Fuck me Thursday already

( buffet_the_appetite_slayer ٩(●̮̃•)۶ jacked in to the ICE on, Thu 17 Apr 2014, 13:22, 3 replies)

Good riddance to this weeks QOTW.

( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Thu 17 Apr 2014, 13:22, 1 reply)

Last

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Thu 17 Apr 2014, 12:55, Reply)

So c0ckweasle was in fact Fartbelm then?
I'm shocked.
( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Thu 17 Apr 2014, 12:44, 3 replies)

I once bought Oliver Reid and George Best.
Hahahaha. You see. Because the question means shopping while drunk (adj) and I'm deliberately misinterpreting it to mean shopping for drunks (n) and those two men were tragic alcoholics.

Oooooh man. Priceless.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 17 Apr 2014, 11:41, 7 replies)

More ebay
Two return journeys in a transit van, 350 miles, 5 bonnets, 3 doors, 4 boot lids, 2 back seats, 2 driver's seats, 5 wheels and a huge amount of carpet, body trim and various engine parts. That's what you get when you bid on a job lot of VW Golf mk1 spares on eBay whilst drunk. Then bid and win on another job lot not realising you won the previous auction also. It took me two years to get rid of those parts.
(Golloptrot, Wed 16 Apr 2014, 22:16, Reply)

Best drunk purchase - the BIBLE
I genuinely can not get through 3 pages of it without having a BISCUIT.

Those CHRISTIANS are bastards.
(Andrew Avetoom, Wed 16 Apr 2014, 19:04, 48 replies)

yeah yeah ... but can somebody explain how he's alive and only weighs 5 kg?

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 16 Apr 2014, 16:59, 7 replies)

Coming soon (probably): an endoscope.

For reasons I have no idea how to explain, I often get a strong urge to know what my ears look like on the inside. So it's only a matter of time before an endoscope arrives at the door...
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Wed 16 Apr 2014, 11:56, 18 replies)

Bought a book from an Amazon reseller
secondhand for $0.42 for my daughter.

Amazon charged me $25 postage and handling. I could have got it new for $19 with free shipping.

Sober as a judge.
(c0ckweasle is <s>quite impressed</s> a cunt, Wed 16 Apr 2014, 7:55, 78 replies)

The drunken purchase: a 10x8 heavy duty T&G shiplap shed, from a bloke in the pub, last Friday. £150. Bargain.

The sober purchases, when it failed to appear, fully formed, in my garden:

Delivery: £25
15 concrete blocks for base: £25
5 sleepers for base: £100
Bits of wood to replace ground level rot/stuff I broke dismantling the thing: £60
Wood treatment: £50
3.5x3m EPDM roofing sheet + adhesive: £150
Screws + bolts: £20
Then there's the two days' labour, and counting.

On the plus side - SHED!!!
( Happy Phantom has been to Hastings, Brighton, and Eastbourne too, Tue 15 Apr 2014, 22:11, 47 replies)

Lepidoptera
I was once drunkenly browsing an on line forum for fans of Lepidoptera. Their shop allowed you to have your own personal favourite printed onto a tshirt.

I spend ages looking for the perfect design, but gave up and spent a couple of hours in MS Paint designing my own. I woke up the next morning thinking no more about it.

A week later a parcel arrived containing a tshirt with the most hideous pair of wings on it, a really awful creation.

It was only when I was laying in the bath later, that I realised that I had accidently pasted my own moth.
(the_icks has the sweet essence of giraffe, Tue 15 Apr 2014, 21:33, 4 replies)

Not drunk but I saw a guy using an infrared thermometer with a laser beam on it
and just had to have one. About thirteen quid off of Amazon, it's a great toy if you spend a lot of time alone.
My back wall is currently 20.5C, my ceiling is 21C, freezer -18C and my woodburner last night was 382C.
Every boy should have one.
( edjogs Collared doves are shit., Tue 15 Apr 2014, 18:03, 20 replies)

Spotted my old Secondary School Bully.
Lacking a convenient Honda, I pretended he was invisible as he staggered up the steps to his flat (he was carrying an orrery - of all the weird things - in his huge, ham-like hands).

In hindsight, it had been inevitable bullying. I was a campy, childish late-bloomer from a tiny primary in the sticks, he was already on the brink of shaving. But still, I was distressed that all the old feeling could come flooding back, when my torment should have been wrapped up with school days, several decades ago.

Later on, I had to polish off a bottle of homemade pomegranate vodka - my friend wanted the bottle back to continue his distillery experimentation, and I felt like an arse having something as pretentious as pomegranate vodka knocking around anyway. Sadly, my thoughts continued to buzz toward my tormentor - and the vodka (though not tasting in any way of pomegranate, whatever the hell thats supposed to taste like) went down too sleekly for a light-weight like me.

