i would have just quit the job
this happened about a week ago at a place i used to work, essentially an office job.

one of the girls who had been there a while was training one of the new starters. well she must have gone out for a cigarette or something and left this guy alone at her computer...

a bit later she checks her sentbox and finds that a picture of her (which she herself had uploaded onto the computer for backgrounds or whatever) has been sent to this guy's home email address! this spreads around the office quicker than his face could turn red and he is called into the managers office to explain himself. how embarrasing!
(ewe, Fri 2 Feb 2007, 12:47, Reply)

Caught out
Ok, this one happened to me just before Christmas at a party….and involves being overheard rather than having a diary read….

I was slightly worse for wear having downed around a bottle of white wine - yes I know, I’m a cheap date. I went off to the loo, not actually needing a pee but rather wanting to send a slightly salacious text and pic to someone…….

Now you know how it is…you’ve had a few and time just seems to have no meaning….

I was in the loo taking pics, writing rude texts and then I had the idea that sending a short video message would be even more fun….

So there I am, sniggering to myself because of course this is the most original idea anyone has ever had….

I’m talking to myself and saying just what I had in mind for the recipient of the message….go use your imagination….

Then I hear a voice….oops….A female friend had been sent to find me…and erm, she had heard exactly what I wanted ……

So, as she is such a ‘dear’ friend, I had to bribe her to keep quiet about my activities…..and her demands were simple ones….I just hadn’t realised that she had a thing for me….
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Fri 2 Feb 2007, 12:44, Reply)

bedsh1tting sequel!
every bestseller deserves a sequel. so here is the sequel to the bedsh1tting boss.

about a year after the rancid incident (if i were clever enough to put a link to the post i would, but then i wouldn't wish reading it on any of you. in summary: my then boyf shit the bed. with me in it), i was cleaning the bedsh1tter's kitchen because he didn't believe in things like washing up or mopping floors.

bending down to peel something unidentified and sticky off the floor, i found a letter from his mother also stuck to the floor. it was folded up so i only saw the first half (i do have some limits!) but of course if you can read, you see and you understand.

it was a letter from his mother bollocking him for shitting the bed and leaving it "smeared all over the sheets" and "all over that disgusting towel [she] found in the garage". the worst thing was that in huge red capital underlined letters, she'd written "THIS IS THE THIRD TIME IN A YEAR".

the man was 35 years old!!! and he'd shat the bed at least 4 times in 12 months?

it was over very shortly after that. i'd almost feel sorry for his new nazi slutwhore of a german girlfriend, but i've seen her bedding (in fact, i've had sex on it) and you wouldn't really be able to tell he'd done it...
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 2 Feb 2007, 12:40, Reply)

VULCAN 15.
I are Fluent in Swedish...

Send the link and i'll translate for you :o)
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Fri 2 Feb 2007, 12:32, Reply)

More pryings
OK, so the rest of my pryings have led to the following discoveries :-

In my last job:-

A shit load of dubious porn on one bloke's laptop leading to a Personnel enquiry and his sacking. His excuse - "I work on site a lot and spent a lot of time on my own in the hotel in the evenings with nothing to do". I made sure I washed my hands thoroughly after handling his laptop after that revelation.

Email trail of another hated manager expressing his love and lust to a girl he worked with, telling her he was leaving his wife and new baby for her. She backed off completely and he gave his marriage another go.

Found out a lad recently employed on the Helpdesk was making personal copies all the software stored on the servers and was leaving work early - that led to him being sacked (no-one liked him much anyway and they were looking for an excuse to sack him)

In my current job :-

The chairman of the company expresses preferences for women shagging horses and dogs. This is on his PC in work. Don't want to know why he is in the toilet for so long.

Sales Director has signed up to several swinging and dogging websites. He uses the excuse that he prefers to stay over when visiting clients as the travelling gets too much.

I'm sure that there is more filth out there - just haven't found it yet.

Karma does kick in though and my mother in law found a load of photos of me and her daughter in comprimising positions taken by my then girlfriend (now wife) when she broke open her diary. I had a feeling her 18 yr old sister was taking a sneaky peek at the same photos when she was staying at ours (they were in a bedside drawer) so I set the photos in a way that I could tell if they were looked at when I was at work, and sure enough they were all moved. Happened 3 days on the trot before I moved them somewhere I knew she couldn't find them. Even though she's a bit of a minger, still turned me on a bit the fact that she kept looking. My wife was also at work so it couldn't have been her.

