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Last week two kids ran past me, one chasing the other. As they passed, the little boy turns to the girl chasing him and screams, "go away, you, you... you GIRLPANTS."

She stopped dead, cut to the core. Well, sort of. Anyway, we've added it to our repertoire, but are keen to expand further our sweary lexicon. What's the best insult you've heard? How effective was it? How did they retaliate?

(, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 12:48)
Pages: Latest, 50, 49, 48, 47, 46, ... 1

This question is now closed.

The B3ta Guide to sweary Insults 101
Right then children, are we sitting comfortably? Good, then I’ll begin. The general tried and trusted insult types that figure on B3ta follow the following ratio:

1. [Something insulting / rude verb]
2. + “you”
3. + [measure of magnitude / insulting plural if required] + “of”
4. + [sweary / rude word / adjective]
5. + [dull, functional noun or verb. Possibly with ryhming or use of alliteration].

Example:

“Lick my left one, you gaggle of total spluff gargling twat-ticklers”

Lets examine the ratio in it's individual parts and phrases:

1. The insult / rude gesture has to imply something graphic which can be given sexual connotations. Examples are:

Suck
Blow
Chew
Bite
Lick
Squirt

You therefore have to add this verb to an intimate part of your anatomy. Examples:

Clay-hole
Poo-chute
Cock-shaft
Scrote sack
Ribbed-for-her-pleasure-shiny-pink-bell-end.

2. “You” – used as a direct confirmation of the recipient of the verbal assault.
3. If used against a singular, example to stress magnitude can be:

Total
Utter
Uber
Megawobbling
Unadulterated

If used against multiple recipients, then examples to proceed the word ‘of’ are:

Bunch
Tank
Swarm
Gaggle
Bag full

4. This is the easy part. However, it can duly be noted that mere rudeness can achieve the same objective as the swear, however, if an insult is to be hurled in anger then a swear is more effective. Examples of the token swear here are:

Cunt
Twat
Fuck
Arse (ass for our American cousins)
Fanny (For our American friends, just use ‘cunt’ again)
gusset
Shite
Spunk
Botty

5. Now, relevance is of little importance for this final section of the insult. Examples of pointless nouns / verbs include:

Brick
Bucket
Biscuit
Chewer / gobbler
Arm-pit
Sponge
Stick

Now it’s all down to you, class. Put parts 1 through 5 together and try to put your own unique slant on an insult using the examples above (or even some of your own for extra points).

Remember...each ingredient of the insult is as important as it’s comrades in the insult mix, and therefore a good insult can be ruined by a ‘weak link’ i.e:

"Cock off, you total testicle-full of cum-drippings"

Additional tip: Diversity is the key to success. Phrases such as:

“Poo off and poo yourself, you pooey poo-bag of poos” often fails in it’s effectiveness and shows a lack of imagination.

However, the combination of words like twat & cunt to make ‘twunt’, and ‘Fuck’ and ‘retard’ to make ‘fucktard’ can be potent down-putters with devastating effects.

Good luck people. Together we can make people feel like the little gonad-nuggets that they deserve to be.
(, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 14:11, Reply)
Kit-kats
A friend of mine went into the late night garage. The obnoxious fat woman who worked there was serving...

"Can I have a Kit-Kat Chunky?"

She brought him over a Kit-Kat Chunky.

"What's this? I asked for a Kit-Kat."
(, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 13:29, Reply)
bus barney
i heard some kids arguing on the bus once, and one of them said, "your ma's a slag and she shops at netto!"

the other lad, deeply offended, replied "she doesn't shop at netto!"
(, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 13:08, Reply)
My 7 year old Autistic son
hasn't quite grasped insults yet, so he frequently tries to upset me by saying things like

"mummy you're just like a watermelon you are"
"daddy you're just like a car you are"

He's ACE!
(, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 12:56, Reply)
Bambi...
My mates can still wind me up just by mentioning the word Bambi. Want to know why? It goes back to the mid-eighties in Manchester.

We were on an all-day bender back in the days before all-day opening and we had a couple of hours to kill between the pubs shutting for after the lunchtime trade and them opening again at 5.30. So we decided to go to the cinema to snooze a couple of beer-fuelled hours away.

