About As Funny As Death
Sort of fits. Me and a group of mates wandered into our slightly dodgy local one night and after our second beer noticed the lounge was a bit fuller than usual. A few moments later all becomes apparent as a terrible comedian starts his act. How did I know his act was terrible already you ask? Well imagine the quiet pub murmur being interrupted when a man who looks like he should be appearing on Crimewatch under the title 'Paedophile Hunt' wanders over to an impressively loud cd player and presses the play button. There then starts, no kidding, five minutes of recorded crowd chanting at a deafening level coming from the speakers, occasionally punctuated by his name. A distinct difference between the stunned silence from the people in the pub. This is a pretty good sign he's going to be terrible. The definitive proof comes in the use of the word 'nigger' in his opening line.

It's at this point we grab our stuff and walk into the other room as obviously as possible. As we leave I turn and see this little glint in his eye but think nothing of it. Until a few moments later that is. Just as we get settled in the other room we can (sadly) still hear him over the speakers next door. I hear him say "Watch this." and, lo and behold, he appears behind the bar in the room we've moved to, grinning at us (whoever invented wireless microphones is an arse). The smug get then starts into this little rant about how we've accidentally gone into the wrong room and how we're missing the hilarious entertainment. I turn round and tell him its a private party as casually I can manage, sure he's about to humiliate me. Sure enough he thumbs his nose and starts parroting me in a faux posh accent. "Oh I say, a private party, don't you know!" Needless to say I'm a smidge pissed off but then I'm suddenly struck by inspiration. I turn back to him making my bottom lip quiver and say, in a voice cracking with emotion, "Fuck off! We're having a wake you bastard!"

I can't explain how much I enjoyed seeing his jaw drop and the sound of his muttered apologies drifting from the speakers next door.
( Gleeballs is mostly made out of chocolate and hate., Fri 7 Apr 2006, 12:23, Reply)