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This is a question Apparently I'm a sex offender

I was once paid £15 to count the amount of people visiting a hairdresser. I stood outside for 3 hours with a clicky counter in my pocket, pressing it every time a person entered. Suddenly there's a copper in front of me, I turn and there's another behind. "What are you up to sunshine?" "A rival hairdresser wants to count the competition" "Well, there's been a call from the shop owner that there's a ginger bloke standing outside fiddling with his cock." Have you ever done anything that made strangers think you were a pervert?

(, Thu 17 Aug 2006, 22:20)
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When I lived in student halls, saying "come in" automatically when a pretty girl from down the corridor knocked at my door.

Except, I was lying on my bed watching TV. With only a t-shirt on. Oops.

"I wanted to see if you were still looking for a flatmate for next year, but I guess I'll come back later"... ... ... for goodness sake.

I'm pretty sure the fact that I wasn't naked, but was wearing just a short t-shirt, made it worse.
(, Sat 19 Aug 2006, 1:41, Reply)
At a camp recently I had fallen in the mud and was changing my clothes. Being used to my room at home being on the 3rd story I completely forgot about the dorm room window which was on the ground floor and looking out on the quadrangle where there were quite a few little girls, not even in their teens.

I had just taken off my shirt and stood there half naked when all these girly squeals came floating through the air. I guess I should be glad that the sight of a manly chest caused that reaction or I would have proceeded to take my trousers off without closing the blind...
(, Sat 19 Aug 2006, 1:40, Reply)
I did also steal two bras and a pair of panties from a girl a year older than me when I was about 14. Can't remember getting rid of them, so they must be around somewhere still... :S

On a similar vein, a friend stole one of his sisters bras, and put it on the back seat of his car so that when he parked, people would think he had a girlfriend...
(, Sat 19 Aug 2006, 0:35, Reply)
Koreans and cameras
6 months ago I moved to New Zealand to start university, and in my hall of residence I was made to share a room with a Korean because we were both international students.

He was always in bed which made life very difficult for me, and made taking photos of my room to show friends back home even more difficult. I tried to keep his bed out of the pictures, but unfortunately I managed to take one which included his foot poking out from underneath his duvet.

A few days later I was confronted by an irate roommate who'd obviously been looking at the pictures on my camera. "You took a photo of me while I was alseep!" he shouted. And then added the classic quote, "Do you think this is normal behaviour?"

I didn't really know what to say so I remained quiet while he went on to say that he'd already been downstairs to inform the management. I was moved the very next day.
(, Sat 19 Aug 2006, 0:29, Reply)
Didn't actually realise how bad it looks...
When I was in 6th form I sort of went out with the Head of Music. Well we snogged and I gave him bjs. Never thought anything about it really, but I guess (even though I was 17/18) that it was pretty dodgy as he was in his 30s.

Then again, as told in a previous QOTW, I also went out with the 54 year old father of a lad who dumped me. I was only 18.

And after him it was the 40 something bus driver. So getting better as I was 19 by then.

Hmmm and there's the loveless marriage to the bloke 11 yrs older than me...

Presently I'm secretly seeing a bloke 27 yrs older than me.

So, either I have an Electra complex or I'm attracting possible paedo-tendency blokes as until the past few years I've had to show ID as I look younger than I am...
(, Sat 19 Aug 2006, 0:28, Reply)
First Glimpse...
I was about ten or eleven and at Primary School. Now, at our Primary School, there were two playgrounds; the Infants' at the back, and the Juniors' at the front. I would often help out with the Infants' play time, usually playing footy with the boys, but I did get aquainted with a girl who also joined in our footy games, who was about six or seven.

During the summer, when the weather was nice, everyone would go and play out in the fields. The Infant boys would join in the Juniors' game of footy, and as I wasnt very good (after all, I would only play with boys a few years younger than me), I wouldn't bother, and for some reason, this girl would carry on hanging out with me.

Now, for reasons I can't quite remember (but they were completely innocent!) I ended up dragging this girl around the field. It was only a matter of time before her trousers came down, and her underwear too...

Next thing I knew, I was up against the headmaster, and suspended from school for a week...
(, Sat 19 Aug 2006, 0:02, Reply)
D'you know, you just can't beat wanking by running up the stairs with a hot kettle tied to your doink with string.

Although it fucking kills your shins.
(, Sat 19 Aug 2006, 0:00, Reply)
Doing a Darth Vader impression to your aunt on the phone sounds like some bloke having a wank.