No apologies for length or girth, the fact she kept going back to them leads me to believe that she liked it.
(brocky, Fri 2 Feb 2007, 12:12, Reply)

NMBAF
...let's call her Cassie FTIHN, was going out with this guy with a recent ex that he was staying mates with. He refused to cut off contact and it drove C. mad.

So she started what I like to call The Campaign of Complete Insanity. She started off 'subtly' plying his mates with booze and quizzing them about the Ex of Doom. Within weeks she'd turned his entire bedroom upside down, one bit at a time, scrutinising photos, love letters, old bills and docos from the house they used to share, and his diary. She checked his texts and call logs (regularly). She read his e-mails (regularly).

I had to step in when she told me - quite proudly - that she'd got the ex's work phone number from his mobile, Googled it, found out where the poor girl worked and was considering posting her a turd in a box.

We don't speak much any more.
(pandora peroxide thinks it's a blocker, master! on, Fri 2 Feb 2007, 12:10, Reply)

My girlfriend has just sent me the link to her blog...
I've known about it's existance for a while, but I didn't want to go hunting for it, figured that if she wanted me to see it, she'd show me - which she now has. Only one small problem.

I can't read Swedish. Now would be the time to learn I guess!
(Potty Jag har smör i min rumpspringa, Fri 2 Feb 2007, 12:01, Reply)

Dutch bird
I once read this Dutch birds diary, hoping it would be all rampant hardcore sex and drug taking, but all she seemed to do was hide in the attic and be very quiet.
(turtles head is touching cloth poked a dwarf on the forehead at, Fri 2 Feb 2007, 11:55, Reply)

I accidentally read
The Necronomicon.

Sorry about the glabrous tentacly things devouring the souls and ravaging the bodies of all humanity, it's my fault if anyone wondered.

Iä Shub-Niggurath, whose length is sliding under your door as you read this!
(littlesunshine licked your blinky diodes on, Fri 2 Feb 2007, 11:53, Reply)

Anne Frank uncensored
Everyone knows that Anne Frank's father censored those pages which dealt with her young awakenings, but did you know that he also cut out the more frivolous sections? I bought them at auction a few years ago and they make unusual reading:

Monday 14th June: I was looking out of the window and saw a pair of German soldiers walking beneath. Quick as a flash, I dredged up a glutinous hoogie and spat it down. It splashed against one of their helmets. "Was ist Dat?" they yelled. I laughed so much that I pissed my pants and mama slapped me.

Thursday 18th August: I'm so bored! All I do is sit in this wardrobe and try to be quiet. So this morning I ate a whole jar of capers and three boiled eggs. At lunchtime I had such a terrible fart brewing. Just as Papa was going to eat his first mouthful of soup, I yelled "Watch this!", hoiked up my dress and held a candle to my bottom. A jet of blue flame emerged and the wardrobe was uninhabitable for days! Mama spanked me until I couldn't sit down.

Friday 1st September: Bad news. Mrs Meerschaum was beaten to death last night and her corpse is still in the street. Everyone is terribly sad. Everyone except me, that is. I hated the old trout. She spat when she talked and her breath smelled of herring. As soon as I heard, I asked Mama, "Can I have her lace hat? She won't be needing it now she's croaked." Mama thrashed me half senseless. I hate her!

Wednesday 2nd November: I did such a huge turd this morning! It was so big that I couldn't flush it away and I had to cut it up with Papa's razor. He was livid when I told him and he slapped my bottom until it glowed purple. So I spat on his pillow when he wasn't looking.

Thursday 24th December: It is almost Christmas ... only we're goddamed Jewish so we can't have the tree and Santa Claus. I begged Mama but she said we can't change religion just to have a tree. Why not! I told her I want to become a Baptist and she hit me so hard that I spun round three times before I fell over. I did a little wee in her tea and she didn't notice. That'll teach her!
(frankspencer, Fri 2 Feb 2007, 11:53, Reply)

Hmm
I'm not sure who's in more need of help - frankspencer or Cap'n Haddock...

