Got time for a pea-roast?
The first rude thing I saw was an illustrated copy of Janet and John. The one where John goes to the Haberdasher's.

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In the Haberdashery shop

Chapter One

It was a bright and breezy morning in May and just one week until the big historic re-enactment on the river. John was ever so excited, he had re-painted his punt and Janet was hard at work on his wonderful costume.

“John,” said Janet, “there are a few things I need you to buy for me so that I can finish off your costume. Would you go to the haberdashery for me?”

“Yes of course I will.” said John, “That’s the little shop owned by Mrs Briskett isn’t it?”

“Well, she’s Mrs Douglas now,” said Janet, “she can only be in her mid 40s, but she’s already been widowed twice and has just got married again. Funny how all her husbands have been much older than her…and rich.”

“Well,” said John, “she’s got a jolly nice shop. All those little drawers full of ribbons and bows, it’s ever so gay.” and off he went.


Chapter Two

Tinkle went the little bell over the door as John pushed it open.

“Good morning Mrs Douglas,” said John, “isn’t it a lovely day today?”

“Oh yes,” said Mrs Douglas brightly, “and not only that, but it’s my birthday today!”

“Oh, happy birthday,” said John, “did you get any nice presents?”

“Oh yes,” said Mrs Douglas smiling, “my husband really rose to the occasion this morning. He bought me a case of Chateau Lafite from the year I was born. I’ve just opened a bottle and it’s got bags of plum and blackcurrant notes, as well as a very pleasing oaky finish. Would you like a glass?”

“Thank you very much Mrs Douglas,” said John, “but it’s a little early for me, perhaps later. Anyway, I’ve got a list here of things that Janet needs to finish my costume. I’m taking part in the big re-enactment next week.”

“Right, well,” said Mrs Douglas, “we’d better see what you need. I’ve got a feeling there will be lots of other boatmen coming for bits and pieces for their costumes today. Is your punt ready?”

“I should say,” said John, “I spent all last weekend re-painting it, it looks a treat. My pole looks a little worse for wear though.”

“Well,” said Mrs Douglas, “my husband has got a big jar of linseed oil in his shed. You can come and use it any time you like. Now, what’s first on your list?”

“Right,” said John, “first off is a 12” zip. I’ve brought my collapsible ruler with me, to make sure I get the right one. Last time Janet was cross because I got the wrong one.”

“Ok then,” said Mrs Douglas, “I’ll just reach up here and get the get the box down. You get your ruler out ready.” Mrs Douglas fetched down the box of zips and put it down on the counter, but as she did so she gave a little shriek. “Oh my goodness John, just look in here.” she said.

John leaned over the counter and peered into the box of zips. Inside was a small white mouse.

“That’s my pet mouse,” said Mrs Douglas, picking him up and holding him against her cheek, “I call him ‘Wee Timorous Beestie’ as I’m a Rabbie Burns fan.”

“Gosh, I wonder how he got in there.” said John, “I’ve found the zip I need by the way”

“My,” said Mrs Douglas, “I do like that folding ruler of yours, I must get one. Now, what’s next on the list?”

“Right,” said John, “I need some bright red material, preferably something smooth, and some buttons.”

“Ok,” said Mrs Douglas, “come over here to this cabinet behind the counter and I’ll show you what we’ve got. Here we are, you can choose whatever you like from this drawer, I’m going to get on with sewing up the hem on these slacks. My niece and nephew came over yesterday and the stitches came undone when they were fishing in the rock-pools at low tide.” John started looking through the pieces of material when suddenly Mrs Douglas sighed loudly.

“What’s the matter Mrs Douglas?” asked John.

“I’ve dropped my sewing under the counter John,” said Mrs Douglas, “would you be a dear and pick it up for me?”

“Ok,” said John as he ducked down under the counter. He reached for the sewing but there was something in the way. It was the nets that Mrs Douglas’ niece and nephew had been using the day before. John had to squeeze between them to reach the sewing. “Phew, these really smell of the sea don’t they?” he said.

“Yes,” said Mrs Douglas, “we had a lot of fun yesterday.”

“What are all these boxes Mrs Douglas?” asked John.

“Well John,” said Mrs Douglas, “I’m starting a new mail-order business and I need to get all these catalogues put into envelopes and boxed up before lunchtime. I could really do with a hand. If we do these quickly I’ll fetch my very special buttons for you.”

“Ok,” said John, “no problem. Why don’t you put the catalogues into the envelopes and I’ll sit down here on this little stool and seal them up?”

“Oh thank you so much John,” said Mrs Douglas, “I’ll be ever so grateful.”

“Goodness Mrs Douglas,” said John, “what on earth is this on the floor?”

“Ha ha!” she laughed, “my nephew must have left that with his net. It’s one of his stuffed toys, hasn’t it got a funny tail and big teeth.”

“Yes it has,” said John. After a few minutes of hard work, he said, “Right, I’ve sealed all of these envelopes and put them in the boxes. Now for the buttons, do you have any brass ones?”

“Oh yes,” said Mrs Douglas, as she heaved the heavy boxes full of catalogues up onto the counter-top “I can help you there. See all these brass buttons in this box over here with anchors on them? This very special one is from an admiral’s jacket, some are from a captain’s jacket and the rest are from some sailors I met when I used to work in a bar in Portsmouth. The Royal Navy chaps were always ever so kind to me. You just help yourself to what you want”

“Right, well,” said John a few minutes later, “I’ve got the zip, chosen some material and found my buttons, I’d better pay you and get these things back to Janet.”

