L0p3z's story made me think of this:
I failed to have sex at least 17 times this morning, as every person I passed on the way to work I failed to rape. If number one in your list counts, then so does this.

And as for the cream, it's probably with the pregnant teenager down the pharmacy.
( skinnyrake =|:o)-/<, Mon 8 Jan 2007, 14:27, Reply)

failed at getting sex triple whammy
I once failed to have sex with the same girl three times on different occasions.

1. We were both hammered and passed out before either was fully un-dressed. I didnt even get my jeans all the way off and she wakes up with one boob exposed from a t-shirt half taken off. I managed to get the socks off tho...smooth.

2. Didn't have a condom, and my suggestions of anal didnt go down to well, she did tho, woohoo.

3. Both of us were drunk but still in control of our faculties until my drunkard room mate busts into the room and proceeds to vomit out the window right next to my bed (way to kill a mood). He then hangs out the window groaning like only a drunk man can. All attempts to move him were met with a violent response. We went downstairs hoping everyone was in bed, they were not so we spend most of the night getting stoned before passing out.

Never actually got round to doing the deed, ended up shagging her mate instead, she was much less fussy about things like condoms... [scratches] wheres that cream?

Edit: 1 makes sense now, and yes sex was on the cards at this point but mutual inibriation got in the way
(L0p3z, Mon 8 Jan 2007, 14:22, Reply)

Final Fantasy 7
60 hours of game play. I had devoted much of my childhood to this marvelous little game. Just about to go wandering into the meteor crater, and what happens? memory card failure
( HelloIamAdam and Adam is my name, Mon 8 Jan 2007, 14:14, Reply)

Welsh farmer shenanigans
I case of urban legend perhaps, I saw this tale printed in the press a while back.

A Welsh farmer, sick of the low flying jets which buzzed his farm at all hours had enough and climbed onto the roof of his barn and painted "PISS OFF BIGGLES!" in twenty foot high letters.

His satisfaction was short lived however as word quickly got around:

"I say Ginger old chap, have a look at this"

Soon enough, more and more jets were taking a detour to buzz the barn and read the message.

The farmer's will was finally broken when a detachment of USAF F15's peeled off and flew by one by one to check out the message.

Utterly vexed and short of sleep, our hero grabs a can of black paint and climbs the barn once again to paint over the legend...

However, at dawn and dusk "PISS OFF BIGGLES" is still clearly visible for low flying RAF showoffs to read.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Mon 8 Jan 2007, 14:03, Reply)

Tomb Raider
I failed to complete the first Tomb Raider.

I was right at the end, at a part where you have to climb hand over hand along a wall while arrows are fired at you, which is apparently impossible to do without losing health...and I had almost no health, no health packs and no save games old enough to get any.

while I learned a valuable lesson about having multiple save games, the memory of that failure still haunts me some 10 years on.
( yes yes yes man oi mate, someone's writtten 'bum' on your neck, Mon 8 Jan 2007, 13:52, Reply)

Might be interesting, probably not. Read it anyway you lazy arsehole.
The RAF section at my old school's CCF used to take us every now and again on Air Experience Flying. This involved us cadets getting in a dual-control training aircraft (one at a time obviously) and them flying us around for a bit.

My turn, I went up with one of those old school pilots; big tache, 50's accent, slightly podgy. He wanted to teach me a bit about flying, so he told me he would increase airspeed and I would trim the aircraft*.
"Fair enough" thinks I, assuming he would increase the throttle gently. So I just nudged the trim wheel very gently fowards.
Meanwhile, the bastard yanks the throttle to full. WOOSH! The nose hurtles upwards and the engine stalls. Now we are falling, downwards, tail first.
"I HAVE CONTROL!" he booms.
Forgetting the calm demo on the safety video, instead of saying "You have control sir", in my stunned state I mumble
"Er...um...yeah alright then"
His annoyance was matched only by his skill in flying, as he forced the joystick fowards, whilst re-starting the engine and eventually landing safely back at base.

In summary:
I failed to trim the aircraft
I almost failed in my attempt not to end up as a mess on the ground but worst of all...
...I failed to address an RAF officer correctly. An RAF officer with a tache.

No apologies for length. I'm just glad to be alive!

