Wasn't me, but...
One of my best friends at primary school, Laura, said her mum told her that she'd actually had a twin sister but at birth Laura came out first and farted in her sister's face, so she died.

Sweet Jeebus.
(Supermonkey, Sun 19 Jun 2011, 23:19, 2 replies)

I went with my girlfriend and a couple of friends on a summer vacation to a cabin in the middle of the woods.
Unfortunately, my mental illness re-emerged, I started imagining things and the others all ended up dead. I used a chainsaw and everything. My God, that was a mess.
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Sun 19 Jun 2011, 18:58, 13 replies)

My sister's husband
When my sister invited me to meet her boyfriend (husband as of yesterday!), he had only seen some very old photos and was told that we looked somewhat alike. What he didn't expect on his return home from work was to find us in the hallway of their house like the Shining sisters. With us wearing the same outfit, hairstyle, spectacles, he was taken aback because he knows that his girlfriend doesn't have a twin sister. He had a twitch of fear when he looked at us, but the crowning moment for me was the facial reaction somewhat akin to trumping with a possible follow-through as he wasn't prepared for me to have the same voice as his girlfriend. When we turned in unison, staring wide-eyed and whispered "Hello John" before bursting into high pitched laughter he all but ran back out of the door.

This story was told at the wedding reception yesterday as a means of introducing me to his family as "the fake-twin sister of the bride".
(Mrs Ballunatic counting calories, not votes., Sun 19 Jun 2011, 17:38, 2 replies)

technically not to one I loved
Some years ago I was trying to extricate myself from a relationship with a bloke who had been lovely for 3 weeks but had then turned into psycho paranoid twat. He worked shifts and would finish work sometimes at 0200hrs and then fetch up at my place with keys he refused to return to me. I couldn't get the locks changed as I was totally skint. I used to leave the key in the lock to stop him getting in but my dogs would raise holy hell and to save the neighbours sanity I had to get up and let the bastard in, he would usually then search the house for secret lovers and then demand I cook him a meal. If I refused he would launch into a tirade about how he 'couldn't continue to love me ' if I kept being so difficult.I got a bit tired of this as I had to be up at 0600 to do the horses and then go to work. My dogs also became a target for him and he would threaten to take them away and dump them somewhere or kill them, so I was completely demoralised and tired all the time. I couldn't get rid of him , he just would not leave me alone, and the police in the 80's were not interested until he actually murdered me. I hatched a plan which took a while to perfect, but I bided my time and eventually one day after his night shift he fell asleep after eating all my food, I got his keys out of his trousers without him waking up. I removed my door keys, and there in my palm were his shiny new bmw keys. I went out taking my dogs with me , and as they were excited about going out I thought I would give them a run down the fields then leave them with my neighbour whilst I did the deed. I then decided to kill two birds with one stone, put the dogs in his new BMW and drove it about 5 miles to a well known spot near Buckingham along the A421 where the dogging fraternity gathered.
It was hidden from the main road, the river on one side and a stone bridge that had been bypassed when they improved the road was a perfect spot. I walked the dogs about 5 miles up the river , they played, ran , and got very very dirty.
I then went back to the car, took off the number plates, shat in the boot, and scratched a rude word beginning with c on the bonnet.
I then walked home across the fields.
When got home, it was still asleep but stirred, and demanded food.
'who are you? I said, what are you doing in my house ,started screaming and generally feigned a nervous breakdown cross psycho woman type event. He was very groggy after being asleep and just could not take it in, I was dishevelled after a wintery walk with my dogs, it was getting dark, I was screaming and brandishing a broom handle, so he just looked at me and said I will come back when you have calmed down. I continued to 'no recognise' him and picked up the phone and said I was calling the police. He went out of my house, where upon I locked the door and started dancing about my house. At this point I must point out I lived in a very old end of terrace converted cottage thing, there were six in a row out in the wilds of Buckinghamshire and up a dark lane with no lighting. He must have got into the car park and feeling for car keys not found them and he came back to my door started hammering on it. It was raining and windy. I smiled back at him through the frosted window, then poked a large knife through the letterbox and told him to fuck off.

He did...
I have no idea what happened after that, except when the police arrived I was cleaned up. I was lucid, I was polite, I denied knowing him. My neighbour was round with me having a glass of wine, and she bless her denied knowing him as well.

he had never bothered to learn my dogs names, or knew where I worked as I had changed jobs and not bothered to tell him, so the police went away.


I think it took about 2 weeks for his car to be found, stripped of wheels and burned out. I didn't do that, but applaud the people who did.

I had accidentally thrown the keys in the river.

I still hate the bastard.
And MICHAEL JAMES if I ever set eyes on you again, I will spit in your face.
(Jessypuss Fiddling with stuff since 1957, Sun 19 Jun 2011, 15:12, 11 replies)

She's always cold.
This works best in the middle of winter.

On long car journeys she usually falls asleep after 10 minutes or so. I put the air con to the coldest setting and wait for the cold to start waking her up. I then put the heating on full blast.

