Time between shifts
Used to work at a ppub in North Yorks. Had shifts of 10 - 3 and 5 - 11. This was before all day opening. One hot summer, I decided to go read a book between shifts so took my car up to the local rugby club, wound down the windows and started to read. I noticed a few kids shouting and laughing in the background, then their Mum shouting stuff at them and then all was quiet - ah..peace...followed shortly after by a Uniformed officer knocking on the side of my car asking me what I Was doing and why I was looking at the kids playing in the street.

I explained myslef and with a "Well, better safe than sorry" comment she left. Followed shortly after by Mum appearing at my car window yelling at me that I was a diry perv and she would be calling the police. After calmy explaining that the police had already been and I was quite within my rights to stay here, she left with the vague threat of "My husband will be home soon...". I decided to go back to the pub instead.

My first answer to a QotW so no apologies for anything.
(Sodium, Fri 18 Aug 2006, 2:15, Reply)

Jeans
When I was in my teens I was sitting on the bus and it pulled in to let new passengers on. A woman in her late thirties got on the bus and went to sit down next to me. As she sat down she clocked my crotch and a look of absolute horror burst across her face. She though I was sitting on the bus with a raging boner, but it was just the curves my tight jeans made as I was sitting down.
(Dinky Pimp, Fri 18 Aug 2006, 1:35, Reply)

Sigh...
It happens quite abit, usually in supermarkets and stuff. Say you're sitting about, minding your own business, and someone with a baby comes along - the baby stares. You make faces at the baby and smile. You then hear "Get away from my child you filthy pervert" ahhhhh classic.

That and because I'm taller than most it always seems I'm staring at peoples tits...most of the time I'm not.
(7ilby is somewhat nifty..., Fri 18 Aug 2006, 0:42, Reply)

Not me, but a friend of mine...
We were sat in a park, four of us, after school, swinging on the swings.
After a while, some children came onto the park, and as the park is there for children, and police patrol the area after school hours (because of all the chavs that attended) we left the swings and sat ourselves on the round-a-bout.
Eventually, it became obvious that the children wanted to use the round-a-bout, so we were forced to move off it, and onto a bench.
At this point, one of our number procliamed loudly "God, I hate fucking kids!"
My reaction was to say, "OK, but I'm not God."
One of my other friends said, "Stop fucking them then."
It was only then that I realised what he had in fact said.

We all thought it was immensely funny. We're still making comments about them being a paedo to this very day, two and a half years later.
(tero if I had a website, this is where I would plug it, Fri 18 Aug 2006, 0:41, Reply)

Back at Primary School (again)
And we had a horrible teacher called Mrs. Crane who had a reputation for being a bitch. She was. I sat there with my book in my lap, tapping out the rhythm to the song that the lower class were singing.

Later on that day, Mrs. Crane says to me; "Please don't do that in class, all that touching yourself must be new, but really." I ran out crying and wondering how tapping a book on the underside was like touching myself.

She got fired the same year for harrassing students :D
(Sneakerdoodle "Have a cup of tea and toss yourself off", Fri 18 Aug 2006, 0:36, Reply)

During my days as Theatre Security...
I was honoured to be present at the Oxford Gang Show. For those lucky few who have never been, it's an annual show put on by all the local Cubs and Brownies clubs. For one glorious week the Theatre is filled with adoring parents (prepared to pay a tenner to see their daaahling sprogs embarrass themselves on stage).

For fairly obvious reasons, almost every parent comes with a camera. And for just as obvious reasons, no photography is allowed (photos sold by the clubs y'see!). It's not all greed, I mean would YOU want absolute strangers taking photos of your kid...in a bathing suit, singing "Surfin' USA"?

Which is why, when we received a message from Backstage, telling us that that they had spotted a bloke in a trenchcoat taking photos from the front row, I was dispatched rather quickly. It was immensely satisfying not only to climb across the front row to the gentleman in question, but also to inform him that the entire Backstage crew where now watching him through one of the little cameras mounted above the stage...Which one sir? The one that's pointing at us, sir...
(nancyboy Oooh that tickles, Fri 18 Aug 2006, 0:25, Reply)

