throws up on my shoes, when you see someone else having a puke you want to follow, I did. On the back of her head as she was puking on my shoes.

Kind of fizzled out after that night. don't know why.

Cheers
( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Wed 27 Oct 2004, 16:34, Reply)

n1na1sapunk...
being a current brum uni student i can tell you that said rock club is still there, and still sells nasty 50p vodka. for some reason i'm going there tonight, must be feeling masochistic

apologies for lack of length and girth
( The Running Man, Wed 27 Oct 2004, 16:31, Reply)