Just been reminded by other tales of hot item grabbery
A few weeks ago I managed to crash my motorbike (nothing too serious). After spending a good few hours drilling and carefully extracting a snapped bolt from the engine block I put in a new exhaust gasket and bolted the exhaust back in place.

Due to having tinkered with the bike a test-ride was in order; fired it up and it all seemed to work fine, took it all out for a ride and everything seemed fine apart from a bent brake lever.

Got it home and decided to make sure that the exhaust was still nice and secure. This is where my common sense lapsed- off came the nice thick, protective leather glove from the hand, which was then applied directly to the hottest part of the exhaust pipe right by the engine. For a split second I thought there was some movement, then I realised the give was in my fingers and was due to the skin melting.

Still have slightly shiny fingertips on my right hand but no severe burns.
(madsporkmurderer, Thu 3 Jan 2008, 20:39, 2 replies)

I went arse over tit tonight
whilst getting off my motorbike in my (rather slippery) back yard.

No damage to either me or the bike, but I felt like a fool.
(Half of Stephen Fry's right buttock Giggity giggity giggity, Thu 3 Jan 2008, 20:29, Reply)

Reminded by Devil_In_Tights
Christmas day, sat around the table after a surprisingly successful lunch all letting the huge pile of grub die down, out come the party poppers.

Wahey. One doesn't work though? The explosive just falls out onto the dinner plate.

Aha! I will pick it up and detonate it in between thumb and forefinger. Knowing it will hurt, i still went ahead with it, and my god. Yes it did hurt.


First post and all that.
(sjp., Thu 3 Jan 2008, 19:59, Reply)

Idiot 2...
I moved to Spain n then for some insane reason came back to England.....

I have since learnt the error of my ways and am leaving again on the 6th ..!! (",) Happy-ness all around...!!
(Fluent In Bentish ahhh how interesting..., Thu 3 Jan 2008, 19:10, Reply)

Maybe
if we all look away at the same time, (a watched pot never boils) when we look back there'll be a new QOTW?
(TheWeeWitch do I get a prize if I break it?, Thu 3 Jan 2008, 19:03, 3 replies)

Totally made up...
And with apologies to Viz. From their letters page...

I came home from work the other night and found the missus in the kitchen pouring a pan of freshly boiled spaghetti over her head.

"I'm just putting the dinner on", she quipped.

How we laughed on the way to the burns unit.

/Gone...
( Davros' Granddad Church of B3ta (QOTW denomination), Thu 3 Jan 2008, 18:29, 7 replies)

Making myself blind
I had some new contacts from the opticians. Each eye is a different prescription. They are daily disposibles and once they are in you cannot take them out to clean.

I put the packets in front of me and put them in. about two hours later i realised i may have put the wrong contacts in my eyes.

Another hour later, i realised i had gone blind in my left eye. That perhaps was the dumbest thing i had done.
( enigmatic_squid is hoping that karma is finally happening, Thu 3 Jan 2008, 17:51, 1 reply)

Electrickery revisited
My car is a bit damp inside, having had a leak from one of the rear windows. "Aha!", I thought, "I'll put the fan heater and the dehumidifier on in the car. That'll dry it out nicely..."

So I got the big long extension lead, ran it out to the car, got the fan heater and the dehumidifier, carried them out to the car, and started to set it all up.


Then my eyes lit upon my inverter (which lets you run mains stuff in the car) sitting on the seat. "Hmm. The inverter is 350 watts, the dehumidifier is 250 watts, I could run it off the inverter. No wait, that's stupid, it'll flatten the battery. Hey, I know, it would be great if I had a thing like an inverter but the other way round, so I could plug my car into the mains and charge up the... no, wait, that's a battery charger."

Length? 45 metres if you unroll the whole thing.
(gordonjcp, Thu 3 Jan 2008, 17:32, Reply)

Another vague recollection from out of nowhere...
As a kid, I spent the best part of an hour one bonfire night seeing just how hot I could make the end of a stick in a bonfire. It was a glowing red-hot ember before I got bored and decided to do something else... which turned out to be even more boring, so a couple of minutes later I resumed my previous task. But, being me, I picked up the stick by the wrong end. Doh! I vaguely remember the very slow realisation of what I'd done and the blisters lasting a long time, but little else.
(misanthrope is noobtastic, Thu 3 Jan 2008, 17:30, Reply)

not me - but the criminal underclass of burton on trent in an orgy of thievery.
"In another attack on a parked car, a vintage mobile phone was stolen from a people carrier parked in a Stretton street. Police said the Citroen Picasso was attacked while unlocked on a driveway in Lyndham Avenue between noon on Monday and 11.10am yesterday. Officers described the property stolen as a "15-year-old mobile phone", a black wallet and £2 in cash."

