msn + geekery
My sister doesn't like anybody reading her "msn". Though not being the brightest, and me being a computer expert she doesn't know of ARP spoofing, packet redirection and sniffing.

Unfortunately for me it's all a load of boring crap, and any of the more interesting stuff I don't want to read, as it might scar me.

The moral is if you're on a switched LAN, get yourself a copy of ettercap (Shift-u, Ctrl-s, MITM->Arp Poisoning-->Sniff Remote connections, Ctrl-w, Shift-c), and have some fun. Wireshark might be useful too. But be prepared to wash your eyes out with soap.
(gerg, Mon 5 Feb 2007, 19:25, Reply)

Are we allowed to post off topic?
Cool, fuck it then.

Does a Cisco Pix count as a diary?

When I worked in the NHS in the Peoples Republic we bought a shiny new Cisco firewall. Within a day of setting our trap we had loads of "inapropriate" content to sift through.

One gentlemen in particular I hold responsible for robbing me of any last vestiges of shockability I might of had. Hell, I didn't even know such things existed until I turned 30.

Here's the jist of the email toing and froing:

"Mike, are you out tonight?"
"I can't, I am still bleeding. I have been to the doctors today and he says it will be about a week"
"Why? are you hurt?"
"No, my partner was fisting me. I can take it up to the wrist now and he is training me to take more"

Mikey liked to lay on a plastic sheet, be tickled with a feather then have a hairy arsed biker attempt to recover his car keys from no mans land.
(Mong The Merciless Older not wiser, Mon 5 Feb 2007, 18:43, Reply)

Chris Houlden
Not a diary entry, but close. At work we have a fella called Chris, or Ace as he asked to be called on his first day. Having left himself logged on at work, I was shocked and stunned as I violated our working relationship by rifling through his internet history folder, to find it literally brimming with amputee dwarf porn links! I barely had chance to write any down for a friend however, before he returned!

Still I left a picture of a naked David Hasselhoff with two minging puppies as his background.

www.blasto.de/block/wp-content/uploads/2006/08/david-hasselhoff.jpg

Just goes to show how much you can learn about a person from the smallest of things hey?
(Neostenine's maker, Mon 5 Feb 2007, 18:32, Reply)

Oh god, no
Not really paper diary stuff but more contents of hard drive stuff.

After twatting round the world as a jumped up consultant I slipped into semi retirement in the Peoples Republic of Cornwall and got me a little computer shop. Pint, pasty and an easy life.

Anyhow, part of my "services" to the local retardery (pedants are particularly welcome to "fuck off" at any lexical or syntactical errors) was to copy the contents of their old hard drive over to their new, inferior quality yet overpriced PC.

My favourite inbreds, in no particular order, include:

- Mr. "X". A 78 year old gentlemen who, after asking me to help download the contents of a digital camera he had bought from me, glossed over the images of his ancient yet hairy and slightly rancid balls sticking out the side of an electric pink thong.

- Mrs. "Y" who took it on herself to sue me for placing copious amounts of pornography on her partners computer whilst it was in for repair. The judge saw the funny side however when I pointed out that the person wearing the lingerie in many of the pictures was indeed Mr. "Y", a noteable transvestite of this parish, and several emails in his Outlook Express were from his "partner" whom he was arranging to meet at the local glory hole.

- Mr. "Z". A particularly ingenious Chav who had kindly photographed all his stolen booty to put on ebay and placed it in "c:\nicked", including three pictures of the camcorder I had stolen from my shop two weeks earlier.

- Mr. "mongthemerciless". An irate computer shop owner that uploaded copious amounts of donkey cock to a chav's PC before calling the police and pointing out its illegal nature.

The amount of husband/wife pron and saucy emails in Outlook was ridiculous.

Loads of length and girth there.
(Mong The Merciless Older not wiser, Mon 5 Feb 2007, 18:27, Reply)

I've never read anyone's diary.
That's because I can't read.

I dictated this. To my dictator.

He doesn't read people's diaries either. He tortures them until they tell him what's in them.