Never realised it until I rang her and she was greeted with some heavy Vader breathing
(, Fri 18 Aug 2006, 23:28, Reply)
they think I'm a tranny!
Late one Sunday night I had a bath and just wanted to watch TV for half an hour before hitting the hay. In those days I didn't wear pyjamas but I needed something to stop myself feeling the cold. The only thing to hand was my wife's dressing gown which was bright pink and covered in flowery patterns, but what the hell.
Anyway I'm sitting in front of the TV and the doorbell goes. Wifey answers it and it's the guy next door wanting to borrow my electric drill. He looks at me, doesn't say much but a faint smile flickers across his face. He gets the drill and goes.
Years later his wife (after they have split up) tells me that on that night he came back with the drill and said to her "I don't know what kind of pervy scene I just walked in on at Ferg's house but he's sitting there in a full woman's evening dress!"
(, Fri 18 Aug 2006, 22:34, Reply)
my poor boyfriend gets told he is a perv when he is with me
I'm 16 he is 15 but i look alot younger than him and this seems to confuze people

Example 1
We were on a bus and, as you, do we were having a bit of a snog. All of a sudden we hear alot of tutting so we stop and i look round. Behind us were a bunch of chavs. The most dykest girl there yells to my boyfriend "you're gonna go to jail for what your doin'!" one of the others yelled " yeh poor girl must only be bout 9 and what are you? 18??"
we just laughed and got off the bus. I've seen these kids around alot and i know for a fact that most of them have ASBOs and such.

Examle 2
We were on a train, only ones in the carrage, having a bit of fun (i sound like i have a bit of a public transport fetish - I dont I swear) The train pulled into the last staion and a bunch of people got on and just stood staring! Some woman was really laying in to my boyfriend saying she was going to call the police as it was rape blah blah it took ages to get it into her haed that I'm acctually older than him!
(, Fri 18 Aug 2006, 22:21, Reply)
I never thought what it would have looked like . . .
. . . until I read this QOTW. My ex boyfreind looks very young. He would routinely get asked for ID in every bar and offie. Even in the rare event that he would buy fags they sometimes asked for ID. When we were out he was quite touchy feely so it would have been obvoius we were together. We were BOTH 25 at the time but I suppose nobody would have known - I've probably got a reputation I don't know about. And no, I didn't fancy him because he looked like a kid sometimes! (He's been my best friend for 3 years now).
(, Fri 18 Aug 2006, 20:33, Reply)
Cracked one off

over a pair of underpants once. I enjoyed myself, but the guy standing next to me in the changing rooms who was in them at the time didn't look too pleased.
(, Fri 18 Aug 2006, 20:21, Reply)
It did look bad, really. . .
My husband is a licensed massage/bodywork therapist. NO, not that kind of massage!

At the spa where he works, the various staff members serve as test subjects whenever a fellow employee is learning a new treatment, such as a seaweed wrap or body scrub or whatnot.

One day, my husband was scheduled to be the guinea pig for one of the newer hires. We're quite good friends now, but she didn't know me very well at the time.

The day before, the cat had jumped on my sleeping husband and scratched the hell out of his back, leaving him with red welts all over his skin.
My husband is a very calm, quiet person. He also has his nipples pierced, though he apparently 'doesn't look the type' to have such an adornment.

During the course of her practise body treatment, his new co-worker notices his nipple rings plus the welts on his back, adds it up and thinks to herself 'So that's what things are like at their house!'.

After she got to know me well, she confessed wondering if he and I had some BDSM thing going on and if my slightly Gothy appearance was hinting at me being some kind of freaky dominatrix type. I was almost embarrassed to admit that our (quite lovely) sex life is actually rather basic.

Our poor friend has a knack for attracting the pervs, though -- in the past two months, she's gone out on dates with two different guys, both of whom looked and acted totally normal. Guy 1 later admitted to being into golden showers and Guy 2 told her he was turned on by pregnant women. Fortunately, this information was revealed to her before any compromising positions were attained.
(, Fri 18 Aug 2006, 20:11, Reply)
Manly Protection
One evening, my neighbor started screaming. A Peeping Tom was observing her from the bushes in the alley outside her bedroom window. In a panic, she came over to my apartment for manly protection. I locked her in, she called the police, and I went out into the alley to locate and confront the pervert.

