Once on a medical work experience thing
my group was being shown about autopsy procedure, Our cadaver for the day was a young lad in an orange anorak that had died after being hit by a car or something of that ilk. Sadly my mouth opened and the words "Oh my god, they killed Kenny" slipped out. Silence and lots of glaring at me. Straight to hell then?
( The Doctor Why is it big and why is there grass?, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 22:40, Reply)

Norfolk Broads
My mate JW went on a two week boating holiday on the Norfolk Broads with his girlfriend, mum & dad, an auntie and both of his grandmothers. Because the interior walls of the narrowboat were paper thin, he and the gf decided to self-impose a nookie ban for fear of embarrassing all the wrinklies, but by the end of the first week, he was absolutely gagging for it.

Imagine then his delight at waking up very early Sunday morning to find the boat absolutely silent – woo!, yay! and hoopla! A damn good shagging ensued after which the boat was still completely silent, so they do it all over again, with a little more gusto.

After dispensing a weeks worth of baby glue, JW pops to the galley for a post-coital drink and notices, in horror, through the galley window two things;

i) His entire family sat in awkward silence on the riverbank having breakfast.

ii) The mini-tsunami of tidal waves from the bonking still hadn’t settled down.


Made the second week a bit awkward.
( Linbox has a serious dunk habit, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 8:39, Reply)

I knew a guy once who suffered an accident.
he lost the bottom part of his leg and some of his fingers, burnt face, etc. he had an electric wheelchair bought for him and he scooted round to my house and the first thing my dad said was

"blimey that must have cost an arm and a leg"
(Jimmaw, Tue 20 Apr 2004, 22:43, Reply)

One time,
I had been commentating on a rather important football (soccer) match.

After the match, I was having a little drink with my fellow commentator type, and I called a black fella a "Fuckin* Lazy Nigge*", as you do.

Unfortunately, I still had the mic in my hand, pressed to my lips, with the red light still blazing away. I had broadcast to the whole of the Middle East! Whoopsie!

I always knew I had a wrick in me somewhere. I should get those kind of comments out early doors. No way I can lollipop myself out of this.
( Nikfuf Eetr Northern Midlander, Thu 22 Apr 2004, 11:15, Reply)

This is one my mum said while out shopping.
Just as she was finishing her shopping and made her way home, she got stopped by a Big Issue seller. Seeing that the guy only had 1 copy left in his hand, she agreed to buy and said "Oh that's your last one, you can go home now!".

Mum's are stupid.
(Beaston, Tue 20 Apr 2004, 23:06, Reply)

Tell-tale scrapings
I did a degree in experimental pathology and in the early days of the course we had to take scrapings from the inside of the cheek and examine them under the microscope. One of the girls noticed that there were "tadpoles" swimming around in her cheek cell sample. It was semen from a blowjob she had given that morning.
( blindmelon, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 23:21, Reply)

Outwitted by pissed mates...
We were sat in the pub having one of those drunken conversations about the best comedy shows of all time. About half a dozen of us banging on about all sorts when someone mentions Rik Mayall and Ade Edmonson and 'The Young Ones' and 'Bottom'. At this point Andrew leaves the group to fetch his mate Dave who, he informs me, is apparently a huge fan of the latter. Anyway we're all drunkenly doing impressions and quotes from the show when Andrew returns with Dave in tow. Everyone knows Dave except me so Andrew introduces us and sits down. There's an awkward silence so I say "I hear you like 'Bottom', Dave?" to which everyone except Dave howls with laughter.

The bastards didn't tell me he was gay.
(R. Jimlad twitter.com/sirmarkymark, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 16:33, Reply)

Shamed into confession....
Having posted earlier about one of my wife's (many)faux pas, I am now forced to confess to one of my own.....I'll never hear the end of it if I don't....come to think of it, I've never heard the end of it anyway....

About 10 years ago, my younger brother turned up at our house unannounced, to show off his new girlfriend, Carole. Whilst reasonably pleasing to the eye, it soon became all too apparent that she had the IQ of a lawn sprinkler and the charisma of a burning orphanage....

