Made another girl look like a sex offender
When I was in Year 4 at school (age 8/9) my mum decided now would be the time to teach me how to use a condom (Yes my mother is a feminist and views sexual knowledge as the first step to emancipation, guess she was trying to give me a head start. A year later she would take it upon herself to lecture me on the harmlessness of masturbation. "It's okay, as long as you wash your hands afterwards") Anyway, she took one out of my dad's bedside cabinet, showed me how to put it on a banana and told me how important they were. Fine.

There was a girl at school I didn't like. You know the type. Tall, thin, blonde, looked like a perfect angel, had all the teachers wrapped round her little finger, would have been head cheerleader if we'd had a cheerleading team. In short, she was an uber-bitch who made making my life hell her purpose in life. She would tell people not to be friends with me. She used to bring in sweets, share them with everyone and then pointedly tell me I couldn't have one. She once told me I was so ugly nobody would ever want to have sex with me. She had it coming to her...

So after being shown this nasty, slimy contraceptive by my mother I decided the perfect recipe for nine-year-old revenge would involve stealing another one from my dad's drawer, taking it to school and planting it in the blonde bitch's bag so that everyone would think she was a total slut.

Everything went perfectly to plan. I placed it sticking out of her bag slightly, told the biggest gossip in the school and waited. Since my friend and I were the first people to have seen it, we were grilled by the headmaster for ages about what sort of sick individual might place such an object in a sweet innocent girl's bag, hehehehe...

Anyway, I didn't get caught but her parents did get an interesting visit from a social worker.

Unfortuantely, when my dad noticed that the condom was missing (which I never dreamed would happen since my parents hated each other and hadn't slept together for years) he accused my mother of having an affair and threatened to kill us all. I still didn't confess. I am evil.
(grandmasterfluffles Come to my Armageddon party on, Fri 18 Aug 2006, 12:20, Reply)

nearly a sex offender
A few years ago while i was still at school we had this fit science teacher who every lad and a few girls who would love to have there way with her.in one lesson i was so horney and needed a wank so bad (i hadnt had 1 for a day) and fortuanly i got sent to the back of the class for been a little bastard, i dunno why but the teacher shouting at me was turning me on so i unzipped my fly to let the snake out. So there i am playing with my cock when teacher ask me a question i just stared (i was in shock) then luckly another teacher came in to talk to her giving me time to zip back up i didnt get caught but it was close if that teacher didnt come in i'll probably be getting arse rammed in showers today for been a sexual predator.
(branflakes, Fri 18 Aug 2006, 12:20, Reply)

txt offender
Once I received a message saying "please can you send me the Gareth Gates ringtone?"

I laughed, assuming it was a mate with a new mobile number....anyway, these txts were coming constantly and using my name also...hmmm....realised it wasn't one of my mates....so assumed it was an Irish ex-girlfriend ,(we'd had a somewhat messy split) and started replying stuff like "R U GETTING LUBED UP FOR ME PADDY"

and "I REALLY ENJOYED FUCKING YOU UP THE ARSE"

one Saturday night I got a phone call from some rather concerned parents calling me a pervert asking why I was txting filth to their 13 yr old daughter and threatening to phone the nonce squad..woooaaaaahhhh....once I explained, I threatened them with harassment....and changed my mobile number.
(Soulisdead, Fri 18 Aug 2006, 12:11, Reply)

I've been the stranger...
Thinking that someone's a perv before...

On holiday with the family in somewhere with a beach, Majorca I think, aged 12-13. So one evening we head down to the beach to sit in the evening sun and just, y'know, chill out.

After about ten minutes a rather bronzed couple sits on the beach about 10 yards in front of us. They lie down, then the girlie cuddles up to, then eventually on top of, her bloke. Then they produce a towel from nowhere, and cover up the bit betwixt stomach and knees. I think you can see where this is headed, though to their credit they did at least keep quiet the whole time.