So, who was the only one in the alley when the police helicopter and the canine units arrived?
(, Fri 18 Aug 2006, 19:37, Reply)
Caught having sex in a car

Probably not the best place to do it though, in Newcastle City centre whilst stuck in a traffic jam.
(, Fri 18 Aug 2006, 19:00, Reply)
I was young and impressionable. And drunk, But I'm sure you'd rather believe the worst...
(, Fri 18 Aug 2006, 18:54, Reply)
Jesus Titty-Sucking Christ...
I was about three weeks into my first job as a waiter at the tender age of 16 and doing ok. Polite, friendy, good with customers - things were looking good. Anyway, one night I was dealing with a large table of about 10 people, one being a new mum with a baby in a car seat on the floor.

Their food went out course by course and I applied my best tip-winning charm as I dished out meals and returned empty plates. It was pretty busy so I didn't have loads of time to chat, but I made a mental note to say something flattering about kid to the proud mum. Women love that for some reason...

By the time I took their bill over, the baby had woken up and was in it's Mothers' arms. I seized the moment, stood next to her, looking down at the kid as I attempted to say "Oooh! What a lovely Baby."

Only I didn't quite manage the full sentence. No.

After the "Ooooh!" I got distracted by the pair of bare-naked breasts hanging out of the woman's blouse. I stood with my chin on the floor for what felt like an hour staring at them; trying to apologise with no words leaving my mouth - which, to eveyone round the table, must have looked like I was imagining sucking on them myself.

I literally ran away and hid.
(, Fri 18 Aug 2006, 18:47, Reply)
When I worked at a nursery

I taught the kids how to play strip twister.
(, Fri 18 Aug 2006, 18:44, Reply)
uni trauma
on my first day at university, we were all sitting around in the new kitchen having one of the "getting to know you" conversations. you know there are two that you have - firstly you all find out about each other's courses and 'a'-levels.

then, a bit later into the friendship, being horny 18 year olds and some desperate virgins, you all ask "so how many have you slept with then"?

so, very first day, halfway through the first polite typical conversation and with a room full of strangers, i managed to cut my hand on a box.

"owwww!" i moaned, clutching my hand. "i've just fucked my finger!"

long, long silence.

especially from the mothers having tea at the back of the room... ah well.
(, Fri 18 Aug 2006, 18:34, Reply)
one summer
me and some young lady were making the beast with two backs, drunk and as naked as the day we were born,
at the back of some random park we had to walk through on the way back home from the club.

the moment the torchlight was visible through the trees she was off along with a pile of her clothes. and my trousers.
I'm stood there with a t-shirt covering my manhood, attempting to get my shoes on when a copper emerged from the
bushes asking me what the fuck. thankfully, she came back when she saw it was the police and we got off (fnar)
with a stern warning about perverts in the park !
(, Fri 18 Aug 2006, 18:33, Reply)
Playing on my own

Whilst at University I was sitting in my basement one day. I was a bit bored so I decided to have a game of Counter-Strike. My radiator was broken and was stuck on the top setting. It became awfully hot so I decided to remove my clothes.

I'm sure I saw a couple of pervs at my window staring in and looking at me, but hey, maybe it was just my imagination.
(, Fri 18 Aug 2006, 18:24, Reply)
Instant Callcentre Paedo Accuso!
Two fellow female workers talking next to me, as I'm walking a customer through a tricky PC process (ie click IE love, no, close My Documents, the blue E thing, oh god).

The customer says to me that she's having difficulty (no shit), so she's putting her 9 year old daughter on the line to resolve this, which I think is quite funny.

So I hit mute on my headset cable (which I have in me left hand), turn to me right and hold the mute button up "unsuspiciously", then tell the 2 fellow workers that I'm now speaking to the 9 year old girl.

Then in front of the workers I made a slight show of flicking the mute button off while turning back to my left, and just out of thier view flicking mute back on.

"Is that you love? are you wearing?"

Me fellow workers jaws hit the floor with looks of absolute horror. I kept a straight face, then spun around to face these workser and hit the mute button off in front of them. Fixed the customer's prob in under a minute lol.

(, Fri 18 Aug 2006, 18:07, Reply)
sex trade
I was 13 or 14. I'd taken the day off school, and given the empty house and copy of basic instinct on video, I decided to indulge in my new found favourite passtime. Whilst in the throws of self love i heard the doorbell and so quickly stuffed myself into my trousers and walked to the door.

I was greeted by a rather sheepish looking gent who said "You don't need windows do you?"

I said no

"Good, thought not", he replied and made a hasty exit down the drive.

It's only upon closing the front door that i noticed a whopping erection had slipped out of my flies and must have been rudely pointing at him all through our conversation. Poor fella.
(, Fri 18 Aug 2006, 18:06, Reply)
Accidental Paedophile
While at the pub with a few mates my phone, which was sat in the middle of the table, started to ring. Being a rather lazy person I couldn't be bothered to lean over and pick it up so a friend kindly answered it instead.