The power of the interweb
A mate of mine, who reads this site, and knows who he is, just showed me how to properly stalk people on the web, by getting their home address and telephone number by using a whois search on their website and then using the BT online phonebook to get their number. Ladies, gents, and Mr Tumnus lookalikes, I suggest you go ex-directory. I know I am.
( jim_bob can herd cats., Fri 18 Aug 2006, 0:22, Reply)

old people complain too much.
a little while back i was sat on the bus, headphones in listening to chilli peppers with hands in pockets.
i almost always have my hands buried in the pockets of my 10" too wide jeans.
unfortunatly, i was listening to one song (can't remember what it was) and i started to tap my hands, intime to the music, within my jeans.
cue the bus driver walking up to me (the bus was parked) whilst being tailed by an interfeiring old woman.
i took my hands out of my pockets and pulled my headphones out to see what he wanted.
he told me that the fat old bitch behind him had said that i was pleasuring my self in public whilst listening to "audio Porn". he then asked to see my hands, (for spunk probably) inspect my pockets, (for holes?) and look through my mp3 player for any mildly erotic noises.
i had nothing and so he went back to driving the bus without saying anything to the stupid old woman.
Honestly, if i did have "audio porn" i wouldn't be wasting it sat on the bus into town surronded by pensioners.
( DR Mexico Hunt, Hunt, Hunt, He's The Huntsman!!, Fri 18 Aug 2006, 0:02, Reply)

Long coats
Always have this effect. Also, I apparently am good friends with one of the worst sex offenders in Sheffield. He's done time for it too so he says. Can't say any more as he is a member of one of the larger football firms and, well, I value my facial features.
( jim_bob can herd cats., Thu 17 Aug 2006, 23:58, Reply)

I fucked some kids and raped an old woman.
But other than that, I'll completely innocent.
( Laughing Boy, Thu 17 Aug 2006, 23:55, Reply)

Well ive been told...
My father once told his best mate over the phone, a woman whom i'd never met, about my gigaloo status in Plymouth. As a 15 year old boy with a large female gatherense of friends i was rather pleased with that and my status amoungst friends was raised to king of the pimps. Oh and the fact that i slap girls asses that ive never met gets that "you bloody perv" as well a lot.
(Seanus, Thu 17 Aug 2006, 23:54, Reply)

Casting more than the slightest glance in most people's direction tends to freak them out
I rarely get any further than that.
( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Thu 17 Aug 2006, 23:52, Reply)

Packet of Sweets, a Cheeky Smile.....
Holiday camp, Weymouth, 1999. Was one week of the year I could shake off that nerdy image and try and act cool. The cool place to go on camp was an arcade/bar/bowling alley at one end, it was there, in front of "House of the Dead", I met Jenny.

She was gorgeous, immaculately done up, with a pair of breasts that sit there, that enchanced, but not overbore her svelt frame. She spoke with a soft accent and had a smile that lit up the room. She was a gorgeous brunette.

We got chatting over the course of the week, and found out a shit load about her. The last night, she wanted to get drunk, so - with my beard and deep voice that pushed me through puberty at a young age - I got drinks for her. She promised to pay me back later. At around 11, she grabbed my hand, and took me up the hill. It was there, she grabbed my hands and placed them on her breasts.

"I can't go any further, but thank you Rhys" she whispered, as she dropped the straps on her top and undid her bra, leaving her effectively topless. Imagine that scene from Forrest Gump where Jenny shows Forrest her breasts first time. It was like that....

All was going swimmingly even though I had the touch of a rapist until lights switched on. Me, scared beard and all, grabbed hard onto Jenny's right nipple. Causing her to scream. Three big men ran out towards me and pulled me off her, hitting me and calling me a pedophile. One was her dad saying "She's 15 you dirty nonce! People like you disgust me! I bet you drugged her too!". Jenny, crying her eyes out and still topless was dragged back to her caravan by one of the men. I was taken into the main chalet for questioning.

I'd like to point out that I was 14 at the time, luckily I had my park pass with my date of birth on it to prove it.

Was let out by the men in the end saying "boys will be boys", and the rather more disturbing "hell, if you wouldn't of I would of*". I don't know what happened to Jenny, but if you are currently knobbing a girl called Jenny in Leicester, with gravity defying boobs remember this - I was there first.

Apologies for length, girth, and god knows what else.

* Yes, this is what he said /talk board, My grammatical abilities may be shit, but I know what he said
(rhyswynne - on every social network mullarkey known to man, Thu 17 Aug 2006, 23:50, Reply)

I work for a theatre
and was once sent to a rival theatre to see what their panto was like. On me own, to a matinee performance, which is when all the schools turn up.

