Laugh? I nearly shat
On page 18 I read a story by ousgg and thought - I'll add a witty riposte to that. So I did and it vanished into the void never to be seen again. Damaged my self esteem on that one and you'll never know what a wit I am so there.
(The Jannie, Fri 28 Dec 2007, 17:47, 2 replies)

Door Entry Phone
Not me, but a friend...

(no seriously - NOT me).. was seeing a rather attractive young lady behind his wife's back. Everyone at work knew what he was up to, so God only knows how it took so long for his wife to find out, but anyway...

..He would pop around to her flat at the end of the day and by all accounts, they would be at it as soon as he was through her door. Only problem was she hadn't hung up the handset of her entry phone so everyone walking past her block heard everything...

Not the way to hide an illicit affair.
( HSDriver was probably still at work on, Fri 28 Dec 2007, 17:33, Reply)

Potential Brain Damage
Ah yes. This takes me back.

I was a lad of 12, and my days consisted of touring my meagre little town at the helm of my brand spanking new 15 speed mountain bike, in new money that basically meant I was the dogs bollocks.

Whilst merrily biking about looking for ladies to marvel at how cool I was I happened upon a group of what we call around these parts "knacker drinkers" (14 year olds who partake in cider and smoking and other illicit activities). Obviously this meant I had to show how cool I was. I stood up on my bike, put all my weight on the pedals, changed gears and I was away at ludicrous speed. It was then I remembered the fact that my jumper was tied around my waist. This is one of the last things I remembered.

Basically the jumper managed to jam itself into the spokes, turning the bike into a very primitive (but cool) catapult which resulted in my head being mushed into the concrete at a great speed. Aforementioned knacker drinkers in their drunken state, picked me up and sent me on my merry way with a stream of blood leaking from my skull.

I eventually managed to get home (I had to cycle down the main street in our town) and my parents immediately bundled me to the hospital. Several x-rays later and I was duly informed that I had a bad concussion, just relax and try not to fall asleep for a while.

2 days later those fucking retards rang back to say that I had cracked my skull and to do absolutely nothing for quite some time.

You'd think that's the end of it wouldn't you?

Ha!

2 months later my friend invites me to his grandmothers house in Mayo (I'm Irish you see) and I accept. Little realising it's one of the most stultifyingly boring places on earth. Unless I was good at pool and willing to walk the 11 km to the nearest pool table we had to make our own fun. And make it we did.

Ever heard of Blind Man's Bluff? I'm sure it has several names but the basic premise is one player blindfolds himself (we used bandages so that there was no hope of peeking) and then this person has to find the other people. This was all well and good but the house was small so we were regularly shouted at. "Outside!" prompts friend, "Huzzah!" proclaims blind, retarded me.

So we went to the driveway, and he craftily moves around to disorientate me. The driveway was long, and sloped viciously to the left. I lost my footing and started to desperately stay upright by spinning around hopping on 1 foot. I nearly managed to stay up but there's one structural flaw to this driveway. At the end ot it is a wall, no more than a foot high. On the other side of this wall is a drop no less than 5 feet high. Yep I collided with this and literally went head over heels, landing on the exact same spot as the first part of this story. Another concussion and now I seem to have a lovely collection of serious head injury cards (bottled a few years later, exact same spot.)

And yes I lost the game. Bastard.

I apologise for nothing!
(fannymcslap Slap my mcfanny, Fri 28 Dec 2007, 15:15, Reply)

a few Bonfire Night's ago
Me, family and friends were all around (let me get this right..) my dads friends mams house for a party, get together thing.

it was getting late, but not to late for everyone to leave. A person there worked at a Bells Stores, and they got these fireworks in, which they werent aloud to sell, she asked if she could take them and they said "yes".

the fireworks, were like little banger things, without the fuse to light. You littraly had 2-3 seconds to light the end and throw it.

And because we are all so clever...

We got a cardboard box which some other fireworks had been in, some tissue and newspaper, the bangers and any other crappy fireworks we had left, and made a firework bangythingy stew.

My dad set fire to the paper and box, and after a few minuits, nothing happend ( one thing we did right was not go back to the fucker !!!)
it sounded like a war had started, bangers jumping out of the box, them shit sprinkler ones were colours shoot out going everywere .

we had to stand a good 10 metres away, for about half an hour.
it would have fucked us up.
(iamdean!x, Fri 28 Dec 2007, 14:16, Reply)

Not so much dumb as help me I'm turning into my mother.
I've just ironed a duvet cover because I've got guests coming round.