As did my family, who refused to move just because some couple was rutting on the beach in front of them. Once the cuople were done, off they went, and my parents started up conversation again as if nothing had happened. When I mentioned that they'd been quiet, my Mum pointed out that "Well, it seemed rude to interrupt"

Actually, come to think of it, we probably looked more of a bunch of pervs than they did.... At least they weren't sitting there watching with an underage boy....

Long? Yes, but not as long as the silence.
( Sonic James Doom forgetting the date since... umm..., Fri 18 Aug 2006, 12:10, Reply)

I was the sheep which got caught in the barbed wire
Various dodgy characters approached me over time and shagged me. A few of them got caught but got away by pretending that they were trying to free me. I'm still haunted by the experience.

It's all true.
(spinoza, Fri 18 Aug 2006, 12:08, Reply)

Hanson
I am so pleased I wasn't the only one who found the hnason boy fit.

Although I'm bi now so possibly still feeling the fall out from the sexual confusion.
(luckymcdanger, Fri 18 Aug 2006, 12:01, Reply)

Peeping Tom...
A couple of years ago I was minding my own business walking down my road and was greeted with a rather unsavoury scene.

I live on a fairly nondescript suburban street in North London. Rows and rows of 1930s semi-detached houses occupied by polite people who never speak to each other. Almost all of these houses are fitted with net curtains.

What a curiously British phenomenon the net curtain is. I'm not particularly well-traveled, but have never, ever seen a net curtain in any other country. Basically, for any confused Americans reading this, a net curtain is a device which allows you to spy on your neighbours safe in the knowledge that they can't see into your house. Unfortunately they also block out a phenomenal amount of light, thus contributing to the general British sense of perpetual dissatisfaction, quite surprising since we spend such an inordinate amount of time bitching about the weather. Yes, we really like our privacy in this country. Or at least, most of us do....

So anyway, I was walking down the street when a sudden movement caught my eye. The house in question had no net curtains, and there was a couple having sex in the upstairs bedroom. You couldn't actually see that much. What I did get a really hardcore view of was the woman's feet - she was lying on her back with her legs in the air and you could just see her feet, and the top of the bloke's head. The fact that all I could really see were these feet floating around in mid air made the whole scene even funnier, and I was standing on the pavement laughing like a maniac - until the man must have got the feeling he was being watched because he suddenly stopped what he was doing and looked straight at me as if I was some sort of pervert.

If you're going to have sex in front of a window in broad daylight, what do you expect!
(grandmasterfluffles Come to my Armageddon party on, Fri 18 Aug 2006, 11:57, Reply)

I told the judge that....
it was surprise sex. Not even a fine.
(Stuster is a dirty little rat bag, Fri 18 Aug 2006, 11:55, Reply)

Sheep shagged
Not my story a sheep friend of mine told me it.

One day he's walking through the countryside when he see's a man tangled up in a barbed wire fence, being the nice sheep he is he goes over to help the man, but having no opposable thumbs he struggles to free him. All of a sudden another sheep comes along and accused my friend of shagging the man, oh how we laughed.
(Pesky Eskimo Gadzooks!, Fri 18 Aug 2006, 11:54, Reply)

There's a guide to Autralian shagging coming out
Apparently the usual form of foreplay is the man shouting "Wake Up"
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Fri 18 Aug 2006, 11:52, Reply)

Sexual harassment
I was once interviewing people for a job, and this particular candidate was a shy Muslim girl. After I had completed the interview, I got up to shake hands and see her out, and I realised that my fly was not only open, but also gaping like a zippered Goatse, and had been throughout the interview.

It occurs to me that she wasn't shy, but was *scared*. Though not of the length.
(lardaholics anonymous, Fri 18 Aug 2006, 11:52, Reply)

Dads takin photos?!
At my neices 4th birthday party there was lots of little boys and girls running around and lots of parents standing around tryin to be friends. During this time my amatuer photographer dad was gettin photographs of his granddaughter playing as any good grand father would.

At this point mr.other kids father comes along and states "stop taking photos of my child or i'll see you in court". The repsonse was, initally, "What?!" He continued to say "i dont know who you are or what you're doing with those photos" to which my dad replied - "thats my granddaughter, if you don't want me takin photos of your kid kindly remove said kid from in front of my lense".

