An Experiment in Gender Double-Standards
Like most men, I have often asked my girlfriends (past and present) the very important question, 'do I have a big cock?' and the common response always seems to be, word for word, 'Yours is the second biggest that I've ever had, and the only one that I had which was bigger than yours was too big, it hurt, and I didn't like it.'
I've heard that exact same line, verbatim, from at least three women.
So, it got me wondering, aside from the obvious, 'Do women all sit around, discussing this stuff, and coming up with ways of appeasing their insecure partners?' and 'God I wish mine was so big that it hurt. Sometimes.' I wondered whether a woman would be insecure about something similar, if the shoe was on the other foot.

You see, men are renowned for being egotistical, over-sensitive and downright silly about the size of their penises, whereas I've met very few women who even care at all about how tight they might be down there.

So, to the experiment, I was going to repeat the line that I'd heard from so many women, including my current partner, back at her, with certain aspects reversed, obviously.

After Mrs Sexmonkey and I had engaged in another one of our now legendary, acrobatic, marathon-esque sex sessions, we collapsed on the bed,

'Wow,' says I, 'I swear, you have the second tightest p*ssy that I've ever felt in my life.'

A look of horror, shock, disgust, revulsion and disbelief spread across Mrs Sexmonkey's face.

'Oh, don't worry though, the tighter one was too tight, I didn't like it at all, it actually hurt a little.' I said, as re-assuringly as possible.

She left shortly after that, and three days later, she's still not talking to me.

Conclusion
Women have enough neuroses about their weight, looks, hair, make-up, careers, skin, men and life in general, without adding, 'You've got a fanny like a damp windsock' to the equation.

Arse.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 28 Jul 2008, 9:11, 45 replies)

You should be grateful
all she did was walk out and not talk to you.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 28 Jul 2008, 9:25, closed)

Me?
She should be grateful, I'm the second biggest cock she's ever had.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 28 Jul 2008, 9:27, closed)

^
er, you'd be losing if it's a sample size of 2, Sexmonkey.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Mon 28 Jul 2008, 9:28, closed)

I'm back...
... and it's nice to see a funny Sexmonkey story first thing.

Almost as nice as a week sat by the pool munching foie gras.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Mon 28 Jul 2008, 9:29, closed)

Pfffft.
Let's just say that my Mrs has been around the block a couple of times (I'm kidding!).

I don't like that I've heard the same line from three women though, what's all that about?
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 28 Jul 2008, 9:30, closed)

what?
Three women told you you'd the second biggest cock they'd had? Is that like ordering the second cheapest bottle of wine from a wine list? ;)

Edit: wait a minute Bert! I've seen your cock. We've ALL seen your cock. You should've included a scale bar.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Mon 28 Jul 2008, 9:32, closed)

Errrr
you have a larger than average cock, but the women you sleep with have been around a bit?

Or maybe you just happen to have got into a shag cycle with a complete stranger with a huge nob. Like when your beer and piss cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger. That's always embarrassing.

@Enzyme - foie gras FTW!
(Bazongaloid, Mon 28 Jul 2008, 9:33, closed)

Stop being mean!
Yep, I'm sure that all you lady folks get together and come up with lines like that to make your men shut up about matters they deem too insignificant to answer honestly.

It is funny how a man would probably take that comment as a compliment, whereas a woman would be offended and upset by it.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 28 Jul 2008, 9:34, closed)

@CHCB
with Bert it would less of a scale bar and more of a scale pylon.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 28 Jul 2008, 9:36, closed)

@Bert
I would never be offended if someone told me I had a massive cock.

No one expects GIGANTACOCK! DUM DUM DUM!
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Mon 28 Jul 2008, 9:37, closed)

@al
*blushes*

@chcb
I haven't seen your cock, but I bet it's the biggest, scariest, hairiest cock and balls this side of Ron Jeremy.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 28 Jul 2008, 9:39, closed)

@Bert
I've seen the pictures on facebook and CHCBs cock is scarier than the one on that creature photo Kaol posted a while ago.

Edit - GIGANTACOCK! Dum dum dum dededededededdumdudmDUMDUDMDUMDUMtishDUMDUM BOOM dum DUM dum DUM
(Bazongaloid, Mon 28 Jul 2008, 9:50, closed)

I DEMAND
to see pictures of chcb's cock.

NOW.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 28 Jul 2008, 9:52, closed)

Haha
Marvelous, that is probably the worst thing you could ever say to a woman, apart from 'Your mum was tighter.'
( Brandy_Bumwinkle, Mon 28 Jul 2008, 10:00, closed)

Trust me mate,
if you need to ask 'do I have a big cock?' then you haven't got one. If you have a big cock women tell you, unprompted :)
( enoughblueskyforsailorstrousers, Mon 28 Jul 2008, 10:01, closed)

Hee hee - a post about a cock ;o)
Actually Bert, women do worry about the tightness of their blits. Particularly after childbirth - after all the swelling has gone down one is often left with a wizard's sleeve......

