tripping the kid
My teacher when I was 8, when telling me off, told me 'that I gave her a pain that ran all the way down her left arm'. Little did she know (or maybe she did) that due to being the precociously early reader that I was, I was well aware that this was a precursor to having a heart attack. I spent the rest of that week fretting that she would drop down dead any second and it would be ALL MY FAULT!

To this day my family think she was the best teacher I had. 'Wasn't Mrs Smith wonderful?' they say, and I say 'No, she accused me of giving her a heart attack.' Bah!
(clapper, Thu 20 Oct 2005, 10:30, Reply)

I don't even know if this counts, 'cos I'm drunked
but.

Today was my best friends 30th (yay for old people!).
Me, her husband and a couple of other firends of hers had planned a surprise mini party for her. No big deal, you may think. However, my best friend has the big C, yes, cancer. The BIG C, hence if you meet me you will see the yellow wristband.
Anyway, she had chemo yesterday so we planned her birthday party for Saturday - or so she thought. Limo, booze, boys, etc!

Due to the supriseness of today's party, I called her to wish her happy birthday, and that lunch is on me on Saturday at a restaurant of her choice (knowing she feels like shit today due to chemo).

So, she thinks nobody cares today because it's the day after treatment, but her husband and kid (the best behaved, most wonderful child ever - no sarcasm there, he really is). Her other friends also called her to wish her happy birthday.
She totally pulled the whole "nobody cares about me, it's my 3oth birthday. Well fuck it, I'll just lay in my pajamas and die from cancer"

Needless to say, after that, we all got on the phone with everyone who knows her and had a massive surprise for her when she got home tonight.

Oh, and yay for medical marijuana. God bless the Big C!
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Thu 20 Oct 2005, 7:45, Reply)

parental expectation
My dad, in his defence, doesn't usually behave like this. No matter: my university graduation ceremony was well into the working year (November) and I was working out of the country. My family (read "me") don't really go in for ceremonies and all that palaver, so I phoned the folks to let them know. Ma hid her disappointment pretty well (she's very pragmatic). I'm on a roll now, dad should be a pushover. Imagine my surprise at his statement: " But I've been waiting MY WHOLE LIFE for this day"
And who said that having an education has benefits?
(shegotaway!, Wed 19 Oct 2005, 22:43, Reply)

Not even agressive
it's more like passive/depressive! She sighs when something makes her a bit upset - it makes me feel really uncomfortable.

When there is an argument between my sister and I, my mum sighs and looks depressed, whilst saying "I wish you wouldn't fight. Dad can't cope with it anymore. He's in a foul mood now. It's down to you two fighting that he had that heart attack..." Et cetera. She also cries sometimes. I have to leave the room!

She also sighs when I need to borrow a bit of money (I don't have a job - not 16 yet!).
Me "It's ok, I won't go to town if you don't have enough - there is plenty to do in my room"
Mum "No, no, I'll get the money out - I know how bored you get in your room" *sigh & depressed look*
Me "Honestly - Don't worry"
Mum "Look, here is all I have - take it and have fun" *sigh*
Arrrgh, guilt trip!

Sometimes she even cries for no apparent reason. I just come downstairs and find she's been crying. I try and stay out of the way of these things -I'm not good with other people's feelings! I end up feeling terrible about it.
(once_upon_a_time, Wed 19 Oct 2005, 19:55, Reply)

It's not normally something I do, but...
A lad I knew back in the days of secondary school was being a cock to me, constantly taking the piss. Being a young fella of the ginger persuasion I was used to mockings, and it didnt bother me as such. Seeing that I wasnt fazed, he moved onto the old favourite of "I had your mum last night, she was great, etc" raising chuckles from his small group of moron henchman. I decided enough was enough, and said over my shoulder, just loud enough for the rest of my classmates to hear as well, "You must've been fucking the urn then mate."

Only time I've ever used any of my crap life facts, but it shut him the fuck up.
(GingerDemon, Wed 19 Oct 2005, 19:50, Reply)

Should be in a bucket
My mum told me that after my (elder) brother was born, she was told not to have any kids because there was a high probability that she might die. But when she was pregnant with me she'd rather take the risk then have an abortion.

