I was late on Monday just gone because....
...a Scania of Polish nature that was travelling along the M4 in front of me burst into flames, well, the trailer did anyway.

I seem to have issues with fire.

I should stop using cars really.
( The Pollitt chooses to listen to Enya on, Wed 4 Jul 2007, 15:40, Reply)

Late Homework
Many years ago a friend of mine actually did have the excuse that the dog ate her homework - she was making a picture frame for an art class out of pasta, spray-painted gold, and woke-up in the middle of the night to the sound of crunching.

Luckily the paint and glue turned-out to be non-toxic!
(Moog Muppet, Wed 4 Jul 2007, 15:15, Reply)

This happened the other day
A friend of mine from Manchester visits us in London every so often, and I, being a lazy sod, am always late to meet her. This wastes her short time in the city and invariably makes her angry. If she isn't pissed off about it, she's teasing me about it.

So, we made a deal: Next time she visited, we (especially me) would actually be early lest we jeopardise the friendship.

On the day, I'd been spending time with someone I wanted to see more than her, and so left late and sent the following text: "Ack, there's works on the road and I had to go all the way around to the station! I'll be just a little late, I'm so sorry, it really wasn't my fault this time" (LIES!!!)

Just as I hit "Send", my phone rings. 'Tis my Mancunian friend, who tells me that she is completely lost somewhere in London's backstreets and hasn't a clue how to get to the station. She's tried her best to find her way but will be very late on the one day we promised not to be, and she now sounded close to tears.
"Hold on" she says suddenly, "I have a text"
I saw my chance.
"What??" I respond incredulously "You go back on our promise after all the crap you've given me and now you're going to hang up for some text?!?!?"
My false ranting and raving went on for a good full 15 minutes, whilst every so often I had to put my hand over the mouthpiece to stifle the announcements of "This station is..." to hide the fact that I wasn't actually there yet.

At the end of this conversation, after profuse apologies from her, I just said "fine then, go look at your damn text". "OK, just a sec, I'll just put you on hold" says she. A few seconds later, she comes back on.

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU'LL BE LA-"
I hung up, then burst into hysterics

I got bitch-slapped to oblivion when I did arrive (even later than her) but good lord it was worth it.
(Adamish Time of death, Wed 4 Jul 2007, 14:07, Reply)

getting up the hill
there was this massive steep hill i had to climb everyday to get to college, and after one particular bad cold period.. said hill became very icy and as i tried to get up it, i would just keep on slidding back down! there was no railings to hold onto or any way going around the hill.. so i tried one more time to get up the hill.

i got about a 1/4 of the way up it and slipped - sliding down the hill on my hands and knees, ripping my trousers and cutting my hands... i lose my temper and go home.

next day at college:

Teacher: what happened to you yesterday?
Me: I couldnt get up the hill!

appently my answer went into the book of stupid student comments that the teachers kept!
(chixor, Wed 4 Jul 2007, 13:42, Reply)

BOFH
.
If you need an excuse, and you're too lazy to think up your own, you could always use this:

pgl.yoyo.org/bofh/

An excuse for every occasion.

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Wed 4 Jul 2007, 13:35, Reply)

Does anyone else reckon...
...that whatever the subject, next week's QOTW is going to be littered with 'hilarious' reasons why people were late answering this week's QOTW?
(Monkey Tennis isn't Spartacus, Wed 4 Jul 2007, 13:12, Reply)

I'm a lazy twunt
Some standards I usually utilise and have had moderate success with

Punching the air in Glee at arriving 2 hours late and Exclaiming how your time machine works.

Localised Gravity flux cause the Duvet to be exceptionally heavy today.

DiLithium crystals wouldn't stabilise

Was followed by a kitten and as work has a no kitten policy I had to walk it back home

Have been moonlighting at a rival company because your pay rates are bollocks.

and when called to find out when I wasn't at work by a HR 'tard of the first order, told them to do one and shouted down the phone (I was on an arranged 2 week break and was getting married the next day), some how I still managed to receive a written warning for that.
(FuriKitten Sig Removed for being shite, Wed 4 Jul 2007, 13:09, Reply)

I was late because I was dreaming
When I was working for a completely barmy psycotherapist, I turned in one morning about an hour and a half late.

My boss Sandra asked why I was late, my reply was simply. "I was having such a nice dream when the alarm went off that I turned over and went back to the dream." This was 100% truth.

Knowing what her ethos was in respect to her ahem "work" there was little she could do apart from say "only you would use that excuse."

In reality it was a reason.

I clearly remember the dream, it was one of those nice flumpy dreams, where the grass was all astro turf green, where the trees and clouds were all made of marshmellows. Has it been a full on horn of a dream about the likes of Peter Steele, I think I would have had the flu that day.
(lympicita_ie, Wed 4 Jul 2007, 11:02, Reply)

Swans
I used to work in a call centre for BT as the monkey who did the stats. Not proud of it, but hey. Anyhoo, as part of this job I had to collate people's reasons for being late. Funniest was a woman who had to wait for her tights to dry in the radiator before coming into work 2 hours late.
Oddest was a woman who was struck by a low flying swan as she crossed a bridge in the centre of town.

