The new plasma screen..
Ok so as a first post, I may as well regail something upon you all that, though didn't involve my nether regions personally.. still leaves a lasting mark in my mind.

A while ago, my parents were proud to be the new owners of a brand spanking new Hitatchi 60" Flatpanel TV. Naturally you weren't allowed within breathing distance of it for a while.. but all was about to change when I went downstairs one night..

So there I was, 2:34am, I went downstairs to get a cold drink on such a hot night and heard a muffled screeching laughter comming from the living room.. I walk in to find my brother crying with laughter into a pillow while his friend Hulio proceeded to press his spam javelin up against the new screen, specifically aimed at Cameron Diaz's face. Not realising how incredibly hot the screen can get, he ended up with 2nd degree burns on his bellend and cried for almost half an hour. I went to bed and left an aching Hulio holding a bag of mashed potato Shepards Pie mix on his todger to cool the burning. I woke up the next morning to find my mother cleaning the living room.. and she let out a tut saying "Somebody's got their sticky mits on my new telly!". I knew instantly that this was Hulio's burnt skin and penis juice burnt on the screen, and she was so innocently none the wiser that she proceeded to wipe it off with her hand. I fell to the floor with a sickened laughter, almost wretching I made it to the toilet and hurled for England, when asking me what was wrong I told her I'd felt ill all night and was getting the rest out of my system, I hadn't the heart to tell her what was stuck to her hand.

A few hours later I smell dinner cooking, I go downstairs to investigate and low and behold, what's cooling on the side? Shepards fucking pie.

Moral of that story is, always, always tell your mother she's just wiped up cock juice.
( The Gentleman Bastard waxing lyrical. ©, Thu 20 Jul 2006, 1:08, Reply)