Beware of getting old - I'll be ironing my teatowels next.
( girlinthehole, Fri 28 Dec 2007, 14:04, 8 replies)

I'm sat in birmingham airport.
I've just spent a fiver to chat bollocks with the likes of you.
( Slippery Mick ‏, Fri 28 Dec 2007, 13:09, 9 replies)

I've just thought of another one
Many moons ago (about 7 years ago) I was 16, and drank in the same fevered way that most 16 year olds do. Which meant I didn't care what it was I was drinking, as long as it had alcohol in it and I could get more if neccessary.

One night I toddled in from the local dingy bar, having quaffed my way through enough vodka to upend a small wrestler, or four of the new and improved, lightweight me.

I somehow made it to bed, and fell asleep (after noticing for the bazillionth time that my bed appeared to have turned into a small dinghy on the ocean wave) as we all have done, clad entirely in PVC, boots still on on top of the duvet.

'YOU ARE THIRSTY,' says my brain. I wake up.

'YOU ARE VERY THIRSTY AND IT CAN'T WAIT TILL MORNING, BUT FEAR YE NOT, THERE'S WATER TO YOUR LEFT ON THE BEDSIDE CABINET' says brain now I'm awake and can be spoken to by myself in coherent sentences- so I do what I'm told, and I grab a bottle, spin off the lid and take a niiiiiice big swig.

That's not right.


I'm not proud of this, but I leaned over the side of my bed and stuck my fingers down my throat- proceeding in vomiting as much of the substance as I could out onto my bedroom floor. God bless my mother, by the time I got up there was just a scrubbed wet patch of carpet and a post-it note with an angry face on it. I drank from the second bottle on the table, which thankfully DID turn out to be water, rolled over and went back to sleep.

This was the first (and by first I do NOT mean '....and last' for that would be clever) I drank almost a full bottle of nail varnish remover.
( Captain Wow currently being a cunt in Infamous, Fri 28 Dec 2007, 12:48, 1 reply)

Perhaps
The silliest thing I've ever done is moving to Oz to be with the girl I love.

I'm a Geordie. We thrive in the cold. Today it was 36c and I'm melting (no air-con). On Monday it says it'll be 41c. Oh shit. I'm fucked.

But, I'd rather melt than be without Mrs Legless.

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Fri 28 Dec 2007, 12:41, 8 replies)

JasperSinister/Mobile Phone = Unmixy things
To further compound my previous post, and establish my status as a 'Dumb Cunt' I will share with you this tale of unparalleled social cock-up.

A few years ago myself and a good friend of mine (he is a b3ta regular, and introduced me to this inspirational community **waves**) had a business as purveyors of exotic herbs (having recently become a father I should inform you, dear reader, that I no longer partake in such nefarious practices as the consumption and supply of illicit substances). Just a small operation it was, but we had a few regular clients. On one ocassion one of our more regular customers asked us to provide some of our product to a female acquaintance of his.

I knew her in passing and offered to drop off some small bags of hyrdoponic vegetation on my way home. I sent her a text message to announce my imminent arrival at the designated meeting place. The transaction went unhindered: small talk was made, a bong of green was smoked and I went on my merry way.

In my THC induced stupor I thought it would be funny to send my partner-in-crime a comedy text outlining the finer points of my recent interaction. The text read as such "XXXXX is gagging for it, but she smells like Chinese food". I chortled happily at my biting satirical genius and sent the text to my friend, who would no doubt be rolling on the floor, literally pissing himself and suffering hilarity induced seizures upon reading it. As the beneficiary of my textual wit was my best friend and business partner he was constantly the first name on my phones list of recent message recipients. But not this time. The last person I had sent a message to was, in actuality, the girl to whom I had just sold a small amount of weed. The girl who I had just written a completely hilarious message about, outlining her desire to copulate with me AND comparing her odour to that of an Asian takeaway. Shit biscuits.

And this is why JasperSinister and mobile phones make uneasy bedfellows.

