Back seat driving
A few months back it was my Dad's birthday, and as my folks love Thailand, we decided to go to a local Thai restaurant that had recently opened in a neighboring town. Being the dutiful son, I offered to drive so that both ma, pa and sis could have a drink or two.

I've only had my license for 9 months, but I like to think that I'm a confident-but-safe driver (don't we all?). My mother is, to put it mildly, the Platonic Form of back-seat drivers, alongside which all other BSDs are shown to be flawed, intangible wisps of mere annoyance. She has reduced my normally-stoic father to tears, and has caused my sister to categorically ban my mum from ever riding in any vehicle she may be controlling.

Knowing all this, I was understandably nervous, however I had come up with a plan to help take the edge off things. The plan had two stages, the first being to turn up to their house early with a bottle of wine for my sister and mum to start on. Then, when my lightweight mother was nicely tipsy, stage two came into play. From careful conversation manipulation (well, outright asking) I got her talking about her favourite subject: work.

Sure enough, this topic kept her occupied from the moment of her being bundled into the back seat of my little Ka until we were barely a minute from the destination. Unfortunately the wine goggles were not enough to keep her from spotting a car in the distance braking.

"And then you'll never guess what Deidre said t-WATCH OUT FOR THAT CAR, IT'S BRAKING!!"

"Yes Mum, at the precise moment you shouted at me, I was already slowing down. Now, what did Deidre say?"

My dad and sister burst into loud laughter, while my mum mumbles something incoherent while drunkenly giggling to herself. We get to the restaurant without any further incident, Dad shows off by ordering everything in Thai, and we proceed to have a bloody nice meal. Father and sis drink some Singhas, my mum has another large glass of the house white, and I drink water while we laugh, reminisce about our holiday in Thailand, and wish my Dad a happy birthday. All in all, perfect.

Mother requires more assistance to get back to the car, and then proceeds to sit giggling in the back, occasionally repeating her catchphrase of "isn't this lovely, all the family together". I look to my Dad in the passenger seat, and he smiles at me with pride. I was half expecting him to clap me on the shoulder and say "Well done, son, she won't bother us on this journey!", but he settled for the contented grin.

I match his smile, slip the car into 1st, and pull smoothly out of the car park. My sister starts babbling on about what's happening in her life, and I summarily start to rib her about her new boyfriend (as all brothers are required to do). The atmosphere in the car was full of love, warmth and happiness. If anybody was watching us, they would have been compelled to say "aww, bless, there goes the perfect family!". We could have been in a Bisto advert.

It wasn't meant to last.

"So sis, when are we going to meet this new fella of yours?"
"Oh, he's thinking of coming ove-MIND THAT FUCKING CAR! HE'S TURNING OFF THE OH FUCK I'M TURNING INTO MUM!"

Complete and utter bedlam broke out within the confines of my Ka. Dad had tears of laughter streaming down his face, clutching his sides as if a Giger creation were about to burst out. My sister was alternating between laughing and wailing uncontrollably. Mother, rudely awoken from her slumber, joins in the raucous merriment, before asking why we were all laughing.

Me? I nearly ploughed the car off the road.

There is always a master and an apprentice.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 30 Apr 2009, 15:13, 12 replies)

Good Work Lab
Good work. *Click*
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Thu 30 Apr 2009, 15:23, closed)

I like this,
Well told!
*click*
( Cawl, Thu 30 Apr 2009, 15:25, closed)

I have recently
started driving more slowly. To save fuel. And because I don't feel like driving fast any more.

My mate commented just last week that I was driving like my dad (who is notoriously slow).

I didn't go any faster.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Thu 30 Apr 2009, 15:31, closed)

I actually drive slower
than my dad does. Because I can't afford the petrol, and he can.
(WillI'mNot logs in twice a year, every year, Fri 1 May 2009, 0:07, closed)

The last line
works for me. Nice.
( TheMagicDwarf is back like ballroom dancing, Thu 30 Apr 2009, 15:32, closed)

*click*
"The Platonic Form of back-seat drivers"

LMFAO

Well told.
( cackers, Thu 30 Apr 2009, 15:44, closed)

I loikes this Oi do.
*clickety*
( jim_bob can herd cats., Thu 30 Apr 2009, 15:48, closed)

Thanks guys!

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 30 Apr 2009, 15:50, closed)

*pats on shoulder*
well done my son
( djtrialprice, Thu 30 Apr 2009, 17:13, closed)

*ruffles mo*
*prouds*
( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Thu 30 Apr 2009, 23:30, closed)

Laughs
This QOTW is causing more LOLs than the alfresco sex one.
Clicky
(Le Grenouille, Mon 4 May 2009, 0:12, closed)

truly excellent
a tale well told. clicky!
(TDub Nunc id vides, nunc ne vides on, Mon 4 May 2009, 12:32, closed)