caught by a whisker
this painful tale was related to me by my cousin, a nurse in a very busy A & E department.

late one busy friday night, a middle-aged man walks in, helping a woman who is clearly having great difficulty walking by herself. he steered her towards the front desk and told the staff member there "she needs help", then buggered off. the lady(whose name i was not, of course, told) couldn't sit down and was obviously in a lot of pain, but was very reluctant to tell nurses what was wrong.
after finally getting her into a cubicle and fetching a doctor to look at her, the reason for her pain and discomfort was revealed.
it seems her boyfriend, the man who'd brought her in, had decided to introduce props to sexy time and had shoved a balloon whisk up her doings. then he'd twisted it. this, sadly, had trapped a piece of her insides in some way and a minor(but very embarrassing) operation was needed to remove the whisk. she was there for a couple of days and, from what my cousin said, her boyfriend didn't show up once.
i've heard of playing with your food, but fucking with your utensils is going a bit too far.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Sun 10 Mar 2013, 14:36, 12 replies)

Could've been worse

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Sun 10 Mar 2013, 15:05, closed)

Vagetable peeler?
Poor
(Barnetboy, Sun 10 Mar 2013, 15:09, closed)

Clam opener

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Sun 10 Mar 2013, 15:10, closed)

haha.

( janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Mon 11 Mar 2013, 7:04, closed)

horrific as that is
you've just reminded me that i need a new tin opener
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Sun 10 Mar 2013, 15:14, closed)

Mmmmmmmmm.. smooth batter...
(the_icks has the sweet essence of giraffe, Sun 10 Mar 2013, 20:36, closed)

I think I just fucked my kettle.
Snapped a bit of the lid off and it won't open now.
Better put a new kettle on the wedding list I suppose
( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Sun 10 Mar 2013, 23:54, closed)

be a man, boil a pan

( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Mon 11 Mar 2013, 13:28, closed)

Not a recommended Angel Delight serving suggestion
(countwilfredthehairy i wasn't born to live, Mon 11 Mar 2013, 16:46, closed)

as a mate of mine learned
if you want to use angel delight in the bedroom, take it out of the fridge an hour before :D
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 14:37, closed)

Sex with food utensils?
Whisky business
( LemonEntryMyDearWatson This time, Moriarty, the hand is on the other foot, Mon 11 Mar 2013, 21:25, closed)

*headdesks*

( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 14:37, closed)