North Tyneside, early 90's
Playing in a footie team with my mates at the local boys club, one of the staff asks me if I want to try out for the club team proper.

I say no, as I thought my mates my be pissed at me for ditching them. This team was Wallsend Boys Club, who kick started the careers of Alan Shearer, Robbie Elliott, Lee Clark, Steve Bruce, Michael Carrick, Neil McDonald, Peter Beardsley, Brian Laws, Steven Taylor, Steve Watson to name but a few.

Mind you, it's not like England has been short of a few quality goalkeepers recently, is it?
(egon spengler, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 22:18, 2 replies)

I joined b3ta
and enjoyed wasting the last 3 years, 10 months and 23 days to be sure. I'm addicted to the internet, certainly. It's like a dope fiend going into the dealing business. I'm starting to see where a little self-restraint might come in handy.

Decent community of strangers, though.
( intesvensk can't recall when I last checked the newsletter, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 19:59, 11 replies)

When I was a wee lass
The head of my bed was against the radiator. It was in an old house and the central heating would regularly erupt with various gurgling, rawr-ing and plopping noises. These were somewhat frightening to a sensitive small child such as I.

My mum had just put me to bed and I asked her what the scary radiator monster was.

"It's Willy," She responded. She had her hand on a book about the infamous captive killer whale.

From then on, anything scary or intimidating was a 'willy.' My parents drew much amusement from this misunderstanding and encouraged my usage of the word in this sense.

Backfired though. I was in a shop with my dad, queueing to buy something tasty. He was jangling his keys in his pocket as men do. Enthralled by the noise, I got the attention of the old lady in front of me, pointed to my father's pocket and declared: "There's willies in there!"

We left the shop very quickly after that.
(KeenBean objects to this comma, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 19:26, 2 replies)

I swapped
a collector's edition Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time (the gold cartridge one) for Jeopardy 64.

I gave away Harvest Moon 64 because I was done playing it.

I let my wife throw out the cases for all my PS and PS2 games because they took up too much room. Including the case for Final Fantasy VII.

Bugger
(Turtlenuts, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 19:17, 14 replies)

As a young boy in America
I spent my summers the same way most upper middle class kids do here, I got shipped off to summer camp so my parents could enjoy a few weeks without having to deal with me and my siblings.

It was actually great fun, the camp was in the Rocky Mountains, so for a city kid like me, it was a whole different world. Unfortunately it also meant that I was not quite as familiar with some of the activities there as the kids who came from less urban areas, especially when it came to riding horses. This resulted in me being put on a trail ride with kids half my age, and not being allowed to ride faster than a snail's pace.

My friend, who also got put in this group found it just as boring as I did, and we made up a game where we would try to steer our horses to walk over anthills, and anticipated taking great joy in watching the ants swarm out to mourn their destroyed former home.

Unfortunately, what I didn't know, being from the city, was that these ants were Fire Ants, and when my horse stepped on the anthill, the ants bit its legs, causing the horse to rear up and throw me off, and causing me to land in the middle of the swarm of angry ants.

I got off relatively easy, maybe 15 or 20 EXTREMELY painful bites, but I definitely deserved it.
(raulduke, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 18:10, Reply)

My housemate
One evening I was happily cooking my meal, when in comes my house mate with her bin. After exchanging a few words I notice she is emptying her bin into the sink. Noticing my confused look she explains "I was sick in my room earlier." it takes a few seconds to click what had happened. "Wait, you mean you threw up in your bin?"
"Yes."
"The bin you just emptied into the sink."
"Yes."
"The kitchen sink? The sink in the kitchen? Where we cook food?"
"Yes."
"That's disgusting! Why didn't you empty it into the toilet?"
"Some one was in."
"We have 5 toilets, They coulden't all be in use!"
"It was an hour ago, what's the problem?"
"You threw up an hour ago, held onto the sick, then rather then going when the bathroom was free and pouring it down the toilet, you come into the kitchen and empty it into the sink? What about hygene?!"
"I rinsed it with cold water, it's fine. Why are you making such a big deal?"
"I just.. I don't... Never mind."
Unable to convince my friend her actions were not those of a well person, I gave in. Boiled the kettle several times, emptyed that into the sink, then a large amount of bleach, more boiling water and more bleach. I still can't understand what she was thinking.
(Mong goose, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 18:00, 12 replies)

