What happens after
I went out with girl in Bergen in Norway for a few months.
I broke up and she didn't take it well. She told me she loved me, and to be honest I felt something for her as well, I just knew I didn't want to spend any more time in Bergen, sleeping in a child bunk bed of a divorced naval historian who was also her lecturer and leader of the local communist youth group in what was a very strange scene.
anyway, about a week later I was drinking wih a swede in the town of Tromso, above the artic circle, and started to have major regrets. She was beautiful, 18, skin like snow, and here I am alone staying in a backpackers. I was a fool to have left her. I went to find a phone. It was sunny, somebody was mowing their lawn. I called her.
"Do you know what time it is?", she answered, "It's 3 in the morning"
The land of the midnight sun.
I apologised and said I'd call her back in about 8 hours. By that time I'd had another change of heart, and didn't speak to her for about a year. when I did she told she was pregnant. alarm bells went off in my head, but I did the math and realised it couldn't be mine. Perhaps she was, perhaps she wasn't, but it was clear that that door had closed. You make your bed, you lie in it.
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 15:30, Reply)

im divorced
I was an arsehole, the cheatee, the two timing bastard.

still, £300 for the divorce was an absolute bargain. not one I deserved, but a bargain nontheless.
(magictorch, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 15:17, 2 replies)

I was there when it happened, but this is about a friend of mine.
On a lad's night out some years ago, one of the gents - let's call him MRRRFRGLE for no good reason - decided after drinking copious hops and fermented fruit by-products until the wee hours... to attempt dumping his girlfriend.

In a loud bar, over the phone.

The phone to which she'd been sending MRRRFRGLE pictures of herself, industrial-strength naked, to "show him what he's missing". I know this because he showed all of the pictures to us.

The phone which, I found out afterwards, she was actually paying for on MRRRFRGLE'S behalf.

And the weirdest part? He failed. They didn't split up until much later.

MRRRFRGLE
( Iki I think my camel is dead., Thu 10 Jan 2013, 14:55, Reply)

Have A Pea..
At the ripe old age of forty-(cough) Now fifty-(cough) I'm in the middle of my first divorce and have to start all over again after seeing everything I owned given to a fat slapper who's never worked a full day in her life.

Then again, I've the rest of my life ahead of me without been dragged down by a fat snobby cow who shags anything that moves (and anything too drunk to move)

As I'm now living on my own I had to fill a council tax rebate form in (you get a %25 reduction for living on your own). In the section where you had to put:
Reason for living by yourself... I put:

Wife couldn't keep her knickers up.

I've heard that this form is now pinned on the notice board at the local council offices - sadly with the names of the guilty party tipexed out. - Sweet.

As I'm writing this I suppose I may as well confess the reason why we split. I found out she was shagging a copper. Not someone from homicide, not someone from fraud, not someone from serious crime division - not even a humble copper on the beat. It was a traffic cop....


The shame................


Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 14:01, 12 replies)

It's not something I like talking about
But BraynDedd stole my Woman.

I wouldn't have minded only I hadn't finished reading it
(Brigadier an old boot sitting on a man's face - forever, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 12:42, 10 replies)

You've heard it all before!
About my previous disastrous liaisons and my current cloud nine life, soon to be complete with the addition of a little cherub.

What I might not have splattered across these pages is the tale of my current squeeze and his, as of 4 weeks ago, now ex-wife. They ‘separated’ a year before I met Mr Free pens. When I say separated I mean he moved out but yet they met up 2 to 3 times a week to go to the cinema, go for coffee and have dinner together. What others, myself included, might think of as dating.

So, I appear on the scene and after a one night stand (with me, for the avoidance of doubt) and a month away in sunnier climes (without me), Mr Free pens decided I am his lady of choice. The news was broken to his, at the time, wife and she did not take it well. Every cliché available to a scorned woman was regurgitated. The most common question she raised was. What did I had the she didn’t? I told Mr Free pens to tell her 2 vaginas and 3 breasts, I doubt he ever did. Alas just 4 years of harassment and one injunctive order later the decree absolute was issued, not to mention costing about the same as a brand new car.
(Free pens 100, 101, 102 is still counting on, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 12:24, 14 replies)

I was the "dumper", I had the last laugh and I got to (kinda) roast a pea
but it was not because of something I had done.

