This still makes me cringe
I was drunk on a train from Waterloo, and there were a couple of women opposite me that were clearly partners. One was a lot younger with a shaved head, and they had been to see Cats.
They weren't unattractive, particularly the younger of the two and so I had a shot at chatting them up. We made small talk and I said "It's great, isn't it, that in cosmopolitan London a lesbian couple can be so open about it".
The older women replied "I am married to a man, and this is my 12 year old son". The son looked like he was going to cry, and having ruined an evening and probably caused a lifetime of therapy for the child, I just said "I'm so so sorry" and moved to the next carriage.
( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Fri 18 Aug 2006, 10:25, Reply)

East 17 gig
I went to see East 17 at Wembley quite a few years ago and remembering that you couldn't take glass bottles inside I finished a drink outside the venue and then joined the queue.

As I went in a security guard called me aside for a word and told me that a girl had said that I was eyeing her up and she was worried. The guard said that he would be keeping an eye on me, so perhaps he was the dodgy one.

I am male and was in my mid twenties at the time so hardy the 42 year old trucker that most posters are on here...
(Glen Moranjie, Fri 18 Aug 2006, 10:23, Reply)

A double wammy
This question and "My computer gave away my secrets" in one.. a work mate (who, fortunately, didn't understand the implications of the google autofill feature) typed something beginning with 'A' into google and the autofill came up with 'anal probe'.
"Anal fucking probe?!" he exclaimed, then just assumed it was the mucky old internet, up to it's naughty suggestive self again (hey, he is married to a catholic r.e. teacher). He brushed over it before I could splutter the usual..
"See, I was in the shower, when I slipped on the hoover and" ...erm...actually no excuses. I was looking to give the wife some bum fun.
(Countryslicker, Fri 18 Aug 2006, 10:20, Reply)

sex & England
"This is a question reply we don't have dogging in Australia, as far as I know.
It seems strange that anything to do with sex should be invented in England."

Uh, apeloverage... it's called "the English vice" (or "le vice Anglais" if you want to make it sound sexier) for a reason...
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Caning
(Emily Bruce-Dickinson http://jovialfellow.blogspot.com/, Fri 18 Aug 2006, 10:20, Reply)

Hans dat do dishes
I used to juggle luminous clubs (sorry) and wanted to paint luminous paint patterns (I was on drugs, see) onto rubber gloves to add to the 'show'.

I went into a chemist to buy 'washing up' gloves, and was shown a number of colours. Fine for washing up, but I insisted they must be black (for the 'illusion' to work). Cue many quizzical looks and me leaving empty handed and shame faced.
(Countryslicker, Fri 18 Aug 2006, 9:52, Reply)

A mate of mine was shouted at by an irate parent.
His crime was to be lurking around the school bushes.

He tried to explain that he was employed by the school as a gardener.

The woman didn't listen.
(champagnerocker, Fri 18 Aug 2006, 9:27, Reply)

I was caught at uni
I was caught shagging a gorgeous blonde girl in my year, from behind, over her car bonnet, in a really quiet spot behind the sports centre at uni.

Two workmen came along the track in a white ford escort van.

"Don't stop on our account!.."

They said, laughing, as we both tried to cover our modesty.

Not really in the spirit of the question I know.

I just like telling that story.
( cupboardy, Fri 18 Aug 2006, 9:21, Reply)

Frottage
Copied from an entry in my blog from a while back...

Some years ago I was heading home from work on London’s Northern Line. My train arrives at Leicester Square, slap-bang in the middle of the rush-hour, and is packed. I squeeze on, followed by a couple of dozen fellow commuters, and pretty soon we’re all scrabbling for air and room to stand.

I’m crushed between four people at a near 45% angle, but can’t move to make myself more comfortable, a predicament heightened when the train pulls to a stop in the middle of a tunnel and shows no sign of moving. I try and tug myself into a comfortable position (so to speak), at which point the woman I’ve been leaning against swivels round, glares at me and shouts, “EXCUSE ME! WILL YOU STOP TOUCHING ME?” The entire carriage goes silent and two hundred heads turn to stare at the pervert in their midst. It’s awful. I redden from head to toe, mumble a denial, and am grateful that the train starts to move almost immediately. I flee at the next station, leaving behind a wake of silently shaking heads, as others mutter angrily about how London simply isn’t safe for women travellers these days.