So there I was, lone bloke in the middle of many groups of young children, watching Lily Savage prancing about, with obvious disinterest in the show.

After the interval, for some reason the teachers had moved the kids away from the weirdo in the stalls.
( Peregr1n @peregr1n, Thu 17 Aug 2006, 23:44, Reply)

crates and bums.....
A few years back, at work, we were moving offices. I was stood by a stack of empty crates talking to someone i worked with (a bit of a creepy old bloke) when one of the secretaries walked past and stopped for a chat.

I leant back a bit and put my hand out onto the crates as you do and continued the conversation, I then noticed the girl seemed to be getting upset with the creepy bloke while at the same time my hand was trying to get an urgent message to my brain saying crates arent meant to be soft and curvy.....yep you guessed it.

Suprisingly enough the excuse "Im sorry, I thought it was a crate" doesn't work very well. I'd advise anyone else planning on using that excuse not too.
(LargeDoner, Thu 17 Aug 2006, 23:38, Reply)

I live in fear of David Courtney
When I was at uni, a girl got sexually assaulted one weekend. Real nasty, too. Anyway, the police interviewed me about it, along with several other people in my halls who fitted the description of the offender. It wasn't me - I was at my grandad's funeral in Germany that weekend.

Anyway, years later, I'm having a 'brushes with the law' conversation with the barber. I told the above story, and he revealed that he was mates with East-End hard man David Courtney, a man not famous for his love of sex offenders. I spent the next weeks convinced that my barber & Mr. Courtney were waiting round every dark corner, ready to beat the shit out of me for possibly being a pervert and living 'on their manor'.

(FYI, the police caught the culprit - he lived 2 floors above me - and he got 12 years in chokey for his vile acts)
(daytripper, Thu 17 Aug 2006, 23:37, Reply)

takes me back
15 years old, playing tennis with my brother and his mates, one of whom had a fairly unpleasant Yamaha 250 - basically a Harley ripoff with chopper handlebars and a really low seat.

As it was a fairly hot day, and we were out in the countryside, after a couple of sets I took his bike for a run to cool down a bit.

I passed a couple of cars in the first mile, and couldn't help but notice that every occupant was pointing and staring at me as they came towards me, looking kind of shocked.

Took me another mile or two to figure that, because of the riding position of the bike (big petrol tank obscuring my crotch), and the fact that I was wearing only a pair of tan shorts, trainers and a helmet, I must have looked like I was tootling about the country on a big motorbike with my bits flapping.

Happy days indeed.
(trumpet, Thu 17 Aug 2006, 23:35, Reply)

Ahhh, well...
Recent as well, this one - go swimming regularly and recently managed to drag my dear ma along (seeing as she's old and rather unfit) - as I'm getting my gear out of those sihtty lockers they give you, this fleshy-coloured blur (I'm blind as a bat without my glasses) is opening the locker at the other end of the changing rooms...I think I recognise it, so I peer intently...then it occurs to me to put my specs on, and I'm eyeing up this surprisingly tall eleven-year-old girl in a two-piece costume. Look away embarrassedly, to see my mother and a pool attendant looking at me like I'm a fresh car crash...I guess they misread the look of interest on my face...

Bloody communal changing rooms. And bloody short-sightedness.
(salexc has nothing but respect for Handy Manny, Thu 17 Aug 2006, 23:16, Reply)

Kiddie fiddler
I was staying at a mate's house last year, in Bristol, and we were in the pub having a nice drink, and for some reason talking about what a crime it was that young girls seemingly aspire to dress like tarts from the age of about 10. We were, quite literally putting the world to rights, when I brazenly said, "yeah, mate, I was thinking that earlier. Your daughter's mate - cracking arse!". Now I knew what I meant. The point I was trying to illiustrate was that when 16 year-old daughter + mate had popped round to pick some stuff up earlier in the day, wearing very tight fitting, white, chavvy slut-jeans, she looked like she could well easily have been on her way to stand on a street corner or something.

"What the one in the white top?", he enquires?

"Dunno, I was too busy staring at her arse mate", says I, dialling up my blokieness to maximum.