I think we all got photos of the day except for "them".
(hatofjam built a friend out of lego on, Fri 18 Aug 2006, 11:42, Reply)

Christian pervert
I was told this story by a very well-known Christian preacher at a religious festival thing.

He'd got in a lift with his assistant and stood at the back, facing forward as one normally does. His assistant whispered to him that he'd noticed his flies were undone so now would be a good time to do them up.

However, the lift was fairly full and there was a woman wearing a long floaty scarf standing directly in front of the preacher. As he tried to do his flies up, the scarf got caught. The lift then stopped, and the woman started to walk out.

So he grabbed her and said 'wait a minute, I've got to do this'. Whereupon she turned round and was greeted with the site of an internationally renowned Christian preacher struggling to get his zip undone. Class.
(Pachey, Fri 18 Aug 2006, 11:33, Reply)

Apparently I look like a sex offender
...thus demonstrating a consistent attitude towards the police that remains to this day...

About the age of 12 I was walking down a main road with a schoolfriend of mine. We were stopped by a lone policeman who informed us that he had heard reports of someone fitting our description (we look very different) flashing.

My immediate response was "So, Do flashers normally go around in pairs?"

End of conversation - he just wandered off.
(36poison, Fri 18 Aug 2006, 11:24, Reply)

Wanking
I was sitting around the house one day watching telly in my lounge, I had pulled a big armchair with high backed sides, you know the type they use on telly, when they are reading and wearing smoking jackets etc up closer to the telly and was watching a film with a cracking sex scene in it, now being stoned out of my gord, I felt a bit horny so proceeded to get my cock out and start having a wank, there was a chorus of outraged voices at that point, and then I remembered through my druged up haze, that I was actually watching the film with 3 of my mates, and they wondered what the fuck I was doing, oh the shame.
(Globalnote, Fri 18 Aug 2006, 11:22, Reply)

detached youth work
I once took a job as a "detached youth worker" for the council.

The job basically entailed myself and a co-worker ( female, thankfully) wandering around a prescribed area trying to talk to young people. Funnily enough, quite a few people thought we were wierdos (the rest thought we were undercover police). They were rather slack in providing us with ID, which really didn't help matters.

The worst bit was when one of the girls we were working with developed a bit of a crush on me. She was about 11. One time without any warning she jumped on my back and declared to the world that "he's my boyfriend". I fled. thankfully, as it was I'd just given my notice anyway, as I'd got a nice safe job playing with photoshop.

At the same time I also worked as a special needs classroom assistant. Just because I noticed the little girl in the playground had no knickers on didn't mean I was looking. It was just hard not to notice when she was doing cartwheels in a skirt. Thankfully everyone else had noticed too, so I could just look the other way and let someone else sort it out.
(teasus likes tea, Fri 18 Aug 2006, 11:15, Reply)

sheep shagger...
This isnt my story, but was related to me by a friend who isnt renowned as being a teller of tall stories so i can only assume that it is true...

He is into windsurfing, and would often travel 10 miles or so up the road to a local reservoir to indulge his hobby. It was quite a walk from the car park to the water, so he would change in his van and then walk down with his gear to the water. After an afternoons surfing, he is heading back to the van when he hears a distressed baa' ing - and looks across to the field running alongside the water to see a sheep caught up in the wire.
He drops his board and runs over to help the animal, standing behind the sheep as he pulls the wire from around it to release it.
At this moment he hears a scream from behind him, turns to see a man and a woman walking a dog who have just been confronted by the sight of a man dressed in rubber apparantley giving a sheep what for.
(Aleister Crowleys Badger Nothing to see here, Fri 18 Aug 2006, 11:09, Reply)

we get customers telling us exploits
Well not intentionally, but hey, we gotta get shits and giggles from somewhere.

Some of them are quite pervy, but the one that seemed to fall best into the "Bestiality Sex Offenders Gratton Autumn/Winter Catalogue 2006" was by asking me how to explain to a twelve year old about a picture of a "woman pleasuring a horse".