At Uni I was lucky enough to share a house with an ex-con (GBH and ABH). Really. I'm not going to go into full detail as he was a nutter, threatened me in a nightclub with a bundle of pain while the bouncers watched unless I paid him and my landlady was a dodgy as they come - safety regulations - NOT!

Anyhoo

I kept a diary - it was a Dear nnn (I'm not telling) kind of diary. Anyway, it was in my room. In a safe box which had my diary, jewellery and some money* in it - I came back after having been home one weekend and the safe box had been nicked. By the ex-con. He made up some shitty excuse about someone breaking in and stealing it and the TV and some shit about them throwing the remote control at him.

But they (he) left my brand new Technics Hi Fi...

I was mortified as I'd lost 2 years of diary and I was worried. No need as the dumb fuck probably couldn't read anyway - and there's no chance he'll be on here as he's probably inside being bum raped. (Even though this was 10 years ago, apparently I'm still angry about it....)

* Money? Well, as far as the insurance company was concerned it had money in it.

Length, girth? Check. Now. Hold. Still....
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Fri 2 Feb 2007, 11:38, Reply)

Shame on you, mum!
Snooping around my younger sister's room one day, I happened across her diary... To be fair, I decided if she hadn't wanted anyone to read it, she wouldn't have left it on her bed with the legend MY DIARY emblazoned across it.

To my relief (and slight disappointment), my sister was a very young and innocent 14 year old, somewhat naive and a TERRIBLE writer. The pages were littered with wistful longings and tired cliches regarding the various objects of her affection - standard teenaged unrequited love stuff.

I jumped guiltily as I heard the front door bang, and thinking my sister was home I hurriedly tried to put the diary back exactly as I had found it, whilst thinking up an excuse for being in her room. As I sauntered down the stairs, my face struggling to maintain its expression of nonchalance, a wave of relief washed over me as I met my mum at the foot of the stairs. A sudden urge to confess and repent quickly followed (lapsed catholic, you see) -

"I've just been reading Holly's diary" I blurted out conspiritorially.

"Yeah, it's crap, isn't it?" my mum replied, without batting an eyelid.

Thank GOD I never kept a diary.
(Badgerette, Fri 2 Feb 2007, 11:32, Reply)

ahhh, firewalls
one of our sales managers has discovered that his wireless connection from the board room isn't firewalled properly, and thus allows him unprecedented access to highly sensitive data on the Sales Directors personal system. He has some very interesting information regarding the amount of money that the fat cunt is bleeding out of the company, as well as private personnel files which err on the wrong side of litigous. We haven't yet worked out how to use it all in one single hit, but when the end comes he will be first against the wall.
(kaptinkurtz, Fri 2 Feb 2007, 11:21, Reply)

Personnel File
I once found the Personnel file my boss was keeping on me.
It contained emails I'd sent and received, details of my timekeeping (He'd kept a spreadsheet of it all for 2 years), and the coup-de-gras was a 2 page summary of me in which he described me as "an agitator", "without discipline" and "The least likely of the team to succeed because of his inability to stick to what he is told".

So to extract my revenge on him, I hit him over the head when he came out of the toilet, dragged his comatose body into a store room, and tied him to a chair.
As he came round I started playing Steelers Wheel's "Stuck in the middle with you" at him, whilst waving a knife at his ear and liberally dousing him with petrol, laughing in his face at his muffled protestations of innocence.
I waved his report in his face, "Agitator eh?", as I cut his left ear off with the knife.
Tears rolled down his terrified face.

I screwed the report up and put it in his mouth, setting fire to it with my zippo.

I turned on my heels and walked out to the smell of burning clothes and skin, and the muffled screams of a middle management wanker.

That was 7 years ago, and I'm up for parole again soon, if I get out I'll be looking for a job in the Civil Engineering arena. Any offers gratefully received.
(LunarJim, Fri 2 Feb 2007, 11:12, Reply)

frank.....
For gods sake, Take some bromide, man.
(LunarJim, Fri 2 Feb 2007, 10:56, Reply)

flamenco
I once had a girlfriend who was the kinkiest and most libido-driven of them all. She was an ex-gymnast and dancer who was working as an 'exotic dancer' when I met her. Three nights a week, she went to flamenco classes, returning home sweaty and rushing straight to the shower. After some time, I became suspicious about this and dug out her diary while she was out 'dancing'.