When we got to the local flea-pit they were showing Bambi. Now, as a kid, I'd never seen Bambi. Don't know why, I'd just missed it. So we decided to go and watch/sleep-through that. We paid for hour tickets and settled in and.... I was entranced. I got completely caught up in the cuteness and the fluff and was spellbound. So much so that I forgot where I was.

Now can you remember the part in Bambi where he's trapped in a forest fire? Poor Bambi was looking wildly left and right and left and right. He looked terrified. He just didn't know what to do and the fire was getting closer and closer.

I was on the edge of my seat. I was panicking because poor, brave Bambi was in danger. So I jumped to my feet and bellowed:

"RUN, BAMBI, RUN!!!"

And 200 cinema goers pissed themselves laughing.

I've never lived that down and mates today still take the piss by calling me Bambi....

Cheers
(, Sat 6 Oct 2007, 4:09, Reply)
Gangsta trippin'
A few years ago I took my life in my hands by getting a bus into Birmingham city centre and sitting on the top deck. At the back were a group of wannabe gangsta's wives with one arsey looking lad sitting there like the king pimp.

For most of the journey, the girls were loudy, excitedly and incessantly carping on about their boyfriends in that ghetto trash Jerry Springer esque way (but with Brummie accents), with head wobbling from side to side and gesticulations aplenty in that talk to the hand type fashion.

The edifying chat contained exchanges including;

"If he was my man I wouldn't let him treat me like 'dat"
"My man gotta treat me wiv respect"
"That boy would get no lovin' off me if he was my man and did 'dat to me"
"If my man mess with me he get his dick cut off I'm tellin ya".

King Pimp who had sat silently until now, had become visibly more annoyed and lost his patience culminating a belittling outburst, during which he pointed at each of the girls in turn and asked the following question repeatedly:

KP: Do you got a man?
Girl 1: No
KP: Do you got a man?
Girl 2: No
KP: Do you got a man?
Girl 3: No
KP: Do you got a man?
Girl 4: No
KP: I rest my case.

They all shut up for the rest of the journey.
(, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 14:57, Reply)
One from my girlfriend's daughter!
My girlfriend has two adult daughters (well, they're in their twenties, anyway), and one of them told her about something her boyfriend said to her one night.

It's a well-established fact that after sex, men get extremely sleepy while women feel charged up and energetic and bouncy. (Nothing personal, ladies, but after a good shag we really need to sleep for at least ten minutes.)

So one night after sex she was talking to her boyfriend, chattering like a ten-year-old on espresso, when her boyfriend looked blearily at her and announced, "I wish you were a bird."

"A bird? Why?"

"Because then I could put a blanket over your cage and you would shut the fuck up!"

I'm not sure what his fate was after that...
(, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 14:27, Reply)
At school
There was a kid who was both fat and ginger-haired. As you can imagine, many names were hurled at him, but the one that stuck was "Ginger fatty" - which made us howl with such hilarity that some of us dislocated our jaws and soiled ourselves simultaneously.

In our last year, a boy arrived from another town. He had quite prominent teeth and spots. In no time, some wag had christened him "Goofy pizzaface"! This was considered so funny that one girl laughed until she became epileptic and had to be sedated with opium injected into her heart.

But that wasn't the end. Our maths teacher was three feet tall, bald, had BO and wiped his nose up his sleeve. Our name for him? "Speccy four-eyes" on account of him wearing glasses! The first time I heard that, I immediately pissed myself and started hyperventialting with laughter until I became quite blue. Another boy, "Shitsmell Dawson" laughed until he inhaled his teeth, while "Menstrual Barry" (son of a Catholic priest) laughed himself stone dead.

None of these were as funny as our name for Miss Vagina, our music teacher. On finding out that her first name was Sheila, we teased her mercilessly until the class wit came up with the nickname "Poo plop". That name resulted in such gales of laughter that two kids imploded, another fired shit 18 metres from his arse and another (Kevin Swallows) metamorphosed into a 99 ice-cream cone, defying all known laws of biology and physics.