“Well, as a reward for helping me with the catalogues, I’d like to show you my other birthday present.” said Mrs Douglas, “You can see them from here, see, through this side window. There, what do you think?” said Mrs Douglas, pointing at a bee-hive. “My husband bought me three dozen bees and I’ve already collected the first crop of honey. Would you like to try some?”

“Yes please Mrs Douglas,” said John. He dipped his finger into the proffered jar and tried some of the honey, “mmm, it’s delicious.” he said.

“Now we need to get all these boxes out of the way. Would you come through to the back room and bring these boxes with you please?” she asked.

See John carry the heavy boxes through to the back room, he’s puffing a bit because they are so heavy.

“I didn’t really want to carry all these up to the post office on my birthday,” groaned Mrs Douglas, “and my husband isn’t really up to the job and anyway, he’s always tinkering in his workshop. I really can’t think what I ever saw in him.” she complained loudly.

“Are you talking about me dear?” said Mr Douglas, coming into the room, “what on earth is all the fuss about?”

“Oh, nothing,” said Mrs Douglas, “don’t you worry about a thing.” she sighed.

“Well, while I’m here, have you seen that watch I was fixing?” he said, “I’ve found my special watch-makers instrument, but can’t find the watch.”

“Yes, here it is dear,” said Mrs Douglas, passing him an old pocket-watch.

“Darn,” said Mr Douglas, “now the nut at the end of my instrument is jammed. Could you loosen it for me please my dear?”

“Ok, pass it over here,” said Mrs Douglas. She tried loosening the nut with her fingers but it was too tight, so she held it between her teeth and turned it until it was free. “There you go, now I’ll see you later.” she said as he went back to his workroom.

“God, he is so useless!” complained Mrs Douglas, “next time I might go for someone a little younger, he is so much hard work.”

John blushed a bit and he was starting to sweat under the strain of the boxes, “Here you are Mrs Douglas,” he said, putting the boxes into her arms, “I really must be going now.”

“Wow, these are a lot heavier than I thought,” she said, her biceps bulging, “I must get to the gym more often. Anyway, you run along John, don’t forget we’ve got linseed oil if you need it.”

“Thanks Mrs Douglas,” said John as he dashed back to the front of the shop and out of the door, “I won’t.”


Chapter Three

“Where on earth did you get to John?” said Janet as John rushed through the door.

“Well,” said John, taking a deep breath, “when I got to Mrs Douglas’ shop, she told me I was the first punter of the day. Her husband had given her a very fruity ’69 that morning because it was her birthday, and she asked me if I wanted to try it. Then she reached for my zip and discovered the Wee Beastie inside, she seemed a bit surprised and nuzzled it against her cheek. She was very impressed by my fully extended 12-incher and when she invited me behind the counter to rummage in her red satin drawers, she dropped her trousers. She asked me to duck down under the counter and I got my head between her fish-nets, it smelt a bit fishy down there but we both had a giggle about her funny beaver. I was going to get up but she said that if I licked her flaps she’d show me her special button. She told me she liked seamen a lot and showed me her 36 bees, and said I could put my finger in her honey-pot. After I’d licked my finger she took me inside and started moaning and her husband came in for a watch. He seemed a bit upset but she tried fingering his nuts then put his little tool in her mouth and that cheered him up a bit. When he’d gone she started moaning again and then relieved me of my load. That made her gasp and she clenched her muscles but I think she was fairly pleased with me because she said I could come round anytime and oil my pole.”

What do you think Janet is going to do with those pinking shears? I hope John’s got enough energy left to run away.
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Mon 15 Aug 2011, 13:24, 14 replies)

Is this a masterclass
in how not to do innuendo?
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Mon 15 Aug 2011, 13:37, closed)

Terry Wogan
Would be proud...
(Kliper Filllets Getting noticed by twats on the internet since, Mon 15 Aug 2011, 14:03, closed)

Terry Wogan is a boring cunt
his radio show was tedious to the fucking extreme.

Even listening to it once was bad, but it was exactly the same every fucking day.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 15 Aug 2011, 15:30, closed)

^This
^this ^this ^this ^this ^this ^this ^this ^this ^this ^this ^this

Boring and insufferably in love with the sound of his own voice.
( .Yeti. El amor en los tiempos del cólera, Tue 16 Aug 2011, 11:52, closed)

old terry wogan jokes are punishable by death.

( janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Mon 15 Aug 2011, 15:29, closed)

Terry Wogan may have been bad
but Chris Evans is just a cock.

And a patronising cock at that.
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Mon 15 Aug 2011, 16:40, closed)

Mind you,
I'd rather be spit roasted by Wogan and Evans than listen to Chris Moyles.
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Mon 15 Aug 2011, 16:41, closed)

You could arrange it for the next Comic Relief.

(The Luggage is haunted..., Mon 15 Aug 2011, 18:46, closed)

I'm not sure 'Relief' would be the right word
...for anyone involved.
( ousgg is not seeking approval, Mon 15 Aug 2011, 19:57, closed)

Christ, it's like the Singularity
except with crap innuendoes instead of processing power.
(Falstaff's Spiritual Successor, Mon 15 Aug 2011, 21:59, closed)

Explain why I liked this?

(CactusZack Shaved his coin purse on, Tue 16 Aug 2011, 1:46, closed)

Mental retardation?

( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Tue 16 Aug 2011, 9:26, closed)

That
made me giggle at work. =/
(MeZ, Tue 16 Aug 2011, 17:03, closed)

I really
liked this. Like an extended edition of 'Finbar Saunders'
( Funkenschlag still likes dogs more than cats, Tue 16 Aug 2011, 19:39, closed)