I had broken up with my girlfriend whom I shall call Tonia (she was a bitch) and the blokes I had been hanging out with decided that they would rather be friends with her than with me.
That included my former business partner - let's call him Dick. I strongly suspect that a couple of these fellows had sexual relations with Tonia after we had broken up. That may have been uncomfortable for them knowing that her & I had previously had a sexual relationship.

At the time I was looking for a housemate. A young man moved in (I'll call him Dumpster because his surname is similar to that word and he really belongs in one) and then after a few months he moved out having not fully paid his share of rent. He was aided and abetted by my former business partner (Dick) in moving out.
Because of that my best friend (I'll call him Ron, as in "Later Ron ", it's a joke) decided to steal some marijuana plants that Dick (my former business partner) had been growing.
Ron then sold me those dried marijuana plants at a VERY cheap price. Over an extended time frame.
Ron only told me about 6 years after the fact. He died about 2 years ago.
So my final sentence is a hypothetical comment to Dick - I really enjoyed smoking his marijuana, with my friend Ron. & I hope he continued trying to woo my former girlfriend - Tonia, because I know that she wouldn't find him attractive. In any way whatsoever.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Thu 10 Jan 2013, 8:02, 18 replies)

The very last words I ever said to her were "Well, if that's how you feel then maybe you should fuck off to your mother's."
So she did.
Four days later I got divorce papers through the letterbox.
( blaireau69 , the Cumbrian Travis Bickle., Thu 10 Jan 2013, 1:29, 14 replies)

After a particularly bad argument
over the correct use of her time whilst she wasn't in gainful employment , I was suddenly on the wrong end of a sharp carving knife. I instantly smashed her over the noggin with my pewter tankard.
She was forgiven almost instantly for the almost stabbing but she had to go.
Bitch made me spill my beer.
(shake'n'bake Tally Ho, Biatch!, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 0:57, Reply)

Urban myth number 347 - Or maybe true
There goes a tale in the place I grew up of a young lady who prior to indulging in a bit of horizontal folk dancing would require her partner to take a dump on her chest and then smosh it about between them while they engaged in their rumble of affection.

On one particular day, the young man could not hold on to his steaming load and had to deposit it in the more traditional way at his home in a toilet.

Upon arrival at his lover’s shack of scat, he was encouraged to begin the ritual of love with the traditional shitting on his bird. Unable to fulfil her request due to the vacating his bowels earlier, she burst into tears and exclaimed,

“I knew it, you’ve been cheating on me” then proceeded to dump him on the spot.
(bad_advice QOTW survivor from the first trollocost!, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 0:18, 6 replies)

divorced and loving it!
I took on the whole responsibility thing very early - got together with a single mum when I was 19, got married, had two more kids. People used to tell us we inspired them to be more together in their relationships. As far as I was concerned I was in love and always would be... 18 years on, she ran off with another bloke. I spend the first few months utterly heartbroken, then thought: 'hang on a minute, this is a get out of jail free card!' and have been loving my life ever since. My kids are happy and I'm happy. Not so sure about my ex but hopefully she'll be ok in the long run. Not everything is perfect by any stretch, but a year and a half later I am still so, so glad she did it! I've even thanked her for having the courage to end the relationship when I couldn't see what was wrong with it...
(teasus likes tea, Wed 9 Jan 2013, 23:16, 10 replies)

I once put my winky up a girl but then she said I couldn't put my winky up her anymore so I went and found a new girl who would let me put my winky up her and this cycle repeated a few times and now I put my winky up a girl.

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Wed 9 Jan 2013, 22:54, 13 replies)

I'm sorry Jenny but we have to split up
I just can't take you seriously when you go cross eyed doing your cum face.
(magic the cat will someone please think of the kittens, Wed 9 Jan 2013, 19:37, 6 replies)

"It's not you, it's me",
She said just after she'd dropped the bombshell that she was leaving. This was around midnight, after I'd turned down a night out with some mates and stayed off the beer all night in order to go and pick her up from her friends house.

Turned out she was right; it wasn't me who'd been shagging someone else for six months. So at least she was being honest on that score.