That bastard. Unlike the lying propaganda of Disney (wherein all villains are either bright and weedy or dumb and stupid) his ham-like fists sat on top of cruelly clever tongue. I was brighter than him in the long-run, but when put on the spot, he could crush me either which way. And he seemed utterly fearless.

Hold. Utterly fearless? There was that time in class when we discuss weird phobias; I hate clowns, he hated pirates. Some sort of bad dream when he was tiny.

A Grand Plan for vengeance was constructed: a plan for a crushing humiliation of my enemy. A glorious cacophony of stewed revenge would be spilled over his head; all I needed to do was buy essentials and I would pounce like a tiger! Off to eBay!

*****

Woke up the next day with a fearsome hangover, sick in the sink, half a sandwich (with no filling?) clutched in my hand and very definitely poisoned. It was only when I started receiving stuff off eBay I recalled there had been a Grand Plan. It involved pirates, I remember, but I'm intrigued to know how it involved:


x2 Inflatable Unicorns. Obviously, two were necessary to the Grand Plan, in case one burst. Obviously.

Equally, x2 'Cannonball' class bowling-balls. Probably the closest I could get to real cannonballs.

Guidebook to Palaces of the UK - I have no idea where this came in; possibly I mistook 'pirates' for 'palaces'? A festering bit of tat if there ever was one, and sadly in my possession.

Misadventures of a Big Mouth Brit, piers Morgan. Worst buy of the lot; even looking at the cover contaminates my soul. Maybe my backup plan was to give said bully this?

x2 toy Trumpets, annoying child-at-christmas variety. Pirates use trumpets, don't they? Known for it.

Fawlty towers - probably just an impulse buy rather than part of the Grand Plan, but Jesus what a rip-off! It was well expensive for just 6 episodes, and on VHS too - I'll never be able to play it.

A picture postcard - features those ugly tenements that they are planning to blow up in Glasgow for the games. Since I knew he lived in a block of flats, I think I was planning to use them as research on how to break into his flat. The mind boggles.

Ocean of Tears, from Alice in Wonderland. A rather horrible song, from some twee, dreadful version of the Disney film. Think I clicked on this by accident - I am sure I was looking for ocean, flags, pirate.

2 pirate Flags. Obviously this would be necessary - the Grand Plan clearly required it - but at this point I had got eBay stuck on sending me two of everything. Still no idea how?!

x2 Dr Who novels. It was called 'rags', and its series-obsessive crap. If you want to know more, it seems that the entire plot is available for free on its wikipedia entry. So: a really, really great buy, oh yes.

x2 Airfix ferryboats. A pirate needs his boat, thus quite vital to the Grand Plan. By this point I can conclude that I was so far gone I lacked functioning eyeballs, though to be fair, they don't look that un-piractical. The Pirates Ferryboats of the Poole Harbour - maybe I can get Jerry Buckheimer interested.

x2 Scimitars. Pirate needs his scimitar, of course. Apparently he also needs real fancy metal ones - two of them - for a terrifying amount of money. They're bloody lethal looking, and I literally gibbered when these showed up.

x2 pirate scarves - pirates being widely known for their scarves, of course. I'm not sure how making a tightly striped black & white scarf makes it 'pirate', but that’s what the description says, and apparently eBay was designed with drunken tools like me in mind.
(IChewCandlewax, Tue 15 Apr 2014, 17:39, 6 replies)

A Car...
... yes, a car! I woke up to find I'd instagramed a video of me singing 'Dust in the Wind' very, very poorly and a load of notifications from eBay telling me my bid was close to ending and finally one saying my bid had won.

Clicking on the link resulted in a Jaguar XJR staring back at me...

I've still no knowledge of buying it...

It worked well... for a while... Knackered now :(
(JediHomer Weebles wobble, some fall down, Tue 15 Apr 2014, 13:03, 4 replies)

Maybe I was the seller...?
I once sold an RAF immersion suit on eBay. The buyer was in Portugal, and he ended up paying about as much in postage as he did for the item.

So I was rather surprised when it came back, some weeks later, marked "unable to deliver". I emailed the buyer; he didn't give any coherent explanation, but said he'd send the postage a second time.

I never heard from him again. The suit is still in the box waiting to be sent. Or sold again.
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Tue 15 Apr 2014, 12:38, Reply)

Liza Minelli - Results.

( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Tue 15 Apr 2014, 11:43, Reply)

A geiger counter
To be fair, it wasn't expensive and I've always wanted one.

So far I have used it to confirm that there's more background radiation in Devon than there is in Sussex.

