phonebox heights
Walking back from a club one night completely trashed I decided it would be a brilliant idea to go over the top of a public phonebox, rather than around. Turns out they're actually pretty high when you finally get ontop.

Jumping down the other side I smashed my heel bone & couldn't walk properly for months!
(Miss_Blue, Thu 27 Dec 2007, 10:27, 1 reply)

giving birth
suggest to my wife at 4 this morning that was it ok if i went back to sleep, this was just after she told me that her waters have broken, to which i replied, 'first babies take ages is it ok if i go back to sleep'

still no baby yet.. . . . . .
(norcomark CNUT abbreviation for CANUTE, Thu 27 Dec 2007, 9:57, 5 replies)

Dicing onions...
... with a newly sharpened kitchen knife. Had even tested it on a piece of paper to prove just how sharp the the thing was...!

I didn't cry when I was peeling the onions.
I didn't cry when I was chopping the onions.
I wasn't crying when wiping the onions off the knife face by drawing the blade between thumb and forefinger.
And still I only winced a little when for some inexplicable reason I twisted the knife and cut deep to the bone on my forefinger.
My eyes didn't even tear up when I saw the blood pissing from the deep wound.

But I cried like a blouse-wearing lady-boy when the onion juice seeped into the cut, burning like being anally raped by an inside-out giant habanero chili.

And you would too. You know it.
(Sir Jester, Thu 27 Dec 2007, 2:11, 2 replies)

a girl called sarah
is my girlfriend and she is HOT and AWESOME.

...hold on that's not dumb.

i ROCK!
:D
(quibble, Thu 27 Dec 2007, 1:53, 4 replies)

oh yeah...
and there was that time me and my little brother took a can of petrol and set fire to stuff.

pour it down a rabbit hole and the oxygen consumed by the flames makes a popping noise.
great fun.
pour it onto a slow-flowing river and marvel at the river of burning doom you create when you drop that match.

only problem was my brother wasn't entirely 'well clear' and may, or may not have, singed off his eyelashes.


and i would have gotten away with the adrenalin-fueled excitement if the fucker hadn't told on me.
grrr.
(quibble, Thu 27 Dec 2007, 1:50, Reply)

LOGIK's stories reminded me
of these two (how i forgot i dont know):

* filling up the car with petrol for the first time (ever). for some reason they dont teach this kind of thing when you're learning to drive - i reckon they assume it's so easy no one needs teaching. i didn't put the nozzle all the way in, just stuck it in the hole and squeezed. a delightful backwash of petrol shot out of the car and soaked my jacket, which was a relatively heavy combat jacket, just the type to hold that petrol smell ... it reeked for days.

* Gold D of E exped 2005, holding a fence gate open for the rest of my group, and BAM! i got electrocuted. seriously, who electrocutes a fence on the top of a hill in the middle of nowhere with no animals for miles?
(zenmeban thinks the weather could be better, Thu 27 Dec 2007, 1:20, Reply)

Repost - but VERY stoopid.
Painful and FUCKIN STOOPID
Decided to have a vasectomy a few years back. So there I am, lay on me back, meat and veg on display and the Dr. injects BOTH MY BALLS and the pubic region above the winkle. That fuckin hurt like you would NOT believe. Anyhoo, after a few minutes the anaesthetic has kicked in, Dr's cutting (no pain) but I can feel a vague pulling. I mention this and Dr. says "Where ?". Not thinking properly, I move my hands down trying to hold them over the discomfort. Unfortunately, I stuck my sweaty hands ONTO the sterile cloth and nearly stuck my fingers INTO my scrote ! Looks of panic from Dr and nurses (but I luckily avoided an infection).
On the plus side I got a few days of work and got to wank myself stupid for the next few weeks !
(Oh yes, the smell of burning flesh as they cauterise your tubes is pretty disturbing too)
(kitescreech still here, Wed 26 Dec 2007, 23:11, 4 replies)

Pissing
Standard Friday night. Went out to a party and got drunk on about a litre of Jack Daniels. Three of us went to this party, one of them i knew called Spunker, the other was someone i had met a few times prior but never really gotten to know, for the sake of this story, he was called Chris, for that was his name. Anywhos, fast forward to about 1am i decided to walk back with my mate James who joined this "party" quite late, we ended up walking out and down the road, shouting and puking our guts up whilst being shouted out by some fuckin council estate single mother scum. Got to a kebab shop, brought food and got home to eat, i was sitting on the sofa eating and i noticed i was somewhat alone. I finished what i was eating and marched upstairs to find that James had crashed out and unresponsive. I was leaning up with my head against a wall and decided to take a piss....with my jeans on...outside Chris's room.... Now at this time, i was very tired, and instead of changing my jeans, i decided to sleep in Chris's bed. Fast asleep now and then got woken up to Chris shouting at me "OI GET THE FUCK OUTTA MY BED!!!" so slugglishly, i got out and crashed on the sofa...walking down the stairs, i realised my jeans were still on and still very wet...fuck! oh well, better not say anything. I changed my jeans and slept on the sofa. Waking up the next morning and Chris came down the stairs complaining about how much he was sweating that night! He still doesnt know!!