Wahahahahah

(That was the dictator laughing)
(mmm_oates, Mon 5 Feb 2007, 18:19, Reply)

JK Rowling's diary
I was strolling along minding my own business when I spied a leather-bound book in the gutter. I picked it up to discover that it was the writing diary of Rowling, revealing all the secrets of the last Potter book. I quote verbatim:

Idea: Why not have Harry insert his hot bulb into Hermione's mouth? He could tell her it's a magic spell to give her unlimited power. She gags on his spunk and turns his nuts into lychees ...

Idea: Ron turns out to be Harry's real dad. He tries to lure Harry to the dark side of Mordor by offering the key to Voldemort's outside khazy: "KiIl him while he's on the crapper, Harry etc."...

Idea: Dumbledore comes back from the dead and gets prosecuted for 20 years of paedophile abuse. The Weasley brothers admit that he touched their scrotes, and that token black kid does something or other so he can be featured in the next film.

Idea: Hermoine gang-bangs all of Slytherin as a diversion, while Harry tries to discover why Dumbledore isn't Richard Harris anymore. He discovers that he is a character in a series of seven books and that he's going to die in the next one. Shits his pants like a girl.

Idea: It was all a dream. The true hero is that hunky Scottish one who plays Quidditch. He unravels a monstrous cock and fires a Death Beam from it ...

[I asked Rowling for some money but she told me to fcuk myself, so I have revealed all her secrets here. What, can't she spare half a mil?]
(frankspencer, Mon 5 Feb 2007, 17:07, Reply)

Muppet alliance
My boss is a the bastard offspring of David Brent and Alan Partridge, only meaner, more conceited, and fortunately for me and my (nominal)+1 manager more stupid than either.
He's a millionaire, but so mean he made his gold digging girlf (whose parents are younger than him) get out of a taxi in the Manc equivalent of the bronx because it was £5 more than he'd expected up to that point. At 2am. They had to wait half an hour for another taxi, which proceeded to charge him £10 more than he expected to pay. Hah hah.
Anyway.. at an interminable trade fair in Amsterdam, he left his phone which I checked... apart from the message saying 'I know you don't want any more children, but I really want a baby (i.e. your cash), I don't know what to do' was another message, with better consequences. My loathing for my boss was well known, however my +1 manager was a rather spineless fence sitter. Till the text message we found, from his girlf, saying 'enjoy your day with the muppets'. Clearly indicating that was the way our boss talked about both of us... Muppet he could have handled (i.e. me) - but that 's' has resulted in a pact which allows days off on the q.t., easy street,and as much piss as we can take, to this very day...
(Countryslicker, Mon 5 Feb 2007, 17:02, Reply)

Brucey bonuses all round
I went out on a bike round, in th'ills, and found a recently dropped mobile phone. Checked the 'home'/'mum' number - rang it, spoke to the runner who'd just dropped it, arranged for him to come round and pick it up.

In the mean time, I slipped and fell on the the 'gallery', which had a lovely photo of his blonde ?wife? girlf? (I'll never know) on a hotel bed, in the buff, breasts held in an alluring pose. I'd just managed to close it all up when there was a knock at the door - he presented me with a £10 bottle of wine as the other reward...
(Countryslicker, Mon 5 Feb 2007, 16:52, Reply)

i tried to be clever
i had a diary for a few weeks . . .

about how everything was shite and i was lonely, ya know.

but i wrote it all in FRENCH so no fucker could read it :)

i decided to stop writing in it after i quit french and got a girlfried :) wahoot!
( Raudulfr, Mon 5 Feb 2007, 16:06, Reply)

Matthew Field
Is this you? Do you really like to "talk on da phone"?

profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=22708179
( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Mon 5 Feb 2007, 15:38, Reply)

Finding a page dedicated to my dad...
but not in a good way, I was looking for a pic of the family crest and found an image from a page dedicated to how my dad is a cheating bastard.

That was a nice topic over sunday dinner.
( Jenk Neptune is a pedant and now I can't fit my sig in, Mon 5 Feb 2007, 15:21, Reply)

Nope this isn't what I accidently read...... but
Somone at work one day was so bored they decided to type names of collegues into myspace.

