For me, ‘Weird Science’, ‘Blade Runner’ and ‘Westworld’ were more like documentaries…

As far as a ‘get rich quick’ scheme goes, I realised that I must discover a new, as yet unexplored market and exploit it for all its’ potential.

As a result I’ve been working on a new invention; and on completion I think I may be on to a bit of a result.

My basic design is that of a human form exoskeleton surrounded in a super-realistic mannequin latex / play dough coating…kind of like the Terminator…without the homicidal tendencies.

It’s called ‘Shag-a-tron 2000’. There are two basic forms: ‘Shag-a-tron-M’ and ‘Shag-a-tron-F’.

Although initially packaged in a Brad Pitt / Angelina Jolie format, you can mould them to your exact specification with the unique set of attachments...in other words you can design the proportions with whatever floats your twisted, pervy little tug-boat.

As I haven’t yet perfected the biomechanics I’m afraid it doesn’t do much in the way of movement, just your basic stand / sit / walk / bend over / huge hip thrusts etc…but all in a sexy, smouldering / strong, silent understated manner of course.

I have also fitted a basic but spookily realistic speech synthesiser and voice response system (one that actually works, not like the Vista one that doesn’t understand a fucking word when you’re pissed)

Now in its ‘M’ form, the Shag-a-tron 2000 promises the following:

No snoring / farting / eating toenails
Puts the toilet seat down
It will NEVER say your bum looks big, even if you have the arse of an elephant acrobatic display team
It nods its head in an approving manner and looks adoringly and attentively at everything you say…without being needy
It sits and holds your hand through weepies / Rom-coms
Never treats you like shit or eyes up your girlfriends
Will go like a rabbit on Red Bull when required
(Deluxe models come with their own credit card)

…However, in its ‘F’ form:

Never nags / has a headache / has painters in
Will always actually mean what they say – none of that ‘Nothing’s wrong’ bollocks
Will happily wear ‘that’ outfit that you’ve always requested
Will watch the footy with you with a permanent smile on their face…whilst holding your beer
Cares not a jot about your nerdiness / disgusting habits / crap job
Stands happily in the cupboard waiting for you whilst you go out with your mates
Thinks drunkenness is sexy.
Swallows.
Let’s you put it where you want it (but not in a 'Nike advert' sort of way)
Will also go like the veritable clappers.

On both models there is also zero chance of babies or catching any of those ever-so-slightly-annoying STD’s (providing you don’t lend it out to your mates).

After preliminary tests the Shag-a-tron also effortlessly integrates with your family and friends on the premise of:

“(S)He’s just a bit quiet, that’s all.”

Each model comes arrives complete with full internet access so you can tailor their personality, and an adjustable ‘self-respect’ mode so you can make them as confident or timid as you wish.

And as you grow older – they stay the same age!

I’m not quite sure how much to charge but I was considering throwing in a 30 day full-refund guarantee…providing you wipe it down before returning it.

Anybody interested in trying one out?



…and as for length?... You decide!
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Mon 4 Aug 2008, 16:27, 15 replies)

I'll take 14, in both forms!
Four are for me (two of each for my own nefarious purposes), the rest I intend to form my own B3tan Brothel(tm). Only £10 an hour!
(Potty Jag har smör i min rumpspringa, Mon 4 Aug 2008, 16:37, closed)

I'll take two....
...one in 'Nigella Lawson', and another in 'Kimberley from Girls Aloud'

Leave them on the front step would you? Ta.
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Mon 4 Aug 2008, 16:47, closed)

Ah, we've already got some
They're called "Cunt-O-Tron" and run on staggering amounts of money as an endless power source. You can only get them on a four year lease contract though, plus they seem to rebel against their human masters for three of those four years.

They can be heard endlessly repeating words like "Prudence!" and "We're listening!" and comes in several distinct types, including the "Milli-Driod" with "Gaffe Ver2.5" software installed, "Harmorrhoid" with "Rabid Harridan vers 1" and optional extras include light up red eyes.

