Twunt
...I've started to use this is normal conversation...
(drain_bamaged, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 13:56, Reply)

To a co-worker:
Do you ever think about renting out that big empty space between your ears?
(Lupetherabbit Went straight into smirk mode on, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 13:55, Reply)

Mooks
We had a few years were we used to call each other Mooks at every available occasion... We were never quite sure what it meant... I think we got it from Goodfellas or Casino or something like that... "You frickin mook!"
(SillyMoo, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 13:55, Reply)

You've got a face like
a bulldog licking piss off nettles.
(THIRTY-TWO - Sputnik -, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 13:55, Reply)

azalea!
a family insult is to refer to people as total azaleas, after the man with two brains ('who are those assholes on the porch? not assholes dear, azaleas!')

my sister and her ex were frequently called 'the fuckwit mactwits', and now they have separated they are fuckwit and mactwit.

my favourite insult was one I apparently used a lot as a child - my wee sis had a black toothbrush, so I used to shout 'black fang!' at her if she annoyed me. my parents found it mildly amusing to have a child of 4 who seemed to be racist... must revive that one i think.
( ascorbate, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 13:54, Reply)

One night downtown...
Richard and I were walking to our cars, having been out playing pool for a few hours, and were going through the area with the trendy nightspots that always seem to attract the barely legal crowd. Ahead of us were two very heavy girls, both wearing low rise pants and the tightest tops they could stretch over themselves so that rolls of pale flesh were exposed everywhere, and strutting like they were Jordan and Pam Anderson. More inappropriate clothing for these two I could not imagine.

Richard looked at them and flinched, then turned to make a face at me. I shrugged and replied, "There goes five women on four legs."
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Thu 4 Oct 2007, 13:54, Reply)

Fucktard
is a useful alternative to 'fuckwit'.

"Face like a bag of chisels" is also a favourite (thanks to Les Dawson).

I also find that spoken correctly (i.e. with the appropriate level of disdain), simply calling someone a 'fool' is surprisingly effective.
( reallywittyname veraciously conspues lexiphanicism on, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 13:53, Reply)

I'm very proud of this
'You dogfelching rimjobber'

I wish I could use it more in polite company, I'm so proud of it.

Also, seen on a bus stop near Old St in London - 'TONY IS A JUNCTION CREAMER'

Any suggestions appreciated, I'm at a loss, frankly.
(The Moai, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 13:53, Reply)

Back handed compliment actually
an ex boss once stated 'he doesn't look like much buts he's as strong as a mong'.
(miklambam, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 13:53, Reply)

Kids are evil
"You're so poor you sold your dog to a Chinese take-away".
(THIRTY-TWO - Sputnik -, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 13:53, Reply)

At art college
a firm favourite was calling someone a 'quendo' whilst rubbing the groove betwixt your index and second fingers followed by a squeeking noise produced by forcing air into your top lip and out through your mouth.

Quite tame but made us laugh everytime.
(cherry B, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 13:52, Reply)

In-bread??? Queers???
After a row with the guitarist of our band he called us 'A bunch of in-bread queers'.
(Generalhammond, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 13:52, Reply)

your mother injects dog-spunk into her brain.
( pregnantfridge, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 13:50, Reply)

Me and some mates frequent a bar run by Czechs...
As such, we often greet each other as 'honič' (wanker)

As for length - they've run the bar for about 3 years I guess
( snee held his breath since, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 13:50, Reply)

Classic.
"Cunt him in the bastard"
(Avalanche - Purveyor of sexual deviancy since 1976, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 13:49, Reply)

the more infantile the better.
Some of my favourite insults include but aren't limited to; bellend, brownhatter, pisslipface, mingebreath, nobjockey, ringpiece, gussetfeatures, helmet, fanny, gobshite, turdburglar, James Blunt fan and flange.

