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This is a question B3TA fixes the world

Moon Monkey says: Turn into Jeremy Clarkson for a moment, and tell us about the things that are so obviously wrong with the world, and how they should be fixed. Extra points for ludicrous over-simplification, blatant mis-representation, and humourous knob-gags.

(, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 12:53)
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A nice round 20
1. All cars to be replaced by the ones from Bugsy Malone. The current car manufacturers can continue to come up with beautiful looking cars, they're just powered by the occupants.
2. Asylum can only be granted at the British Consulate in your current country of residence.
3. The current dreary National Anthem will be replaced by 'If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands.'
4. When England play New Zealand at Rugby after the Haka[sp?] we give them 3 verses of ‘Heads, shoulders, knees and toes’. Spectator participation is mandatory.
5. Those who actively participate in criminality are declared ‘outlaws’ and therefore have no protection from it. Therefore giving an outlaw a hefty boot in the goolies is perfectly legal.
6. The NHS is to be only available to those who pay into it.
7. All phone numbers are recorded for television contests. If you phone more than once your vote no longer counts but you are still charged.
8. Anyone who wants to be a politician is automatically banned from becoming one. MP’s are picked randomly from the population and have a 2 year contract.
9. Carrying on from the above, motions put before the house (phnarr) have to be in the form of closed questions. It is discussed in the same day then they vote on it.
10. All electrical goods should have a proper ‘off’ switch. Manufacturers who have a red light on to tell you it’s off have to pay a hefty fine.
11. Live outdoor broadcasters have to tell dickheads in the background ‘waving at mum’ to ‘fuck off’ live on air.
12. ASBO’s are replaced with a 3 year tour in the army.
13. You can’t get onto the beach until you can put a deckchair together in under 8 seconds.
14. Only bright colours are allowed at funerals.
15. The National Curriculum is to be replaced with ‘The Dangerous Book for Boys’.
16. Anyone over 65 is not allowed out between 12pm and 3pm.
17. Unlucky people are not allowed to sue for compensation.
18. The BBC news/weather is only delivered from the studio and newsreaders wear evening dress damn it.
19. Bailed out banks cannot pay bonuses to employees, or dividends to investors till they have paid back to the taxpayers what they owe.
20. TitanLX is banned from reading the Daily Mail.
(, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 16:05, closed)
19. Bailed out banks cannot pay bonuses to employees, or dividends to investors till they have paid back to the taxpayers what they owe.
Click
(, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 16:17, closed)
16. Anyone over 65 is not allowed out between 12pm and 3pm
but with the following provisos;

shopping is delivered ON TIME and not by that thicko Chav from the scumbag housing estate with the druggies den.

Everyone else clears the streets so that I can take my car out and NOT get arrested for the ludicrous tyre-smoke it can make on takeoff.

Anyone under 40 is prevented from drinking during those same hours but with the proviso that anyone failing a breath test is sent home immediately and can't then spill over into the 'tosser time' of 1900 to 2300.

After 0230 if you make a noise louder than a 'fuckme giggle' outside my window I'm perfectly entitled to dump a bucket of water on your heads.

:-)
(, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 16:19, closed)
12. ASBO’s are replaced with a 3 year tour in the army.
Click
(, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 16:31, closed)
7. All phone numbers are recorded for television contests. If you phone more than once your vote no longer counts but you are still charged.
Surely that should read "If you phone more than once you will be culled for the good of society", no?
(, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 17:16, closed)
4. When England play New Zealand at Rugby after the Haka[sp?] we give them 3 verses of ‘Heads, shoulders, knees and toes’. Spectator participation is mandatory.
Yes.

Wales tried singing Mae Hen Wlad Fy Nhadau in 1905 and, while that was a great idea and caught on, it didn't shut the fucking Kiwi-molestors up with their elbow-waving tongue display, so maybe your idea would.
(, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 18:17, closed)
I Always enjoy watching Richard Cockrell squaring up to Norm Hewitt
www.youtube.com/watch?v=FfX5G3jIXWQ
(, Fri 23 Sep 2011, 20:55, closed)
Clicked for faultless logic
Well done.
(, Fri 23 Sep 2011, 12:39, closed)
12. ASBO’s are replaced with a 3 year tour in the army.
Fuck that, the last thing I'd have wanted on tour was a chav stood next to me watching my back.
(, Sat 24 Sep 2011, 14:16, closed)

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