Don't get me wrong - I'm thankful she did.

But it's a hell of a guilt trip to lay on a 12 year old...
(Eli-T, Wed 19 Oct 2005, 18:01, Reply)

only time i've ever used a guilt trip
was long ago when i was sitting my GCSEs. After getting considerably lower grades than expected, my teacher gives me a shirty 'well you clearly put no effort in to revision, you have only yourself to blame if you dont get into bla bla.. At this point i turned and said, 'On the monday of the first week of exams my auntie died of cancer. Her funeral was the following monday of the second week of exams. My education IS important to me but it kinda puts things into perspective.' I passed 10.
Id never use it an an excuse, but then again people should really think before they make harsh accusations.
(Legs 11 last got some loving on, Wed 19 Oct 2005, 17:17, Reply)

Been living at home for couple of years
due to convenience, money, etc.
Moved out about two months ago, Mum is still sending me text messages saying "sitting here by myself why don't you come and spend the weekend here!"
My god woman i only just escaped!
( I could eat the scabs off a dead dog That was a brand new hat, Wed 19 Oct 2005, 16:57, Reply)

Just today
I say: "Hey, my sister's band's playing on Friday, I might go and see them."
She says: "We're going to Wales this Friday."
I say: "Oh, is that this Friday? Okay then, I'll see them next time."
She says: "Now I feel like I'm taking you away from something you really want to do."
She starts crying. In the pub.
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Wed 19 Oct 2005, 15:39, Reply)

Car Breakdown
Sister rings me late-ish one night, "my car has just broken down". It's a horrible night, lashing out of the heavens, floods every where, and she's on the far side of the city (Dublin.)

So I ask her about her AA membership, it's expired... Stopping just short of saying it's not my problem, I say to her that I don't know what we can do at this stage.

What do I hear down the phone....?

The gentle sound of tears hitting the steering wheel....
(Bobo148, Wed 19 Oct 2005, 15:04, Reply)

Stusut79
You have outdone yourself sir!
I salute you for your unashamed punnery.
Keep up the good work.

arr, me hearties!
( Cap'n Tallbeard, Wed 19 Oct 2005, 14:53, Reply)

Biblical buggers
In the Garden of Eden, Adam and Eve were sitting and chilling in the sun. Eve wanted to do some cooking. She cooked some chips with a bit of fish and these ingredients became bizarrely mutated into one single entity: a big, living, breathing chip with fish's gills.

Adam was well impressed, and quickly learned to master this new organism, training it to perform simple chores. Meanwhile, Eve had decided to prepare a simple rice dish. The rice needed washing first, so she asked Adam what she should use.
"Adam," she said. "I need some kind of wire mesh implement for washing this rice with. Any ideas?"
Adam had just the thing. "I have various utensils that will work just fine!" he said, proudly. "What colour would you like?"
"How about somewhere between black and white?" she replied after some thought.
"Very well!" said Adam cheerfully, before summoning his new aquatic vegetable servant. The little scamp soon appeared in the kitchen. "I need you to do something for me," said Adam. "Please will you.....
....
....
"pass Eve a grey sieve, Gilled Chip!"

Hahahaha! Oh, mercy!!!
(stusut79, Wed 19 Oct 2005, 14:27, Reply)

My own PA revenge
Mrs YC's posh sister is PA evil. She was always having digs at my expense and was even worse if she thought only I could hear. But she does like to have all of the family around for meals at her very large victorian dining table in the posh front room.

So...

Me and the Mrs became vegan whenever we were around her and the rest of the in-laws. We had the moral high ground so she couldn't say anything. But you could see she was fuming as she had to accommodate us.

"I've got nothing in for you, you'll just have the vegetables" thinking she'd won.

"No thats fine for us, don't put yourself to any trouble", as me and wifey ate platefuls of veg. But we could see she was fuming, think the Exorcist head spinning scene.