not sure whether the theft was the silliest thing, or the description of a brick as 'vintage'
(magictorch, Thu 3 Jan 2008, 17:10, 3 replies)

last night at the pub
a friend told me he'd found me passed out at the new year's party and propped me up against the bath tub.

i dont remember this.
(fakeplasticwateringcan, Thu 3 Jan 2008, 16:59, Reply)

Once
I licked a lightbulb when it was switched on.

I was 10, reading a book before going to bed, when I picked up the lamp (it was a clippy one that went just above my bed). I looked at it, like a child would stare into the sun in that curious way till it looks like a white pill in the sky (obviously done that too much too).

Then for some unknown reason I quickly and fluently took the biggest *lap* of it, right from the back of my tongue, to the front, like it was a melting ice cream. My tongue couldn't hack it. Screaming in obvious derision and the stupidity of my actions, I ran to the tap and posted myself to the cold water tap for the next 10 minutes.

As I fell asleep that night with mouth wide open, tongue protruded out, pool of saliva increasing around me, I was terrified I'd burnt all my taste buds away, and had become in essence, Dave Lister with only one taste bud.

Luckily, if you had seen my belly, you'll know I gained them back.
(1.21 Gigawatts, Thu 3 Jan 2008, 16:54, 1 reply)

You Coin't Be Serious?
So, after all of the Yuletide Festivities that coincide with the Primary Gifting Season (thanks, Bill Bailey), the Mrs and I wanted to go shopping for food, but wanted to do it in a cost effective manner.

Therefore, every spare coin in the house was duly bagged up so we could exchange it at Sainsburys for a food voucher.

Here comes the dumb bit. I was sat in the lounge, waiting for her to do whatever it is she does while she's getting ready. I had £40 of coins in two bags, throwing them in the air and catching them; noting the action of my hand as the coins landed in my palm.

"I wonder," I thought "how much would it hurt if I put my hand flat on the floor and then drop the bag?"

My hand hurt very soon afterwards, and quite a lot. The dumb thing is that I knew it would hurt, so why did I try it in the first place?
( Devil_In_Tights doesn't care if you are Valerie Singleton nude..., Thu 3 Jan 2008, 16:27, 1 reply)

The most stupidest thing I've done to myself is.....
Keep returning to B3ta in hope that the qotw as changed - done this quite a few times today.

Can't imagine I'll ever top this in my lifetime.
( Big-girl's-blouse After 23/8/2008 life will never be the same., Thu 3 Jan 2008, 15:55, 11 replies)

Got a hook in my cheek
Out fishing on New Years Day, partying on the shore and the fish are biting like they never have done.
There's 6 of us having a blast. My rod gets snagged. Instead of tightening the drag and pulling straight like every good angler knows, I just gave my rod a mighty heave. Hook comes loose, lands in cheek.
Fucking hurt pulling it out with pliers.

Length? It was a size 12 dry fly hook.
( workboresme is going home August 8th!, Thu 3 Jan 2008, 15:54, 3 replies)

I got so pissed over Christmas and New year...

That I completely forgot to change the QOTW after two weeks!

D'oh
( Pooflake ...time of death, Thu 3 Jan 2008, 15:47, 2 replies)

Not me, but my dad
When he was a little-un, he went to a bonfire at a local park on Bonfire night. He was given a sparkler, and a toffee apple, and was taken to watch the firework display. So taken was he by the dazzling rockets, that he forgot what he was holding and threw his toffee apple in a bucket of water and put the spent-but-still-mighty-hot sparkler in his mouth ...
( Droog Voila - le conversation a la parc., Thu 3 Jan 2008, 15:22, 1 reply)

Whilst drunken at a party
I thought it would be a hoot to slide down the stairs on my front, however I forgot to lift my head and ended up with carpet burns on my nose, chin and on the inside of my bottom lip.
( Droog Voila - le conversation a la parc., Thu 3 Jan 2008, 14:57, 3 replies)

cupasoup
whilst idly chatting away, i forgot to boil the kettle. i waited 5 mins, expected it to be done and poured it in.

I stirred it, then took a big swig.