*When you increase an aircraft's speed, it gets more lift so the nose lifts up. Some aircraft have a trim wheel that forces the nose back down to a level position.
(tarbin tarbis, tarbit, tarbamus, tarbimus, tarbant, Mon 8 Jan 2007, 13:51, Reply)

first driving test
2 Majors.

Firstly I drove on the wrong side of the road for a bit, i knew id fucked it when he said get on the left.

Secondly speeding, 40 in a 30.

Oh well, 3rd time lucky.
( Slippery Mick &#8207;, Mon 8 Jan 2007, 13:45, Reply)

Irony
Only subject I failed was my Design & Communication GCSE - I now work as a design engineer.
(quedge, Mon 8 Jan 2007, 13:40, Reply)

It came as no surprise to me......
Failed.

Technical drawing GCSE.

Should have been a breeze - I had 2 years to produce about 15 bits of A3 paper regarding 'the record industry' and only managed to produce one. (that was only the words, 'The Record Industry' in neat writing and a record - which, because it was 'technical' drawing, I produced using a compass).

Anyway, that was it, one piece of paper and no information at all to support this 2 year project.

I got a major bollocking from the head for this, in fact, as a student who never did anything wrong, I got the biggest bollocking of everyone (of a class of about 25, 21 people either handed in nothing, or the same as me).

Anyway, it gets to exam time and we are all told that 'there is no point any of you entering this exam, you've not done your course work' - so most people didn't bother turning up.

I - however - remembered what they'd told us before the exams started, that was, if you failed to show for an exam without good reason, you'd have to pay about £25.00 or so.

So I turned up.

The first question was 'produce an exploded view of this '

I got all of the coloured pencils I could find and wrote the word 'BANG' and spent the next twenty minutes drawing a massive explosion.

I failed.

However, my folks were delighted in the end, because, 'apparently, Dave didn't bother going, and his parents had to pay for the exam'.

If I'd have put so much work into Technical Drawing as I have this story, I'd be quid's in.

Bah!
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 8 Jan 2007, 13:29, Reply)

ive never failed.
i dont think....well, i've always sacked off stuff before i failed...


i think god is storing up and pre-empting future mass failures for the following things i need to do in life.

ACCA and driving.

If i can become an accountant without failing, then there is something wrong with me.
(Salbo_baggins, Mon 8 Jan 2007, 13:24, Reply)

Spelling
I failed a sponsored spelling test on both words and sponsorship.

A letter went home to my mum detailing my wretched failure.

However, as I had only started the school the previous week and no-one had told either me or my mum about the spelling test, she told them to shove their letter up their bottoms.

I was the only person in that school to pass the 11+

Dicks
(Jugular, Mon 8 Jan 2007, 13:19, Reply)

Failure to finish CBT
My wifes boss in a law firm decides he wants to recapture his youth and get the 125cc bike of his dreams - which was back in the 1970's. He got this bike and drooled over it, until he decides to take 3 weeks off to do his CBT and learn to ride it.

Many many celebrations were had in his abscence, and there were various plans to ring his mobile etc to see if he fell off.

Well, day 2 held all the surprises. During the first round of "kevin holiday" cakes, they received a call.

"Kevin cannot come back into work for 6 weeks as he has failed his CBT"

not usual for this to be required, they investigated further.

"Kevin failed to gain enough speed on a speed bump on the training ground area and fell off slow-motion style - sideways. The bike fell on his leg and broke it in 4 places requiring full suspension of legs, in hospital, for 6 weeks"

Not only did he fail, he failed to gain 5 mph and failed to reappear at work for a full 6 months in total as no-one wanted him back.
( bazza van der trance , ooh baby baby, baby baby. Get up on this., Mon 8 Jan 2007, 13:19, Reply)

I failed to understand plain English....
....earlier this morning.

When asked, she replied that 'nothing' was wrong.

However it appears that 'nothing' actually meant that there were numerous things wrong and I have been hearing about it ever since and no doubt will have a round of fucks waiting for me when I get home.

Length for English lessons exchange?
(Danny Fishcharge Half arsed, smart arsed, on & off a lard arse sinc, Mon 8 Jan 2007, 12:58, Reply)

In Heaven there is no beer, thats why we drink it here.
Sobriety tests, assorted.