Needless to say, his daughter's slutty mate, was actually his other daughter, who I'd never met before, who's 14. I've never felt such a cunt in my entire life.

it was quite funny though at the time. He didn't think so, and I didn't think so, but everyone else thought it was fucking hilarious.
( Tone Depear fucking rocks, Thu 17 Aug 2006, 23:13, Reply)

last week
whilst in the pub, one of my mates commented on my 'interesting choice of facial hair'. They said I had a pedos tache, to which I said 'No. It's my chester molester.' I think they took it seriously, it wasn't a joke. OK it was. Maybe.
( McBadger COW, Thu 17 Aug 2006, 23:09, Reply)

Me- a sex offender?!
You dont even wannna no my story







And you wont, as times up according to my prison guard. Twat. Although I do wish he'd do me up the bum. Mmmmmm.
( Paedosmile service with a grin., Thu 17 Aug 2006, 23:03, Reply)

I don't wear spectacles
But if I did, I'd do what a friend of mine did in a hoity toity hairdressing salon with loads of totty in.

He started fiddling underneath the cape they put around you to keep cut hair out of your shirt.

The hairdressing girls thought he was wanking, since the older, supervisor woman called him a "clatty bastard" and whipped off the cape. To reveal him cleaning his glasses.
( drunkenoaf, Thu 17 Aug 2006, 22:59, Reply)

Squirrel nuts
On holiday once in Florida, we stopped at some nature reserve thingy where you could buy some nuts and feed the 'people friendly' squirrels.

I noticed a little brown furry chap in front of me so I walked up slowly....crouched down slowly and held out a hand with some nuts. He soon got quite brave and started nibbling away.

Whilst doing this, I noticed a girl watching me. I'd glance at the squirrel, glance at the girl, glance at the squirrel, glance at the girl...etc....

I kinda noticed she was actually staring at me and not the squirrel. It was then that I looked down at the front of my shorts and noticed "other" nuts hanging out the side.

I promptly stood up and walked back to the bus.
(Big Phil, Thu 17 Aug 2006, 22:56, Reply)

I remember
Being in school and telling the girls to hold their two hands together for 25 seconds and then have them try to make their elbows touch. Needless to say, none could do it, but they did take their sweet time trying...

I think every man has a "hand in pocket fiddling with something" story, we should all have about thirty of them.
(not-a-brit Just another reason to bomb Lithuania, Thu 17 Aug 2006, 22:51, Reply)

No.
I never have said something that makes me sound like a sex offender, and I never will.

Ever wondered what fucking a little boy would be like?
( B.T., Thu 17 Aug 2006, 22:47, Reply)

I was sitting on a wall outside a church one afternoon
Happily enjoying the sun and the fact I had nothing much to do that day, when a woman pushing a buggy came past and screamed "Pervert!" at me.

I was genuinely shocked. It took me at least a minute to work out she thought I was sitting staring at the sex-shop opposite gathering the courage to go in.

Which offends me doubly - firstly that she felt the need to abuse nice people who were merely sitting in the sun, secondly that I'd have any qualms about wandering into a sex shop if I actually needed to buy anything vaguely disappointing that did nothing to help my then single status.

In fact, I'm still fuming about her self-righteous jumping to conclusions. Grrr.
( chthonic, Thu 17 Aug 2006, 22:46, Reply)

I was on the bus...
...when I noticed someone get on with their flies undone. I spent the rest of the journey agonising over whether to tell them until it was time to get off. As I pass him I say "word to the wise, your fly is undone." and point at his crotch.
As he's staring at me from the bus window as it moves away I see him pull hitherto unseen earphones from his ears meaning that basically what he remembers happening is a stranger coming up to him on a bus, and pointing at his cock.
(DrDerekDoctors, Thu 17 Aug 2006, 22:40, Reply)

I refuse to answer the question
on the grounds that I may incriminate myself.
( Scoopzilla http://www.slapwatch.com now get to fuck, Thu 17 Aug 2006, 22:32, Reply)

in primary school
i used to claim i was having staring contests with girls nipples

through the clothes of course

it wasnt THAT good a primary school
( CactusEater, Thu 17 Aug 2006, 22:27, Reply)

Mysterious Person
The police came and talked to me at my house in leamington spa because they had reports of a guy running up and down the street in the nude.
I was a bit shocked till i found out they were asking everyone on the street.

edit: ooh first post
(Orkran Mild Euphoria Ensues, Thu 17 Aug 2006, 22:27, Reply)