When she finally comes to she can't work out why she's so cold yet the heater is on full. I've been doing this for years...
(Yellow Car is now red, Sun 19 Jun 2011, 14:54, 2 replies)

Sushi-based betrayal
After eating the best part of an entire school of tuna in my favourite sushi restaurant (not to mention drinking an entire orchards-worth of plum wine), I felt the need to chunder. I slipped away from everyone, and began yodelling in an alley. All very well and good, if a little disappointing.

Then I came back and, to compensate for my not-unnoticed disappearance, kissed my girlfriend.

With tongue.
In front of her sister, whom I was meeting for the first time.
On her birthday.

She didn't notice, and I never told her.
(a gun that fires other, smaller guns full of jizz, Sun 19 Jun 2011, 11:56, Reply)

someone elses story
Someone on here once relayed how he has been driving his luddite and unsuspecting wife nuts for ages by having the heated passenger seat set to uncomfortably warm.

Sir, I salute you.
( enoughblueskyforsailorstrousers, Sun 19 Jun 2011, 3:27, 2 replies)

Horrible things I've done to a loved one
A local pub had three different heat ranges on their Buffalo Wings. Mild, Hot, and Bet You Can't. The Bet You Can't verity where VERY hot! One night I ordered a dozen of them, but could only get about half of them at the pub. I took the rest home. Right before bedtime I ate a couple more and then rinsed my hand and went to bed. Me and the little woman started getting frisky under the covers. All of a sudden she let out a loud scream that could have woke the neighbors! In retrospect, maybe I should have WASHED my hands ;-) I followed her to the bathroom and she had both legs up on the wall with the faucet blasting the playground! BET YOU CAN'T! I BET YOU WONT TOUCH ME AFTER EATING THEM!
(Sniffels323, Sun 19 Jun 2011, 2:14, 5 replies)

She fell asleep (a pearost)
My ex girlfriend, Emily, and I were travelling home from Brighton on a beautiful Sunday afternoon two years ago. The journey itself was about an hour and a half long, so I thought it very rude of her when she fell asleep about 20 minutes from home, rather than keep me company. Afterall, she was meant to be navigating.

The part that comes next may go some of the way to explaining why we are no longer together. I pulled the car over at an angle down a country lane and up slowly in front of a tree so that the bumper of the car was just touching it. Then, I put my head down on the steering wheel, closed my eyes, stuck my tongue out the side of my mouth and sounded the horn.

"Shhiiiiiit! Wake up, wake up!" a rather startled Emily screamed, shaking my shoulders. "We've crashed!"

A broad grin formed across my face and Emily realised what I had done. She didn't speak to me for the rest of the journey.
(Monkey the Chicken Twitter: death_stairs, Sun 19 Jun 2011, 2:03, 3 replies)

she breathed on me wrong
so i spat in her tea.....i am 32 and she is my older sister...she ran to our mum to tell on me
(mermaeve is very trying, Sat 18 Jun 2011, 22:51, 4 replies)

I told them that when ice-cream van plays music,
it means they're out looking for kids to feature in their latest series of paedo-snuff movies.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Sat 18 Jun 2011, 21:54, 5 replies)

When I started dating my future wife we ended up in the sack for the first time together. Post-coitus she said 'You're the biggest I've ever had'.

'Ditto' said I.
( enoughblueskyforsailorstrousers, Sat 18 Jun 2011, 21:15, 2 replies)

Proving that all men are indeed Bar-Stewards
I dumped my girlfriend of two years after we returned from a holiday that she had paid for.

Let's just say it wasn't my proudest moment.
(Nitrous Nitrous, Sat 18 Jun 2011, 20:26, 4 replies)

I
made [insert loved one]'s [insert social media] look as if they liked [insert name of celebrity it is currently popular to hate]
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Sat 18 Jun 2011, 18:09, 1 reply)

I told them that when ice-cream van plays music, it means they've run out of ice-cream.

( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Sat 18 Jun 2011, 17:56, 6 replies)

Made his facebook account 'like' Justin Bieber

( moohalaa, Sat 18 Jun 2011, 16:45, 4 replies)

Juan Quar
reminded me of the time an ex told me I was rotten. It was in public too. A few friends heard and told other people and before I knew it every one said I was rotten. It was a low point in my life, but you know what, I am philosophical about these things, so I just said 'may the road rise again'.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Sat 18 Jun 2011, 13:09, 2 replies)

She never forgave me.
I was cooking for my then girlfiend. I diced an onion, but I didn't dice it finely enough for her tastes so she got angry.

I know what you are thinking. 'That doesn't sound horrible'. I thought the same.

Apparently though, it means that I never listened to her.

Then she said something along the lines of that I am a selfish bastard who can't understand that there are deeper things going on and that she needs to be with someone who appreciates what is important to her. I should pay more attention to what she is angry about and if I just looked at what the real issues are sometimes maybe we would have had a chance to stay together, but as it is, I don't seem to appreciate what is really going on and it's time to end things and blah blah blah.