"I'm sorry, that's not supported madam" was about the best response I could produce before pressing mute and pissing myself laughing.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Fri 18 Aug 2006, 11:08, Reply)

Sheep shagging
I went to university in a little town in a Welsh valley. It being Wales, we were surrounded by sheep. The halls of residence backed onto one of these sheepy fields, giving the students a view of a lovely pastoral scene.

One night a couple of gentlemen friends of mine were out very late walking around the halls when they heard a bleating. Going to investigate, they found that one of the sheep had become caught in the barbed wire fence and was somewhat distressed. Being good-hearted souls, they tried to free it, but having no knife to hand, they began to try to untangle it in the dark.

So when the porter came around on his nightly patrol, he found the two men manhandling a loudly bleating, very unhappy sheep.
(Pachey, Fri 18 Aug 2006, 10:59, Reply)

"remembers another"
Met this nurse in a nightclub once, had quite a bit of fun with her (wink wink).

A few weeks later, I bump into her again in the same club, and she leads me out of the club to somewhere quieter. This "somewhere quieter" was a small lane about 2 roads behind the club, and behind this small bush. We start getting it on, and in mid thrust a torchlight shines on us from behind; magically creating a silhoute of me ass outline on the wall in front of us. I turn around and there's a cop car parked beside us with two coppers, one of which is leaning out of his window holding the torch.

"Everything alright?" he asks.

I burst out laughing and shout "Fuck off!"

The copper's quite confused by this and then amazingly says "Sorry both", turns his torch off then drives off.

I couldn't finish that shag after that; the moment had lost it's romance.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Fri 18 Aug 2006, 10:56, Reply)

apparently Lonely Planet has released a guide to good sex in Britain

Well, a timetable for the ferry to Europe anyway...
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 18 Aug 2006, 10:55, Reply)

Porno obsessed cock-whore
After uni in 1998 I got a stop-gap job at the local Airport working in the shop-cum-newsagent. Two of us had to stand in a cramped little booth and serve the masses.

As it was an airport newsagent we sold a lot of magazines, but most of all we sold a lot of porn mags, usually to businessmen who obviously spent many lonely hours furiously masturbating between business meetings.

However, because families & children frequented the shop the porn mags had to be put in these special plastic bags that covered up the cover but left the title of the magazine visible.

On my first day they had me putting a fresh batch of porn in these plastic bags. "Result!" you may think, the perfect job. Wrong...there were hundreds of the bastards to get through and for obvious reasons I couldn’t do it in clear view of the customers, I had to kneel down in the tiny booth with piles and piles of porn mags around/under me while my colleague continued to serve the airport customers. I had to work fast as the quicker I bagged the fuckers the quicker we could get them out of the booth and get some breathing space.

So there I was knelt down in a sea of porn all hot and flustered with my head at the crotch height of my work colleague who was paying more attention to the magazines than he was to his duties...

Me: "I can’t get this one in"
Colleague: "You broke your rhythm now, take it out and put it back in"
Me: "No, its almost there"
Colleague: "You'll rip it"
Me: "Can’t we swap places, I’m getting cramp in my knees"
Colleague: "I spent my first week here down there doing that, just get on with it"

"Ahem!" coughed the customer neither of us had noticed, "When you boys are done I’ll have 20 Lambert & Butler"
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Fri 18 Aug 2006, 10:54, Reply)

Thai moon
Myself and two friends - Miss S and Miss C - were on holiday in Koh Samui and had a very nice evening out involving copious amounts of both wine and spliffage. C had hired a moped (the lazy bugger) and stumbled round the corner to collect it, wherein S decided it would be hilarious to pull down her jeans and moon C as she came trundling unsuspectingly round the bend on said vehicle.

Giggling like a loon, S bend forward and wiggled her behind in the direction of the rapidly approaching moped, and given that she is blessed with pale Irish colouring, her fleshy bum glowed poetically in the light of the (real) moon.

It was at this point that I looked around and noticed that her intended victim was currently standing at the end of a side street watching quizzically as the scene played out. Had I not been laughing hysterically and unable to form a coherent sentence, I might have managed to tell S and prevent the unfolding disaster.