As we all sat there struggling to fill those awkward silences, I noticed that amongst the many necklaces she was wearing, was one with a gold letter 'D' on. As we had already learned her name was Carole - and my brother's name begins with an S - I thought "Aha! A perfect opportunity to open up new lines of communication....."

Obviously, during the five minutes or so we'd spent in her company, I had somehow managed to put my brain in neutral (must have been infectious), whilst leaving my mouth very firmly in gear....conversation went as follows:
Me: If your name is Carole, how come you have a gold 'D' on a chain round your neck?
Carloe: That was for my last boyfriend...he was killed in a car accident....
Me: Oh. So, 'D' for Dead, eh....?

Strangely, the romance didn't last....although to this day, whenever anybody in the family has an outbreak of foot-in-mouth, it is referred to as a 'D for Dead' moment.
(Desolation Angel, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 15:32, Reply)

At school, we had a
new Maths teacher one day, and I'm attempting to point out to my friends at the back of the class what saggy tits she has. I've mouthed this a few times with the internationally recognised hand gesture for saggy tits. They don't have a clue what I'm going on about so I raise my voice above the general noise of the classroom a tad. At that instant, for a reason I shall never know the class goes silent, leaving me shouting "She's got saggy tits!" with her staring at me. Bugger.

This other one wasn't me. A friend took her daughter to the dentist, and was sitting in the silent waiting room. After a few minutes a black guy walks in and sits down. Daughter nudges mother and asks in a loud voice "Mummy, what's that monkey doing in here ?". Apparently, she swept her into her arms and rushed out.
(Redbull_(UK) pfffft, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 9:21, Reply)

Licking Out / French Kissing.
As a young and hopelessly naive teenager I'd heard many friends refer to 'Licking Out'. Having no idea what this referred to but assuming tongues where involved - I equated the phrase with 'French Kissing.'

Anyway months later my Dad took me and my little brother to pick up my older step-sister from the train station for her regular visit. As usual we immediately got chatting in the car on the way home.

"So!" she said "Who do you fancy at school then?"

Understandably curious, my Dad's ears pricked up as he drove us home.

"Well," I replied, "there's this girl in English called Sally... I'd lick her out."

The car swerved suddenly toward the pavement and then back again.

Pretending ignorance after a very long silence my sister then said:

"Have you seen Ghostbusters? It's great."

It was only years later this event came to make any sense to me.
(microsaulxp, Thu 22 Apr 2004, 17:57, Reply)

Look - no hands!
A few years ago at work I went to meet some new clients. There were about 5 people in the room I hadn't met so I went round the table shaking hands with them. I went to shake one guys hand and too late I realised that he didn't actually have one - he had a sort of stump/proto-hand affair just off his elbow.

So I shook that instead.

Both of us knew it was weird. I certainly don't think I heard a word anyone said for the rest of them meeting - I just kept thinking "WHY DID YOU SHAKE THE STUMP!!!??? WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST WAVE OR SOMETHING??".

In retrospect though I think it was actually right for me to treat him the same as everyone else. But it still felt weird....
(zootius, Thu 22 Apr 2004, 13:50, Reply)

I guess I should dob my wife in...
... she was working as a hairdresser in Brisbane (Oz) and a lady with three kids in tow asked to make an appointment for a perm and a trim for her hubby. My wife asked for her name and was told "Mrs Kuntz" - pronounced the same as you know what, and yes, you can guess how my wife wrote it down...
Mrs Kuntz saw what was written and loudly spelled her name for my wife’s' benefit - my wife being extremely embarrassed blurted out "Oh..okay..sorry." Looks at the three kids and says "Will you be bringing the little Kuntz with you?"
The woman complained but my wife’s' employer thought it was dead funny and didn't sack her.
(emadex thinks the world will end on, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 16:25, Reply)

When I was in my first year at University in Liverpool
I used to go fairly regularly to a RAWK club called the Krazy House. One Friday night, in something of a stupor, I was weaving my way through the bar and felt myself bump into someone. I turned around and saw a girl on the floor that I'd knocked over. Being a "perfect gentleman", I went to pick her up, whereupon she started screaming and shouting at me to put her back down again. Behind her, I could see a neatly folded up wheelchair. Looking down slowly, it became horrifyingly apparent to me that she didn't have any legs.