Wanna know the really weird part? The woman concerned was a former (very minor) Coronation Street actress.
( Fraser has joined the Moomins., Fri 18 Aug 2006, 9:03, Reply)

we don't have dogging in Australia, as far as I know.
It seems strange that anything to do with sex should be invented in England.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 18 Aug 2006, 9:00, Reply)

They thought I was dodgy, I was just being helpful, m'lord!
I went into work one day at BK, and on the way up the stairs to go to the staffroom to get changed, I see a young girl, crying her eyes out.
I go up and ask her if she's ok, and she says "No, I've lost my mummy".
Being a helpful chap, I tell her to come with me and we'll go and see the manager. She was scared so I held her hand and started walking down the stairs.
"What the hell are you doing?" I hear shouted in my direction. A woman comes running down the stairs, grabs the kid, and marches off before I have chance to explain my deeds.
I think nothing of it, go and get changed and then start my day as normal.
A few hours later I get asked to go into the office for a chat with the manager. The manager has just received a call from the police saying that a woman had reported a "weird looking character" who tried to take her kid and claimed to work there. My manager, bless her, deduced that it could only have been me, considering at the time I had flame orange dreads and a double nose piercing.
Oh, how we laughed!
Next time I'm going to ignore the kid and let's see if the mum likes seeing her daughter on the front pages of all the newspapers.
( gadjie, Fri 18 Aug 2006, 8:59, Reply)

I know I'm getting old

a while ago I saw a scantily-clad teenage girl and my instinctive first thought was "wow, she much be cold".
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 18 Aug 2006, 8:59, Reply)

Dogging Adventures, apparently
I pulled over as my car had overheated, into a carpark just off the city centre. I turned off the engine, turned on the inside light and began to roll a spliff. Suddenly my peace was shattered by a very bright light shining through the windscreen from the top of a Police People Carrier. I dropped the weed, hid my other gear beneath the seat and got out, expecting to be searched and already thinking of excuses to tell my gf. Fortunately, however, they thought I'd be shagging randoms so after a piece of fatherly advice about the usual activities of people in the car park after dark and a chuckle they left me to it.
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Fri 18 Aug 2006, 8:57, Reply)

Outside a pub in Drayton
I was saying goodbye to a female friend (I'm a bloke), and was, and still am, very into extremely long black floaty coats, knee high boots etc.
One of the local taxi companies had turned up to collect said lass, and was relatively unmarked for a taxi. It only had the registration plate above the bumper to prove any relation to its company and something very subtle painted on one side, no flashy lights with 'taxi' screaming out of them or anything.
So she leans into the car window to talk with the driver, realises that she owed me for the last round of drinks, pays the driver in advance and gives me the change, then goes to hop into the back of the car. We both look up and find ourselves looking straight at a police officer looking very interested in what we were doing. When he heard the driver of the car shout 'taxi mate' he drove off.
Didn't really sink in I could have been done for pimping till about two days later. Will teach unruly goths to hang outside pubs with young scantily clad ladies...
(Tix Keeper of the Smurf, Fri 18 Aug 2006, 8:39, Reply)

Another One
Not me, but a mate of mine is the most innocent man in the world. He has 3 children, between the ages of 2 and 6 - and almost bores us to tears with photographs of the cheeky blighters.

Anyway (this is where I come in), I said to him to try Flickr, so he can put his photos online, give the relatives and friends the URL, so he wouldn't waste valuable drinking time.

Anywho, I went on his account and there was a category there called "bathtime".

Anybody else and I would of called the old bill, but knowing him, I rang him up and explained to him the 'dangers of the internet'

He took them down.
(rhyswynne - on every social network mullarkey known to man, Fri 18 Aug 2006, 8:19, Reply)

The perils of drink
After a very heavy drinking session last week, and having failed to find a woman desperate enough to sleep with me, I staggered home and ended up blowing chunks on the kitchen floor.

