In which emvee looks a bit of a twat at his grandad's funeral
When my grandad bought the farm I was living in London at the time, so on the day of the funeral I had to drive up to the Midlands, pick up the rest of the family and continue up the M1 to Barnsley where the service was being held. It was a lovely sunny day and (as this was before I'd had my eyes lasered) I'd driven up there wearing my prescription sunglasses.

So anyway, we made it to the crematorium with only a minute or so to spare before the service started and as I got out of the car I couldn't find my real glasses anywhere, which left me with two options - go through the service as blind as a bat, or wear my prescription sunglasses throughout, which would undoubtedly mark me out as a bit of a twat. I chose the latter, but I probably shouldn't have worried as the very fact that I had worn a suit meant that I stood out from almost all of the rest of the mourners, who had apparently just turned up in whatever they happened to be wearing at the time.

On the way back we stopped into a pub to relax a bit and raise a glass to my grandad. When my sister ordered a glass of red wine the landlady's eyes registered a flash of panic but in the end she found that she had a tiny little one-glass bottle at the back of the bar that had about an inch of dust on it.

It is indeed grim up north.
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Thu 18 Apr 2013, 14:12, 17 replies)

In which grandmasterfluffles is glad her father's dead
My late father could most politely be described as a right dickhead. My brother and I were the only people to attend the funeral. I only went to check that he was actually dead. As they lowered the coffin into the ground, I couldn't shake the feeling that one day he would crawl out of there to come and get me.

Sorry it's not funny...

If you think this makes me a bad person, it's good for you that you don't understand and I hope you never will.
(grandmasterfluffles Come to my Armageddon party on, Thu 18 Apr 2013, 12:33, 7 replies)

Speaking of funerals, QOTW is really pining for the fjords these days.

( Dr Preference AjcuiVd289, Thu 18 Apr 2013, 11:40, Reply)

ed balls

( The Doveston haunted by the memory of his own amnesia, Thu 18 Apr 2013, 11:03, Reply)

Der dernenernernerner, der dernenernerner, nett-nett-ner, nett-nett-ner, neddlette nett nett nett net-ner!

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 18 Apr 2013, 10:58, 2 replies)

folks

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Thu 18 Apr 2013, 10:47, Reply)

all

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 18 Apr 2013, 10:43, Reply)

th-th-th-tha-th-tha-that's

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Thu 18 Apr 2013, 10:43, Reply)

Waking Meany.
A few years ago my grandmother-in-law(?) popped her clogs. I didn't attend the funeral but our little family unit went to her wake held at my uncle-in-law's(?).

Meanie was pretty much universally know by that name by most of her kids and grand-kids due to her being a bitchy, sour-two-faced, bitter,downright nasty and withered old prune of a woman. Her grandmotherly nick-name sounded very similar and she was a little hard of hearing in her last few years so everyone pretty much referred to her as "Meany".
This was the woman who critisised my wife about her weight gain - whilst she was pregnant with our daughter. She told me to my face that the only reason she "liked" me was that my mum was a 'proper' English woman and that I had attended a private school. The same person who disowned her daughter after she had hocked some of her father's war medals in order to get money to feed her children after Meanies beloved son-in-law had blown the family savings and budget at the local casino. Again.
If you're sitting there scratching your head wondering what I mean and can't relate, then shut up & thank fuck to the universe that you've never met such a dour, self-serving, manipulative harridan.

Anyhoo...

Meanies' wake.
As I said it was held at her youngest son Mick's house. He was probably the closest to her even tho he couldn't stand to be in the same room as her for more than 5 min. [Mothers and Sons, eh?]. Most of my Monster-in-law's family are not big drinkers, including Mick who is a tee-total. Despite that Meany drank like a fish, losing half her foot to diabetes - she refused to give up her 'couple of glasses of wine or G&T's a day' (a cask or half a bottle). Me I was on a '"medically induced hiatus" from imbibing, so I was happy to skipper and keep an eye on the bairn.

That night the piss-up-wake floodgates opened. Everyone drank apart from Mick and I. And I don't just mean they got tipsy - everyone was pissed and celebrating Meanies death (not her life). There were a few second cousins who clearly saw the writing on the wall and got the fuck out of Dodge as soon as they could whilst still seeming to be polite. After that it was on. There were a few tears - mostly relief and some happy memories of Meanie's self-inflicted misfortunes.
They went thru a crate of scotch (not the good stuff otherwise I would've nabbed a bottle for Ron), a few cartons of beer and a crate of nice white wine.
EDIT: I should say at this pont - it was catered. Beautifully by Mick's Thai bride, What (a former chef).
What made a number of dishes but the best were her Vietnamese/Japanese spring rolls - pork, shallots, shitake mushrooms, vermicelli rice noodles, pistachios and pickled ginger wrapped in rice wrappers soaked in rice wine, namp-la (fish sauce) and soy sauce. Fucking yumm!

Many family issues were dug up, fought and resolved that night - quite a few of them had arisen directly due to Meanie's meddling and intervention. Much laughter and hilarity happened remembering her foibles and quite a few family feuds were resolved. The night ended as we were leaving with a party heading up the road to a local coppers place (apparently an old family friend) to bang on his door and wheedle out of him a couple of his good bottles of scotch.

All in all, everyone enjoyed Meanie's wake, especially the people who most deserved to. Including Meany, who wasn't there. If there is a demon in Hell poking a red hot poker up her jacksie, I hope she's giving him an earful right now.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Thu 18 Apr 2013, 5:33, 23 replies)