Is it Thursday yet?
(, Wed 10 Oct 2007, 13:00, Reply)
Midgets
I quite like calling them People McNuggets
(, Tue 9 Oct 2007, 15:56, Reply)
Posh pisshead
My folks had come up to rainy Mancland to see me and the wife's new house. We decided to take them out for a meal in posh Didsbury. Before we went to the restaurant, we nipped into a nice-looking pub.

While we were in there, a bit of an arguement broke out between a couple of customers, one of whom was effing and jeffing a fair bit.

The barman asked him to leave. The drunk ignored him. He asked him to leave again. Same deal. Barman comes round the bar and says "If you don't leave, I'll throw you out myself" to which the drunk replied: "You sir, are a twat!"

I completely creased.

The landlady had entered the fray at this point and was pushing the drunk towards the door saying "it's over, get out" repeatedly. As he neared the door, the pissartist said to her "Madam, if you want it to be over, you merely need to sing". It took us a little while to cotton on to that one.

Two of the poshest insults ever.
(, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 11:15, Reply)
Overheard in a pub...
Chap 1: Fuck off you queer!!!

Chap 2: Me, Queer? Thats rich coming from you!!! You're so far in the closet you're in fucking Narnia!!!


Oh I did chuckle!!
(, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 16:29, Reply)
A friend of mine insulted another friend...
...and when the friend started to get a bit wound up he said, "Yeah, sorry, that was an old joke... hey, speaking of old jokes, how's your mother?"

The other guy looked annoyed, but before he could speak Pat said, "Okay, sorry, that was a nasty crack... hey, speaking of nasty cracks, how's your sister?"

I left at that point.
(, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 13:43, Reply)
One that still gets told periodically...
One of my best friends, Rob Snyder (real name, as I know he won't mind me sharing this, because he likes telling this story himself), is a total car geek. And I mean hardcore motorhead here- he once had a motorcycle magazine that had a cetnerfold of a Ducati, which I immediately named Snyderporn. And if someone went past in a Ferrari or some such, he would about start jumping up and down in excitement- a reaction that I named a Snydergasm.

Anyway...

So one day he and Richard and I were walking through a park near campus, and they were talking about cars as usual. Rob launched into a story about how he and his friends were watching the first Austin Powers movie and the others were drooling over Liz Hurley, but she held no appeal for him when compared to the convertible she was driving. He began having a Snydergasm as he was describing this experience.

"For god's sake, Rob!" I finally exploded. "DNA and aluminum don't mix! You're an evolutionary cul-de-sac!"

He stopped in his tracks and stared at me, and I wasn't sure if I should run or not. Then he cracked up...

That was about eight years ago. To this day he still tells that story as "the best insult I ever received".
(, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 12:56, Reply)
Just in case anyone can't be arsed reading through all 40 pages or so
I'll try and sum up the majority of contributions:

1) Jokes about how fat someone is (I tend to find the word 'fat' suffices)

2) Faces that look like a bag of something that really shouldn't be in a bag in the first place

3) Taking a normal swearword like cunt or fuck, and adding a random word, to make shit swearwords like cuntbucket or fucksponge. What's wrong with cunt and fuck?

4) Doing the same for shit or cum, to make swearwords like cum-guzzler or shit-nipple.

5) Stringing a random collection of swearwords together in the vague hope it'll become funny at some point, ie cock-flavoured shit-scraping animal-raping ballsack.

6) Insults from a movie that most of us have fucking seen, like 'thundercunts' from Blade Trinity. Original

7) And, from those with no imagination at all, simply the word cunt, or the 'phrase' fuck off. Which I hadn't ever heard about until now. So thank you for that



There we go - I've just saved you 20 minutes of your life. Now you can go back to masturbating.

You are welcome
(, Wed 10 Oct 2007, 18:11, Reply)
He'll get it eventually
first time poster long time lurker

amazingly camp person at a friends party giving us the lecture on about how gay people were eventually going to take over the world and heterosexuality would be seen as "being strange", eventualy i snap "yeah that may be true but youl all die out eventually!", looking annoyed he came back with "what, because we cant have children!?", room now completely silent i hit back "No, cos youl all die of AIDS"......shocked silence as he says "my friend died of AIDS you prick!"

couldnt resist it

"you see, its started already!"

not homophobic by any means but he had it comin

length-hel never know, he'll have the AIDS by now
(, Sun 7 Oct 2007, 22:23, Reply)
Scooby
.
Have pearoast that had me laughing like a loon first time around. Best. Insult. Ever.

www.b3ta.com/questions/mugged/post56974/


I work in Hackney. This place is where good muggers go when they die. Too many stories.