Whenever we visited we would always nip out for a pint on our own, McEwans Export withdrawal. Now we go via the local Burger King sniggering all the way.
(Yellow Car is now red, Wed 19 Oct 2005, 13:18, Reply)

One time in America, we went on a tour
We looked at all sorts of quilts - big ones, small ones, old ones - and had a very pleasant tour of a needlework shop.

All in all, it was an excellent quilt trip.

/coat
(Pachey, Wed 19 Oct 2005, 12:50, Reply)

grandparents .....
Parents, girlfriends, leech friends, losers you meet online , boss's, imcompetant shop staff, jumped up ambitious tossers, that cunt clive who came around and tried to get me to subsscribe to some lottery shit to raise cash for cancer treatment.

all fall within this QOTW

The only people who don't are my brother my sister and my closest friends...and you guys*!





*Possibly.
(Rockster77, Wed 19 Oct 2005, 12:45, Reply)

A Righteous PAGT...
...courtesy of my mum. She's not the type for this kind of action at all, but to be frank I earned this one and I knew it.

When I was a stroppy teenage arsenut and still living with my mum and stepdad, he and I didn't get on at all and numerous conflicts flared with my poor mater caught in the middle. One time I pointed out (not for the first time) that life would be better for us all if she gave him the elbow, and she responded with:

'Tell you what, why don't I leave all of the decisions concerning what I do with my life to you and we'll see how we do - sound good to you?'

I buggered off to my room in cowed silence and never overstepped that mark again. I've not slept under the same roof as my folks for nearly 15 years now, and my stepdad and I get on like a house on fire these days - I suppose we were just in each other's way. Testosterone, eh? Pfft.

[EDIT/AFTERTHOUGHT] One thing I'm grateful to him for is the fact that he never gave me a slap or two for some of my smartarse comments - even then, he was a third-dan shotokan black belt, a qualified karate instructor running his own training club and several times AKA national champion too so if he had, my recovery would probably have been slow and uncomfortable. He's over 65 years old now, still training/instructing (I think he means to die in the dojo), and is still both fitter and harder than I am - git :)
(thatblokeoverthere not quite as much an arsehole as I thought, Wed 19 Oct 2005, 10:56, Reply)

My sister's in-laws
Are really, really rubbish at this.

It's the MIL from hell syndrome(she really is a MILF as well, Mom I'd Like to Flamethrower).

I think it boils down to "no-one being good enough for her baby boy", so she tries to make my sister's life hell. And fails because my sister doesn't fall for any of her crap (Go, younger Weasel!).

Example:

MIL "Well don't come round to ours for Christmas!"
Younger Weasel: "Ok, cool, thanks, that makes all the planning so much easier!" (smiles brightly, blinks innocently)

My sister has in the past survived car crashes, glandular fever, ME, the rest of the Weasel family, ovarian cysts, a few years without an immune system and basically doesn't put up with any garbage from anyone.

So MIL has moved on to my sister's child as a potential guilt trip source. She refuses to come round and visit the kid (despite being frequently invited) and instead sends birthday cards with messages saying "We're sorry that we're not allowed to see you, we'll always love you *sniff*"

Oh and my other sister has an ex-partner who told his children he had cancer (he didn't) to deflect attention from the fact that he had cheated on her while she was pregnant. He now lives in terror of my dad, who had to have it explained to him that it would be marginally more upsetting for my sister's kids to have their father brutally murdered, than to put up with the twat. It was a close call, we're all still wondering if he made the right decision...
(Wascally Weasel now with 100% fewer jokes., Wed 19 Oct 2005, 10:34, Reply)

Malnutrition due to clumsy p/a attempt
Whilst living with my smelly cowbag of an ex, I ended up having to take on two jobs, due to our (her) total mismanagement of our (my) funds. And so I was working 9-5 at one rotten job, and then 6.30-12 at a skanky bar.

When I would return from my earlier job in order to get ready to begin my second job, I would invariably return to her on the phone to one of her annoying mates at - wait for it - an empty dinner table!

"Where's my dinner?", I would ask in a comedy Michael Winner-style (so as to try and avoid sounding disappointed/angry, therefore evading another row)

*waves hand and glares as if I've committed a mortal sin by interrupting her conversation*

"Oh, I see - I'll work all these hours, give up my social life, neglect my mates and starve so you can make fucking phone calls to your arsehole mates and generally take the piss, shall I?"