My favorite though is the "Cameroid" which is programmed to give non-committal answers to every single question and seems to be affected by the "cycle-the-wrong-way" bug.

However, I hear that "Darlo-Droid" may be withdrawn due to being quite obviously less than lifelike.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Mon 4 Aug 2008, 16:48, closed)

@PJM...

Wish I could click 'I Like This' for replies.
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Mon 4 Aug 2008, 16:53, closed)

Have you not seen...
...the poignant public information film "I Dated A Robot!" ?

Ordinarily, Billy would work hard to make money from his paper route. Then he'd use the money to buy dinner for Mavis, thus earning the slim chance to perform the reproductive act. But in a world where teens can date robots, why should he bother? Why should anyone bother? Let's take a look at Billy's planet a year later. [The scene changes and a foam hand rolls across an empty football field.] Where are all the football stars? [The foam hand drifts across an empty laboratory.] And where are the biochemists? [The scene changes to a split screen of human and robot couples making out on beds.] They're trapped! Trapped in a soft, vice-like grip of robot lips. All civilisation was just an effort to impress the opposite sex ... and sometimes the same sex.

To preserve civilization, I will have to create a virus that makes your sexy robots fancy each other. Every street corner will be populated by two or more of your sexy robots, locked in eternal erotic tableaux, a tawdry backdrop of rutting robot flesh in every conceivable...

...hang on. I must just visit the toilet.
( Amish Information Systems hates misplaced, commas, Mon 4 Aug 2008, 17:33, closed)

Nigella Lawson? Hell yes.
The norks. Oh, the fucking great norks.
( idonthaveafunnynickname Drink-Aware? Sure. I'm aware I want another drink., Mon 4 Aug 2008, 18:00, closed)

There's already actually a version of this.
Seriously. It's called Realdoll. I'd post a URL but I'm at work.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Mon 4 Aug 2008, 18:32, closed)

Iv'e heard of them
And it's hard to tell what freaks me out most about em - that they exist or that there are people that buy em. I'm not too fond of things like mannequins in stores and waxworks - I must have a realy low "uncanny valley" threshold or something - but i just don't get how people can get their kicks from something like that
(Fredz A graveyard of hopes, a dump of ambition, Mon 4 Aug 2008, 18:45, closed)

Modifications please
I will take a Jessica Alba (Dark Angel) model with short nails, a 200wpm typing speed and the ability to lick her eyebrows.

Also I take it domestic services like cooking, washing and ironing come as standard on all models?
(DryGoldfish, Mon 4 Aug 2008, 18:56, closed)

i'll take two!
one spike from buffy model and one jeff goldblum model. i won't be able to pay, but i'll happily stress test them to near-intolerable levels.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Mon 4 Aug 2008, 19:16, closed)

Chii!
UNDERPANTS? I would also like to request the ability to use them like a blackberry and as a gaming companion. Can you make hermaphrodite models for those fickle indecisive Bi-s? If they could also process laundry would be awesome!
(pulelehua.geo Ultralurker, Mon 4 Aug 2008, 20:25, closed)

Wow
I AM the F Shagatron! Well, minus the painters, no risk of babies and internet access. But hey, I'm sure we could find somewhere to pop a USB wireless dongle...
( El Lazarus is calm now, Ish,, Mon 4 Aug 2008, 20:32, closed)

How do you keep entertained
in the cupboard while your bloke's out, if you don't mind me asking? Sounds like domestic abuse to me.
(jabboy, Tue 5 Aug 2008, 2:21, closed)

yes
have you completed the sarah beenie model yet?
(little lord muthafuckin fauntleroy, Tue 5 Aug 2008, 10:45, closed)

@ Jabboy
I clean of course! Isn't that what all women do when they're in the cupboards?
( El Lazarus is calm now, Ish,, Tue 5 Aug 2008, 18:05, closed)