On reflection, my reaction at the time should have transcended the metaphorical kick in the testes I'd just received and instead of begging for reasons why, I should have just said "Well, if I'd have known you were going to come out with that I'd have got pissed and you could have fucking walked home, then".

Still, she died nearly three years ago, so I got the better end of the stick in the end. Plus, the missus has better tits.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Wed 9 Jan 2013, 18:32, 24 replies)

Slightly relevant
A dog has just had a massive dump right outside the front door to my place of work, slap bang in the middle as you walk out. It's fucking disgusting.
(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Wed 9 Jan 2013, 15:09, 3 replies)

We broke up
I fucked off to australia.
( epiphany coming live from sweden, Wed 9 Jan 2013, 14:24, 14 replies)

Here I sit.
Broken hearted.
Wanted to shit.
But only farted.
(ParaSitius is an Optimistic Pessimist, Wed 9 Jan 2013, 13:09, 10 replies)

waste not want not
My 1st long term girlfriend dumped me on the day I had gone to her house with a bottle of champagne.

So I sat in the park next to her house and drank it like a posh tramp
(sittingduck Attention seeking, bullshitting fuck-knuckle, Wed 9 Jan 2013, 11:59, 8 replies)

I live near Harrow.
'tis alright, not much ing going on though.
(ParaSitius is an Optimistic Pessimist, Wed 9 Jan 2013, 11:47, 2 replies)

So we were walking down by the river the other day and saw boats on the water.
My friend was all "look, sculling!" Oh wait, no, the other thing "Hey, rowing!"
( Kroney, Wed 9 Jan 2013, 11:43, 1 reply)

I'm doing a shit as I type this.

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Wed 9 Jan 2013, 11:13, 1 reply)

I was in a Chinese restaurant,
and told a joke about taxi drivers going to Harrow. The wait staff were a bit frosty with me, after that, and I found the whole experience to be rather, er, oh, fuck it.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Wed 9 Jan 2013, 10:00, 2 replies)

I was in hospital for a minor operation the other day, and all the different sections were named after English public schools.
I got put into a ward in Eton Wing. Wait. Got that wrong. The other one. Harrow Wing.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 9 Jan 2013, 8:15, Reply)

and another Pea # 2 - The foolishness of youth
The foolishness of youth

It was night and outside, there fore it was also dark, and the teenage bad advice was camping with 100’s of other teenage people. Most satisfyingly, around 30% of them didn’t have willies and where rumoured to be of those mythical beings, TEENAGE GIRLS!!

The young people had travelled from all over the state to attend this bloody great camping extravaganza and much mingling was had. Late on the second night gathered around a random campfire, the very social and horny (that horny feeling only a virgin teenage male can know) bad advice was making friends with a bunch of lads from a place far far away from his home. He had chosen to make friends with this group as they had in their crew girls that where only their friends and from simple observation it appeared no one was attending their crutch caverns.

One talkative spritely young thing made a general announcement that she need to “go wee” but, didn’t want to go by herself as she was scared of the dark. As her dude friends suggested she take a torch or just fuck off in general (they where not nice boys I started to think) she appealed to bad advice to escort her to the camp area set aside for abolutions. And because he was toeyer than a roman sandal and prepared to take any and every possible chance to be in the single company of a female, he agreed.

As they trotted along the darkened bush path she gibbered at a 1000 miles an hour on random and unconnected subjects until arriving at subject of watching people piss (oh, for she was all class). A proposal was made by the bearer of nubile young breasts that if she could watch bad advice drain the vein, she would let him watch her twinkle tinkle.

After a stunned grunt in the affirmative, they stepped off the track into a small clearing and bad advice produced what to this point had only been hand cranked and released the yellow stream.

“It’s too dark” she exclaimed, “I can hear you but, I can’t see you, let me shake it for you” clearly she knew how this process worked. Her arms encircled his waist and gripping the root of the love muscle proceeded to give it a shake that sprayed drops of bladder juice in a 30 meter radius and near detached it from the body but, after a few seconds of shaking, the internal inspector rose to full and glorious attention in her nimble hands to be rewarded with a few fast yet jerky pumps. She stepped out from behind him and her shadowy outline was visible in the dark, the sound of her zip resonated amongst the tree’s and she crouched down and then a whistle of water under pressure through a small opening played like music to his ears but, she was right, it was too dark to see much more than outlines.