And I did for many months, weight dropped to 6 ounces, my hair fell out, I'm sleeping in the car, I'm on pills for me nerves....

Passive aggression - I'm shit at it, and my God, was I weak!

Must be a woman thing.

Cuntmustard.

(edit: hooray! My first post. Welcome to me!)
(Sir Cunny Funt the Gibbonfiddler, Wed 19 Oct 2005, 10:23, Reply)

At Christmas
my wife and I receive the same old crap about how we should be spending time with the family (my in-laws) and how we should put all the differences behind us, blah blah blah. A couple of years ago we had various family members cry down the phone to my wife and then she was told by the mother in law how our behaviour had even made her father cry. We realised this was clearly emotional blackmail and didn't act on it. Seeing how this didn't work we were ordered to drop everything and make sure we turned up within the next 30 mins. That didn't work either. I hate families.
( Goldfish_, Wed 19 Oct 2005, 10:09, Reply)

Philip Larkin
They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.

But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another's throats.

Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don't have any kids yourself.


Seemed appropriate for this thread. Shamelessly stolen.
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Wed 19 Oct 2005, 9:16, Reply)

Not that funny though
But true.

When my mother found out i'd been being (sexually) abused for some time:

"I'm going to get cancer and die because of all the worry you put me through. Just watch"*.

Subject closed (she found out through my school- I didn't tell her).We never spoke of it again.

Lest anybody think she was simply reacting in shock- nope. She's like that all the time. About everything. I just thought I'd use this as an extreme example- and one of the ones that sticks in my head.

Me being a sensitive sort of kid took this very seriously.
Fortunately I haven't lived with her for 10 years now...but we get on alright with a bit of distance between us. If she starts up now it just goes right over my head. And when me and my siblings get together we spend hours taking the piss, so hey! It's brought us closer!

Sorry for non funniness.

*it's been 15 years since that statement and none of it has come true.
( faintpraise, Tue 18 Oct 2005, 23:59, Reply)

My ex
FYI, the crying thing? It's called post-coital tristesse (see, there's a name for everything!).

My ex phoned me after a long period of staying the hell out of my life. When he asked me how I was, I truthfully replied, "Well, I've just come out of hospital and my grandmother's just died."

He never phoned again. Thank fuck.
(Pachey, Tue 18 Oct 2005, 23:44, Reply)

Stupid guilt-tripping
Now, a lot of you have been made to feel guilty for not doing something. I get that it's an evil way to get something for nothing, but why use it on someone else when you have to do just as much work...

First, set the scene:
Sitting at dinner at home, I sit with my back to the wall. If I want to get out, my sister has to move.
Can you see what it is yet?
Cue sister asking me to get her a drink.
What?!
To do that, she has to move. When i point this out to her, she tries the guilt trip: 'FINE, I'll just do EVERYTHING myself then' (notice her sophisticated use of sarcasm)

On the upside, I'm 150-ish miles away at Uni. And she's an arsebadger.

Apologies for breadth and depth.

Edit: Technical question to whoever (just checked, I first saw it used by I Am An Oddity www.b3ta.com/questions/your_greatest_dilemmas/post9814/ ) invented what is a cracking piece of vulgarity, on a par with jimmynudgery and fucksocks, can the ladies be arsebadgers?
( Cap'n Tallbeard, Tue 18 Oct 2005, 23:28, Reply)

He doesn't like golf.
On a recent trip to South Africa, I was staying with my manic Aunt who was always angry but bottled it up to vent at inopportune moments. And her husband, who was okay but must be long-suffering. I was with my Mum and other Aunt on this trip...

Earlier in the day, manic aunt said of her husband: "he'll be on the third hole by now." Non-manic aunt says "is he playing golf?"

Answer is "No, he's drilling holes"

(his job involves drilling holes to clean up underground spillages of toxic waste and petrol and things...)

So we have a bit of a laugh about this. Seems funny.

