How I avoided a fight
A few months ago I was out drinking with a couple of mates and we found ourselves in the outside area of a large pub. It was quite a busy evening; there were no tables free so we were stood up by a small outside bar, chatting and smoking, keeping a look out for any tables that happened to be vacated. As I glanced towards the table opposite where we were stood, I saw two males sniff what was probably cocaine off of a card and up into their noses. I quickly looked away; it wasn’t any of my business, but I was surprised at how brazen they had been. I didn’t say anything to either of my mates, but looked over again and realised that both of the males were now approaching me.

As they neared, I remember thinking ‘He we go’. They were ‘proper lads’. You know the type; love boozing and chatting up the ‘birds’, three-styles-in-one haircuts, both dressed in attire usually associated with Jeremy Kyle guests and were walking like constipated apes. Proper-fucking-lads.

“What the fuck you looking at, mate?”

He was quite big, so I pretended I hadn’t seen him.

“Oi, mate. What the fuck were you looking at?”

I turned slowly round to face them.

“Me?” I started, pointing at myself. “Nothing”.

“You fucking what?”

“Nothing”

This went on for a couple of minutes; them asking me what I was looking at, and me responding with the same answer. My mates, ever helpful, stood and watched, sipping their drinks slowly. Eventually the two lads got bored with asking me the same question,

“Right, you little cunt, what’s your fucking name”

With that, the larger of the two grabbed me by my collar and tried to pull me towards him. I stood my ground and for some reason, my Granddad’s (RIP) only ever words of wisdom came into my head – ‘If you’re ever in trouble, act like you’ve got a mental illness’.
Before I could process this thought completely in my head, I felt my mouth open and I started speaking in a posh gentleman’s voice,

“They call me The Mongdaddy, boys. It’s a pleasure to meet you. Sputnik, Cauliflower, Wibble Jib-Jib!”

I extended my hand to the lad who wasn’t trying his best to remove my clothing.

“Mongdaddy? What the fuck are you on, mate”

“Why nothing fellow”, I carried on. Still I kept my posh voice. My mates now had their backs turned to us and were slowly sidestepping away from the scene.

”And it’s The Mongdaddy, parp, parp”.

With that, I pulled my hand down like you do when trying to get a haulage driver to sound his horn. I felt the grip on my collar loosen and the big lad stepped back away from me.

“Are you fucking nuts?”

“Oh God no, treacle pie. The Mongdaddy is perfectly normal. Hoopla-Hoopla, come and play the hoopla! Whistle. Flute. Hairy Biscuit”

I was now doing a small jig on the spot. Out of the corner of my eye I could see a few people watching me. I must have looked like an absolute nut-job.

“Hoopla?” The lads sounded as confused as I was.

“Five attempts for a pound, my dear. Get in the cockpit and roll out the kipper”.

“Fuck off, you freak”

And with that they walked away. I returned to my mates, necked my pint and left for somewhere different.
(Monkey the Chicken Twitter: death_stairs, Fri 20 Aug 2010, 13:53, 16 replies)

supoib
(Katzilla Follow Me! @Kat_Zilla (I don't promise funnehs), Fri 20 Aug 2010, 13:55, closed)

I hope this is true
*click*
(Psymon_Spark Jesus Saves! The rest of you take 4d6 damage, Fri 20 Aug 2010, 13:58, closed)

good response
nothing quite like confusing them.
on an unrelated note, get some better friends. mates don't let mates get grabbed by dickheads.
(UppityDamnPrimate LET'S OPEN THIS F*CKING PIT UP, Fri 20 Aug 2010, 14:01, closed)

Agreed...
There were three of you, and two of them, regardless of who they were, I would have stuck up for my mate.

If they are gonna get stoved in, I'd like to think that I at least got stoved in with them, rather than pussying out.
(The Kwyjibo A big, dumb, balding North American ape., Fri 20 Aug 2010, 17:19, closed)

Awesome
I would've loved to have seen this
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Fri 20 Aug 2010, 14:13, closed)

The wall outside my house isn't four feet high.

(Falstaff's Spiritual Successor, Fri 20 Aug 2010, 14:13, closed)

Ah
Someone else who watches too much Derren Brown.
( MatJ LOOK, Fri 20 Aug 2010, 20:30, closed)

Doesn't Paul Newman do this in "Fort Apache, The Bronx"? Maybe that's where your Grandad got the idea...
(suckfake Frisky biscuits, Fri 20 Aug 2010, 14:39, closed)

I love your Grandad! Top advice.
Wibble.
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Fri 20 Aug 2010, 14:44, closed)

didn't happen

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Fri 20 Aug 2010, 18:56, closed)

did

( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Sat 21 Aug 2010, 2:15, closed)

'nt

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Sun 22 Aug 2010, 0:34, closed)

Did
did, did, did
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Sun 22 Aug 2010, 23:25, closed)

It quite clearly did not happen.

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Mon 23 Aug 2010, 12:16, closed)

this has got me out of trouble
i'm not mental, but i do like to promote the illusion amongst the local youths. they tend to leave me alone.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Fri 20 Aug 2010, 23:09, closed)

I went outside the pub for a smoke
And some chavvy teen and his mate came up to me and did the whole "what are you looking at" line and posturing thing.

My friends helpfully filmed the whole thing through the pub window "in case I got arrested for fighting and needed to prove I was the victim".
( Dervel OTBC, Tue 24 Aug 2010, 15:30, closed)