I still can't watch the TV advert where they are doing slammers and throwing cupasoups at the marathon runners as cheap chicken and mushroom flavours mixed in cold water comes as a flashback. the chunky bits stay crispy and hard. the other bits don't form the lovely "soup" - they just seem to float.

I coughed the whole big swig over my new squeeze and meant i got not one jolly off her for weeks.
i am a friggin idiot.
( bazza van der trance , ooh baby baby, baby baby. Get up on this., Thu 3 Jan 2008, 14:17, 2 replies)

i had a 2cv
it was my first car wot i owned, one of the deep blue ones, not a dolly, 1984 vintage, so much fun.

i took it to uni in the late nineties with me, a cheap run about to get from suffolk college out to orford or aldeborough for a smoke. lovley. but, it always had a problem.

the points kept going. and it would backfire/pink incesccantly. so much so that on trips back to the rents in burton, it would sometimes barely get there.

finally it ended up in my parents garage, used for the odd run around till last year - when motivated by the need for excess garage space, my dad scrapped it with my sad consent.

two weeks after its demise and transcendence to automotive heaven (or hell if you write for top gear) father and I were chatting about its issues. because it was pre unleaded and had no cat, basically every time i put unleaded in it, i killed it. for the want of a chaep additive i never used, and he never thought to tell me about.

arse.
(magictorch, Thu 3 Jan 2008, 13:58, 1 reply)

left Facebook open on Reception for all to see...
me and my friend Loz always send each other messages on Facebook throughout the day, you know, to kill the boredom of crappy office jobs and all that. Only one day, I did a VERY dumb thing... I needed to leave the desk for five mins to go do what should have been a quick job, only the quick job wound up with me leaving the desk for a lot longer than I intended to. In fact, I got so wrapped up with the task in hand that I clean forgot all about me and Loz's funny little convo, currently laid out there bare and vulnerable for all to see. Now at this point I need to tell you that we're waiting for a very important visit from the head of the company, and he's apparently very particular about the state of the reception desk; no clutter, no games/messenger on the desktop of the computer. Ok, so the scene is set.
So there I am, merrily rounding the corner en-route back to my desk whistling all the way when who should I see manning said un-manned desk but my feisty (and possibly part demon)boss..I stop dead in my tracks and mentally scream ‘Nooooooooooooo’ but alas, the damage is already, potentially done. The question is, did she or did she not read it?? I bloody well hope not. the conversation went thus:

Loz: *post funny story* haha thanks that was pretty funny! made me chortle,
now im back to being a miserable bastard.do you think its wrong to have a wank at work?!

Me: Nah, I had one just the other day, nothing like the good old 'cheer myself up' wank, I can just picture you going at it hell for leather in the toilets with a dead miserable expression on your face ha ha!
x
I'll send you another funny story in a minuet..fucks sake, haven't managed to complete one round of solitaire yet..bloody stupid post etc..

Loz: haha you slacker you! Nah you cant have a miserable face when u wank, i just practice my sex faces! you said you are just deadpan which is pretty cool but maybe you could prctice scary faces to make it more interesting? x

Me: could be wrong..but reckon that pulling my scaryest face ever whilst trying to get myself off might actually put me off my stride some lol...
So, you try out your sexy faces then hu?? jeez, I don't even have a sexy face, and how do you know if its sexy? do you try it out in the mirror first then or wha?..

I'm intruiged..

I'm always worried about the type of stupid face I might be pulling during my 'love making' do I A.) bounce away grinning like a smug cat who got the cream, B.) gurn away in fierce concentration or C all of the above..

Shit.
(misshotlips, Thu 3 Jan 2008, 13:38, 2 replies)

Mind the gap
I broke my foot by jumping off a bridge.
Yep. A bridge.
The bridge was about 8/9 feet from the ground. A hard concrete ground. No, I was not drunk at the time.

Basically, I thought I could make it. I'm 6 foot tall so I thought, "Hey, that's only a three foot difference. Easy!"

Instead of dangling myself first and then dropping, thus actually only dropping three feet, I just jumped off. 8 or 9 feet to the ground. Crunch went my foot and I've done some real permanent damage to my ankle. Go me!
( Eddache Smash Bros Brawl Friend Code: 1633-5626-2765, Thu 3 Jan 2008, 13:06, Reply)

Yet another electric shock story...
Back in the late '80s, when laser printers were just arriving in offices, I was a field service engineer. I had a call to fix a brand new laser printer, one that I had recently been trained on.