Later we're in the car and we pass a golf course, so I say "He'll be on the 18th green now." (notice the razor wit)

Manic aunt goes off! "I will turn this car around right now if people are going to start mocking my husband!"

My Mum, bless her, jumps to my defence. "He wasn't mocking your husband!"

"Oh yes he was!"

I want to tell her how much of maniac she is. Non-manic aunt wisely stays out of it. But what can I do except say sorry? Crazy lady.
(Stu Moo winner of five nobble piece prizes, Tue 18 Oct 2005, 23:03, Reply)

catholics cry in bed
Just to add my two cents to this little debate - some girls cry after they orgasm. Wierd? Yes. Bizzare? yes. Just plain wrong? Possibly, but there you have it.
Sex can (with the right person) be quite an emotional thing, and crying is one way of releasing that. NOT a guilt trip, NOT evidence of sexual trauma, NOT just for catholics....
(jaffafairy, Tue 18 Oct 2005, 21:08, Reply)

I'm embarrassed to admit I did this to my mum the other day
Me: I'm moving house.
Mum: Oh. That's not very convenient.
Me: What, for the NEC? For the shows you go to once a year?
Mum: Yes.
Me: You want me to not move because you need to stay over once a year? Even though you currently average one visit every four years? FOUR YEARS!
Mum: Yes.

The guilt trip thing doesn't really work on her.
(Pachey, Tue 18 Oct 2005, 20:46, Reply)

I can get hair dye for that, but you will always look like shit
My workplace is riddled to death with Nepotism. The worst example being the managers daugther who think she has ideas above her station, when, theoretically, isn't any more important or higher than me.

Anyhoo, while she was floating around the photocopier and fax machine doing something or other, she starts looking at me.

VN: "Oh, you've got a grey hair. Your getting a couple of grey hairs" (sniggers)

Me: "Now, I can get hair dye for that, but you will always look like shit".

Cue office pissing themselves laughing at my silently agressive reply. Given with a completely straight face and sharp, rapier wit.

One of the others in the office chirps up over the laughter "Who, what? who looks like shit now?"

VN: "Oh me, apparently. I look like shit accoring to (my actual name here). Don't I"?

Me: "Yep, got that straight!"

Utter, utter class.
(Panteneman Isn't entirely sure why he bothered on, Tue 18 Oct 2005, 20:32, Reply)

Fathers... I think they can mess you up
My Dad was first class at the guilt trip thing. He'd cheerfully leave me with strangers I'd never met, to be bullied, harassed and terrorised once he'd left for a six month jaunt as a holiday rep. Eventually I persuaded my nan to take custody of me, got it all through the courts, and told him. Was 11 at the time.

In spite of this...

At 18 my nan died. Thankfully I'd just got my first job so I soon had a paycheck. Dad left it up to me to deal with the funeral arrangements and so on, and two days before the funeral of his mother he buggered off on his annual jaunt to South America.

Still, I just carried on. The good old National Abbey (name made into a tough anagram to protect the innocent) cheerfully refused to let me buy the house my nan had lived in, so it got repossesed and they could make a huge profit on selling it on.

At this point, I'd scraped together what I could and bought a flat. And a car, because I needed it for work. I was, quite frankly, skint.

Now, sorry for all the pre-amble, but it's important to set the scene as to what a cunt my father could be.

A few months into my new flat I was getting by ok. Then it started. I got a letter. He'd been robbed in Ecuador (IIRC) and needed money to get by. About £1500 was needed RIGHT AWAY or he'd be in deep trouble. This was 1988, I was 19 then, and so it was quite a lot of money for me. So right away I telexed over what I could manage - about £100.

So the guilt trips, mostly by post, then started. Often written on scraps of mismatching paper.

"Is that all you could send me son? Don't you know you're the most important to me... the only one of my children who talks to me. It's very lonely being out here, all alone. No, I didn't take out travel insurance, it's too expensive. You need to help me son."

I had another £50. Sent that. I was trying to arrange a loan, but that was taking time as my credit rating was shot to hell by all the money I'd had to borrow anyway.