1. "Peter Piper pikciked peckjcszxzxzsxcsczczzx".

2. "Straight line officer? Why certainly".. "Please stop hugging the central reservation sir"

3. "Have you had any alcoholic beverages tonight sir?"...... "Go bollocks pig!"
(Phony Montana, Mon 8 Jan 2007, 12:37, Reply)

I failed an amusingly named Computer Literacy Exam
"CLIT" if anyone is interested.
I failed it because I handed in a blank disk. Always remember to save your goddamn work.
(The Apeface Cherub is not a cunty-uber-cunt, Mon 8 Jan 2007, 12:28, Reply)

CBT
That's Compulsory Basic Training, for motorbikes, not the other thing...

Anyway, clutch control was an utterly new experience, as up until that point the most complicated motorised vehicle I had so far piloted had been of the bumper-car variety. After a dozen aborted starts, with rather dramatic lurches and stalls, I gave up and switched to a moped to carry on.

Apparantly, I had managed to pull a rather impressive wheelie on one of the stalled starts. That must have been a sight.

Was living with an ex-motorbike instructor at the time, so after a lot of practice around Wickes car-park, being instructed up to old-school standards (very, VERY tight figure of 8s, having to be able to ride at a very slow walking pace, etc) I took the CBT again and passed it in my sleep.
(Musuko, Mon 8 Jan 2007, 12:16, Reply)

I have failed to finish answering thi...
(The Queen, Mon 8 Jan 2007, 12:12, Reply)

I failed to wake up without a hangover this morning
I was going to be good, what with it being a Sunday night & having work the next day but the following happened:-

I cleaned up after a hard days decorating, ate some tea & at 8.30pm sat down to a pleasant sunday nights TV viewing. I leisurely checked the viewing schedules and my jaw dropped:

BBC 1: Just the two of us (another fucking televised kareoke competition).

BBC 2: Ray Mears survival thingy (I had already seen it & it was desperately dull the first time)

ITV: Soap Opera showdown (who watches this shite? WHO? I demand to know so they can be removed from the gene pool with machetes).

Ch4: Celebrity Big Brother (even having Face from the A-Team is not enough to make me watch this lowest common denominator crap for the bovine masses to gurn over).

Ch5: Dont receive it.

So I had 2 options, put my head in the oven & turn on the gas or go to the pub.
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Mon 8 Jan 2007, 11:57, Reply)

Me steering and brakes failed once....
...so I had to use my head.

Signed, Richy Hammond

oohhhh, couldn't resist
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Mon 8 Jan 2007, 11:53, Reply)

January Fails
I got Dr "important clever japanese man"'s brain trainer for the DS for christmas.

Brilliant. Day 1, aged 31 and brain age of 29. Sweet.
I did the training everyday and then out of the blue, day 9 - brain age 68. Wtf?

As long as it stays low brain age=good i shall be failing. I would rather be shown that all my hard work has retarded my brain by 37 years. Yay.

Failure is in the eye of the beholder.
( bazza van der trance , ooh baby baby, baby baby. Get up on this., Mon 8 Jan 2007, 11:45, Reply)

Enough To Drive You Up The Wall
I passed my driving test on the third attempt like all cool people do. But after failing for the second time my driving instructor told me the following story (which I made him swear on his life was true) on the way home in an attempt to cheer me up.

According to him his worst student ever was a poor kid called Steve whose mother insisted he learn to drive no matter the cost. At the time I was told this story (some years ago) that cost included over 300 lessons and 26 failed driving tests over a period of five years. Apparently after the fifth test my driving instructor (god bless him) actually went to their house and told Steve's mother that some people are just beyond hope and he felt guilty about taking any more money for lessons when he knew, in his heart, Steve was never going pass his test. Nevertheless, his mother insisted he keep taking lessons, and paying for them, sure her son would indeed eventually pass.

Naturally I was flabbergasted by this poor kid, who was taking lessons long before and after I'd learnt and passed. And could only repeatedly stammer "But how????". I mean, surely blind luck would make you fluke it eventually. My driving instructor just shook his head and explained that, no matter what he'd tried and how many times he tried to teach Steve better, every single time Steve had to press his foot on a pedal he had to look down for a second or two to find it and make sure it was the right one!