Chunks is my dog.
(Hampton St.Roker (has probably had your mum), Fri 18 Aug 2006, 8:12, Reply)

A policeman threatened to arrest me and put me on the sex offenders register
On one angry, tequila-fuelled night I may well have ended up mooning traffic outside the pub, only for the second car to come past to illuminate my buttocks in a flashing blue light.

I'm not a huge fan of the police to start with*, and the copper that got out was, to my mind, the very worst sort - short, young and mouthy (his female partner it has to be said was actually very professional). The conversation probably started going down hill when he asked "what if that had been my granny driving down here?" and I replied "I think she'd have been quite turned on".

When I was asked for ID, the only thing I had was some mock-business cards my friend had made me for my birthday with "Gothic Sex Icon" written on them which I suspect didn't help my cause.

Anyway, to cut a short story shorter; he went on to threaten to put me on the sex offenders register which seemed a bit harsh, and ended up him telling me I had a small penis, me calling him a cunt and the female officer dragging him back to the van and the 2 of them leaving.

*I was a hippy when I was a teenager and came from a small rural town.
( Fenris temporary Lazarus, Fri 18 Aug 2006, 8:01, Reply)

summarised email exchange.
young lady: hee hee, you are so bad, I might just spank you.

me: ha ha, only if I can spank you afterwards.

young lady: GOD, you never give up do you, how many times do I have to tell you I am *not* interested in having sex with you?


(note: unlike many of my stories, this actually happened. this was the same woman who I had previously had this email exchange with:

young lady: do you really work for the Tax Office?

me: no, I actually run my own record label, but I pretend to work for the Tax Office so I can appear powerful and interesting.

young lady: do you really own your own record label?

so I pretty much deserved everything I got after that.)
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 18 Aug 2006, 7:57, Reply)

Oh and another thing...
I was working in Los Angeles a few years back and having an afternoon off, decided to go for a walk. Eventually I arrived at an outdoor pool where some kind of carnival was going on. Lured in by the smell of sizzling sausages, I wandered over, bought a hot dog and a coke and sat down to eat. After about two bites I spotted a group of large very scary looking fathers headed my way while other stood and pointed. Apparently the parents of the south central LA school swim team which was racing that day - all of them under 13, I might add - wanted the only white guy in attendance to leave. So I did. Rapidly.
Shit hot dog anyway.
( difficultchild, Fri 18 Aug 2006, 7:55, Reply)

at camp, when I was 13 or so
I thought it'd be funny to stick my nob into my Weet-Bix.

People laughed, but I didn't have any other breakfast and obviously I couldn't explain why I wanted a new one. So everyone was totally disgusted when I ate it.

I was a cereal sex offender.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 18 Aug 2006, 7:55, Reply)

Pervert, Moi?
After drinking one too many Malibus and needing to pee badly, I rushed into the ladies bathroom at this club I used go to in college. There was no queue, but all the stalls looked occupied. I waited politely for a minute, giving the ladies time to zip up and haul out - but then the urgency grew too intense. No one seemed to be leaving the stalls. Surely, I thought, all the stalls cant be full. So in my desperation to find out, I leaned over and put my ear to each door, trying desperately to hear the familiar drop-drop or the even better zip-zip, but to no avail. There was no sound. I then bent down to take a quick peek under each door, looking for shoes....Well, this looks slightly weird written down, so it must've looked weirder to the girl who came into the bathroom behind me. Her expression was one of angsty disgust, as if someone stomped on her foot and spit on her at the same time. The rest of the night, I was labelled 'The Lesbian'
(Candy-O <-likes scotch, Fri 18 Aug 2006, 7:51, Reply)

Fair enough really
As an aging skateboarder, I usually have enough on my mind when I get out the board, ie, I hope my knees still work, bloody hell I wish I'd given up smoking years ago, damn I should have kept practicing (insert trick here) so I wouldn't have to re-learn the thing now etc etc etc.
Lately however, I started skating at a new park and noticed that when I rocked up, parents would come over for a chat about the weather, what a good facility it was and so on.
What a nice bunch of friendly people I thought... until last week when one confessed that they were convinced I was an old perve there to try to roger their kids.
Slightly deflating... although a couple of the mums are a bit of alright!
( difficultchild, Fri 18 Aug 2006, 7:46, Reply)

Flasher
This is a few years ago and might be one of those you-had-to-be-there stories.