They found me! I don't have the nicest profile in the world infact I am quite offensive to alot of people I know....

So for a laugh I typed my name into google. That was a scary prospect if said person at work decides to do that.... I am quite an offensive work hating bastard.


Just for good measure incase this is found... Fuck you and your stupid work in your fucking arse bastards....

You should click "I like this" so it has a higher chance of being found
(Matthew-field.co.uk, Mon 5 Feb 2007, 14:50, Reply)

Bloody men
Working as a techie (bout 7 years ago now) the guy next to me was such a slow typist that I could clearly see his password. On a rather dull night shift I casually logged into his email, to be confronted with an enormous discussion between the whole of my team (all male) about me. Where I lived, what I wore, how shaggable I was on a scale of one to ten, whether I had a boyfriend, whether I was taking drugs (I was always tired due to sleep problems, bastards) and so on. Found a new job pretty sharpish after that.
(bonjelafiend, Mon 5 Feb 2007, 14:41, Reply)

boring.
considering apeloverage and frankspencer are so "hated" it would be interesting to see how many times they've appeared on the best page.

(I have no problem with either myself)

back on topic. When I was 13/14ish I wrote a dairy for a few days before my brother found it. He read it, lucklily I'd had some sense and not actually written out the name of the person I fancied instead using his first initial and some stars. There wasn't much interesting in there apart from the fact that I had seen this guy topless and he had an "amazing" stomach apparently. My brother laughed, I cried and he got bollocked. Oh, the guy was my brothers best friend's younger brother as well.
(lei, Mon 5 Feb 2007, 14:14, Reply)

well......
the bedsh1tter's secretary used to forward his emails about me, to me. and about anyone else he'd shagged and lied about.

then i had to work out how to get it out of him without dropping her in it.

he probably still thinks i am psychic.

and because i created his hotmail account for him (inept computer illiterate twat that he was), i could read that if i was so inclined. he used to email his korean "girlfriend" from there, and the emails were tragically sad. things like "i love you like curry and i wanna be mrs bedsh1tter" and "i wish i'm with u and take care" whilst he would put things like "i got bitten by a dog on holiday. you're sexy. woof woof!"

hmmmm, almost as sad as reading them, which is why i stopped.

btw, i wouldn't criticise anyone else for posting, if i don't like it i skip it, and b3ta is only there to make people laugh at the end of the day. but sadder than any of above has got to be counting how many times you made the "best of" page....... come on, man you're funnier than that!!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 5 Feb 2007, 14:07, Reply)

Mobile Phone Repair
I work in a mobile phone shop, and we had this guy bring in his camera phone for repair. It wasn't powering on due to "water damage". We managed to clear it up and, naturally, checked out the videos.

We then saw what we thought was a cheap porn video. Turns out it was him filming his missus playing with herself. When she finally came, she shot her load right on the phone. She even said the words, "it's gone on your phone," to which the deviant customer replied, "don't matter... carry on..."

So, yes. It smelt like lady juice. And that's what fucked your phone up, pal. Not "water".
(Roll Fizzlebeef enjoys a good Cleveland Steamer, Mon 5 Feb 2007, 13:53, Reply)

Not a diary as such.......
...but when I was about 13 or 14 years old and all i thought about was sex and had a constant hardon, i kept a book that i would doodle little cartoons on. i went through a short period of time of doodling the sexual acts i would like to perform on the girls that i fancied at my school. some of these pictures were quite graphic for a 13 year old (detailed pearl necklaces, doggystyle etc..). anyway, my mate came round my house once and snooped my room and happened upon the said doodle book. he found it hilarious and proceeded to tell the girls in question about it. they thought i was a perv, but the funny thing is i ended up going out with one of them a year later. adolescent school fling it was. didnt last long as i could recreate the fantastic images i had doodled into reality.

ps - don't make this place into a 'slagbox' about other peoples entries. if they make you laugh, great, if they don't, ignore them and post your own entry (or not).
(CaptainFellatioNelson is trying to kill me, Mon 5 Feb 2007, 13:41, Reply)

*puts apeloverage and frankspencer on ignore list*
*adds Captain fucking Haddock to the ignore list for good measure*

...