I have a horrible feeling that somewhere, even today, Steve is busy careering towards a busy junction staring intently at the floor while an examiner mutters prayers under his breath. Poor Steve.
( Gleeballs is mostly made out of chocolate and hate., Mon 8 Jan 2007, 11:44, Reply)

Computer error
In grade eight, I decided to ignore everyone else and concentrate on schoolwork. The end of the year came and I had some pretty high marks. The school unveiled a plaque with all the names of the students who had made the honour roll. My name was missing.

I went to the office to ask why I wasn't up there, and the secretary looked annoyed with me. "Because you failed a course."

I was taken aback. My average was somewhere around 90%. Was my phys ed mark really that low? So I asked what subject I'd failed.

"English," she said.

That's funny, I thought. I quite clearly remember getting 94% in that class (still remember the exact number because of this story). "What grade did I get in English?" I asked her.

She looked at her screen. "Zero."

Huh? You get at least 5% for showing up and knowing the word "hi."

I got her to fix it, but my name was never added to that stupid plank.
(racetraitor has an alibi for, Mon 8 Jan 2007, 11:35, Reply)

Failed?
If we're talking about failing to dump someone (check Kourosism's post), then I failed to dump a nutter psycho girl who turned out to be madder than a hat full of frogs and then decided she was gay (just to add insult to insanity) - Totally fucked my psyche up and it took me 3 years to get my self confidence, sanity and integrity back.

I'm fine now.

Length? She didn't want it, but you can have it ;-)
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Mon 8 Jan 2007, 11:33, Reply)

Bad rep
I worked very briefly as a holiday rep on a Greek Island. I was fired after six weeks. Here is my letter of dismissal verbatim:

"After careful consideration, on the 23 June, I am terminating your employment after a verbal and a written warning.

No improvement has been made in your performance, attitude and execution of your job. The final problems being as follows:

1) Talking guests on your transfer coach that should have been on another coach.
2) Not giving departure times to guests.
3) Not giving good service to guests.
4) Distributing roomings lists late to ----- Hotel.
5) No confirmation of arrivals to ------ Hotel.
6) Not attaching personal photograph to Display Board even after a verbal and written warning.
7) Carefree and sarcastic attitude during welcome meetings.
8) Not reporting the loss of both wing mirrors from the company vehicle.
9) Breaking company regulations by having a relationship with a customer.
10) Not keeping the company uniform in good order [the area manager caught me with the contents of a chocolate-filled croissant Jackson-Pollocked down my front].

Please vacate your premises by tomorrow and return company vehicle keys to the office."
(frankspencer, Mon 8 Jan 2007, 11:29, Reply)

I failed to wipe my bottom properly this morning...
...and now it itches.

I have also failed to successfully scratch my itch by shuffling side to side on my chair as if I'm having a small dance by myself.

...And judging by the horrified look on the girl who I sit facing, she hasn't failed to notice what I'm surrepticiously trying to do.

i HAVE ALSO FAILED TO STOP TYPING MY ANSWER TO qotw EVEN THOUGH i'VE RUN OUT OF THINGS TO SAY.

Bugger, I also failed to notice my caps lock was on for that last bit.

fail scmail. At least I succeeded in living by my motto when answering this QOTW......Aim low, underachieve.
( sneep used to date Freddie Starr's hamster, Mon 8 Jan 2007, 11:26, Reply)

The Easiest Of Tests
I work with a bizarre number of middle aged women who are mostly kind, friendly and generally lovely to be with. With all the love in the world, however, some of them just aren't too bright. This was proved recently when one of them stopped everyone working and announced she had something spooky to show them all. She picked first on lovely Carole, a notable sucker for comedy moments and told her she was going to read her mind. Carole put on her best concentrating face in preparation.
"Think of a country beginning with D." She was told. Carole thought for an embarrassing length of time and then slowly nodded.
"Right, now take the second letter of that country and think of an animal beginning with that letter." Again the agonisingly long pause, followed by a nod.
"Now finally think of what colour those animals are." A quicker nod this time.
With a knowing smile our protaganist pronounced "But you don't get grey elephants in Denmark, Carole. Why did you think of that?"
There were knowing nods around the desks as everybody agreed that they too had thought of the same thing and it was slightly amusing, if not exactly a spooky feat of telepathy. Except Carole of course. Completely missing the fact that her collegue had just read her mind, Carole continued to argue for 10 minutes that "you bloody well do get elephants in Denmark! Carlsberg make a beer called Elephant and they're from Denmark so you must do!". After several minutes of attempted general persuasion and gentle mocking everyone decided it would be better just to give up and agree with her.