I am 26 years old.
(chakaflange, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 13:48, Reply)

Well!
I think my name says it all.
( girlinthehole, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 13:48, Reply)

School insults
I think that "Darwinism", is right, school insults are belters. "NT", was a favoutite, for one kid everyone loathed; wnen saying good bye, you could say, "See you N T".
"Lezza" was a favourite, at junior school, for girls, even though none of us boys really knew what it meant. If challenged, we'd resort to "lady puff".
And "face like a robber's dog", is my favourite for ugly gits.
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Thu 4 Oct 2007, 13:48, Reply)

put down
my mate in work, mark bent, recounted a past girlfriend as 'having a minge like steptoes yard' only yesterday
(miklambam, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 13:47, Reply)

lost in translation
An angry Spaniard once told me that he would "shit in my mother's milk", though I personally preferred being insulted by an Italian who called me a "son of the blowjob woman".
Charming.

POP
(senhor_robson, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 13:46, Reply)

Always good -
Your mum made my trainers
(Daveypants laffo, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 13:45, Reply)

i have no idea what was running through his head
I used to work in the stock room at argos and the manager of the store was one of the most disliked people I'd ever met he was so spineless that you could say what you wanted to him and he woulndt sack you he'd just go off and moan to someone else who usually 9 times out of 9 agreed with the first person.

Anyways my mate Dan was having an arguemt with him over something to do with the staff not having enough help which wasn't getting through so in the end Dan came out with the rather surreal "Oh fuck right off you bag of left handed cat wank", I gladly carried on the tradition of surreal insults after that.
(Official Sarc, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 13:45, Reply)

Surprised this hasn't been done . . .
Oooooo it looks just like a penis . . . but smaller.

I'd like to add no one has said this to me in relation to the size of my penis.

Length? im happy with what i have and so is your wife :P
(Old Fella Doe a Dear a Female Dear . . . ., Thu 4 Oct 2007, 13:45, Reply)

I always used to love calling people monks.
I don't know why, but telling someone to "fuck off, you monk" always provides a certain sense of satisfaction.
( morrybyte made a subtle namechange at, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 13:43, Reply)

A friend of mine insulted another friend...
...and when the friend started to get a bit wound up he said, "Yeah, sorry, that was an old joke... hey, speaking of old jokes, how's your mother?"

The other guy looked annoyed, but before he could speak Pat said, "Okay, sorry, that was a nasty crack... hey, speaking of nasty cracks, how's your sister?"

I left at that point.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Thu 4 Oct 2007, 13:43, Reply)

My brother...
... not blessed with great intelligence (Spurs Fan) seems to take great offence at being called a "Jewish Shitcunt".

Although possibly the best ever was "You Ginger Monkey Cunt" - used casually in a discussion about referees taking abuse at matches. This comment was made by a girl who to my knowledge has never seen a football match in her life.
(Avalanche - Purveyor of sexual deviancy since 1976, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 13:42, Reply)

Chester is not in Liverpool. Or a zoo
I come from Chester.
I have been mortally insulted* by people replying to that information by saying: "That's in Liverpool, isn't it?", and once: "That's in a Zoo, isn't it?".

I am a Scouse Zoo dweller. :(


*not really- Liverpool's better than my hometown.
(pharmatron Death or Scunthorpe? CHOOSE!!, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 13:41, Reply)

Insults and threats
One I'm very fond of:

"You absolute SHITEHAWK"

I also like threats such as:

(to a girl) Shutup or I'll kick you in the bracket.
(shanvishnu, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 13:41, Reply)

Darwinism
Has just reminded me...

I live in University managed property on a fairly large campus in the MidWest. When the form came round for building allocation, I was asked did I have any special preference for a particular building. Now I'd done my research, I wanted a low rise block, no families, no undergrads, near the supermarket and not too far from work.

Did such a building exist?

It certainly did. And it's called...

Gaylord.

So I simply put on the form, "Please can I live in Gaylord. Please."

And I do! Yay!
(Rakky (forgot her password) The muffin maverick, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 13:39, Reply)

Chevy
"I want to look him straight in the eye and I want to tell him what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey shit he is. Hallelujah."
( abefroman skating on the thin life of modern life on, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 13:38, Reply)