Length? I don't think she was eager to find out
(JasperSinister is offering two tickets to the gun show, Fri 28 Dec 2007, 11:32, 3 replies)

I think the phrase i am looking for is....
O....K..... then........
( FlexAlux laughed at something inappropriate on, Fri 28 Dec 2007, 11:26, 2 replies)

I like Pie!
Common sense is, to me, a completely alien concept. The majority of my waking hours are spent losing car keys, forgetting to take my wallet to the supermarket or suffering a multitude of injuries through minor household accidents.

On ocassion, however, I do manage to surpass the high standards of ineptitude that I have consistently set for myself over the last 25 years of existing. For example: last week I left work for my half hour lunch break, and drove to meet my fiancee at her parents house brimming with anticipation of what tasty treats I may be about to receive. "Fantastic!" thinks I "A hot scotch pie with baked beans!" And so I sit down and begin to ravenously devour my pie (snigger). But to describe this pie as merely 'hot' would be somewhat of an understatement. For my pastry and mince composition had been sitting under a grill for roughly half an hour, and had undergone a thermogenic reaction that had rendered it 'REALLY FUCKING HOT'. So with gritted teeth it was that I began to eat this piping delight, taking only the smallest morsels in an attempt to lessen the fiery discomfort. I managed to consume the majority, but upon scooping the last forkful into my mouth I was severly scalded. "Ow fuck!, thats too hot to chew" thinks I. So I attempted to swallow a piece of burning meat shrouded in pastry, which was roughly the size of a hens egg, in one go. It got stuck. In my throat. Not wanting to reveal my embarassing pie/throat dichotomy I mumbled a farewell to my infant son, my fiancee and her parents and made my way back to work.

I tried several glasses of water and cups of tea to wash the offending pie slab out of my gullet but it was to no avail: I had to consult one of the First Aid practitioners who offer assistance in situations such as the consumption of searing baked goods. Their advice was inspiring: "Well its made of pastry so it should soften up and slide down, but if its been in there for more than 20 minutes we need to call an ambulance" Not wanting to draw any more attention to the situation I opted to drive myself over to Accident & Emergency.

I casually approached the reception: "I'm hoping you can help me, my windpipe is obstructed and I have been advised to seek medial assitance". The receptionist enquired in her kindest voice "What is it that is causing this obstruction?" I replied: "Um.....well its a large bit of scotch pie" Her attempts at stifling her laughter were duly noted, and appreciated. Within minutes a very helpful nurse approached me, I explained the situation and her reponse was thus: "You should try washing it down with Coca-Cola, as it relaxes the gullet and the.....'obstruction'.......should slide down". So I drank some of the afore mentioned beverage, she gently massaged my neck and to my great relief, the irritant in my throat descended, unhindered, into my stomach.

So take heed, b3tans: always make sure your food is at an appropriate eating temperature; always chew it thoroughly before attempting to swallow it and if you are dumb enough to get something lodged in your throat the disoldging process will be aided by coke and a massage!

(Insert joke about undergoing a 'dislodging process' while enjoying 'coke and a massage' on a previous, unrelated ocassion)



Apologies for length: it must have been about four inches down my throat (insert generic fellatio joke)
(JasperSinister is offering two tickets to the gun show, Fri 28 Dec 2007, 11:01, 6 replies)

Dumb thing I did was
deciding that it would be a good idea to return to uni a full two weeks before anyone else, and having been back a day, I'm already talking to my shower curtain. Help :(
(Dovvit bee, Fri 28 Dec 2007, 10:46, 6 replies)

When I was a young lad...
...I had a toy tank which would fire matchsticks by means of a spring-loaded piston inside the gun barrel.

Firing lit matches around the room? Oh no, not me. No, I just decided to see what what happen if I stuck it up my nose and fired it.

Luckily, I didn't try it with a match, as I think it would have pierced my brain... instead, I just got a nosebleed and had to explain to my mum why only one nostril was bleeding.


Length? About 3 inches, but only about half an inch went up my nose...
(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Fri 28 Dec 2007, 10:38, 4 replies)

Eeeeh, when I were a lad...
I must have been about six when this happened, but I was at the local playpark, the one with all the amazing slides and roundabouts and such, and it had a climbing frame there, which was essentially a long ladder bent over into a semi-circular shape.

I figured this would be a great time to do a Spiderman impression, and climb all the way across it on the underneath.

I was not a youth blessed with a great deal of finesse and dexterity.