And that's all. So not really a useful purchase.
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Tue 15 Apr 2014, 10:47, 6 replies)

Have they got to the bit where the frog boy kills the cripple kid yet?

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 15 Apr 2014, 8:27, 10 replies)

Spy cam
I bought a spy cam from E-bay.
But we were living in an evacuation apartment at the time (because of water-damage), so I only knew about it when we moved back and I had one notification that it arrived at my postal-office with a slip to go get it. And then another notification that due to me not getting it they sent it back.

I have no idea why I wanted a spy-cam but it got me thinking about it and now I kinda want one.
(DukeBrazi, Tue 15 Apr 2014, 2:54, 4 replies)

REpost
I bought a full size bear suit
One friday I decided it would be a great idea to try and drink my weight in cheap cask wine.
Sadly I failed and only drunk half of the required five litres, but oon the plus side i woke up the next day wondering what the hell I had been up to the night before. A quick check of my computer history tells me I was in ebay. It seems I had bought a full size mascot quality bear suit.

Why? Who the fuck knows?

Moral of the story?

Dont mix large amounts of cheap wine with the internet and credit cards.
( jakedamusss I understand, and dont care., Tue 15 Apr 2014, 2:42, 9 replies)

I got drunk in Leeds last night, went to the pub that used to be my local and bought shitloads of beers for bands I'd never heard of before.
It was LOVELY.
The bands were pretty good too. I can only remember two names so I'm going to spam them here anyway. BEDFORD FALLS and THE FAILURES' UNION.
Oh yeah, I bought CDs off of them too.
:D
WHICH MEANS THIS STORY FUCKING COUNTS!
;p
( stuj (^(^;;^)^) GO TEAM SPIDERS!(^(^;;^)^), Tue 15 Apr 2014, 2:34, 19 replies)

Apple servers.
Broken student, drinking boxed wine and eating ramen. Woke up with a call from apple: "sir, your credit card has been refused".

"Who is that?"
"It's Apple, sir. Regarding the order you made 4 hours ago". That was like 9am., so you can see when it happened.
"Hang on"

I checked my email. Turns out I bought during the night:
Five apple servers (they don't do those anymore) fully equipped;
Seven wireless printers;
Pretty much every server software they used to sell by then, and...
A webcam. A god damn cheap webcam from Logitech or whatever crap they sold at their website.
Total cost: 80 THOUSAND EUROS. My credit card would probably max out at 300, if that much. I'm glad for that.
(surak, Mon 14 Apr 2014, 21:47, 5 replies)

Of Mice and Men by John Steinbeck
One day a spastic strangled some animals. Then he accidentally monged a person to death. His friend Lieutenant Dan shoots him out of pity.

The end.
(Andrew Avetoom, Mon 14 Apr 2014, 20:03, 16 replies)

Look, can we all just bully Dr. Shambolic instead?

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Mon 14 Apr 2014, 18:09, 18 replies)

E's
..when I was already off my tits. During a rather hazy period in the 90's I would go out, get off my head and buy a couple of spares for next time. Then i'd come home and put them somewhere "safe" (ie fuck knows where). For years afterwards I would open a box or a drawer and find drugs. It made life interesting, if a tad precarious.
(zebideedoodah likes florence but prefers venice, Mon 14 Apr 2014, 13:24, 29 replies)

Guess iv done it again this week,
Had my brother over on Saturday night, and seeing as we like to drink A LOT of scotch, im guessing for some reason we thought it would be a good idea to go on Ebay,
Just had a look on my purchase history, and for some reason better known to my drunken self i seem to have purchased a Lego Technic skip lorry! Used with no box, may not be complete! So its fucking useless then!
(Mr Angry Is a totally miserable twat., Mon 14 Apr 2014, 10:40, 5 replies)

Slabs
Mrs Strump wanted the broken slabs at the side of our house replacing with some 3 x 2 concrete ones. We needed 3.

Not paying the £9 each delivered from our local place, I venture onto ebay after a Saturday afternoon session and proceed to buy the slabs at £4.20 each, with free delivery. Aye aye, result.

The reason they were £4.20 each was that I had purchased the minimum of 30. They arrived, and 2 years later I still have about 13 left in my garage. £6 each, buyer collects.
(Strump striving for imperfection since, Sun 13 Apr 2014, 18:50, 8 replies)

The distance selling act.
This allows you to return items, with no reason, purchased from any business online within ten days.
(Unless they don't mention this, in which case it's 6 months).

If they don't specifically state that you pay for returns, they must.
www.which.co.uk/consumer-rights/regulation/distance-selling-regulations
(speedevil, Sun 13 Apr 2014, 17:29, 5 replies)