Given the position that S was in, she was unable to see the carnage she would wreak with her foolish nakedness, and was still giggling to herself about her prank.

Round the corner came two Thai boys on a scooter. The look of surprise and terror in their eyes is an image that burnt into my retinas and will remain with me forever. As I am sure the sight of my friend's shiny white arse will remain with them. With scream of shock they wobbled and drove into a tree.

Luckily the tree was small and the speed low, so I doubt they sustained any serious injury apart from the obvious mental scars of that traumatic night.
( hanabanana, Fri 18 Aug 2006, 10:51, Reply)

Hanson
I shagged that blonde one out of hanson. She was very fit as you said.
( I have run out of coke is a little sweaty, Fri 18 Aug 2006, 10:48, Reply)

HORSES!
I was once stood in a field about a mile away from where I work testing a new ariel we made for wifi stuff. This meant myself and my friend were stood in a field of horses, him with a laptop and me with a 2ft long impliment. About 5 mins into the experiments a very angry woman pulled up in a landrover demanding to know what we were doing to her horses with our "Space Sword". OH!
( SiX and his hat, Fri 18 Aug 2006, 10:48, Reply)

The Hanson moment
Many moons ago, I watched Hanson performing the hellish 'Mmmm Bop' on Top of The Pops. i turned to my brother and said, 'that little blonde one, she's fit.'

My brother then informed me that I was referring to a 12 year old *boy*.

I felt very, very wrong. It was the Hanson Moment.
(The Moai, Fri 18 Aug 2006, 10:46, Reply)

CUPBOARDY
Similar story to yours. Many moons ago I was at a club in the wilds of the South Wales valleys, managed to pull a bit of a sort, bought her loads to drink and lied about my income and took her outside to "get aquainted". Anyhoo we were getting very friendly on the bonnet of a car in the back car park, fnarr, only to feel a hand on my shoulder and turn round to see a very large unhappy looking bouncer. I thought my number was up but he said that he and the other bouncers had been watching my performance on the CCTV and would I mind not doing it over his car, oh and by the way did I know the girl was only 15. Ok we'll move and thanks no I didin't know and I didn't care. (hey I was only 18). every time i went back to that club I was greeted by evening nonce, God I felt so special.
(the tartful splodger, Fri 18 Aug 2006, 10:42, Reply)

Dog Leg Pete
Guy from Abberystwth university earned this illustrius nickname after getting himself drunk as feck and telling his "mates" at a bar as to what happened to him once.

He recalled drunkedly that one evening during his teenage years he was sat in the living room, bored and miserable watching the telly. His parents had gone out and had left in charge of the house, so he went channel hopping. Due the aforementioned channel hopping expedition, he encounters a re-run of Baywatch. "No-one else is in, fuck it" thinks he, grabs some tissues and starts knocking one out while sitting in the living room.

Now during this time, his dog wonders in and notices that he's doing something odd, and is naturally curious as to what's going on. He wants a nose. He's a dog, he wants to be involved. So the dog starts trying to jump up and sniff Pete's crotch, while Pete is in mid-wank.

Pete, obviously caught offguard and with his pants around his ankles, tries to force the dog away from his cock and is struggling to keep his balance.

This is the perfect time for his parents to arrive back early, walking in and seeing Pete with his trousers around his ankles, cock in one hand and a struggling dog in the other.

Rather quietly the mother walks upto the excited dog and takes it out the back. The dad takes Pete upstairs and promptly letures him about the "birds n bees".

The fact that he told his mate in the pub was possibly the worst thing he could have done; this spread like wildfire. Others at the pub heard parts of this story too as he drunkedly said it, so this was quickly substantiated as evidence (no denial possible), and thus this was passed around the entire university.

He was, unto this very day, donned the immortal nickname as "Dog Leg Pete."
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Fri 18 Aug 2006, 10:38, Reply)

apeloverage fyi
dogging is the practice of meeting strangers for sex in car parks.

What is the difference between australia and yoghurt?

Yoghurt has culture
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Fri 18 Aug 2006, 10:31, Reply)