Wednesday: ... and as I sat naked on the edge of the bed, he put a blindfold around my eyes. I heard the door open and some people entering. In a moment, I felt hands all over my body: on my breasts, between my legs, tracing patterns across my back and bum. I have no idea how many people there were, or whether they were men or women. Soon, I felt a cock at my lips and I took it into my mouth ... then another and another. I have no idea how many I sucked off. My chest was spattered with cum by the time they'd all finished. After some time, I took off the blindfold and found myself alone in the room.

Friday: ... I told them that nobody was allowed to penetrate any orifice. I was interested only in their jizz. Again, they put the blindfold on me and I lay naked on the table. I soon felt the first ejaculation shoot hotly across my tits ... then another across my stomach. I opened my mouth and in no time my lips with streaked with cum. By now, I was so horny I thought I would spontaneously combust. I opened my legs and felt a warm gush hit my waxed parts, trickling down to my ass. I reached out my hand and filled it with a willing cock, which pulsed it's nectar over my hand like a popping champagne bottle ...

Monday: They guys decided it would be fun to see how many orgasms I could have in an hour. It started with me on my back on the dining table and them taking it in turns to lick my clit. That was four right there. By then I was drenched and gagging for cock. Jerry was the biggest and he thrust me full of meat as John popped his cock into my mouth. I came almost immediately and flipped over so that someone could have a go in my ass. It was a surprise when they went for the double and stoked me in both at the same time. That time I sprayed my own come down their legs ...

Well, I was shocked to read such things. I'd been paying a fortune for those flamenco lessons. I asked her to refund the money as soon as she got home that night.
(frankspencer, Fri 2 Feb 2007, 10:52, Reply)

My brother
Our exercise books at school had a few pages at the back which were specifically set aside for "notes". Of course, there was a stellar tradition of pupils writing rude things in the notes section of their exercise books, and even ruder things in each other's notes sections.

When he was in Year 8, a classmate of my brother once got hold of his history book and scrawled some filth in the notes section.

Later that week, my mum was checking his history homework and came across it. She decided this would be time for a little heart-to-heart with her youngest child.

I love Caprice. I want to suck her titties.
Is Caprice a girl in your class?

Henry is gay.
Henry...did you write this?

Never let your mum get hold of your exercise books.
(grandmasterfluffles Come to my Armageddon party on, Fri 2 Feb 2007, 10:51, Reply)

you privacy invading bastards
how would you like it if someone read your diary and found out you let your dog Rex lick your balls *shit forget that last part*
(branflakes, Fri 2 Feb 2007, 10:48, Reply)

Convent diaries
Funny that this question should be asked right now….I’ve been clearing out some stuff of mine and found some old diaries of my own from my school days and re-read some things I had almost forgotten.

When I was in the sixth form I took one subject down at the local boys’ school, as I’ve already mentioned in a previous QoTW. One day I forgot to take one of my text books to the lesson so Mr. S the teacher insisted that one of the boys hand his book to me. As luck would have it this was the same class geek that put his hand up my skirt – as recounted previously….

I opened the book and a folded piece of lined A4 paper slipped out, absent-mindedly thinking it was mine I put it into my bag and forgot about it. Later on sitting in the common room I found the paper again and opened it up. I’ve still got the paper, and this is what it says….

If I can get her on her own before class do you think she’ll let me slide my hand up her stockings again?

I was shocked, all the boys knew …. But I was also strangely turned on by the thought, so a game began……

I added my own comment.

Why don’t you try it and see? She might like someone slipping their hand past her stockings, up to her lacy panties and …

At the next class I purposely forgot my book, borrowed one again and slipped the note inside.

I turned up early for the next class only to find a good (male) friend of mine waiting for me so any plans my classmates had were scuppered.

But, the book was given to me again and this time the note was far more graphic….

I want to bend you over the desk, rip your lacy panties off and fill you with points of parliamentary law…will you be my private secretary?

This note I had stupidly opened during class and the flush on my face must have been evident because Mr S asked if I was feeling alright. I was excused, and ran back to my school. After I had calmed down I decided to push things a little….I replied again…

If you get down on your knees I’ll be anything you want.