Guiness & Red Wine & Gin/Tonic
Death would have been a release compared to the agony that followed
(mymilkshakebringsallthemongstotheyard poison hearts, poison minds - joining hate, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 17:18, Reply)

Far too long ago..
When I was young we lived in the middle of Dartmoor (great place to raise kids by the way - I loved it) Our washing line sloped slightly downhill and my childish mind decided it would be an awesome idea to use my skipping rope (proper one, with the big wooden bobbly bits on the handles) to make a kind of ad hoc zip line.

Being very young, and therefore quite short, I decided it would be best to swing one of the handles round a bit until it gained some momentum and then let it fly in the vague direction of the washing line while I clung tightly to the other handle.

Success! I watched with glee as the rope flew over the line, silently congratulating myself on my ingenuity.

My joy was shortlived, however, as the handle completed its arc by planting itself firmly in my face.
(Freakmandu, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 16:29, 5 replies)

Wavy Lines, Wavy Lines
So, it's the summer of my 16th year, and I've got this top bird who will shall call Heather, for that is her name. My parents have gone on holiday, and we have the house to ourselves. We're in the living room and partially naked and I'm all over her like a rash.

Looking over her shoulder, I catch a glimpse of my watch, and I say these imortal words "quick, pull your jeans on or we'll miss the bus".

Yes... for that night Quadrophenia was on at the local Odeon, and I passed up the chance of violating her young body to sit in the Odeon to watch a film I was to see again, again, again, again and again with the advent of the VCR that was just literally around the corner.

As I sat in the cinema eating my pop corn, a slight wiff of scampy fries left my fingers and wafted up my nose (which was unusual as the tobacco smoke was thick back then). It was then I palm planted a giant box of salted all over me.


The following day, she went on holiday with her parents and I never saw her again as my attention was devoted to a dirty old slapper with whom you didn't have to try. But I cranked one off in the memory of Heather for about 10 years after that tussle in the living room.
( Piper Alpha is being a grumpy northerm bastard on:, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 16:14, 2 replies)

Not too many moons ago...
I was dating a gorgeous young lady, on the second date she asked me to stay over and the naughty began to happen. Things were getting really rather frisky when she asked me to slide my peanut into her silk purse. I of course leaned over to my wallet to grab a condom, when she came out with the immortal line of, don't, I like to feel it properly... My brain now rushing, I of course like nothing better than the feeling of condom free sex. But I had known this girl only a very short time, and I knew she wasn't on the pill, so big brain me insisted. We did the dirty deed and promptly fell into a blissful sleep.

3 days later she dumped me, telling me she was getting back with her ex, fair enough thinks I, no love lost etc etc... 3 months later she's pregnant, so what was I thinking, well, apparently for once my logical mind came up trumps and I avoided a wedding, a baby and a life of misery that both bring!

So kids, wrap it up before you slap it up as the wise sage Tim Westwood would say.
(feedingtimeatthezoo day 1 of his bikini diet started, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 15:58, 3 replies)

Walse
It was the summer of 2005, and my GCSP PE class were going away for a week to Wales, On the first night we all decided to stay awake all night as this is what you did at 16, About one in the morning we all was pretty boarded so we headed out the front of the cabbing's we were staying in to play abit of rugby, After Five min or so the noise had raised and we had woken are head of year, after being sent back to bed I desided it wasnt time to rest just yet, got my best firend out of bed and we headed out for a walk. About a mile down the road we came across a farm with a heard of sheep in the field were it hit me, Lets take the sheep back to the camp with us I said to Adam, Why? Why not?.
So we started passing them over the low wall and begange walking back the the camp site(just to point out... herding sheep is fucking hard)
Once we arived back I wasnt quite happy with what I had done and was worryed the farmer may drive past and see them I conviced my mate to climb thought the window of are head of years cabbing, Once inside he opened the door and I lead the sheep in, Come six in the morning me and my firended headed outside and sat on the fence to watch the mayhem unravel.... unforcently this was the bit I reget, there was no denying it really was there 2 people sat waiting for the scream how oh no it wasnt us :)


new one.. what was i thinking dislexic and postin on b3ta never a good idea... lesson learnt i guess
(seejay2010, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 15:07, 19 replies)