*wishes he could ignore every post with "apeloverage" and/or "frankspencer" in the title as well*

...

Anyway, the most trouble I've got in recently was when my girlfriend was looking for some old pics of us at a b3ta bash, and she came across a post I'd made that read:
"Well I did all right, I had a few rounds with my mates, got laid and got a taxi home."
I had been posting about playing the government's Know Your Limits flash game, but it took a fair bit of smooth talking to convince her this was the case...
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Mon 5 Feb 2007, 13:33, Reply)

Here we go again...
...every bastard week it's the same :/

Well, strongly similar anyway.
(thatblokeoverthere not quite as much an arsehole as I thought, Mon 5 Feb 2007, 12:22, Reply)

QUOTE:
me: This was the same gf with whom I had a screaming argument about whether it'd be better to have a time machine or an anarchist revolution.

Emily B-D: This would be why you spend a fair bit of time being single?

Yes, that was the joke.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Mon 5 Feb 2007, 12:16, Reply)

six answers in the 'best' last week
= I'm probably not generally considered to be as unfunny as you think I am.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Mon 5 Feb 2007, 12:15, Reply)

Confirmation Diary
Read my mates confrimation diary a few years back. Must have just been given to him by some religious freak as he's never been confirmed.

Anyway, this diary had spaces to draw pictures of certain things like 'This is the church', 'This is my family in church' etc etc.

The stuff he's put in started fairly innocently with crude childish scribblings of people smiling and sunny church gardens but it then took a sudden turn for the more disturbing...

I'll never forget the caption 'Jesus loves me' and the drawing my friend had put under it was of Jesus charging into a church wielding a knife in one hand and with a suicide bomb strapped on his back whilst hapless church-goers ran for their lives.

The scary thing is he came back from university with long hair and a beard and resembled a sort of hobo-Jesus and it struck me that the picture may not have been the product of a warped child's mind but a premonition into his own future...
(valdonia, Mon 5 Feb 2007, 11:59, Reply)

Apeloverage's Diary
Monday: Logged on to B3ta and scoured the new posts for inaccuracies and inconsistency. Notified people as to their errors and added half a dozen humourous one-liners. Received a number of messages but deigned not to read them or respond as this is a waste of my time.

Monday lunch: read a book on grammar and drafted a letter to its author notifying him that he had missed a full stop on page 149. My girlfriend came round and said she was feeling horny. "Oh," I quipped, "are you growing horns?" She left and I took some pictures of myself.

Monday evening: Thought about answering a QOTW but decided, on reflection, to mock it and the other posters in a high-minded and sardonic fashion. Added a few posts, including the obligatory pun on misreading the question and the inevitable inversion of the question (finding a bush under porn etc.)

Monday night: My girlfriend came back and said that she was feeling sexually aroused and would like some sexual intercourse. I could not find any fault with that sentence and became exceptionally angry. She left and I made a plaster of paris cast of my head. Needed two packets.
(frankspencer, Mon 5 Feb 2007, 11:32, Reply)

Ape
This was the same gf with whom I had a screaming argument about whether it'd be better to have a time machine or an anarchist revolution.

This would be why you spend a fair bit of time being single?

PS Time machine.
(Emily Bruce-Dickinson http://jovialfellow.blogspot.com/, Mon 5 Feb 2007, 11:21, Reply)

Why...
..dont you stop reading them if they bother you so much?

I expect you also send endless mails to the IT department where you go to school complaining about the amount of spam you get in your mailbox instead of just deleting it.
(LunarJim, Mon 5 Feb 2007, 11:15, Reply)

If Frank Spencer is so funny
Why doesn't he set up a blog or something rather than filling QOTW with his 'comedy' posts?

Then all his copycats can spam his comments too and everyone will be happy. Bless!
(redcamera, Mon 5 Feb 2007, 11:09, Reply)

frankspencer
Can you do a "Peter Sutcliffe's Diary" along the same lines as your emo one?
(LunarJim, Mon 5 Feb 2007, 11:06, Reply)