Old Lady Wax
Rachel was a near blind old woman who used to push a mop around the workshop in a vain attempt to keep the place clean. She was a nice enough old bird, but was a bit 'odd'. As she was 'optically challenged', she had a digital watch that spoke the time in a Stephen Hawking type voice when she pushed a button on the front.

One day she asked me if I would help her out by replacing the battery on the watch as it had run out and Stephen wouldn't tell her the time any more. She lacked the dexterity, knowledge and eyesight to do the job herself and was getting a bit upset about it. Being a nice chap I agreed, after all, how hard could it be?

She took the watch off and handed it to me with a happy smile on her face. Then I looked down and saw what I'd let myself in for...

You know when you've been wearing a watch for a while, some sort of residue builds up on the back and around the screws? Well imagine that, but about 10 years old and 1/4" deep. The whole back of the watch was brown with the stuff. It was caked over the straps and creeping around the edges of the face. I had to scrape the smelly, waxy crap off to find the screws holding the back on. It stuck to everything that came into contact with it and stank of stale sweat and cat piss.

I replaced the battery as quick as I could and resisted the temptation to dunk the watch into the solvents that I'd used to clean my tools. I ended up cleaning the whole watch as it looked odd with chunks of the coating scraped away. The stale odour stayed on my fingers though several OCD-like scrubbing sessions and my lunch made several bids for freedom as I discovered bits of the gunk under my fingernails.

Rachel came back the next day and was delighted to see (or rather hear) her watch working again. She was obviously impressed by my efforts, because she brought her spare talking watch (complete with fresh old lady wax) in for battery replacement a couple of days later.
(Bad Monkey hasn't had an abusive gaz since, Tue 7 Feb 2012, 22:30, 2 replies)

*sicks a bit*
*also clicks*
(mr-lizard Hell's teeth man!, Wed 8 Feb 2012, 2:14, closed)

Perhaps there's a small market for old woman grease,
it may have superb insulative properties or something.
( Infidel , shit and wrong, Wed 8 Feb 2012, 2:29, closed)