And I sent the book with the note back to the boys’ school.

I was early for the next lesson. I got what I wanted, he got what he wanted – the lesson was cancelled because although I thought it was the class geek I’d been corresponding with, I was wrong. Mr S had intercepted the notes and I ended up spending as much time on my knees as he did…..


Length....I was a 17 year old convent girl and he was my thirty year old teacher....
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Fri 2 Feb 2007, 10:47, Reply)

Worth a punt
As a young lad of 10-11, I was going through a load of storage boxes in my wardrobe when I stumbled across a diary from 1962 - my mum's no less. Nothing juicy in it at all except across 2 pages, written by John Lennon, To RickGrimes Mum, love the Beatles, followed by all 4 signatures.
"Do you know what these are Mum?"
"Course I do, it's the Beatles autographs, I met them backstage before they got famous, wondered where they'd gone"
"Worth a few quid these ma?"
"Nah, just an old diary isn't it?"

Oh, alright mum, I'll have them when you're done then.
(RickGrimes Quite frankly, disappointed on, Fri 2 Feb 2007, 10:39, Reply)

sweet revenge
In summer of last year I happened to be visiting some mates in that there London town, them being city dwellers they have about 10 cubic feet of personal living space each and share their house with an ever changing number of strangers. At this point in time however, one such stranger was renowned for being just about the rudest woman on the planet and they were all counting the days down to when they could finally get rid of her.

Just as an example, one of the guys that lived in the house came home from his dad’s wake obviously grief stricken but also quite pissed, as he entered the house he fell over into the massive pile of bikes at the front door…Beast appears at the top of the stairs and yells “I’m glad your dad died, perhaps you know how miserable I am because you’ve woken me up”. She really was the most unpleasant creature.

Anyway I digress, all she ever said to me was that i would have to sleep on the floor in the front room and not on her sofa bed (also in the front room) as it wasn’t meant for sleeping on (a really shit sofa bed then?). When I settled down for a kip I required some reading material and low and behold Beast has left her college bag downstairs so I set about flicking through the notes of whatever gibbery-wanky part time course she was doing. Now very occasionally I get dumb luck and this was one such time as at the back of one of her notebooks was a whole heap of very personal poetry penned by the Beast. I’m not critic but it was fucking shit. So I grabbed a pen and marked it, then placed it all back exactly where I found it. Her best result was a “D+” and a “See me after class”.

Alright so not so much of an accident as entirely intentional reading of someone else’s stuff but I felt they deserved it. Oh and rumour has it someone wanked on her pillow when she was out but I can neither confirm nor deny this rumour.
(i anglepoise, Fri 2 Feb 2007, 10:38, Reply)

Me and my girlfriend
-Were housesitting for my parents a couple of years back while they were on a romantic reliving-our-youth kind of vacation in london.. we made it our quest to do it in every room of the house and rummage through their stuff and so on like bored teenagers othen do.. anyway.. we came across my mothers' diary from when she met dad 25 years ago and found out that they were worse than us.. and that she had had an abortion, and that she had slept with my uncle..(luckily in that order)... despite the horror we read the entire 3 volumes of drugs and debauchery.. i still can't believe they went back to re-live that... :-/
( wnkr - No it isn't..., Fri 2 Feb 2007, 10:08, Reply)

Brother's diary
After my brother moved out of home, I was clearing up his room ready for redecorating when I came across a large, colourful book. I opened it up and it turned out to be a joint diary that he and his missus kept together.

A bit of back story. His girlfriend is one half of a twin, they met in college, they now live together and are a common-law married couple.

The first few pages were quite amusing, all about how they met and what they first thought of each other etc. It was quite sweet, I didn't actually feel like I was intruding. It spoke of her hatred for my brother's then girlfriend because he could do better and he was great, funny, goodlooking etc. My brother's side mainly spoke of his utter confusion when he saw her walking in one direction wearing one set of clothes and then five minutes later going in the opposite direction having changed her wardrobe and hairstyle completely.

Of course, I read too far and started to see references to "stroking the colonel" and his "magic fingers". I was scarred.

