Audi vs Chicken
With no apologies for length... My brother wrote this for my blog, and I'm sad to say that in ten years it's still the funniest thing to appear on the website. Bastard.

Back-story: His partner has a horse. It is kept on a farm. It has chickens.

This might come as a shock to some people, but chickens are the most stinky, repulsive and nasty creatures to walk the earth. Not only would they eat anything and everything put in from of them, they'd eat each other at the drop of a hat given half a chance. They're like rats with feathers and with more attitude. And what's with all that horrible red dangly skin stuff around their faces? It looks like they're all wearing Harry Redknapp's eyelids. And I hate the way they strut around giving it the large one.

Anyway, when we arrived, the farmyard was covered in the little pecky tossers. I backed the car up at 0 mph across the yard until I reached the barn. I then crippled myself heaving bags of stuff into the barn whilst she cooed and kissed the horse like a 'My Little Pony' advert.

When I was done, I noticed that the chickens where gathering around my car - and one of the fuckers even pecked the door! I ran at them shouting that piece of language that is internationally recognised in a way that the inventors of Esperanto can only dream: "Fuck off!"

Chickens shot off in all directions like a feathery firework. I check under the car to make sure that they'd all gone. Oh God, there's one still under there, next to my front wheel. Not moving, and its head's under my wheel. Bollocks.

"I've fucked a chicken... No, really...With my car. Help."

I move the car forward, to reveal a truly haunting sight. The chicken was squashed into the mud and its head and neck were at a really fucked-up angle. It's lifeless eye was staring up at me and we were just debating if we needed to let the farm owner know when its beady black eye blinked at me! I nearly shat myself.

"I knew it would be alright", she said matter-of-factly. "It'll be fine in a minute"

"What do you fucking mean it'll be fine?", I whisper, fearing discovery by Mrs Farmer. "It's been run over!"

"No, it'll have had worse."

"Come again?"

"They always get trodden on - it'll be OK."

"It's not been trodden on though, has it?", I retorted, looking wildly around for signs of the chicken's owner. "It's been fucking parked on."

She then proceeded to pluck Lucky from the puddle of mud (she made a loud squelch and left a perfect Kellogg's-like imprint) and carry her into the barn. I got my car keys out and flicked the mud out of its beak. It made some very odd noises while I had to run around aiming kicks at her concerned comrades who, unlike the solidarity and niceness shown in Chicken Run, were trying to eat their former friend.

On closer examination, I discovered a tiny droplet of blood on Lucky's beak. In other words, the sole visible injury that the chicken sustained after having an Audi parked on its head for ten minutes was a nose-bleed. A fucking nose bleed. Why don't they make cars out of the stuff that chickens heads are made of?
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Thu 24 May 2012, 13:59, 7 replies)

"I've fucked a chicken... No, really...With my car. Help."
*click*
( Slippery Mick ‏, Thu 24 May 2012, 15:11, closed)

I'm not clicking for you mind
it's for your brother
(sittingduck Attention seeking, bullshitting fuck-knuckle, Thu 24 May 2012, 16:38, closed)

You should google "Mike the headless chicken"
Those bastards are fucking indestructible
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Thu 24 May 2012, 16:52, closed)

Can Google also explain how,
if you push a chicken into mud, with sufficient force, the chicken will sink? Probably not, because it's clearly magic.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Thu 24 May 2012, 19:47, closed)

Had me chuckling...
All the way through *click*
(repooc, Fri 25 May 2012, 11:29, closed)

fantasitc horse
ive never known one keep chickens before ;)


also, clicks.
(shamen Geekius Maximus, Sat 26 May 2012, 22:44, closed)

That's a click from me.

( skeltonator Needs some new daps., Mon 28 May 2012, 16:21, closed)