The TRUTH gets you laid
there was this girl who was a friends sister and she was whining on about this party she hadn't been invited to, and she asked me why she hadn't been invited.
I racked my brain for a plausible answer, failing to discover one, I decided to give "THE TRUTH" a go.
"Well basically it's because none of my friends like you" I said
She wasn't to happy about that but the next day her rather fit friend called to my house to see why I had upset her so much and we ended up getting very friendly indeed
Result!
:D
( VampireMonkeyOnSpeed a super sexy sexual sex terrorist sex, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 23:49, Reply)

Anchient relatives
My Gran had been really ill with cancer, and has come home to die basically. Everyone in the tiny village we live knew that she'd died and so on my way to school all my mates were asking me how I was without actually saying 'We know your Grans dead'.I eventually turned to one of my mates and said 'You remember how yesterday i had two Gran's? well today i only have one,' The look on all their faces was as if I'd shit on the table in front of their mother.'what?' i replied ;There's nowt wrong with a sense of tumour?' I have a habit of saying innapropriate things during times of great stress. Last year my Mum and dad split up, and they told me and my bro on april 3rd. he first thing I thought to say was 'Hold on, i thought April Fools day was a coupla days ago' this split seriously fucked my bor up because he'd just been dumped by his bird, and he thought that womankind was out to screw him up he was whingeing on during a phone call 'I can never trust another woman again' I said' So can you take pain then?' 'what are you on about' he replied 'Well if you cant trust another woman you might as well go gay and take it up the arse'. he hung up.
(Lord Monkey of Yorkshire,OBE killed a gipsy on...., Wed 21 Apr 2004, 23:44, Reply)

oops
at a friend's party with lots of alcohol ( of course) and we were all in one room. one of my friends happened to have a lollipop to which another friend said " you love to suck on long things don't you?!" in his annoying sarcastic way...to which i replied " not that you have much to offer!"...everyone laughed but i've never seen that guy so silent and shocked. oops. :D
(trizza, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 23:30, Reply)

Tell-tale scrapings
I did a degree in experimental pathology and in the early days of the course we had to take scrapings from the inside of the cheek and examine them under the microscope. One of the girls noticed that there were "tadpoles" swimming around in her cheek cell sample. It was semen from a blowjob she had given that morning.
( blindmelon, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 23:21, Reply)

hot music teacher
at my school, called mrs brogden

my friend badger was having a conversation with me and a few other friends, his back to the rest of the playground. we were discussing teachers at the time

she walked up behind him, about to ask one of us a question about some music coursework, oppened her mouth and right on cue badger said something along the lines of he'd love to fuck mrs brogden in the arse and smear his shitty cock on her tits

her mouth didn't close, just hung there, face white with shock/terror

she walked off in the end without saying anything
(John Doe, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 23:19, Reply)

Whilst at a College Lecture,
We were sadly informed that after an emergency bowel removal operation, our Electronics lecturer had sadly passed away. Upset, I leant across to my neighbour and whispered 'Gutted!!!'. Unfortunately, because of my emotional state, it came out as more of a shout. I was, in fairness, sent to Coventry for a month by Students & Lecturers. It's nearly as bad as Hull.
( Benny on the Loose; a permanent solution to a temporary problem, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 22:59, Reply)

A friend of mine sought solace in drink..
following the death of his father.
It got to the point that he was permanently in his local getting absolutely wasted at every possible opportunity.
Things got progressively worse until whilst on a five day session he literally shat himself by the bar - without being aware of it - and merrily carried on drinking.
He's told me since that he only noticed when he got back home the following morning.

However, everyone else in the pub had noticed, and the next time he walked in his local, he found that a nappy had been hung up above his place of choice at the bar, and remained there for weeks afterwards.
(Felchman, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 22:40, Reply)

Once on a medical work experience thing
my group was being shown about autopsy procedure, Our cadaver for the day was a young lad in an orange anorak that had died after being hit by a car or something of that ilk. Sadly my mouth opened and the words "Oh my god, they killed Kenny" slipped out. Silence and lots of glaring at me. Straight to hell then?
( The Doctor Why is it big and why is there grass?, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 22:40, Reply)

New chap at work
Fred told us that his mother had committed suicide, she had hung her self in the garden shed. Couple of days later Fred made a mistake at work and still being on probation was concerned.