After plummeting a huge distance (maybe a WHOLE meter) I managed to land on a safety mat...and somehow broke my arm.

Whoops.

I also managed to crawl under a truck a couple of years beforehand, and end up with a lovely set of four stitches in the back of my head (the second of three sets).
(LordMatthius http://www.justgiving.com/marathon-matt2009, Fri 28 Dec 2007, 9:43, 2 replies)

At least four b3tans can attest to this
I went to my first and only b3ta meet so far, earlier this year, in the beautiful, snot blackening, majestic place that is our fair capital, London. It was at the Imperial.

To cut a long story short- I went out to the cashpoint to get some money to buy bevvies for all my newfound e-pals, and on the way back I decided to pop into a typical tourist shop selling I Love London stuff and buy a few presents. Because of this I have a London ashtray, Dixon_Bawls has some London Underground boxers and mictoboy has (or may not anymore, you'd have to ask him) a lovely London condom.

HOWEVER that's not the stupidity. Oh no- buying people you hardly know novelty condoms pales in comparison. When paying for the booty, I dropped the rest of my hard earned cash onto the floor. About £65.

Got to the pub, went to go and buy a beer.....



Shit.



Bless his heart- GodSaveTheQueen (rather apt, I thought) came with me to try and reclaim my pounds but alas, they were not to be found.

Apologies for length, associated girth, and to all the poor b3tans who had to buy my pints that evening.
( Captain Wow currently being a cunt in Infamous, Fri 28 Dec 2007, 9:38, 5 replies)

Maybe the dumbest think ive done but got away with!
One day me and my best mate jim decided to skank of school cause it wasa really nice day and anyway it was only geography and pe lol! so we went to the shop to by some Vodka but the shopkeeper new jims Brother and didnt serve us so we waited round the corner and these 2 older boys from the colledge came and helped us. They said that they were going to the woods to smoke some pot so we said wth! Okay!

When we got there their we met these 2 other girls and we started smoking and drinking and got pretty mashed up man the two boys mike and snake got bored and left but we stayed and were messing about with the two girls. Jim kept on throwing leafs about and stuffing them in the girls shirts, thene we started drink some other stuff and playing truth or dare. I got dared to kiss the blonde one I can’t remember her name so i did and we went behind some trees then she grabbed my hand and started pushing it up her shirt and I was like woah! Jim tried to kiss the other girl but she was having non of it. Then we got down on the floor and strated to unbutton each other’s pants and she was whispering stop but she was getting well horney and then she started shouting and wriggling and her friend came but jim pulled her back and she hit ihim then hit her and she ran off and I was fucking the blonde girl first time man and she was all crying and shit which was really hot anyway LOL! and then jim came and had a go to and she loved it. Then afterwards she ran off and said she would tell her brother and the police but I don’t think she did, but I think she was a slut anyway cause my cock went all red 2 days later and ben at school said he’d fucked her in the woods too and got nob rot. I nearly had to go to the doctors but it cleared up

length? she was loving mine better than jims
(Youlotfeckingsuck, Fri 28 Dec 2007, 9:26, 29 replies)

cross fire
Remember the old crossfire game with all the table and the neat commercial that made you want it all the more?
Well...
tonight, we decided it would be a good idea to play crossfire... with billiard balls.
After the cue ball flew off the table for the third time we stopped.
Oddly enough it wasn't the hitting each others fingers with billiard balls that was the problem but rather the fact that we might destroy someone's house...

length? more distance... and two to three feet past the table.
height? .5 - 1 foot in the air.
(fisherOfApples123 -=destroyer of toilets=-, Fri 28 Dec 2007, 7:14, Reply)

The 59th Street Bridge, NY, NY
I dont know that it HAS an address, but one night, in a post-Madison Garden fight night drunkeness, I was in a limo heading out of the city to Long Island to pick up my car and drive BACK into the city. I guess I figured the limo ride would sober me up...boy did it!

My Boss at the time was a Ray Liotta/Goodfella wannabe and he was riding in the first limo. In my drunken state, I got into the second limo, but rode up front with the driver. Dont ask why, I have no excuse...other than I was absolutely pissed.

After ANYthing lets out at The Garden, the traffic is INSANE and we are jumbled in that traffic and I notice my Boss, the Ray Liotta wannabe is out of the limo screaming at someone in another car. Being the loyal employee, I jump out ('fall out' is probably the more appropriate term) of the limo and go to back him up.

