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Pavlov's Frog writes: I once spent 20 minutes with my eyes closed to see what it was like being blind. I smashed my knee on the kitchen cupboard, and decided I'd be better off deaf as you can still watch television.

(, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 12:00)
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Fifty one things Davy is no longer allowed to do.
If you haven't read Skippys list I suggest you do so. It's one of the funniest things on the internet and never fails to make me laugh.

So much do I like it, I'm inspired to start my own. I'm using his rules for inclusion. These are all things I have done, or attempted to do, and been forbidden from doing again.

1) The company’s internet policy is not “Google for porn.”
2) I may not create a Wikipedia entry about our business competitors and their nocturnal habits.
3) That goes double for Encyclopedia Dramatica
4) Nobody wants to hear about my hard dwarf.
5) I must not attempt to enter the United States illegally.
6) When told to put my hand up in order to ask a question, that means up in the air.
7) “All work and no play makes David a dull boy” is not an acceptable answer on a work performance self assessment form.
8) Five bottles of champagne at a Cam game is not a legitimate business expense.
9) I should stop singing in the shower, as the neighbours have complained.
10) My housemate is not my butler, no matter how often I say he is.
11) I am not a ghost, and must stop pretending I am whilst we are trying to hold a séance.
12) I must stop trying to charge children to join my fan club.
13) I must not proposition my boss.
14) Especially not if I back off sharpish when she accepts.
15) Firestarter and Smack my bitch up are not appropriate music to play at a wedding reception.
16) The tear-off bits of card inside Swan Vesta packets are not acid tabs, and I should not sell them to teenagers by pretending they are.
17) I must stop listening to white supremacist county & western in the bath
18) Nobody wants to hear the noises I can make with bubble gum
19) I must not stir my boss’ tea with any part of my anatomy
20) I must not watch Jean-Claude van Damme’s Bloodsport on loop whilst my housemate is trying to revise for an exam in the morning
21) (Thirty minutes later) I must not act out the entire script of Jean Claude van Damme’s Bloodsport in the living room whilst my housemate is trying to revise for an exam in the morning.
22) I must never allow anyone into my house with an axe again.
23) My boss’ name is not ‘petal’.
24) My sex life does not have a comedy soundtrack, and I should stop acting like it does.
25) I may not shout “By the power of Greyskull!” in bed
26) I may not pretend to be a German porn star in bed (“Das ist gut, ja, fraulein? Uhh! Uhh! Oh, ja, ja!”)
27) I must not wear those socks to work again.
28) “Just blowing off steam” is not a good enough reason for playing lasertag round the building during work hours
29) I must not talk about ‘the really cool thing I did at the weekend’ during client meetings ever again.
30) I am not allowed to change the office answerphone message again.
31) I must not see how loud I can burp in the cinema.
32) The French are not a ‘lesser servitor race’.
33) When my boss rhapsodises about the club scenes in The Matrix, I must not say “To you, that’s a movie fantasy. To me, it’s Saturday Night.”
34) I may not enter the United States without submitting to a body search.
35) “I’d rather not get paid than make you any money” is not an acceptable reply to the question “Why aren’t you working?”
36) I must not ask Master Chen Chi’en Li to show me the death touch (This was more of a warning and less of a prohibition.)
37) I must not lie on the floor of my office scratching my beard when new employees are being shown around the company.
38) “You should’ve knocked” is not an acceptable retort to the above, even if it is true.
39) I must not distribute this Onion story round the office whilst the born-again Christian is away on his Honeymoon.
40) This year's school play will not be Equus.
41) I am not allowed to have a Mohican until I have left school
42) (One week later, still at school) I must grow that Mohican out again as soon as possible.
43) “No, my gun is quite blunt” is the wrong answer to the question “Is there anything sharp in your hand luggage?”
44) I must not eat three bowls of all-bran before going to visit friends ever again.
45) I do not have divine powers.
46) I am not the ‘pinnacle of human evolution’, even if I can justify it.
47) I must not convince my boss that I'm a satanist by listening to 'devil worship music'.
48) "I realised that I wouldn't lie on my deathbed wishing I'd spent more time in the office" is not an acceptable reason for leaving work at 2pm.
49) I must not heckle the punks.
50) My job description is not "Pickin' cotton and bring the boss his Mint Julep"
51) My job title is not "Lord high everything else", and I must change my email signature file immediately.
(, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 14:19, closed)
Number 15.
So innappropriate, yet so funny.
(, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 15:30, closed)
Pinnacle of Evolution?
That's not you. That's me.
(, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 15:55, closed)
If I ruled the world
I would like to see you do everything on that list for my own amusement *thumbs up*
(, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 16:13, closed)
Much clickage...
And more inappropriate laughter from me (damn you all - my boss is in today)

Oh wait, maybe I should do some actual work...

(, Fri 25 Jul 2008, 9:30, closed)
Number 17...
I lolled, roffled and L'd my FAO to an extent. Have a click.
(, Thu 31 Jul 2008, 14:50, closed)

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