Sort of, but not really.
Sometimes I kick myself for having stayed with my ex for 5 years. He was emotionally abusive, and though that sort of abuse leaves no bruises, it can take a happy confident girl and transform her into a self doubting depressed wreck. He had me convinced that everything I liked was "silly" or "dumb", that the fact that I have a sex drive made me a crazy bitch, and that my friends were wastes of space that I should no longer hang out with. I isolated myself from the world, trying to please an unpleasable man. The slightest error on my part would send him into deep depressive sulks, and the only way to appease him was to beg and plead for forgiveness. When I say "errors", I mean such dastardly deeds as putting his newspaper on the wrong side of his plate during dinner ("Don't you pay attention to ANYTHING? Do you even CARE about me??"), and offering to give him a blowjob while he was playing video games ("Can't you see I'm busy? God, what is WRONG with you??").

It was 5 years of this hell, day in and day out. I am STILL, a year later, picking up the pieces of my mind and soul.

You know what, though? If I could go back in time, I wouldn't change a thing. Not because I enjoyed the hell of my previous relationship, but because everything I have done in my life thus far has lead me to my new one. My new man is everything I could ever want. He's my best friend, my confidant, and is always on my side. He has supported me through difficult times, and has made it quite clear that he isn't going anywhere. I can actually rely on him! Also, he is both as goofy as I am and has a sex drive as high as mine (even higher sometimes, and that's a feat!). Add to all that the fact that he is devilishly handsome, extremely talented (both in and out of the bedroom), bilingual, and well hung, and I'd say I'm a very lucky girl.

If I'd known then that on the other side of 5 years of hell was a man like this, I think I would have been skipping and whisling the whole damn time!
(Audienda, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 14:59, 12 replies)

Oh what's this here then? Off Topic?
Are you a QOTWer? Do you want to start a thread that isn't a direct answer to the current QOTW? Then this place, gentle poster, is your friend


welcome to the asylum
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 14:48, Reply)

what's in a name?
So... where to start?

I was a wee nipper, probably no more than 6 or 7 and had just learnt about pushing the bit of skin on your fingernail back, and how the best way to do it was once it had softened up in the bath or some other activity that involved warm water.
Now not quite the articulate and learn'd person that i am now.. i was just getting to grips with the name of different part's of the body.

Fast forward to one evening when my family had just been out for dinner with another family. At the end of the meal I had pleaded to get a lift home in my friends family car instead of mine... so we could carry on talking about the A Team / M.A.S.K or whatever it is that 6 and 7 yearolds chatted about in the 80s.

No problems there... however somehow the conversation got onto hurting yourself and, thinking i had a good one, i loudly piped up "oh yeah its like when you try and pull your foreskin back when its not wet and hasn't had a chance to get soft!"

I was immediately aware of a change of mood in the car and yet couldn't quite put my finger on what had happened.. Not until i had been dropped off at home and was expalining the strange events to my mum, did it become apparent exactly why there had been a long silence before a rapid chance of topic. I think it is my earliest memory of utter embarrasment.

Forskin and cuticles should never be confused.

Length... dosen't even cover the end
( lucosade is counting down the minutes until, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 14:13, 5 replies)

Deadly Lifts
Vagabonds story reminded me of my yungin days building our awsum treehouse. It had everything including two floors all that it was missing was an operating lift system. We sat round and brainstormed what would be the most effective method of ascension.

We decided on a counterweight system which would haul us up. We gathered the biggest logs we could find and stuffed them into a coal bag and attached a rope (securely mind) to the top of it. We then slung the rope over a higher branch and it was ready for testing. My friend stood above me on the top floor of the treehouse holding the rope.