The best was when I was waiting for a bus on Maire Street. A 17 year old wigger bad boy sucks his teeth in (doubtlessly reflecting his wannabe Caribbean cultural heritage).

'Giz your wallet'

There are about twelve people waiting at the bus stop with me who all heard and saw this.

'No.' I reply.

Sucks his teeth again.

'Giz yo wallet or I is gonna get my people on you.'

A Caribbean pensioner laughed out loud and said:

'Yo peepil? Who is yo peepil? Dey is Mary poppins 'an scooby doo! Now you missed da school bus ten minute ago, get ya walkin!'

He skulked/ exaggeratedly limped off towards the Empire.

'Thanks' I said sheepishly, wondering at the bizarre combination of Mary Poppins and Scooby doo as his choice of derision.

'No problem fella' said the old man, 'I sin him every day walkin' down here, only normally tis with an au pair you see.'

'Oh' I said, 'Mary Poppins, I get it.'

'Right.'

'And what about scooby doo?' I ask

'His par sister look like a dog.


My compliments to sadler


Cheers
(, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 10:43, Reply)
your mum.

(, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 12:54, Reply)
The "F word"
My mother teaches some special needs children. One day, one boy came crying to her than another boy had called him the "F word". Obviously she knew what word that was, but for some reason asked him to write it down. He did so and moments later she picked up the piece of paper which read:

"He called me fick"
(, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 20:49, Reply)
....
my sister was arguing with my dad a while back and it went something like this:

Sister: well your fat, least i'm not fat.
Dad: yea well your mum shat on your head when you were born!

she then ran crying over to my mum and started screaming "DID YOU?!!TELL ME NOW!"

.
(, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 16:17, Reply)
My wife....
... usually seems like butter wouldn't melt, but only until you get to know her.

My brother was waffling on about some craic he and his manager had been having at work. For about 15 minutes it was all "Jim Said this, Jim did that, Then Jim said.."

Right in the middle of his recounting yet another boring story he cam to "and then I said..." my wife interrupted fantastically with "Hang on, how could you talk with Jim's cock in your mouth?" We all just cracked up.

(Hope this wasn't one of those 'had to be there' things)
(, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 14:30, Reply)
Traffic Warden
Parked up car, nipped out to chippy leaving mother and car on double yellow lines.

Along comes a traffic warden (only doing there job I might add, nothing against them personally).

Who walks up to the car and (with my mother's window open as it was quite hot) preceeds to ask my mother 'Can You Read' (gestering at the notice on the lamppost).

My mother, quite miffed replies with a
"Yes thank you, that's why i'm a Director of an Advertising Agency and your a Traffic Warden, now give me the ticket and go away".

Traffic Warden just walked off.
(, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 14:16, Reply)
two collegues of mine (1 male, 1 female)
were fooling around in the office having a bit of playfight. The girl was a bit on the larger side. The playfight got to the point where he was stood behind her with her arms held and she was slightly bent over a desk. She laughingly shouted to me 'quick quick call the police'. I chirpily shouted back 'what crime shall I say is being committed, rape or beastiality?'. Play fighting stopped instantly. Both returned to their desks. Ignore me forever after. Oh boy, my face hurt from the smile that day....
(, Tue 9 Oct 2007, 10:26, Reply)
The morning after
We were sitting in a cafe, nursing hellish hangovers, when my mate Mark notices the waitress is of the foxy persuasion. He thinks through all possible avenues of seduction, and decides the best way to woo said foxy waitress would be the classic 'Leave your number on the table' routine.

So he asks for a pen and piece of paper. The waitress brings over a tiny order form. After she leaves, my mate Neil asks, "What are you gonna do, draw a scale picture of your cock?"

"Man, if I was gonna do that, I'd need at least 12 of these" Mark shoots back

Quick as a flash, Neil says "Why, would you make that many mistakes?"