At that three of the largest people I have ever seen got out of this sub-compact car and started moving menacingly towards my Boss and I. I am in a suit and tie and decide: put your hands in your pockets to be as non-threatening as possible because, frankly, I can fight, but not THAT night.

The largest of the three begins asking "Whose da tough guy?! HUH?! Whose da tough guy?!" I shrug my shoulders in one of those "not me" kind of ways and he hauls off and NAILS me right on my lower jaw.

My left front lower canine tooth neatly pierced my lower lip.

About 4 seconds later I realized I had just been hit.

This was not the stupid or dumb bit.

The dumb bit was after one of my co-workers forcibly dragged me back to the limo, I saw that the shouting wasnt over and broke free, only to return and get hit by the same guy, but this time, right on the cheek.

From that point on, I let the Ray Liotta wannabe punk fight his own fights and watched from a safe distance.
( Citadel Because the world needs less morons, Fri 28 Dec 2007, 6:05, Reply)

The Rescue Diving course
I went diving in November, with no hood, gloves, and in a wetsuit.... It was cold.
(Maccy Divided by 0 on, Fri 28 Dec 2007, 3:24, 1 reply)

Since iv been in
Sunderland University,(its pretty stupid) me and some friends have created a game with a space hopper, its pretty much kicking it about our lounge and you get points for knocking things down, meaning iv had many hits to the face, testicals,etc and also repaying the favour to fellow players, and broken a few glasses, not owned by me.
i also got really drunk and started throwing somone elses stuff out who lives in my block, because me never see her :)
(iamdean!x, Fri 28 Dec 2007, 2:54, 6 replies)

Dumb things I've done?
I've bumraped a mute, but he didn't seem to think it was anything worth shouting about.
( wotofco pissing in your swimming pool, Fri 28 Dec 2007, 2:28, 1 reply)

transexual theme night.............
Most people would think that actually going would be enough to qualify but.....

It was cumming to the end of the semester and we were all kinda broke, so we decided to dress up as sperm, with condoms safty pinned to our all in 1, white suits.

length: 1 night + alot of alcohol But wahoo i pulled!!!
(cherrylegs11, Fri 28 Dec 2007, 0:06, 6 replies)

An entertaining meeting, for once
I used to work freelance for a small computer software company, and was invited in for a status meeting on all the projects.

Most of us were poor students at the time, and the offices were not salubrious. These meetings were always pretty relaxed, and the chairs were a bit tatty, and we all sat down in our preferred positions, me sideways, one of the other guys with arms folded over the back of his chair.

About half way through, the chair back gave way. However, rather than pitching forward, he had been absent-mindedly pulling on the chair back, and being a bodybuilder, managed to smash himself squarely in the nose and fall over backwards.

Meeting adjourned due to smashed furniture, copious blood, and a trip to casualty.
( Amish Information Systems hates misplaced, commas, Thu 27 Dec 2007, 22:58, 1 reply)

Repost: Another Pyromaniac Chemical Adventure
When I was about 12, we went to visit one of my Dad's friends, who was a research chemist. He had loads of good surplus chemical stuff.

Bored with the purple smoke from magnesium shavings + iodine crystals, his son and I decided to try to make gun cotton. This didn't work and we just ended up with messy, glutinous, carbonized crap all covered in concentrated acid.

So, what to do with this stuff?

My friend came up with the obvious answer (I'm sure you have, too): make a standard sugar+nitrate mixture, add some magnesium shavings, stick the acid napalm on top, light it, put a tin can over the top (open end down) and stand on it. OK, says I. The parents are out shopping, let's do it. So he does.

Cue an hour of alternately trying to alleviate hot acid burns by dunking his face in a sink of cold water, and combing the burned clumps of hair out. Once the parents returned, this was inevitably followed by a trip to casualty, while my mum gives me the standard "How can you be so *stupid*" lecture at volume 11 for another full hour.

No permanent damage though, but it was bloody lucky he wore glasses.

Kids - think once. Think twice. Think don't deliberately stand on home-made fireworks made of concentrated sulphuric acid.
( Amish Information Systems hates misplaced, commas, Thu 27 Dec 2007, 22:50, 1 reply)