It was mildly amusing, but nowhere near as funny as when we all went on our breaks and Carole's daughter joined us for a crafty cigarette. We all gamely tried to surpress our smiles when Carole told her daughter she was going to read her mind, certain that with her tentative, at best, grasp on the 'trick' that she was sure to screw it up.
"Right, love, think of a country beginning with D." She started. Her daughter thought for an even longer time than her mother had and then nodded slowly.
"Right, now take the second letter of that country and think of animal that begins with it." And then we waited. After at least a minute her daughter shook her head.
"I can't think of one!" She said, causing us all to look round in disbelief.
"God! You're showing me up!" Carole said exasperated. "What about elephant?".
Her daughter gave her a puzzled look and pointed out that elephant doesn't begin with a U.
"A U?" Carole said getting frustrated. "What bloody country did you think of?"
"Dublin." She replied.
"Oh." Said Carole, not understanding why we were all howling with laughter at her daughter. "Well, you bloody idiot, you could have had unicorn!" Carole said.

The laughter stopped about ten minutes later. Sorry, Carole, but as much as I like you............FAIL.
( Gleeballs is mostly made out of chocolate and hate., Mon 8 Jan 2007, 11:17, Reply)

Life
I seem to be failing miserably.
(echo3 can't draw (or spell), Mon 8 Jan 2007, 10:37, Reply)

No degree for me.
I accepted a place on a combined science BSc at University of the West of England (Bristol Poly). It allowed me to pick and choose the subject I wanted so I was looking forward to doing three years of organic and inorganic chemistry, biochemistry, molecular biology, etc.

2 weeks before the course was to start they told me it had been cancelled and I'd been given a place on the applied chemical sciences course. I wasn't ready for it, particularly the amount of work needed to come up to speed on physical chemistry. I passed about 80% of the course.

The next year, they invited me to try to Combined Sciences one I'd wanted again, promising that it would definitely, definitely be run this time.

It was, and I was loving it, enjoying my courses, doing well, learning good stuff...until about halfway through the year when it turned out that so many other people had dropped out, transferred course or been kicked off, that I was the only person left on it.

so they told me I was causing too many timetable clashes (like it was MY fault!!!) and that I was being transferred to halfway through the second year of a pure biology degree.

As you can imagine, not having done biology at GCSE or A level and having missed the first year and a half of the course, I had a few problems being dumped into a lecture hall with 150 people I didn't know, using a language I didn't understand to explain the things I was supposed to be learning.

I didn't do too well, failed dismally (as they then put me through half the exams from my own course and half the exams from the biology degree - so they wouldn't have counted towards anything anyway) and didn't bother trying to convince the council to give me a grant for a third year as a fresher.

Mind you, the exams WERE fun. Some of them I went into a room for an exam and as I was the only person on the course, there was me...and three invigilators watching me to make sure I didn't cheat.

In the exams where I knew nothing except my own name, I just scrawled random stuff, asked occasionally for new paper then walked out early looking smug and hopefully scaring the crap out of people who were finding it a bit difficult.
( Afinkawan Yes I can hear you Clem Fandango, Mon 8 Jan 2007, 10:16, Reply)

my friend pee wee
i have a friend named pee wee. he has failed pretty much everything humanly possible. i met him at college where he failed a 2 year course twice, and a one year course once. he also attended another course at a different college and failed that (courses were photography and music). he has trouble understanding simple stuff like how bruce willis appeared in the bevis & butthead movie (he's very slow). we have been told that he is also the worst kisser ever by a girl who has been a little around the block. he is now 24 and still lives with his parents.

i myself have failed to be a good friend to this person as i have posted (just a few of) his misshaps on this website.
(sweatytramp, Mon 8 Jan 2007, 10:03, Reply)