Classic
(, Tue 9 Oct 2007, 5:01, Reply)
Kebab Shop Trouble
I once happended to be freqeuenting a kebab establishment in Tolworth to purchase the mandatory super-large doner, no salad, extra chilli after a typical night on the turps.

Whilst I procured the meat pillow, my girlfriend at the time waited outside in the car. As Mehmet prepared the culinary delights, I stood at the counter, periodically waving to the missus outside.

Anyway, after several minutes a hideous, acne faced greaser got up from his seat next to the window and told me to "stop fucking flirting with his bird"...??...I glanced over and saw the aforementioned harridan sitting with her back to the window. She was about nineteen years old, with a face like a wheelbarrow full of hardcore, and the physique of a hod carrier. I explained that I was waving to my own "bird" who was in the car.

A couple more minutes pass, and I see my girlfriend pointing to her watch in the car. Naturally, I wave back (sort of) trying to indicate I would only be a couple more minutes. My hand gesture immediately incenses the vile young spastics sitting by the window, and the bloke steams over:

"That's fucking it !! Do you want to fuck my bird or not"

...snigger...

"Well I would, but I haven't got any change, and I don't want to break a fiver"

Suffice to say, things went down hill from here, resulting in a minor scuffle outside. Luckily, the hod carrier did not steam in to defend her boyfriend (or it could have been tricky) and I did not drop any of my kebab, which usually happens anyway, even under conventional circumstances.
(, Tue 9 Oct 2007, 0:40, Reply)
excellent one
the ex was insulting my current mrs and i spouted this gem:

"yeah, well the most intelligent thing to come outta your mouth was my cock"



nuff said really
(, Sun 7 Oct 2007, 11:46, Reply)
Your mom...

(, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 19:28, Reply)
Nerd insult
One I shall always remember just for its pure nerd level...

I was working at a small software development company at the time. The managing director had been chasing around to get the software ready in his usual 'I will promise more functionality if our current unrealistic timescales cant be met' approach.

The old man of the team is sat at his desk getting more irate at the code and the constant harrassment when the 'illustrious leader' walks up to him for about the tenth time that very long day..

MD: Is that fucking program ready yet?
Dev: Not yet, still working on it.
MD: Get it fucking sorted out..
Dev: Just got a problem with this bit of code..
MD: What the fuck do I pay you for! What bit of code!
Dev: Do, FUCK OFF, Repeat until, understood.

The laughter from the rest of us chased our not so happy leader from the room...

Cherry popped, back to the lurking...
(, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 14:57, Reply)
I think I had the best one ever.
Back in my mispent days as a student, we were all sat in the halls one evening, when we heard outside that some rapscallians were shouting abuse at us. Literally. We looked outside and about five lads were there, shouting "Abuse! Abuse!".

I have to give it to them, it was creative.
(, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 12:55, Reply)
Flame On...
I wish I could take credit for this but I can't. I was even nominated for an award for it in Alt.Tasteless back in 1999 but had to disqualify myself as it wsn't my original work. I'd had it lying around for ages after I found it in the middle of a flame-war on Usenet. I still occasionally send it to fuckwits who annoy me. Apologies for naff formatting.

Legless


You swine. You vulgar little maggot. You worthless bag of filth. I'll bet
you couldn't pour piss out of a boot with instructions on the heel. You are a canker. A sore that won't go away. I would rather kiss a lawyer than be seen with you.

You're a putrescent mass, a walking vomit. You are a spineless little worm deserving nothing but the profoundest contempt. You are a jerk,
a cad, a weasel. Your life is a monument to stupidity. You are a stench, a revulsion, a big suck on a sour lemon.

You are a bleating foal, a curdled staggering mutant dwarf smeared richly with the effluvia and offal accompanying your alleged birth into this world. An insensate, blinking calf,meaningful to nobody, abandoned by the puke-drooling, giggling beasts who sired you and then killed themselfs in recognition of what they had done.

I will never get over the embarrassment of belonging to the same species as you. You are a monster, an ogre, a malformity. I barf at the very thought of you. You have all the appeal of a paper cut. Lepers avoid you. You are vile, worthless, less than nothing. You are a weed, a fungus, the dregs of this earth. And did I mention you smell?