Next letter was along the lines of:

"Son, you're my only hope. The latest money you sent is barely enough to keep me alive. Every day I check to see if something's arrived, but I see nothing. I tell me friends here what a wonderful son you are, that you'll come through for me. But when they see I've yet to get any help from you they just shake their heads and tell me all kids are the same - they don't care about their parents. But son, I know you're different."

Bollocks. Thing is, I fucking hated him at the time. I knew what he was doing, but I wanted to help. I sent another little bit along, in spite of realising that he'd always been exceptionally vague about what he actually did in South America.

"Son, I'm really struggling now. I'm ill and really need more money in order to pay for health care. My sight has been failing me. I'm working illegally now with a travelling circus so it's very difficult for me to know what to do. I'll be at this phone number on the nth."

Panicking now about his health problems I started doing all sorts of things to try and solve his problem. I was severely bollocked for ringing Ecuador from work, but thankfully the boss started giving me contacts in the foreign office. The £600 loan came through, so I sent that off.

After a couple of days I'd got an agreement to get him flown home, paid for by the foreign office (as a loan to him, but with open-ended repayment terms), due to his ill health. I rang him with the good news.

To which point he asked me why he should come back to the UK where he'd still be ill, poor and no better off. He then said "And you've only sent me £600! What use is that? I told you I needed £1500! Don't you have a good job? Have you just pissed away your money?!"

That's when I gave up, silently hung up on the ungrateful bastard, and haven't spoken to him since. I had to sell the flat anyway coz I was skint, the car had to go and be replaced by a banger, and so on.

I'm going to Peru soon for a wedding. If I bump into him I'll forgive him for being a twat. But if he ever asks me for anything, ever, I'll want to kill him. Of course instead I'll probably just feel horribly guilty and cry myself to sleep - my heart keeps being convinced that I was a horrible and cold person for giving up on him, while my head keeps saying I was doing the right thing.

Length?! I could write a book about the guy.
(clopinettes, Tue 18 Oct 2005, 19:56, Reply)

Funerial Guilt Trip
Dad passed away last year. That's not very funny. Backstory is after a big family row we hadn't seen his side of the family for over a decade. When I finally met my Aunty at the reception afterwards all she said was "you must be XXXX. So sorry about your Dad. His father died of the same thing you know, and so did his uncle a few years ago."

Not quite what I was expecting from a new-found long-lost relative.

My response?

"Well if I'm next there's every chance we'll see you again then."

OWCH. I am not proud of this.
(Error 404 - Username Unknown, Tue 18 Oct 2005, 16:18, Reply)

Coping with Passive Agressive
I've had a few P/A expert girlfriends but as a result I've become adept at deflecting their P/A tendancies. Here's a couple of examples

Example 1
gf: Come on, you promised to cook dinner, I'm hungwry
Me: yeah, in a minute, I'm busy
gf: Tell you what, why don't you stay staring at that fucking computer screen while I just order in a pizza or burger and become big and fat?? eh?
Me: Oh you don't need to do that honey, I've already got your personality & horrid friends as reasons for dumping you when the time comes.
gf: fuck you (storms out)
Me: I'm only kidding, I'll cook it now
gf: don't bother, i'm not fucking hungry now
Me: ok sweetness (back to warcraft)

Example 2
(on a night out with workmates, mobile rings)
gf: You having a good time?
Me: Yeah, not bad what you up to
gf: Awh good. Me? Doing nothing really, just flopping on the sofa watching the box
(Just then a bargirl chatting to a guy next to me starts laughing)
gf: Who's that?
Me: Just a bargirl laughing with someone next to me
gf: Yeah fucking right....
I then get a good 2 minute earful of shouting and ranting which finishes with her screaming full volume at me 'well why don't you just go and fuck her then, it's obvious you want to'
(I'm thouroughly fucked off at this point and decided to retort with a put-down I'd once heard chubby brown use...)
Me: Yeah, maybe I will and hopefully she, unlike you, doesn't have a cunt as big as her mouth

They're both ex's now. Shame about the 2nd one especially, she had a really cute sister...
( sneep used to date Freddie Starr's hamster, Tue 18 Oct 2005, 15:34, Reply)