Crazy bitch. I mean, who gets that angry about an onion?
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Sat 18 Jun 2011, 12:52, 12 replies)

A day out.
I once took a dear friend out for a day trip.
We were involved in a massive series of car accidents, though fortunately there were no fatalities as these were all low speed bumps.
I tried to improve things by getting them some nice candied fruit as a treat, but this did not go down well owing to the nausea brought on by the car accidents.
The day did not improve as she was asked by several if she was a bearded lady.

She never spoke to me again, on the grounds of my behaviour and the shitty day out.
On reflection, it was a fair ground.
(speedevil, Sat 18 Jun 2011, 12:22, Reply)

'You're rotten to me!'
When I heard those words from the current Mr Quar, echoing precisely the plaintive cry of the former incumbent, I knew that my continuous torrent of piss-taking, peurile practical jokes and general prattery had finally cowed him, too. Poor bastard.
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Sat 18 Jun 2011, 10:49, 2 replies)

I told her to read QOTW

( broadsword w⚓, Sat 18 Jun 2011, 10:06, 3 replies)

I'm in love with Oxford University's Dean of English Literature
and my job is writing signs for shops.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sat 18 Jun 2011, 2:22, 5 replies)

I have no contribution to make to this week's Q.O.T.W.

(Dr. G. P. McCann desperately needs a babysitter, Sat 18 Jun 2011, 0:09, 6 replies)

I pretended to be impotent
It's more difficult than you think and takes your imagination to some very dark places indeed.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Sat 18 Jun 2011, 0:01, 4 replies)

I loved her so much I divorced her
Oh wait...
(Vigilante Man weeps because you're stupid., Sat 18 Jun 2011, 0:00, 1 reply)

I Got SKY Sports Installed...

(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Fri 17 Jun 2011, 22:51, Reply)

Got a whole bunch of family and friends with an April Fools prank.
In 2006 I applied for permanent residency (green card). There was some issue as to whether it would be approved or not and I had to go through a lengthy review process.
On March 21st, 2008, I received an email saying that my green card was approved. Much celebration was had in the pub that night, with my friends bringing in American flags for me and red, white & blue cookies etc.

April 1st, 2008.......sat at work and my little bored brain comes up with an evil idea.
Apart from my brother...EVERYONE I sent this to fell for it:

*** DO NOT RESPOND TO THIS E-MAIL ***

The last processing action taken on your case

Receipt Number: MSC xxxxxxx
Application Type: I485 , APPLICATION TO REGISTER PERMANENT RESIDENCE OR TO ADJUST STATUS


Current Status: Denial notice sent.

On March 21, 2008, we mailed you a notice that we have approved this I485 APPLICATION TO REGISTER PERMANENT RESIDENCE OR TO ADJUST STATUS. Unfortunately, due to a frail loop error during processing, we sent you an incorrect notice. Your application to register permanent residence was DENIED due to not proving extreme hardship to the US Citizen. Please follow any instructions on the notice. If you move before you receive the notice, call customer service.

You will be receiving notification shortly to appear in front of an immigration judge - please follow any instructions on this notice or you could be taken into custody by ICE.

If you have questions or concerns about your application or the case status results listed above, please contact USCIS Customer Service at (800) 375-5283.


*Current processing times can be found on the USCIS website at www.uscis.gov under Case Status and Processing Dates.
*** Please do not respond to this e-mail message

Edit: I actually entered this in a contest (best April fools prank) for tickets to Blue Man Group and won!
(nolongernuts, Fri 17 Jun 2011, 21:39, 3 replies)

I faked my orgasm.
Only once, mind.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Fri 17 Jun 2011, 20:22, 2 replies)

I was deeply in love with my wife. We had it all: great jobs in the same profession, 3 beautiful children and a wonderful home
but somehow, that wasn't enough for her. After the twins were born she started complaining all the time, nagging me about the smallest things and finding fault with me when I was just trying to be happy. Then she started humiliating me in front of my friends, belittling me despite all I had sacrificed for our family. This was the last straw. The resentment grew and grew in me, and so I decided to destroy the very thing she cared most about in the world. I got my chance when we took a family holiday in Portugal. I found a man who, for just 10 thousand pounds, said he would take care of it for me. I waited to we were having a dinner party with friends, lots of witnesses and a perfect alibi for me.
I never asked what he did with our daughter, or how he disposed of the body. And with all the attention now, I guess I'll never know. But late at night when I see my wife crying "Why? Why our daughter?", I have to hide my satisfaction and pretend to be sympathetic. But inside I'm saying, "Fuck you, bitch. Call me a loser to my friends and see what you get"
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Fri 17 Jun 2011, 19:05, 4 replies)

I wanted a day off work
so I rang them up and told them that my girlfriend's dad had just died and said I had to comfort her. Got two days off and a couple later on in the week for the 'funeral'. Bonus. Never told my girlfriend what I'd done, though a couple of months later we broke up. Completely my choice. Honest.
(jonhimself, Fri 17 Jun 2011, 17:41, 1 reply)