My friend Robert and I used to go to a pick-up game of football every Sunday afternoon when we were in university. Once, after a game, we were supposed to head over to the city park to meet some friends for a barbecue.

I hadn't brought a change of clothes so I was in my shorts. Just for fun, I threw on a long trenchcoat and some sunglasses. That way you could see my bare legs sticking out from under the coat, and there was no sign that I was wearing anything underneath it.

We walked around the park a few times (it was very large and very crowded). For some reason parents kept a close eye on me and kept their kids from getting too close.
(racetraitor has an alibi for, Fri 18 Aug 2006, 4:55, Reply)

some tshirt slogans I've seen for large-chested women:

"I'm up there", and

"I see you've met the twins".
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 18 Aug 2006, 4:52, Reply)

I'm not a real gynaecologist

but I'll have a look.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 18 Aug 2006, 4:49, Reply)

madam, can you please tell your boobs

to stop staring at my eyes?
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 18 Aug 2006, 4:26, Reply)

I'm the one always accusing older men of being dirty perverts
But you can't blame me. In a cinema packed with little kids, guess who got the lucky seat next to the man wanking at Wallace and Gromit?

Ugggghhhh.

I look considerably younger than I actually am (I've passed for 15 or 16, and I'm in my 20s), so I get a lot of pervs bothering me on a near-daily basis. Actually, it's become fun trying out new ways to tell them off. My current favourite is, "You don't look a thing like my dad." Works a treat - they scramble.

But the terrible thing is when lying and telling thirtysomething-year-old men, "No, I'm 15 and I'm not the slightest bit interested, please leave me alone" isn't enough to get them to piss off. Now that's just creepy.

I don't hate men, but walk a few days in my high heels and I think you'll understand where I'm coming from...
( KersaI Missive Free Michael Shields! with Monday's Liverpool Echo, Fri 18 Aug 2006, 4:13, Reply)

Apparently I'm a sex offender .. well not me
My grade 4 teacher was a dirt bugger. Used to stand up in front of the class and do groin streches, and had been known to stratch his testicles on the corners of tables as he was talking to students. Once he hit a cricket ball into a students nuts. Being a nice teacher he said-thats what we call mashed potatoes. Didn't help that that student was me and i was lying in pain with severe scrotal damage. He eventaully got fired for telling a girl she was a disgrace to the school and a disgrace to her family. Wish the fucker good riddance dirty little man
(Tinbum is having a merry old time, Fri 18 Aug 2006, 3:37, Reply)

I thought someone was a perv
I started my new job almost a year ago, and figured out where the smokers go.
There was one guy that used to be among us smokers, and he would always nudge me with his elbow and kind of do a hip thrust.......now, although I live in 'merica, I'm not a "sue everyone" type, so I figured I'd have a word with HR.......

I'm not kidding here at all, but it turns out the guy has tourettes - the twitchy kind. Boy was I mad - he could have at least had the sweary kind!

Of course, after that, I taught him English swear words such as Wanker and Bollocks, and now he shouts them at appropriate moments and blames it on the tourettes.
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Fri 18 Aug 2006, 3:34, Reply)

Monster On A Boat!
I was on a cruise around the Caribbean, I went into a shop in Antigua and while I was browsing around I heard one of the 'locals' tell her unruly kid that: "If you don't behave one of the bad white men from the big boat will steal you away."

Obviously too good an opportunity to pass up, I waited until the mother wasn't looking then did my best 'monster' pose (scary face, both hands raised like claws) and went RRRAAAAA! right in his little face.

I swear that his feet actually left the ground, unfortunately he also screamed hysterically and ran out of the shop followed by his mother yelling at him to stop and then beating him all the way up the road.

Ooops!
(SproutsAreEvil, Fri 18 Aug 2006, 3:31, Reply)