Length: it was about 45 seconds
(DeadManInc, Wed 26 Dec 2007, 22:20, Reply)

I gave up my well paid job in web design, packed my bags and went to London...
... in 2001.

when more than enough people in that area would lose their job just like that.

took a few months to find any job - let alone design related - 9/11 didn't help either - and years to get back on track salary-wise.
( bierbelly, Wed 26 Dec 2007, 22:16, Reply)

XBox Mod
About a year or so ago I was putting an XBox back together in front of the TV. I was kneeling over the XBox trying to seat the hard drive when I managed to wedge the HD into the power XBox power supply which was still connected to the mains. I then got 240 volts through both hands that were holding the HD though both arms and through my knees into the carpet. This lasted for what seemed like 5 days but was probably only 5 seconds. I moved slightly and the HD no longer touched the power supply and I was free.

I then sat back and cried a little.

Electricity hurts.
(SillyMoo, Wed 26 Dec 2007, 21:40, 1 reply)

Shocking bathroom
When I was a kid of about 12 I went up the stairs at home to use the toilet. In the bathroom I couldnt find the cord to turn on the light, it was common for the cord to snap leaving a short length near the ceiling. No problem thought I, I will simply stand on the side of the bath and reach up to turn on the light which I did but my hand grasped the two 240 volt wires that my father had left hanging out of the ceiling whilst he repaired the switch. Cue me getting a rather nasty shock of a whopping 240 volts...

Didnt put me off having a slash though, I was busting...

So not my stupidity, something stupid that my Dad did.

I think I got off rather lightly.
(SillyMoo, Wed 26 Dec 2007, 21:34, Reply)

dont get me started
pretty please do not!
(Patfish, Wed 26 Dec 2007, 21:25, 1 reply)

Dumbest thing i ever done?
was pull someone away from a three phase distribution board when they nearly killed themsef reviewing it i would have let that cnut learn why darwin is king. my bad?
(Patfish, Wed 26 Dec 2007, 21:19, 3 replies)

I was working one day
and I though, as one does, that it would be a good idea to put a CD in my computer and put on headphones as I was chugging along with AutoCAD to make the day go faster.

I found out that doing engineering work while listening to Frank Zappa doesn't make the afternoon pass faster, it just makes the day very weird.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Wed 26 Dec 2007, 21:10, Reply)

Shocking phonecall
Many moons ago when I was approx 17 years of age I had a phone that I had "repaired" myself. This meant that I had two wires hanging out of the bottom of the handset that were directly connected to approx ~50 volts DC. Whilst making a phonecall I had taken to absent mindedly chewing one of these wires (Hey I was just a kid, I dont know why!)... You can see where this is going can't you? I put the second wire in my mouth and BANG!... Blackened teeth and mouth.

And thats how I electrocuted myself in my mouth. Not recommended.
(SillyMoo, Wed 26 Dec 2007, 21:08, 1 reply)

thought It would be fun
Did E once.
It caused a blood clot in my vena cava (drains blood from legs back up to heart).
Broke all the non-return valves in my legs so I got to wear ultra-non-sexy stockings now. Also I have all veiny bits all over my naked body, so I dont like getting naked. Hence, I dont like sex with other people all so very much. Also I got to take pills to stop it happening again, how ironic. Gruds are bad, K?

Funny one? Ahh, Ok, if you insist. Once I thought it'd be fun to sort of boost through a door by putting my foot on the wall in front of the door, and like, megajump through the door frame, but my head sort of smashed into the top of the door frame. This was in work in a busy city restaurant... anyway, I got back on the restaurant floor and simultaneously, waitresses' faces dropped when they saw me, and i felt moisture on my face... much bleedy bleedy
(Snake (on a) Crane FKA thwack, Wed 26 Dec 2007, 20:29, 1 reply)

i heard a story... not sure if it's true...
apparantly, a moped enthusiast refused to wear the visor on his helmet, as he had the impression he looked cooler without it. while this may be true, he obviously had not thought about the consequences of his actions. sure enough, he was riding along, and became involved in a head on collision with a fly. the rider's eyeball completely destroyed the fly, and in return only suffered swelling, thus reducing his vision by 50%. this injury caused the rider to require an eyepatch. however, the story does not end here. despite the rider's depth perception being seriously compromised, he again went out on his bike, and again refused to wear his helmet, despite his previous accident. and, if only to prove that god does exist and he's an evil bastard with a wicked sense of irony, the rider was again involved in a collision with a fly, this time... yes, you guessed it, in the other eye. and to rub salt into the wounds, the resulting accident caused not only the remaining 50% of his vision to be negated, but a broken collar bone for good measure.

he now wears his visor whenever he is riding.
(tugger blah fucking blah, Wed 26 Dec 2007, 19:35, 2 replies)