When I next saw my brother I gave him an entirely unexplained clip around the ear for doing that to me. Fancy leaving something like that lying around for people to find. Cunt.
( Kroney, Fri 2 Feb 2007, 10:01, Reply)

This is probably the closest....
I've never actually kept a real diary, but week by week, I seem to be cataloging some of the things that have happened to me with varying degrees of humour. So you're all reading my retrospective diary..... and I'm reading yours.

Edit: Oh noes! No more Che! :(
( Sonic James Doom forgetting the date since... umm..., Fri 2 Feb 2007, 9:46, Reply)

Three cheers for Che G...
...one of my favourite posters - I'll miss him.
(thatblokeoverthere not quite as much an arsehole as I thought, Fri 2 Feb 2007, 9:43, Reply)

Swansong
I've already posted my story ('Going too far', I think) about when Xena read my 'oh-not-so-innocent' diaries when I off visiting on old mate in Dudley. Though very nearly causing a break-up it didn't, I think (once the dust had settled) that she realised that I was no worse than many another lad, and that the self-absorbed and usually sex-starved musings of an adolescent boy shouldn't really surprise anyone, plus, she was in the wrong - you don't read diaries any more than you should sit you partner down on a couch, swing a pocket watch in front of their eyes and tell them they are feeling sleepy, before delving into the inner-most crevises of their mind.

Anyway - that's all I've got to say on this topic, and dear readers, I feel my time on these boards is nearing its natural end, having achieved my life-long ambition: first post and making the 'best of' page in the same week. Rather than shoe-horning my memories into the QOTW or falling into the trap of trying to out-do myself with Janet & John stories, I think I'll move on. My blog needs attention and I hope to dedicate at least a bit of time each week to it from now on. Feel free to visit and leave messages or whatever you do - address is in on my profile. I'll probably return from time to time and will always read the board - so don't let me down boys and girls.

Woo and Yay to you all,

Che
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Fri 2 Feb 2007, 9:31, Reply)

When I was 16 I was checkout supervisor
at a crappy little supermarket in my hometown as a Saturday job.

One of the checkout girls, dim, bad at her job, surly to customers but a bit of a slapper, was suddenly given a massive payrise and promoted to checkout supervisor. It was pretty obvious she was shagging the store manager.

At least she was until her dad read her diary, came into the store and gave the manager a hefty punch in front of all the customers and told the manager's wife that he had been having an affair with a 16 year old girl.

We never saw her again.
( Afinkawan Yes I can hear you Clem Fandango, Fri 2 Feb 2007, 9:31, Reply)

too wise to write one...
as having an evil little brother meant it was only a matter of time before he'd have a go at it.

but at uni, i started keeping a dream diary, as a friend had told me that when you do it, your dreams slowly get more and more vivid and random. he wasn't wrong.

my roomie sadly suffered from clinical depression, and with her being a great friend, i would regularly allow her to read it, as it always made her piss herself laughing, which was a welcome respite for her.

her favourite ones were 1) everything was normal, except the floor was made out of meat, and 2) there was a small tadpole-like creature called a mender, that when you tickled it would raise a fin and hum the first few bars of 'smells like teen spirit'.

was glad for my subconcious to be of assistance.
(niceandwarmandhot vive la résistance, Fri 2 Feb 2007, 9:26, Reply)

'Secret Diary'...
...one of the strongest examples in existence of a contradiction in terms.

I mean seriously, if you want to keep your thoughts private, keep them in your head. Anyone who physically writes them down then gets all indignant when someone scopes them out is an idiot, or more likely just deceiving themselves. It's my opinion that people do that kind of thing because they want thier thoughts to be known and just don't have the balls to voice them.

Now if you type your journal on a computer and keep it (securely) encrypted, that's more like it - not that I do, but if I did that would be the way for me. But a paper book secured at best by a lock you it that can open with the nail on your pinkie finger? Honestly, who do you think you're fooling?

I've had the opportunity to check out a journal or two here and there, but didn't take it - not really interested - enough of my own thoughts knocking about in my head, thanks very much. That said, there is some temptation lately in scoping the other half's emails and IM logs on account of an obscure suspicion that I've held for awhile and trust me, if I wanted to, I could - in minutes. Still not going to do it though - it's just not cricket. People tell me I'm too nice about this kind of thing :)
(thatblokeoverthere not quite as much an arsehole as I thought, Fri 2 Feb 2007, 9:15, Reply)