I placed her gently back on the ground very very carefully, and continued on my merry way. It wasn't until the next morning that it all came back to me, but fortunately my friends had seen it all and were more than happy to continually remind me of it for the next couple of years or so.
( 100% of Gibbon, Tue 20 Apr 2004, 23:34, Reply)

Tricky situation.
My warehouse supervisor at Morrisons is cross-eyed, some sort of condition I don't care to know the name of. Two of us were standing together awaiting further instructions. When he gave them I asked who he was talking to since we were both holding an eye's eye contact each.

"You" he said...as if this made things clearer. I walked a couple of metres away from my mate and said, "ask us again." I wish I hadn't have done this...

Incidentally he was talking to me.
( mike woz ere 7442200 & 7696970 getter, Tue 20 Apr 2004, 22:39, Reply)

Hmm
While out doing military maneuvers, we used to ask disgusting questions to each other for laughs. I decided to join in and ask our new medic the following:

Me: Hey doc, would you rather shag your mom or blow your dad off?
Everybody: (laughing)
Doc: (crying) My moms dead!
Everybody: (total silence)
after a few secs...
Me: So I guess you'd blow your dad then.

Im going to hell.
( Well, not quite Will be nice for food, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 18:42, Reply)

Man in Motion
Not me, but...

I was at a wedding reception and people were dancing, including a guy in a wheelchair. The 'Mobile DJ' was playing John Parr's 'Man in Motion' and he stopped the record and said, 'That was John Parr's 'Man in Motion' and we've got our own man in motion: man in a wheelchair. He's had the nerve to get up and have a dance. Give him a round of applause.’

Total silence.

Followed by the sight of the guy wheeling himself off the dance floor.
( chobb ,ø¤ºGREATº¤ø,¸¸,ø¤ºRAPISTº¤ø,¸¸,ø¤ºRECOMMENDEDº¤ø, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 15:04, Reply)

Burger King kind of social gaffe thing
I was once in Burger King, at the back of the queue trying to work out what I wanted from the menu. Unfortunately I didn't have my glasses on so I couldn't see too well.

Luckily I knew the eye-focusing trick of squinting, putting your fingers into the corners of your eyes and pulling them outwards (Try it, it works).

I was standing in this pose reading the menu completely oblivious to the Chinese family walking towards me after having purchased their meals. They assumed I was some twat taking the piss, but I got away with a dirty look.

The shame.
( izb posting occasional messages since 2001, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 12:46, Reply)

Raspberry Ripple
Oh my godfathers - this is so embarrassing. Where do I start?

Look, I'll confess. I was in the civil service, looking after sixty million pounds worth of beef for the Department of Agriculture. It involved sitting in an office adding up endless columns of numbers written in brown ink on blue paper. Brown on blue, those were the rules, and God forbid that you used another colour. The boredom was crushing. We had to do something.

We were joined one day by Penny, a very, very niced middle-aged woman who tirelessly campaigned for childrens' charities, all dinner parties and choral evenings. Bored out of our skulls, and our consciences pricked, we enthusiastically offered to join her. All of us. At once.

She encouraged us to collect money in a series of sponsored events, which had the impressive side effect of thrusting myself and the lovely Mrs Duck together, and I'm pretty proud to say that we raised the best part of two and a half thousand of your English pounds, all in loose change. The top people at Action Research were seriously impressed with our efforts and said they were going to send someone up to collect the money, which was sitting in a wheelbarrow in the corner of our office.

They also suggested "Why not get a local celebrity and the local press involved? Good publicity for everybody and you'll look oh-so-good in front of your friends and family." They even sent up one of those oversized cheques to hand over in a blaze of glory.

The Reading Evening Post turned up, as did some goon from the Department's internal newsletter, who would put us on page 16 after fifteen pages of Stalin-esque praise of the His Holiness the Chief Executive. On the celebrity front we got the captain of Reading Football Club, who turned up in a most impressive pink and black Top Man jumper.

Poor, sweet Penny, she didn't stand a chance.