I gave the thumbs up and he leaped. The bag was nowhere near heavy enough and as my friend descended like a rock through cream the bag ascended crashing into him. I thought the worst was over as he smacked into the ground in a heap but of course he let go of the rope and the bag of logs came crashing down onto him.

We built a ladder in the end.
( dazbrilliantwhites has been meaning to change this..., Mon 27 Sep 2010, 13:31, 8 replies)

So as a 10 year old lad in the middle of Somerset, much of my summer holiday was spent in the woods
We'd fish for sticklebacks, we'd make bows and arrows, we'd build dens, rope swings, rafts, dams, and, of course, spent a significant portion of our time climbing trees.

Consequently, a friend and I developed a magnificent device to enable the quickest access to the higher branches of a tree - this device was a long length of strong rope, with a stout stick tied to the bottom. You throw the stick over the high branch and lower it down. Then, sitting astride the stick, you pull yourself up, and, when you get to the branch, grab it, and hey presto - you're already in the middle of the tree.

Now, early one morning in the middle of spring, I was walking through one of the higher fields on my way to the woods. This field is about a mile long, with grass about waist-high to my 10 year old self, and it being early morning, the grass was still covered in dew.

The field is uphill in the direction I was travelling, and muddy, and by the time I was two thirds through, I was bloody knackered, and wanted to sit down. Of course I couldn't sit down, as the ground was muddy, and the grass was wet.

I was so knackered.

Suddenly, a rather dull, 20-Watt lightbulb went off in my head. I had my rope and stick ... which I sit on when climbing trees ... it supports me ...

I placed the stick between my legs under my bum, held on to the rope, and sat down - SPLASH - heavily into the puddle in which I was standing.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 13:20, 7 replies)

went for a quick dip whilst riding my Segway
what... too soon???
(Anne Frank started to build a loft conversion on, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 13:10, 1 reply)

I Can Sum It up In Three Words....
Gold Parachute Pants
(mon bison powered by magnets, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 9:41, 4 replies)

Fat girl
Eesh. Didn't even have beer goggles on. Just thought fuck it, i'm sure she can lose some weight and she will look fab.
She didn't and after a days worth of crazy needy msn convos, gently dumped her. Rip the plaster off quick and all that.

Sure you can say "beauty is on the inside" and "its the personality" but in all honesty she had serious issues. And she was ugly on the inside.
( 6821isnotmyPIN Bored cig., Mon 27 Sep 2010, 5:20, 34 replies)

Soooo many
#1 First girlfriend. Finished last exam of high school that day, got drunk in a park. Mate's bushpig brought along her friend, who was fit as. Made out with her. Got back to mine. She asked to sleep head to toe. But first we need a shower.

Being 18, I was slightly pudgy. So I left the lights off. Showering, with a fit bird with large knockers, in the dark, trying to get the water temperature right, while she is playing with my knob.

Fail

Get out, dry off. Get into bed. All over each other. She bites a chunk out of my neck in the throes of passion. She says if I want anything. I WANT SEX. She is on her rags though. I stick it in but it hurts. She asks if I want a blow job instead. I decline and sleep.

Thats how I lost my virginity.

It could've been with a shy timid girl i'd been dating who I could've slammed the bejesus out of willy nilly. Seeing as I was a scumbag, we finished up after I got back from my cruise to Vanuatu

Where the fittest girl on the boat asked me to come down to her cabin to get something. I go to the bathroom, I come out, she is on the bed. 'Please don't let me fall asleep'

I lay down next to her and she starts kissing my neck. And massaging me. Finally she gives up with a 'sorry' and we go upstairs. This doesn't put off girl #2 who, at the final evening of the cruise and subsequent watching of the sunrise, says 'I think we could celebrate this somewhere else...' to which I reply 'Nah. You don't get to see a site like this everyday'

So many an opening I have missed, including this super hot Portugese lass I met at a rave, then met in the newtown. Took her to my place near the beach. Walked into my room to get something. She followed and shut my door. I said 'Want to get some food?' and walked out. We went to the festival and she went to dance. Instead of staying put, I thought i'd be cool and not 'hang around like other pussies would'. Queue text saying 'I came back and you weren't there'. Queue epic face palm.