“I forgot the paper” she giggled naughtily.

“I have a tissue you can use” offered the iron rigid bad advice.

“I should just wipe it MYSELF?” she asked, with a slight harshness sneaking into her previously light sing song voice.

“well it’s not going to wipe its self now is it” offered the very logical yet very stupid bad advice, while wondering how he could ‘bust a move’ on this possibly interested sweet young thing.

She arose from her crouched position, pushed the now damp tissue back into his hand and strode back to the path and back to the fire, her fear of dark seemingly evaporating in the heat of her, in bad advice’s eyes, unexplained anger.

I often think back to that dark night of camping and sometimes I ponder what might have been but, generally, I think to myself, you stupid stupid stupid stupid boy.
(bad_advice QOTW survivor from the first trollocost!, Wed 9 Jan 2013, 4:41, 22 replies)

I was 15. Her name was Myrna.
She was a girl I had never seen before that came up to me in the school library. She knew who I was and thought that we should get to know each other better. I thought she seemed to be a sweet young thing, but she dressed like Sunday school and had a friend who looked like nothing else but a troll.
I tried to politely put her off, but she persisted and suggested we go to a movie, on her dime. I countered with a restricted movie, but somehow she talked her straight laced parents into it. Her father had to be coaxed up from the basement."You think this is a good movie?" he asked me with a sidelong look. I assured him that Easy Rider was critically acclaimed. It certainly was educational. The sex in the graveyard bit saw me through many a lonely night.
On the ride home with my stop was approaching, I thought about seeing her home and having to take another bus back. Not for long though. "This is my stop," I said "it's been peachy."
Sorry Myrna, but you did learn the value of keeping clear of assholes. Some women never do.
(the other guy not the one that gave you coochie warts, Wed 9 Jan 2013, 3:18, 2 replies)

It's time for a pea - #1
Wrong Answer
She was lovely, the type of girl I dreamed about. Smart, sassy, pretty, energetic and loved an extended rumble between the sheets.

Things were progressing well, meeting respective parents, first long weekend away together doing interesting things and having that crazy monkey sex you only get when a relationship is new and fresh.

On the last night of our little sojourn away together, we had dinner in a nice restaurant and had light and funny, yet painfully truthful conversations about funny things from our pasts. Somehow the convo got around to someone having cheated on one of us and the appropriate tut tutting from the other (I can't remember who was the cheated and who was the tutter) when she looked at me wistfully and asked,

"If you cheated on me would you tell me"

"NO WAY!" I replied,

what was I thinking? "I would never cheat on you" or "if I was so stupid to do this I couldn't live with the guilt" or even, "would you tell me".

The relationship sort slowly disintegrated after that, a few weeks later she gently dumped me, said she just didn't think she could trust me.
(bad_advice QOTW survivor from the first trollocost!, Wed 9 Jan 2013, 2:52, 1 reply)

My Norman ancestors went up North for the holiday. Wait. Not holiday. The other one. Harrowing.

(Elephant Balderdash attempting to bottle the absurd, Wed 9 Jan 2013, 2:33, Reply)

I was once breaking up the soil to plant root vegetables. That was ploughing, no wait, harrowing.

( Dr Preference AjcuiVd289, Tue 8 Jan 2013, 23:17, 1 reply)

Could be awkward
The following is a conversation between a good mate of mine and a girl who thought they were in a relationship:

Him: Look, I am NOT interested in you. I am NOT going to have a relationship with you!
Her: Why? What have I done? What's wrong with me?
Him: Nothing. But I'm gay.
Her: No you're not!
Him: Err...yes. Yes I am.
Her: How do you know?
Him: Because I'm shagging your brother.

Apparently it cast a pall over Christmas ....
( Undercovercarrot got done for gross misconduct on..., Tue 8 Jan 2013, 21:18, 3 replies)

I had a 2-year relationship
with the most beautiful, charming woman I've ever known. She was smart, witty and into all the same stuff as me. When we broke up it was funny. Wait. Not funny. The other one. Harrowing.
( Ambegris likes his tea stirred anti-clockwise, Tue 8 Jan 2013, 16:03, 13 replies)