You see, she was of a certain age with a certain innocent humour; while we were of that certain other age that takes the piss all the time. We were collecting for the innocently named Action Research for the Crippled Child charity (now, in this PC age where we're not allowed to mention these things, called Action! Medical Research in the same way that The Spastics Society is now called Scope). We callow youths, being the sick bastards that we were called the whole money-making thing "The Raspberry Club". Cockney rhyming slang. Raspberry ripple - cripple. If it was good enough for Ian Dury...

Someone told Penny. She didn't get it.

"So, does your club have a name?" asked Ms Evening Post.

"Nnnnng...." said my boss, knowing exactly what was coming next, but powerless to stop it.

"Fvvvvvvvvvv...!" I said, making a break for the door, but held back by sheer weight of numbers.

"Why yes! We're the Raspberry club" said poor innocent Penny.

"Pfffffffffffffffffffffffft," we all say trying gamely to hold in the shock, despair and laughter.

Mr Reading FC captain was not so tactful.

"Mua haha haaaaaaaaaaaRgh! Raspberry Ripple!!!"

You could still hear him laughing as he left, ten floors below.

"What?" asked Penny, "Did I make a joke?"

It made page six of the Evening Post, picture, full write-up, the works; and the letters page for several weeks afterwards.

_______________________________

I also met a rather *coff* attractive former work colleague at Paddington Station as couple of years after she went off and got a new job.

"When's the baby due?" I asked pointing to the rather obvious bulge.

"I'm not pregnant," she replied.

AAAAARGH! How was I to know it was pie retention?
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 11:37, Reply)

President of Malta
My brother's girlfriend is Maltese and her parents had been invited to the President's ball to be feted with Ferrero Rocher. When they arrived a man approached and her mum gave him her coat, thinking it was the cloakroom attendent. It wasn't. It was the President of their country. Bless him.
(wattoo, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 13:49, Reply)

Beat This ...
7 years ago, I was having Christmas dinner round at the house of some close family friends, and there were a couple of extra guests who I'd never met before.

Anyway I cracked the Alzheimer's joke:
Doctor : I'm sorry to have to tell you, you have Cancer *and* Alzheimer's
Patient : Thank god for that - at least I haven't got cancer.

Well - I though it was funny at the time. Anyway - the table went very quiet. I looked around and noticed that the gentleman at the end of the table had a hospital tag round his wrist. It turned out that he was an old friend of the host, who had terminal cancer, and was out of hospital for his 'last' Christmas dinner.

A not particularly funny moment, which still makes me want to drop dead on the spot, even now.

Well - you did ask.
(8-Ball, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 10:41, Reply)

Renee Zellwegger
A couple of years ago, a firend of mine who was a drama student managed to blag the two of us onto the set of the first Bridget Jones film as extras. It was the big Public Schoolboy bitchfight scene between Firth and Grant and we were background diners in the Greek restaurant.

What had originally seemed like a world class blag became pretty boring after about four and half hours of watching two fops fumble at each other.

In a long break between takes, my mate and I got round to the inevitable conversation of whether or not we considered the divine Ms Zellwegger to be up to our lofty standards of procreation.

Bored and ratty, I responded just a tad too loudly, "Zellweger? No way mate - I'd rather shag your mother than that tubby cunt."

We were removed from the set very quickly to a stunned silence including a puce leading lady.

Apparently they had to reshoot some scenes because we'd fucked up their continuity. Good.
(Greatest Bloke, Fri 23 Apr 2004, 7:16, Reply)

I love my local pub.
Was just in there having a couple of beers, and the bartmaid and I (who happens to be black) got talking about family stuff. My brother is gay, so I was telling her this.
She's all yeah, my brother's gay and handicapped........at which point I quipped "bet he has no problem finding a job then"

She just looked at me.
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Fri 23 Apr 2004, 3:23, Reply)

Oh jeezly cripe
I have many, many examples. One day I had a patient (who was having a baby) with a big ornate gothic script "EDDIE" tattoo on the inside of her thigh. For almost 12 hours, I soothed, cajoled, encouraged and cheered on this lady. I brought her boyfriend into it: "Look at Eddie, he loves you and the baby so much, breathe with Eddie, keep going, Eddie, you hold her hand" blah, blah, blah.

