Prying eyes don't like what they read
Ex g/f, who was lovely but somewhat untrusting regularly used to go through my mobile and read through my list of contacts, usually quizzing me on each female name (Who are they? Are they prettier than me? Have you ever slept with them? Would you sleep with them if they asked?). She was a lovely girl, but the insecurities were beginning to drive a wedge between us and because she'd "confided" in all my friends about how insecure she was I had no-one at all to turn to.

Anyway, I did have one female pal she'd not met so a few texts were exchanged on the subject. Cue g/f walking into the lounge one evening in tears because she'd been through my mobile and read all my texts...

Whoops.

Next up was the instigator to my split with ex-mrs PJM. We hadn't been seeing eye to eye for months as our domestic life was as follows: she'd get in from work and nag the bejesus out of me like the spoiled brat she was. Once she'd finished giving me hell, she'd expect me to put out and would be somewhat less than chuffed when I'd invoke the "ewww gerroff!" method of contraception whilst trying not to vomit. This did absolute wonders for the state of harmony in the house.

Anyway, she announced one evening she was going out the following weekend "Fucking woo!" thought I and promptly invited the boys round for beers. However, with 48 hours to go she changed her mind, necessitating me emailing the chaps saying "actually mrs PJM isn't going out after all, but are you still up for beers?". The list of attendees dropped like a stone (very few of my mates saw eye to eye with her) so I emailed soemthing like "Don't worry, I'll get her out of the house somehow even if I have to use TNT".

Naturally, she went through my emails to see what I was up to, incorrectly assuming that my unwillingness to put out had something to do with me playing away from home.

"Why don't you want me around when you're with your friends?" she blurted seemingly oblivious to the obvious, shortly before embarking on a tirade the likes of which will remain unseen until Janet Street Porter succumbs to rabies.

We didn't last the rest of the week.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Thu 1 Feb 2007, 16:08, Reply)