I tried to reassure him that everything was ok by saying "don't get hung up about it....."
(BadgerPirate, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 22:38, Reply)

Stupid French.
Whilst I was going off on one about the French being arsey twunts and many other expletives a few years ago one of our senior sales managers haughtily announced to me that her parents were french.

In the short moments between me wondering how they could be french when she was 100% english sounding and trying to decide how I could get out of this... I decided not to bother.

"Well they must be Twunts too then." I told her.

It's not often that someone has ever walked out on me but that was one of those times.

Stupid 1/2 french Twunt.
( Airman Gabber Living life like a 70's BBC presenter, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 22:30, Reply)

a mate of mine
had a girlfriend who knew a few media types, they got invited to a posh party. Being a loud, northern, speak your mind type of bloke at one point my mate bellows out "who's that fat bloke over there that reckons he's Boy George?", and it was, and tumbleweeds did roll.
( e.parsley, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 22:29, Reply)

dead embarassed...
some poor sod back in year 9 had the misfortune for his dad to die. he came back after a long absence on the day that our technology projects were due in. when he had a damn good one complete (better than my half arsed effort) despite being absent for a few weeks i immediatly jumped in and said "i bet your dad did it for you didnt he?"........ imagine the silence? i wished i wasnt there. quite luckily, and for some unknown reason, the guy had a good retort: "how could he? he is dead!" i couldnt muster a reply to this so turned and walked away... looking back on it, its funny as hell, but i sure felt bad at the time.

oh, and there was the time when i went to dublin with the girlfreind and the folks. i spent the entire week looking for a nun, but didnt see one, until the duty free shop at the airport on the way home. i turned, saw her, and my face lit up with glee as i pointed, and shouted NUN!!! (very father jack style...) at the top of my voice. about on the 3rd or 4th exclamation mark my girlfreind clamped a hand on my mouth and dragged me out by the head (not bad for a wee slip of a gel) as the entire airport (or so it felt) went silent and stared at me, as if i had never seen a nun before. i had never seen a nun before infact.
(The CarpetThief, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 22:26, Reply)

Oh so many...
1. The many times I've actually said "I don't love you" instead of "I love you" to my gf. Big cock-up, no wonder we're not together anymore.
2. The time I had a large steel rod I was shaping in technology during school and I needed to store it somewhere safe so I asked my teacher, "sir, do you mind if I put my massive pole in your cupboard?". I've had odd and distant glares from him ever since.
3. The time I made multitudes of jokes about SARS, then realised ten minutes later that I was telling then to someone from China .

I'll probably think of more later.
(LexWest, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 22:25, Reply)

queer as folk
Friend of mine had a boss who despite having 2 kids had decided he was on the wrong bus and was now batting for the other team. Had a full time live in toy boy, the works.
I went for dinner with said friend, his girlfriend and a very attractive young lady who was visiting them and who I'd got plans on making a move on later in the evening. Making conversation, I happened to enquire , "so how's your boss then, the queer fella and his boyfriend ?". Cue a deathly silence, then the young lady turned to me and said , " that's my dad". Never did get past first base......
(latop, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 21:32, Reply)

Saw a fat woman...
asked her if she was pregnant...no, just fat...heard the dulcet tones of an ice cream van in the background...*sighs*
( Mykeyboy A massive, salty filing cabinet, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 21:29, Reply)

Celebrity(?) Foot in Mouth Syndrome
Ron Atkinson!
(http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/entertainment/tv_and_radio/3648051.stm)
(Beaston, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 21:21, Reply)

oi, christmas fundraiser.
So back in high-school every year the marching band would have a gift wrap fundraiser. the students in band would wrap gifts under adult supervision in exchange for donations.