Close to the end, I realize he's gotten more and more stony-faced and silent throughout the day. He's actually glaring at me now. A thought strikes me, "Uh, is your name Eddie?"

With the most hateful glance, he grunts, "No."
(TDub Nunc id vides, nunc ne vides on, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 5:15, Reply)

Petrol Station Blues
Using my bestest, most booming, impersonating God voice I told the two men in suits to;

"Obey the voice of God, Come to my little window/drawer thing"

Looking somewhat affronted, they stormed over and handed over their money. It was at this point I noticed their badges said "Church of Jesus Christ of the Latter Day Saints" on them.

Ooops.
(Predatory Sock, Tue 20 Apr 2004, 22:38, Reply)

Oh dear.
When I was going to work one day, there were 3 of us in a car going along the motorway, and every so often we'd pass a bored child being driven somewhere. Occasionally the bored child would make stupid faces at us, and being the merry fellows that we are, we'd respond with a similarly stupid face.
This was all well and good until we were behind one car with a kid gurning out the back at us - we started gurning back, and it was only after about 5 minutes of doing this that we realised that the kid actually had cerebral palsy. His parents looked shocked and appalled as we overtook them and disappeared quickly into the distance.
( magicbaboon, Thu 22 Apr 2004, 22:49, Reply)

No matter how true, sweeping statements do not help you pull...
I was at a barbecue a while back talking to a reasonably fit, yet older woman. We got talking about my then current job (at a paternity testing lab), and she asked me if I'd learned much there.

"Single mothers give their kids fucking stupid names!" was my reply.

About an hour later the father of her child showed up with the little kid (who I didn't realise existed)

"Come here, Gryphon!" she said...
( gronkpan https://twitter.com/VomitingLarry, Thu 22 Apr 2004, 10:18, Reply)

there's been a few of these one-armed person gaffes.
My son (12) only has one hand. He often gets weird reactions from other kids. One younger boy stared at his arm that ends at the elbow and said " But how do, how do you....count?"
(gamera, Thu 22 Apr 2004, 3:13, Reply)

what's an arm between friends?
the scene - a quiet room of study where people are creating fine works of art, some in chalk, some in pastels, myself in leaky blue biro.

the actors - myself and my good friend, both lazy students, and our lecturer, a one armed balding lecturer with a humble claw on the end of his single stunted arm.

the event - struggling for artistic inspiration, i look around the room. i spy a plastic skeleton hanging from a metal frame. i look closer. the skeleton... it only has...
"HE'S ONLY GOT ONE ARM!" i exclaim loudly, turning to my friend and pointing at the skeleton... or so i did think... sadly for me, one armed lecturer man had walked directly into the path of my pointing finger at the time of my exclamation.

the emotions - he looked utterly horrified that i would mock such an affliction. i was utterly horrified that i'm such an arse.

the conclusion - i feebly tried to hide under the desk whilst one armed claw lecturer man glared at me. my friend laughed. and he still does.
(penge, Thu 22 Apr 2004, 0:13, Reply)

hot music teacher
at my school, called mrs brogden

my friend badger was having a conversation with me and a few other friends, his back to the rest of the playground. we were discussing teachers at the time

she walked up behind him, about to ask one of us a question about some music coursework, oppened her mouth and right on cue badger said something along the lines of he'd love to fuck mrs brogden in the arse and smear his shitty cock on her tits

her mouth didn't close, just hung there, face white with shock/terror

she walked off in the end without saying anything
(John Doe, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 23:19, Reply)

In the early hours of 12th September 2001...
Background to my shame:
I was away on business on 911 as the people across the pond are wont to call it. Not having yet seen the planes vs World Trade Centre scenario myself, I went on MSN chat that night unaware of the full realisation of the situation.
Anyway, I logged in as usual, and what did I find but rather upset Americans in most of the chatrooms, being both racist and overly-aggressive to people who wore turbans. You get the picture.
At the time I thought I'd redress the balance. I'm very not proud of what I then did - ie changing my username to 'Pilot Abdul' and baiting said above Americans.....

Single to Hell, please.
(Felchman, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 20:28, Reply)