Try to edit your responses of unnecessary material before attempting to impress us with your insight. The evidence that you are a nincompoop will still be available to readers, but they will be able to access it more rapidly.

You snail-skulled little rabbit. Would that a hawk pick you up, drive its beak into your brain, and upon finding it rancid set you loose to fly briefly before spattering the ocean rocks with the frothy pink shame of your ignoble blood. May you choke on the queasy, convulsing nausea of your own trite, foolish beliefs.

You are weary, stale, flat and unprofitable. You are grimy, squalid, nasty and profane. You are foul and disgusting. You're a fool, an ignoramus. Monkeys look down on you. Even sheep won't have sex with you. You are unreservedly pathetic, starved for attention, and lost in a land that reality forgot.

And what meaning do you expect your delusionally self-important statements of unknowing, inexperienced opinion to have with us? What fantasy do you hold that you would believe that your tiny-fisted tantrums would
have more weight than that of a leprous desert rat, spinning rabidly in a circle, waiting for the bite of the snake?

You are a waste of flesh. You have no rhythm. You are ridiculous and obnoxious. You are the moral equivalent of a leech. You are a living
emptiness, a meaningless void. You are sour and senile. You are a disease, you puerile one-handed slack-jawed drooling meatslapper.

On a good day you're a half-wit. You remind me of drool. You are deficient in all that lends character. You have the personality of wallpaper. You are dank and filthy. You are asinine and benighted. You are the source of all unpleasantness. You spread misery and sorrow wherever you go.

You smarmy lagerlout git. You bloody woofter sod. Bugger off, pillock. You grotty wanking oik artless base-court apple-john. You clouted boggish foot-licking twit. You dankish clack-dish plonker. You gormless crook-pated tosser. You churlish boil-brained clotpole ponce. You cockered bum-bailey poofter. You craven dewberry pisshead cockup pratting naff. You gob-kissing gleeking flap-mouthed coxcomb.
You dread-bolted fobbing beef-witted flapper-clawed flirt-gill.

You are a fiend and a coward, and you have bad breath. You are degenerate, noxious and depraved. I feel debased just for knowing you exist. I despise everything about you, and I wish you would go away.

I cannot believe how incredibly stupid you are. I mean rock-hard stupid. Dehydrated-rock-hard stupid. Stupid so stupid that it goes way beyond the stupid we know into a whole different dimension of stupid. You are
trans-stupid stupid. Meta-stupid. Stupid collapsed on itself so far that even the neutrons have collapsed. Stupid gotten so dense that no intellect can escape. Singularity stupid. Blazing hot mid-day sun on Mercury stupid. You emit more stupid in one second than our entire galaxy emits in a year. Quasar stupid. Your writing has to be a troll. Nothing in our universe can really be this stupid. Perhaps this is some primordial fragment from the original big bang of stupid.
Some pure essence of a stupid so uncontaminated by anything else as to be beyond the laws of physics that we know. I'm sorry. I can't go on.

This is an epiphany of stupid for me. After this, you may not hear from me again for a while. I don't have enough strength left to deride your ignorant questions and half baked comments about unimportant trivia, or any of the rest of this drivel. Duh.

The only thing worse than your logic is your manners. I have snipped away most of your of what you wrote, because, well... it didn't really say anything. Your attempt at constructing a creative flame was pitiful.
I mean, really, stringing together a bunch of insults among a load of babbling was hardly effective... Maybe later in life, after you have learned to read, write, spell, and count, you will have more success.

True, these are rudimentary skills that many of us "normal" people take for granted that everyone has an easy time of mastering. But we sometimes forget that there are "challenged" persons in this world who find these things more difficult. If I had known, that this was your case then I would have never read your post. It just wouldn't have been "right". Sort of like parking in a handicap space.I wish you the best of luck in the emotional, and social struggles that seem to be placing such a demand on you.

Cheers
(, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 12:14, Reply)
Middle-class twat...
I recently added to some innocuous comment the plainly ridiculous suffix, "Because I'm street like that."

My mate Rob looked at me - and my cardigan - for a moment, then said with disdain, "More 'avenue', actually."

Guilty.
(, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 14:42, Reply)

This question is now closed.

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