one day business was slow so a group of us where going out to advertise by walking around and letting people know that we existed. so on the way out the door the adult supervisor (a parent of one of my fellow students i was leaving with) says "remember to tell people about the gift wrapping!"

now to me this was the most obvious thing in the world, since it was the entire reason we where leaving in the first place. so overcome by disgust in their stating of the painfully obvious I responded "oh thanks, I was going to go around telling people to go f**k themselves, yours sounds better though" before i had a chance to catch myself. it was the longest sentence to ever accidentally slip out of my mouth and it haunted me for a good hour or two.
(HalfwayHebrew, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 21:08, Reply)

Not me..
but it happened to me. My dog had died on a Saturday morning and in the afternoon I went to my boyfriends house. Whilst waiting at the dinner table, I was studying the tablemats which have puppies on them. My boyfriend's best friend pointed to the puppies, and loudly remarked "they're probably dead and in hell". Wasn't so funny at the time.
Much more amusing now.
(NewWhit : Paul Club, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 20:38, Reply)

In the early hours of 12th September 2001...
Background to my shame:
I was away on business on 911 as the people across the pond are wont to call it. Not having yet seen the planes vs World Trade Centre scenario myself, I went on MSN chat that night unaware of the full realisation of the situation.
Anyway, I logged in as usual, and what did I find but rather upset Americans in most of the chatrooms, being both racist and overly-aggressive to people who wore turbans. You get the picture.
At the time I thought I'd redress the balance. I'm very not proud of what I then did - ie changing my username to 'Pilot Abdul' and baiting said above Americans.....

Single to Hell, please.
(Felchman, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 20:28, Reply)

I was with loads of friends
and a load of cattle and sheep. It was just then that a sheep sneezed in my face, and I caught foot and mouth. They nearly burned me!

I once farted in a school assembly. A WHOLE school assembly. There were 500 people at the assembly. Mr. Brown came over to me after assembly and told me off for farting. Ha! I had the piss ripped out of me for a week, but then it died out as these things do.

Oh, and my best friend also had the piss ripped out of him for a week when he opened the top of his gel pen and another friend said 'Don't suck it, whatever you do' and he sucked it on reflex. His face was hilarious. And his mouth went green.
(ChimneySweep IS TWO PEOPLES!, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 20:22, Reply)

look i'm not gay!
Last night I was out in a club, quite pissed. On an excursion to the toilet, I was standing at a urinal, when the gent beside me quite jovially asked me: "having a good evening?"
To which I answered: "Sure am, baby."
Not mate, or dude, or pal, or even buddy, squire, friend or chum. Baby. It just slipped out, as I had just been talking to a female friend of mine who I habitually shower with pet names...
I'll never forget the look on his face...
(weirzbowski, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 20:20, Reply)

I'm in High School
i show up every morning and sit in a small doorway and wait for my mates to show up. every morning a teacher, Mr.Balch comes and kicks me out. one day he didnt show. My mate turns to me and remarked that ol' balch hadn't shown up yet. To this i responded "he probably showed up early so he could wank off in that room. Just as the last words left my mouth i looked up to see Mr.Balch, standing over me, holding out his keys, just staring. After that we sat somewhere else for the rest of the semester.
(Human, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 20:18, Reply)

she looked pregnant i swear!
(not me but a collegue)i work in a well known phamacy named after popular footwear and well... we have to ask certain questions and do checks before we let people have certain medicenes. Now i was doing some training in my healthcare book and my friend was giving me a hand, then this one girl comes in and ask for a packet of extra strong painkillers. to show me how to put my healthcare theory into practice my friend reads the back and it said 'do not give to pregnant women'. I thought she was pregnant as she looked rather like it. and i can only assume that my friend did too. so she said'I'm sorry madam you can't take these if you're pregnant.'
*a deathly silence*

'I'm not pregnant.'

my friend went three shades of beetroot and i had to go and stand in the dispensery to stifle my laughter.


oh and another time a lady in a wheel chair came in and i said 'dont forget to look on the disabled counter, you might find some real bargains.'
She looked at me like i had just threatened to rape, murder and pillage her family.

i ment reduced counter. >.<
(gothicfaerie, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 19:59, Reply)

Good Lord I'm too Honest...
I was intimate with a female friend of mine named Tasha. She's this very hot strawberry blonde with great charisma and intelligence to boot. Anyhoo, one night after getting pissed she ended up in bed with this other fellow, poor thing, fell asleep before he could catch any of the "action" but he did get some blowjobs in.

