More Housemates From Hell...
2000-2001 - Claire: So fat you had to either wait for her to speak or start eating before you knew where her mouth was. Had a Staffordshire bull terrier, which like it's owner was so corpulent it was often hard to tell which end was which. So difficult in fact that it took me 5 months to realise I had been inserting bonios into its rectum!

2001 - Clive: A bookish nerd with a beard in which lived remnants of a thousand meals and had a collection of Noel Edmonds sweaters. His room smelt of mouldy socks and sweaty armpits. Went on to write a paper on the Higgs Boson.

2003 - Hilda: A fiftysomething divorceé who inexplicably decided to live in a shared house. Her room was immaculate and smelt of "Evening in Paris". She took a shine to me and plied me with Pinot Grigio and Rohypnol before riding my hard glistening manmeat to several earth-shuddering climaxes each more cataclysmic than the last. The first I knew about it was when I awoke the next morning to a close up quarters view of her pudenda lazily leaking spent ejaculate onto the bedclothes.

2004 - Dylan: A pillhead with a honkyfro and a collection of speed garage CDs which sounded for all the world like a mix between a rapid succession of car alarms going off and the soundtrack of a man's heartbeat during a particularly complex coronary. He threw a party, dropped some weapons grade Ecstasy and spent the evening talking so fast only hummingbirds could understand him. Was last seen running naked up the fast lane of the M20 trying to overtake a Mondeo.
(Vic Flange, Sun 1 Mar 2009, 19:07, 3 replies)

Oh, dear...
I was going to write something like this:
"Wrote a paper on a Higgs boson? It must have been a short paper - and a sharp pencil! Oh, the Higgs boson..."

But then I got to 2004 and the line "talking so fast only hummingbirds could understand him" - and that, on its own, deserves a click thunderous enough to put Thor on the dole.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Sun 1 Mar 2009, 20:25, closed)

Wait
his beard had a collection of Noel Edmonds sweaters?

That's the very epitome of... something I don't wish to dwell on any further. Yikes.
( warmfuzzies Isn't here, Sun 1 Mar 2009, 20:51, closed)

I once emailed Noel Edmonds regarding said jumpers
as I was trying to explain to an American the difference betwwen what they called tank tops and what we do.

Noel replied, saying he had had them all burned along with any photographic evidence.
(bazmorningstar efil4nat3b, Mon 2 Mar 2009, 10:15, closed)