Petrol
Not so long ago I managed to run out of petrol just a hundred yards or so from the nearest garage. I purchased a brand new jerry can and put 4 quid in it and returned to my car. As I was filling the car from the can I must not have attatched the filler nozzle properly as the can detached from the nozzle and the jerry can slipped from my hands and dropped to the floor. As I looked on open mouthed the can dropped to the floor square on and a the impact sent a jet of petrol straight up from the can directly into my mouth. Cue lots of spitting and swearing. Petrol does not taste very nice at all.
(SillyMoo, Wed 26 Dec 2007, 19:31, 2 replies)

recently...
i had a little ball bearing that i found and was playing with (yes, i'm easily amused), and i wanted to see how well it would bounce off the kitchen floor, so i dropped it, and looked down at it... it bounced right back in my eye. i stood there stunned for around 10 seconds, then thought to myself thought "what the fuck am i doing?" before sitting down for another spliff.
(tugger blah fucking blah, Wed 26 Dec 2007, 19:19, 1 reply)

i dumped my girlfriend about a month or so ago
christmas is lonely, real lonely.
(jangaaaal shes lost control..., Wed 26 Dec 2007, 18:48, Reply)

Electric arse shocks - Boxing Day 2007...
...I asked my daughter if she wanted to try out my Lightning Reaction game I got for Xmas. It's one of those things where each player holds a hand held grip. As soon as the red light turns green, you press the red trigger button as quickly as possible. If you're the slowest player, you get rewarded with a painful electric shock.

She's only nine years old so I set it on the lowest/soft shock setting. Or so I thought at the time.

Naturally being a kind and doting dad I had to let her win.
Not.
She shrieked and started crying after being defibrillated by her apparently loving dad. She told me it's only funny when it happens to someone else.
I had to explain she was 'someone else' and tried to stifle my laughter between pangs of guilt.

I felt awful and had to let her have her revenge which comprised of me placing the hand held grip up between my arse cheeks and letting her zap me at full voltage.
Ha! It didn't work but I pretended to feel it to make her feel better...until about 2 seconds later when my sweaty bum crack suddenly felt as if had just been invaded by 20,000 volts. Jesus...

She thought it was hilarious which was all that mattered really.
Happy Holidays all.
(emadex thinks the world will end on, Wed 26 Dec 2007, 13:55, 4 replies)

I've posted my wallet into a letterbox,
thinking it was an envelope.
Lot of red tape to retrieve it, I felt a bit of a knob so said to the postie "i suppose this happens a lot" jokingly.

He looked at me for a few seconds then said "no, not really."

Exit bearpookie, feeling the total dickhead.
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Wed 26 Dec 2007, 13:55, 2 replies)

Touching an electric fence to see if it was on
That, by itself, isn't too bad. If the ground is dry or if the fence is short-circuiting due to overgrown grass, you only feel a slight tingle.
(If you want to be really cautious, you can touch it with a long piece of spit-moistened grass.)

The problem? I couldn't reach the fence because it was in another field. So I leant over, my chest pressed firmly against a metal gate, and gave it an experimental touch...
(Dusty Pigeon, Wed 26 Dec 2007, 12:26, Reply)

During the craze of 01...
I swapped my Dark Dragonite for a Nine Tails.
(NobbyG, Wed 26 Dec 2007, 12:17, 1 reply)

yeah its a good idea.
.......yes you can shoot me with that applicator tampon , (said to my freind with an 80lbs snap draw cross bow) ...it wont hurt he said , it did! left a welf.

set fire to my jeans and burnt my leg , thought that was a great idea.
oh and many mor , but it would be stupid of me to tell all!
(fpk, Wed 26 Dec 2007, 10:36, Reply)

Model Air Crash
My uncle flies model aircraft, and he let me have a go at it once. He instructed me to flip the thing upside-down, and I neglected to invert my control orientation accordingly. Quite a disheartening crunch.
(overfloater, Wed 26 Dec 2007, 3:41, Reply)

imagine this
skipping through your farm-house garden in zen-like
wonder of the world around you.
the birds are singing, the trees are swaying
in the gentle summer breeze, bees are probably
buzzing in their little bee hives, but since
the fuckers stung you that time you threw rocks at them for a laugh you arent talking to
them no more... where was i?
oh yes
so you're skipping along, humming a merry little tune in your idyllic little mind, you turn left and what do you see?

thats right
your parents at it in the swimming pool.

needless to say you skip backwards like you never have before, and the mental scarring begins.


what makes this worse, is that in general supper table chit-chat your father makes this comment (which i dont think even had relavance to the topic)
*wink at my mother* 'oh hoh hee haw a la piscine.'
DAMN YOU GCSE FRENCH!
i shuddered myself to sleep that night.


what makes this dumb of course is i tell this story a whole Lot more than i should.
not that i have anything against parental relations, i'm glad they're still happy, but ew.
theres some things i just really didnt need to remind myself of. again...
(quibble, Wed 26 Dec 2007, 1:35, 4 replies)