As part of the fault finding, I had the top half of the clamshell off so that I could run the printer whilst open and see just where the fault was. In order to do this, I had to strategically place a couple of screwdrivers into some switches. It soon was obvious that the fault was a broken halogen lamp in the fuser (heats the roller to fix the toner on the page, not important).

What followed was dumb, attempting to change the lamp without removing either the screwdrivers, or the mains power and getting a rather nasty electric shock.

The really dumb thing, was trying to do this a further five times in a row, and still not realising that the massive jolt I received each time was related to the machine still being switched on.

Nomally my stupidity would have earned me the derision of my colleagues for years, but my dumbness was surpassed a few days later when another engineer attempted to work on a VDU without discharging the screen and without removing all his jewellery, allowing 14kV to discharge across his wedding ring, leaving him with matching 2nd degree burns on the front and back of his ring finger.
(lardyboy reaching a higher state of irrelevance on, Thu 3 Jan 2008, 13:04, Reply)

I'M BORED NOW!
Come on...new question please...

If only to save me from working!
( chickenlady says it's the biggest one she ever saw., Thu 3 Jan 2008, 13:02, 7 replies)

Still doing it...
I have coeliac disease, and have been told many times by the doctors that I have to stop eating food with gluten in.
I haven't, so apparently I am going to get bowel cancer, and at least one other form of cancer.
I keep hoping that one day they will ring me up and tell me that they were exaggerating. It hasn't happened yet. I don't expect it to, but until I either die or get very ill I am going to keep eating wheat because I like the freedom. And bread that doesn't taste like soggy cardboard beer-mats.
(Demagogue69 did your grandad 3 times., Thu 3 Jan 2008, 12:53, 5 replies)

not so much dumb as just plain funny..
A few weeks back, I went with a few mates to see "Eastern Promise" at the local cinema (that film with Viggo Mortensen as a russian gangster..you know the one..) Anyway, there's a scene in it where one of the guys is talking about someone having AIDS or something, and refers to it as "the gay disease"..

So we're sitting in the cinema and it's deadly quiet...

FILM: * "Perhaps he will die from the gay disease.."

My Mate: "HAHAHAHAHAAAAAH!! (a real hearty and appreciative laugh like as if someone had just cracked an excellent joke).

You had to be there, but it was literally the funniest thing I have ever witnessed.


*can't remember the exact dialogue but it's something like that.
(BatCountry listened to The Shins and wanted to make movies on, Thu 3 Jan 2008, 12:51, 3 replies)

Idiot....
Had drunken sex with a friend on another friends couch, both of whom i see every freaking day....


No point in a length joke, there was none...
(Fluent In Bentish ahhh how interesting..., Thu 3 Jan 2008, 12:47, Reply)

Better smelling gas
I sprayer air-freshner up my bum, thinking it would make my farts smell less. It didn't work, and burned like a very burny thing.
(lardaholics anonymous, Thu 3 Jan 2008, 12:44, Reply)

And one more...
My first proper job after leaving school. There was only three of us: me, a kid the same age as me called Glen, and the boss.

We were building some racking and a mezzanine floor in the warehouse, and for the flooring we had these 4x8' sheets of 2" plywood - they were fucking heavy, but 2 of us could lift one.

For some reason, these were all stacked in the workshop, leaning against one wall. One day, we needed to get something, only to discover that it was trapped behind the sheets of ply.

Rather than move them all, I had a brilliant idea: they'd probably balance quite well... if I held them upright, Glen could get the thing we needed and then with a little push they'd all be against the wall again. Easy!

So, we started moving them away from the wall. I think there were about 10 or so of these sheets. There were only about 2 left to move when the ones I was holding started to fall towards me. Obviously, there was no way I was going to hold them, so Glen raced round to help me, but they were too heavy and we both fell.

I just had time to think "Oh fuck, this is really going to hurt", and was having visions of my legs and pelvis being crushed under all this wood, when we both hit the spray rack - basically just a big frame made of angle iron that we rested stuff on while it was being sprayed.

Somehow we both ended up sitting on this frame with the wood resting on our laps.

Result! No broken bones... only problem was we were both trapped, and we were so far from the office that there was no way the boss would hear us if we shouted for help.

At this point I got the giggles, until I realised that the wood was starting to actually quite hurt my legs.

Glen managed to wriggle out in the end, and piled them all back against the wall.

We started again after that, and this time we moved them one by one to another wall.
( Professor Kenny Martin is pantswipingly well thanks, crikeyhead, Thu 3 Jan 2008, 12:43, Reply)