Not as epic nor as sad as when I walked a girl home with whom I shared a heated boogie on the dance floor with. 'My friends think I'm the biggest slut' and 'Want to come upstairs' didn't register in my mind the meaning that was conveyed on the sly.

But in the end, pussy is pussy.

And my reward for not being on top of my game when I should've been...4 and a half years of 'How do you want me? I'll do anything you want' with one of the fittest birds I've ever had the pleasure of meeting in my life.
(lemonadegame, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 4:48, 13 replies)

I had everything I wanted,
A nice warm place to stay, food on tap, didn't have to work for a living and nobody bothered me.

After 9 months I decided to leave and it's been downhill ever since.
(Vigilante Man weeps because you're stupid., Mon 27 Sep 2010, 0:11, Reply)

In hindsight, joining this research department was a mistake.
From: (redacted)
To: (redacted)
CC: (redacted)
_________________________________________________

Dear (redacted)
Thankyou for your interest in the development of the 29- series of Mechadildonic Autostimulation Devices. Unfortunately, we are unlikely to be offering this product for public retail at any point in the future.
For more details, allow me to furnish you with a brief overview of the development process.

Following the success of the 18- series, development for the 29- series began in early (redacted). The 29A prototype was fitted with improved hormone level sensors, fibre-optic stress gauge wiring, moan-responsive real-time pounding-calibrators and over 1500 sq. cm of nano-servos based on the earlier models, but with a 28% response sensitivity improvement.
However, after fitting the processors, the 29A completely failed to operate in the first mechanical testing cycles. Comprehensive examination and reconstruction failed to locate any mechanical faults. Our colleague (redacted) from Pyschological Heuristics Analysis (Gusset Division), initially retained on a casual basis for what we deemed would be likely future problems, suggested that we rename the representational system used in our processors to 'Received calculations' rather than 'floating point operations' per second.

Once the 29A mechadildo operated on 'megaRecTions' rather than 'megaFlops', everything proceeded smoothly even though the technical specifications were identical in every way. We were mystified, but our colleagues in PsHAGD are prone to this sort of insight.

We then proceeded to beta testing, which was an absolute disaster from beginning to end.

29B and -C were quickly shelved after the initial testing runs resulted in five of the female test subjects (hardened pornstars who were no stranger to a solid helping of relentless cock - I love the research phase of my job sometimes) being reduced to quivering puddles of liquid in a single afternoon. As well as Maria from the post room (thank god for indemnity!).
In line with their contracts, we retained the remains of the women for the full 42-day period for further testing. We found that not only had they each suffered a reduction to between .69 - .78 of their original weights (the remaining mass is still completely unaccounted for) but, based on what we could glean from their remaining nervous systems and chemical balances, were still orgasming when they were buried up to 34 days later.

After scaling back the intensity on the 29D, that model was quickly scrapped under floods of requests for a certain system upgrade. The 29D was now operating at approximately 200gigafucks, but according to many of the female subjects it lacked an 'alternate provision method'. A 'rear differential' was swiftly designed and fitted to the 29E model, resulting in models 29E to 29P (save for 29L) going missing, which we duly noted down as 'natural research wastage'.

29L was a special case. Attrition among our test subjects was still unacceptably high, so we procured a modified Omega Fuckbot ('Gasma') in the hope that it would serve all our testing needs. Unfortunately, upon application of 29L, Omega-Gasma became locked into an unbreakable feedback loop. The outlay on the now-useless Fuckbot put our funding in extreme jeopardy, as did the loss of our most advanced model. Fortunately, both problems were solved when a major American power company bought the incessantly-humping robo-shaggist for an exorbitant sum.
I believe it now powers half the Eastern Seaboard.

The series underwent further refinement through cycles 29Q to 29U, despite three of our researchers suffering orgasm-poisoning-by-proxy due to spending too long in the same room as the active models.
29V was deactivated when it apparently went in the huff at its test subject, the woman having been previously engaged in testing 29C (one of the two survivors).