Now, I knew Tasha had many men pining for her and had made it with her very hot boyfriend many times (who knows nought about that night)...

But the day after, we cleaned up and sat around watching TV when Tasha's parents came home and being very cool parents, they sat down with us and talked about how Tasha was getting a novelty license plate and how they thought it would be great if it said "IMVIRGIN."

Walking off to the kitchen with Justin for some brunch, I joked "I didn't know her parents were blatant liars. They should have been here when Tasha was giving you head. She bragged about how far she could fit you, ya know."

I turned around and Tasha's mother was standing there with her jaw wide-open. As Tasha's father came into the kitchen, having heard what I said as well, he took one look at his wife and remarked at her gaping mouth: "Now we know it's hereditary."

After chuckling for a bit, he looked at Justin and said: "I'd run if I were you."

He gave me no instructions, seeing as how I was very intent on my task of chewing breakfast pastry, it being harder now that I had both my feet, my legs, and some of my arse in my mouth.
(Floofy Bunny of Doom, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 19:57, Reply)

Really uncomfortable moment.
My friends and I were idly chatting and the conversation moved on to Doctors. I chirped in that my local GP's were all useless.
Just then another friend, plus a random from his course appears. He added "Mine too. he always ends up consulting a book to find the names of illnesses". I reply "that's just cheap most have med databases now". The Randon replies "what do you expect from f***ing Paki's they're cheap and f***ing idiots to boot". Right next too me is Chavonne, an asian girl who's dad is a GP who came here from Pakistan, she promptly throws her coffee all over the random. Never saw him again. Still everyone on the group just felt soo uncomfortable.
(burning sensation, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 19:44, Reply)

homeless people don't deserve it
I was waiting for a friend outside the tesco metro in Liverpool and was approached by one of the many big issue sellers in that fine town. I declined his generous offer of rubbishy magazine, and he said "All I need is 50p mate" and without engaging my tact filter I said "yeah, and a house".
To my credit, I remain ashamed to this day.
(donksta, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 19:39, Reply)

While reading a paper
.....I used to work in a photographers department at a newspaper and at work one day a very red-faced lady came in from another department wanting to know where my boss was. I said that he had "gone to take pictures of some washed up corpse" that was found washed up at the coast. The dead person was only the red-faced lady's dad! she was wanting a lift there as she knew my boss was going to the scene....ooooh bummer.
(fenderbender, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 19:39, Reply)

I just remembered this one
We were at school, and it was one of those assemblies where a group of christians come in (it's a non-religious school btw) and try to sell themselves to us. Well, on the way out they were handing out bibles, and as they handed one to me, i loudly exlaimed "no sorry, i don't beleive in that shit".

I only realised later how amazing cruel it was. Oh well. Serves them right for trying to force their opinions on me.
( Naive Amoeba Bored Cig, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 19:34, Reply)

While at school...
...i yelled at a shithead of a teacher to look 'cool' "your mom is so fat she played pool with the planets" his mum died the next day of a heart attack due to morbid obesity *cringes*


i also whipped a kid in the face with a skipping rope and said whhopcha his dad had died two days before that...at a rodeo

i also found a dead cat up my mortal enemys street so i dropped it on his doorstep rang the bell and ran...it was his cat

1 more to go

my freinds dog died on a weekend so i didn't find out about it till monday anywho it was raining pretty hard so i ran into the classroom and yelled its raining cats and DOGS

sorry about my biggetry
(That guy with a hat., Wed 21 Apr 2004, 19:30, Reply)