Conan The Barbarian is the greatest film of all time because…
Conan The Barbarian is the greatest film of all time because…

The film opens in a winter scene in what we’re assuming is a Sumerian village in the deep, deep BC’s. The scene is idyllic; Young Conan helps his mother do laundry or something while his seriously badass Dad breaks things. You can tell he is badass because of his badass beard. It’s badass and he is wearing furs.

However, interspersed with this idyllic scene is the onset of an advancing horde whose intention is clear; rape, pillage, plunder. Once Conan’s Dad realises this, he does the only thing a proper badass should do; he grabs his sword and starts slaying horde members as well as their horses. Eventually he is mowed down as the village burns, all of the adults slain and the children taken as slaves.

Before this, however, Conan’s seriously hot Mother grabs a sword and attempts to protect Conan from James Earl Jones, heretofore known as Falsa Doom. Even though she is both severely hot and badass, Falso Doom decapitates her whilst Conan watches. There’s even a slo-mo of his Mothers decapitated head falling as Conan watches and her hand slides from his. It’s completely awesome.

We cut to the children being marched across the steppes or plains or whatever until they reach a mill of sorts. It’s wicked windy and the thing could probably be run by wind power but this is not important as what follows next can only be described as completely awesome. The children are tied to the mill and ordered to turn it by a 6ft 6” version of Gimley from LOTR and a time lapse sequence of probably 5-7 years occurs as Conan gets fucking huge. Arnie had just won his millionth Mr. Universe competition and was freakishly large.

As Conan reaches the pinnacle of his hugeness, Giant Gimley cuts his bonds and takes him out on the prehistoric ultimate fighting circuit. At first, Conan is timid and he takes a whuppin’ but realising taking a whuppin’ means getting dead, he gets his arse in gear and puts a kimura on a dude so bad, he smashes his fucking arm off. It is, quite frankly, completely awesome.

Giant Gimley starts to really dig Conan and treats him like a son insofar as he would send his own son out to fight to the death whilst he eats chicken. Eventually though, he gets him Ninja lessons and Conan becomes a serious badass with a sword just like his Father. Giant Gimleys affection is finally confirmed however over desert BBQ one evening when Giant Gimley asks all present, “What is best in life?”

Various badasses come up with nonsense about eagles soaring over plains and fine wine and such but Giant Gimley is having none of it so he asks Conan.

And in an Oscar worthy performance, Conan says (correctly), “Crush your enemies. See them driven before you and hear the lamentations of their women” in a near flawless Sumerian (Austrian) accent.

The next morning, Giant Gimley sets Conan free. Well, free insofar as his chains are cut but he is still bound in them and he’s being chased by murderous looking dogs. He jumps into a cave and discovers the throne of Krom. Cue flashback – Conans Father explaining to him ‘The Riddle Of Steel’ and how Krom is his God. It’s total gibberish but it doesn’t matter. Conan cuts his binds with Kroms sword and heads off into his new life.

Along the way, he meets a tiny oriental looking fellow who trains him in the art of thievery and survival and such. They get mashed drunk, have a grand old time and whilst pissing himself laughing at a dude fucking a camel, Conan knocks the camel out with one punch. It’s awesome.

Meanwhile, more and more pilgrims are arriving in the town in which they find themselves. They have come to worship Conan’s nemesis; Falsa Doom. Falsa Doom has a giant snake protecting a diamond the size of a basketball to which he sacrifices willing virgins in his temple. Conan and his mate decide to steal it.

As they are climbing into Falsa Dooms castle, they discover a hot badass blonde chick with a sword with a similar plan. Rather than neutralise each other, they collaborate. They pull the heist off but not without some glitches. Conan has to kill the giant snake and yer wan has to pretend to be a virgin. The giant snake is about the thickness of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s torso and 50 feet long or so. For a film made in 1980 something, the animatronics are not rubbish. They are however, no match for Conan.

So the three of them set about having a jolly old time on their winnings as they cross the country in pursuit of more and more jolly old times but Conan’s thirst for revenge appears unsated as his path seems to be leading him once again to Falsa Doom.

Having made camp on the coast nearby with his two allies, they befriend a wizard played brilliantly by the Japanese actor; Mako’ (he was in Tora! Tora! Tora! You know!).

Conan then infiltrates the pilgrims in order to see Falsa Doom speak but he is spotted by one of Falsa’s henchmen and taken captive. After some torturing and lecturing in a shoddy attempt at a wholly unnecessary plot twist, they crucify him. For several days, Conan hangs on ‘The Tree Of Woe’ (for that is its name) whilst vultures attempt to gnaw at his flesh. Conan battles even then, biting vultures and sucking their blood when they rest on his shoulder.

Eventually, his little oriental bud arrives and rescues him. The wizard attempts to heal him but Conan must first do battle with the spirits. They tether his body to the ground and paint him with cuneiform lettering. As the spirits arrive to take him to death, blonde chick tries to fight them off and unwittingly saves him by promising her own life for his in a fit of devotion.

When Conan awakes, he is resolved to take on Falsa Doom once and for all. You can probably guess the rest.

Now, whilst most of this summary has detailed the plot, there is much more yet to speak of. Conan’s screenplay was written by Oliver Stone and John Milius had a hand in both its direction and production. Conan The Barbarian stood alone as a comic book/graphic novel long before the film and is thus one of the first ever ‘comic book movies’ thus trailblazing a now promulgated genre.

It is beautifully shot, the costumes, swordplay and acting is excellent. James Earl Jones is a thoroughly convincing bad guy despite an utterly appalling hairdo. His bloodless expression and his eyes were piercing pools of blue in his youth - utterly hypnotic. Not to mention, THAT voice! If you look up the pics from the film, you will also notice his two henchmen look like Lemmy (of Motorhead) and Bruce Dickinson (of Iron Maiden). (It’s not them though – shame).

So, see this film and do not judge it as an Arnie flick – it is so much more and Arnie, pre-superstardom is brilliant in it.

Apologies for my use of Merkin-style phraseology like ‘badass’ and ‘awesome!!!’ but these words are completely accurate in this case.

Other bonuses include a smashing set of boobies or two.

Admittedly, this film is not for girls.

rafter!
baz

EDIT: Conan The Destroyer is shit as is Red Sonia. They sully the masterpiece that is 'Barbarian'.
(bazmorningstar efil4nat3b, Thu 17 Jul 2008, 16:30, 6 replies)

Not for girls?! Rubbish!
It sounds like I'd love it!
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Thu 17 Jul 2008, 16:45, closed)

@Empress BobFossil
cool! Enjoy!
(bazmorningstar efil4nat3b, Thu 17 Jul 2008, 16:49, closed)

I don't think the movie was directly based on the comic,
both were based on the Robert E. Howard stories.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Thu 17 Jul 2008, 17:27, closed)

@apeloverage
are any of them? (movies based directly on comics/books). Is that not a moot criticism?


*adopts defending favourite film to death stance*
(bazmorningstar efil4nat3b, Thu 17 Jul 2008, 17:29, closed)

WRT arnies freakish size
Arnie was so fucking pumped after winning Mr Universe so many times and utterly destroying Lou Ferrigno's (The Incredible Hulk) confidence that he couldn't actually rotate his shoulders sufficiently to weild his sword, so he had to lose about a stone or two of muscle just to be able to do the fight scenes.

So if you watch it, and you think, my god that is a man with big bad ass muscles, then just think, he used to be a lot bigger.
(Bazongaloid, Thu 17 Jul 2008, 17:30, closed)

Conan!
I love this film and i'm a girl :)
(The Ginger Penguin la la la la la la, Thu 17 Jul 2008, 17:37, closed)