29W was proceeding towards final-stage public availability when the previously tentative interest from the Ministry of Defence hardened and solidified, and we were forcefully taken over against our will. The entire project is now MoD property and further development is classified. The junior staff have been jettisoned, but myself and eight of the senior researchers have been retained.

I hope this helps with your query. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go retrieve my wife. She's promised me she'll try to leave the bedroom and spend time with me one day out of every seven.

Sincerely,
(Falstaff's Spiritual Successor, Sun 26 Sep 2010, 23:11, 2 replies)

(WARNING contains links that are NSFW)
Some years ago in work, I decided to look at the website for a new film that was out.

The film in question was a gangster flick by some new British director. Turned out, if you wanted to visit this web page and were too lazy to use Google/Jeves/Yahoo or Alta Vista the URL wasn't as obvious as I thought it might be.

The film? Snatch.

My guessed URL? www.snatch.com Probably NSFW
The real URL? www.snatch-themovie.com Possibly NSFW (I've not checked either URL)

Without the full URL it was pop-up city, there must have been about 20 windows of smut suddenly appearing. Which, in a busy open office is the last thing you want.

Did I get in trouble? Nah. I e-mailed the team that put out the daily dispatches e-mail and suggested they might want to include it as their 'top tip' for the day, and get them to point out that 'hypen the movie' was crucial.

They agreed it was a useful tip, but foolishly included both URL's in their briefing mail, meaning people had two links they could click on, and a lot of folk just skim-read these breifings.

That'll be Adware/Spyware and all manner of other stuff on 20 or 30 PC's.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sun 26 Sep 2010, 19:41, 1 reply)

Holiday in Belgium...
...no, bear with me, that wasn't the mistake...

Quite remarkably pissed after attending a beer festival, then propping up the hotel bar until they insisted on closing, me and a female friend decided that a skinny dip in the North Sea would be the perfect way to end the night.

This was at about 4 in the morning on a cold day in October. Whilst it was quite fun, it was also bloody freezing, we didn't have any towels to dry ourselves with, and I lost my phone.

Upon our return to England, we both came down with colds and her boyfriend threatened to punch me.

Her tits weren't even that nice...
(SnowyTheWereRabbit the Leporid from Hell, Sun 26 Sep 2010, 18:40, Reply)

So yeah
I once took my family on holiday to Portugal...

Happy now Friz?

( jim_bob can herd cats., Sun 26 Sep 2010, 17:29, 8 replies)

I once made the terrible error of googling "scat man" while looking for the lyrics to "wee bop bop bop bop bo". Rookie mistake...
(El_diablo_blanco, Sun 26 Sep 2010, 16:41, Reply)

No nookie for me
Was at a party when I was 18. A stunning buxom redhead arrives with a guy. I am taking some photos, and she poses for me. Flash whites out the entire shot. She takes me upstairs to a small toilet, closes and locks the door, unbuttons her top and throws some poses. I take photos, then say, "we should get out of here before your boyfriend finds out what we're doing". Confused, she replies "I don't have a boyfriend", and leaves. I woke up the next morning, look back at the photos and realise something very important: Girls can and do have male friends.
(mofoitk Vulcanising the whoopie stick in the ham wallet, Sun 26 Sep 2010, 15:54, Reply)

I joined a dating site
and worked on a profile. I had a flattering, recent picture of myself (without any exes in the photo), a witty opening line, and an honest and compelling paragraph about my interests and hopes (written in actual words and not txtspk). I ruined it all by forgetting the obvious first step. That's right, I forgot to include a picture of my erect penis.

I was so embarrassed when I worked out why no one was contacting me!
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sun 26 Sep 2010, 15:34, 4 replies)

I invented a foolproof betting system,
based on having multiple accounts with different agencies. It meant that I'd come out ahead whether Collingwood or St Kilda won the Grand Final.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sun 26 Sep 2010, 15:32, 1 reply)

Fool
I'd heard the stories. I didn't really believe them.
People whose opinion I respected had told me of their own experiences. It only made me more curious.
I was warned and I did it anyway.

I rented "Batman and Robin"

It was shit.
(Big D, Sun 26 Sep 2010, 14:48, 3 replies)