Wine and mild racism
First off, let me just say that there's no harm in my mother - she's a lovely, well-meaning woman, who nevertheless has an incredibly mild racist streak that only comes out when she's had a few.

Case in point; The whole family was out celebrating something-or-other in a rather fancy chinese restaurant in Glasgow. My mum had already demolished most of a bottle of wine, and was merrier than Santa Clause on Ecstasy, when she spotted a grand piano in the corner. "Oooh, that's lovely - I wonder how they got it up the stairs?" she slurred.

At that moment, one of the (chinese) waitors came over to take our desert order. My Mum turned to him, and said, "Piano velly nice. How you get up stairs? You carry on back?" in the worst stereotypically racist chinese accent she could muster, while miming carrying a giant piano on her back.

As I started to close my eyes in shame, the waitor looked at her blankly, and said, in a perfect Scottish accent, "I dunno, it was probably already here when we got the place"

"Oh..." said my mum, and shrank in her seat as the rest of us burst into laughter
(Godwin's Lawyer is more evil than Hitler, Fri 25 Feb 2011, 13:45, 7 replies)

I have one golden rule
In restaurants, if I do insist on being rude, I do it after the food has arrived. The reply in a perfect Scottish accent did make me chuckle though!
(bROKEN aRROW PUA HVI Master, Fri 25 Feb 2011, 14:12, closed)

Indeed this.
It's common sense not to fuck about with the people currently controlling what you're about to put into your mouth.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 25 Feb 2011, 15:27, closed)

Hmmm
So all my ex-girlfriends had no common sense either then.
(Bushcricket, Fri 25 Feb 2011, 16:44, closed)

Badum-tish.

( idonthaveafunnynickname Drink-Aware? Sure. I'm aware I want another drink., Sat 26 Feb 2011, 9:46, closed)

If they were going out with you, clearly not.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Sat 26 Feb 2011, 14:18, closed)

Haha - silly mare
*clicks*
( Geoff the Clownfish You know Myra, some people might think you're cute, Fri 25 Feb 2011, 16:31, closed)

My wife is of Chinese extraction ...
... and just before the wedding, when I was talking to the registrar, he asked with some concern "she does speak English, doesn't she"?

He seemed reassured when I told him that she had recently completed her PhD thesis in the language, and in any case was born in North London. No mail-order brides that day.
( Ugi , it's a game of give and cake, Tue 1 Mar 2011, 16:06, closed)