It turns out that in some strange coincidence a little boy had dialled the wrong number and asked if he 'was still coming over tonight?'.

Thinking my mate was taking the piss I took the phone from him and found that it was in fact a little boy asking that question.

Of course I was instantly labelled a paedophile which has stuck and become a running unfunny joke.

As an example I was recently introduced to a friend's pretty cousin as the one 'who likes little boys'.

Everything about it:

. The phone ringing
. My friend answering.
. It being a wrong number.
. It being a little boy.
. Little boy asking if he can still come over.

what are the chances? :(
(, Fri 18 Aug 2006, 17:47, Reply)
It wasnae me
I AM actually a pervert (a perchant for serious BDSM just one small aspect of my hidden life - ooooh) but I felt hard done by one day when after parking my car next to one of Scotland's foremost legal "saunas", I watched as an embarrassed punter came out looking oh so ever post-happy-ended.

I turned up the street to walk home just as a group of students outside the pub opposite realised someone had just come out of the knocking shop. Embarrassed guy clocked them quickly and darted into a nearby close to hide, me (innocent and unawares of their interest) walked on wondering why the cat calls of "Mr Pervy" were being directed at me and whether my yellow hanky was flapping in my back pocket or something?

Length? It seemed a long walk home........
(, Fri 18 Aug 2006, 17:36, Reply)
Basement Windows
Walking along Whyte Avenue by the University area here in Edmonton a few years ago, a flash of light caught my eye from one of the basement windows. I looked in and saw a student, totally naked, playing what appeared to be Counter-Strike. After being stunned by the sight for about five seconds, I got a smack on the arm from the person I was with.

"What are you looking at?", they said.

"There's a guy in there playing CS naked!", I replied.

"And you are staring at them WHY?"

Blushing, I moved on. Basement windows - only in North America, only for the indiscreet.
(, Fri 18 Aug 2006, 17:34, Reply)
this isn't going to something the ladies can join in, really... i'll post a pretty shocking story instead about someone who hopefully is on a list somewhere.

When I was 7 (at the most), we went to Greece. My parents and my godfather had taken me and my brother down to the long beach. My dad and bru were playing at one end, my mum and godfather the other with me. I decided to walk down and play with my brother. Half way down, someone to my right says 'hello'. Looking around, some tall Greek bloke repeated his greeting, adding a 'what's your name?'. Now, despite being a presumably quite paedo-pleasing blue-eyed blonde infant, I was also pretty savvy. I just said 'what?' and started walking. He walked alongside, and asked me 'would you like to see my motorbike?'. I stopped, looked him in the eye, and said 'I'm sorry, but my daddy wants me. he's just THERE'. Sure enough, Dad's seen all this and is getting up. Bloke looks a bit panicked, looks the other way, sees my weights-freak godfather thundering towards him. Locked down, this bloke makes the sensible choice and legs it. Only after he was gone did I start crying. Yay me. Apparently, my godfather went round all the bars with this guy's description (and of his motorbike) that night. Locals weren't impressed (it was a pretty small villiage we were staying in), and a bit of a lynch mob went out looking for him for the whole week...

I'm not one for lynch mobs and hysteria, personally, but having had this happen to me, I've got to feel for the ones who don't get away. I really do hope they beat the crap out of him before he tried it again.

Sorry it's not funny. Just that being a girl, I'm usually the one being bothered, not bothering anyone else...
(, Fri 18 Aug 2006, 17:31, Reply)
Phone flasher
Always grin when I recall this one...

Finally was starting my final year at uni and we had a new flat on the ground floor. Our previous flats had always faced the main road or just park/shrubs. SO, returning from having a shower I thought nothing of walking around my room in nothing but my dressing gown which was open down the front.

It wasn't until I neared the window that I realised my "new" room was overlooked by the window next to the payphone...

This being the first week there was a naive first year girl obviously making the "i'm ok" call to her parents and had a shocked look on her face as she stared at my old fella.

I decided to close the curtains and went to tell my flatmates so they could avoid similar misshaps. Turns out my window was the only one in "the line of sight". I was christened "the phone flasher".

Never got a call from said girl either :( Must have been the length...
(, Fri 18 Aug 2006, 17:24, Reply)
My gang
just because when i moved to vietnam and i asked a couple of girls a bit younger than me if they wanted to come to a sleepover and be in 'my gang' all hell breaks loose and i get called a sicko.



cell 120 block 3
(, Fri 18 Aug 2006, 17:23, Reply)

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