Another sure as hell term to upset one's lass is casually mentioning she has a hole like a welly-top.

Good morning, by the way!
Long time no "see" - everyone well?
( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Mon 28 Jul 2008, 10:02, closed)

Morning tourettes tits
Are you on school holidays now?

How is your building work going?
(Bazongaloid, Mon 28 Jul 2008, 10:06, closed)

@Mime
Judge for yourself(extremely NSFW)

@Tourette's
Hiya Mrs! How do?
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 28 Jul 2008, 10:07, closed)

Bert
stop posting that bloody thing all over the place it's horrific.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 28 Jul 2008, 10:08, closed)

you've pissed off photobucket, Bert
slap it on www.b3tards.com/ instead.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Mon 28 Jul 2008, 10:09, closed)

@al
Stop clicking it then!

@chcb It seems to work for me, what happens when you click it?
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 28 Jul 2008, 10:10, closed)

@Bert
I get one of these:



Maybe you have a cached copy?
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Mon 28 Jul 2008, 10:11, closed)

@Bert
she gets the wild horn and has to go and rub one out in the toilets.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 28 Jul 2008, 10:12, closed)

Heehee!
I loikes that!

Gimme a sec....

Fixed

@al I can't help being proud!
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 28 Jul 2008, 10:12, closed)

hahahahahahahaha
you dont fuck with that, surely!
( enoughblueskyforsailorstrousers, Mon 28 Jul 2008, 10:30, closed)

Hello Enzyme.
Yum yum foie gras. love it.
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Mon 28 Jul 2008, 10:35, closed)

@Mime
Which one?

Hitlercock and GIGANTACOCK are a tag team.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 28 Jul 2008, 10:36, closed)

you need

( enoughblueskyforsailorstrousers, Mon 28 Jul 2008, 10:37, closed)

I already have a pair of those!
Though my bulge is a bit bigger than his.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 28 Jul 2008, 10:38, closed)

Oh dear
I just went to a bad place. I'm now going to be unable to get that image out of my head next time we meet Bert.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 28 Jul 2008, 10:40, closed)

@al
Want me to do a sexy dance for you in my superman pance?
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 28 Jul 2008, 10:41, closed)

Al
I'm not going to be able to stop looking at the bulge in his trousers when I meet him!
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Mon 28 Jul 2008, 10:42, closed)

Yes
but then let's never mention it again.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 28 Jul 2008, 10:42, closed)

@chickenlady
You can have a feel for 2.5 pence
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 28 Jul 2008, 10:43, closed)

You tease!
You know very well that 0.5pees don't exist anymore!

Swizz.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Mon 28 Jul 2008, 10:47, closed)

@chickenlady
He really wants 50p and a bunch of grapes.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 28 Jul 2008, 10:49, closed)

@chickenlady
Ah, yes, but if you give me 3p, I'll give you half a penis back.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 28 Jul 2008, 10:50, closed)

@ al
Yep, on hols now. The building work is going splendidly well thanks! Burly men UP in the loft, BANGING & SCREWING, HUMPING WOOD all day LONG......

And we are listening to the Sex Pistols!

I'm in my element ;o)

How is your good self?
( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Mon 28 Jul 2008, 10:51, closed)

Al
That'll be 50p in mixed change so he can take a trip to the loos and turn himself into a human slot machine!


I wish that thought hadn't occurred to me now
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Mon 28 Jul 2008, 10:52, closed)

Bert
Why do I suspect this is all a ploy?
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Mon 28 Jul 2008, 10:53, closed)

Less a human
slot machine, more an organic one armed three legged bandit.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 28 Jul 2008, 10:56, closed)

@tourettes
very sleepy, spent the weekend in Edinburgh for a wedding and got very, very drunk.

Try not to make too much noise with those sex pistols, you'll put those builders off their stroke.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 28 Jul 2008, 11:00, closed)

@chickenlady
A ploy to get you to stroke my penis?

However did you guess?!
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 28 Jul 2008, 11:11, closed)

^^
Well my missus has one like a old bin bag full of mussels.
(powervator and NONE SHALL PASS, Mon 28 Jul 2008, 11:37, closed)

Not entirely related, but....
May I suggest that you never read the profanisaurus before going to bed with your missus. Sometimes telling a girl that it was like a "mouse's ear" isn't as pleasing as you would initially like to believe.

Cheers
(Ryushin, Mon 28 Jul 2008, 15:05, closed)