Oh and width, girth, length, etc...
(fower.thief, Wed 4 Jul 2007, 10:13, Reply)

Baaaaaaa
late last night to the pub - sorry to all those waiting for an hour staring into your pint.

Because 100 sheep in the middle of the road...rural northumberland - i ask you...
(twiceydrinker hmmm is it pint time?, Wed 4 Jul 2007, 9:36, Reply)

Often late for band things:
Last week's rehearsal: "Sorry Rob, I was just vacuum cleaning and my computer caught fire, I'm going to be a bit late."

Recording session last year: "Well, you called me last night, and whenever you call I'm drunk, so because you called I was automatically drunk, and now I'm hung over. I need crisps."
( cynicist couldn't get rid of the comma on, Wed 4 Jul 2007, 9:32, Reply)

The Beano becomes reality
I'm jealous of this one because along with someone actually slipping on a discarded banana skin, it's something I've always wanted to see.

My colleague told me about a guy who was a bit late from his lunch break because he was so thrilled and couldn't stop laughing at what he'd seen.

Apparently he came running into the office, quite flustered and exclaimed, "Sorry I'm late but you'll never guess what I've just seen......a dog running from a butchers shop with a string of sausages in it's mouth!"

Marvellous.
( abefroman skating on the thin life of modern life on, Wed 4 Jul 2007, 9:20, Reply)

Late for me nan
cos some fake tramps named Barry + Larry didn't steal my phone
(Joey Stall, Wed 4 Jul 2007, 7:55, Reply)

Another for rachelswipe and others
My brother worked in Hatton Cross near Heathrow and lived in Finsbury Park. He worked nights and would often go to the pub in the morning and get shit faced. One time:
Woke up in Cockfosters. Woke up in Heathrow. Woke up in Piccadilly Circus - fought to stay awake. Woke up in Cockfosters. Woke up in Caledonian road - got out and walked home.
(Creamy Discharge Freeze Motherstickers, this is a fuck up, Wed 4 Jul 2007, 4:51, Reply)

There's a body under the train...
Was on the subway, and apparently someone decided that getting hit by the B train (Brighton Express) was a good way to start the morning for his fellow NY'ers. It was not. And considering that I work for the said transit authority, I kept my mouth shut. I didnt want to have to see the red stain of what was a man scrambled on the tracks. I was a good 90 minutes late. Boss was like - nothing you could have done. NYPD needed to go through and take statements. "Did you get hurt? Did you hear anything?" Now that might be true that someone would have heard something in the first 3 or 4 cars, but since I was in the last car - Ummm No.
(Subway Riding the rails underground, Wed 4 Jul 2007, 3:51, Reply)

I never make excuses as I don't like to lie...
... but upon arriving late to a lesson in college the teacher said "Pigeon, you're late!" to which I retorted "actually I realised I'd be late about half an hour before you did, so I think I'm keeping better timing than you are."

He laughed because he's cool. :) I miss that teacher... don't miss being at college though. Uni is so much better.
(Dyslexic Pidgeon, Wed 4 Jul 2007, 2:18, Reply)

Why Was I Late ?
had to have a quick wank and it went all over my shirt so i had to wash it ...

no i didn't think about getting another shirt...
(My name was taken by me Is Sleeping With Your Sister/ Daughter/ Mother On, Wed 4 Jul 2007, 0:54, Reply)

Why was I late?
The alarm didn't wake me up.

...

...

...these are supposed to be clever, aren't they...
(Zoidberg Jr - Food, you say?, Wed 4 Jul 2007, 0:27, Reply)

It could have happened!
"I was rushing to drop the kids off at school as my wife was feeling ill and in my haste I reversed the car over the family pet, Jack. I couldn't let the kids see so I had to go and bury him in the back garden. After dropping the kids off at school I had to go to the pet shop to try and find a replacement for Jack. Unfortunately they didn't sell the same breed of Goldfish so I"

He stopped me at this point...
(beirtipol, Wed 4 Jul 2007, 0:06, Reply)

Sometimes an excuse just isnt enough
Two weeks ago I was 30 minutes late for work. Again. For the second time that week. It was Tuesday.

The only excuse my mind could think of was in the catostrophy column. I looked around the car for something to wound myself with. My friend Jon was kind enough to let me borrow his bass guitar after helping him move his crap into storage while he enjoyed his unemployment sabaticcal and it was sitting next to me in the passenger seat. So at the first stoplight I picked the base up and drew it back.

KERBONNGGGG! Then I checked the vanity mirror on my sun shade and saw a decent welt, but I thought it could be better. KERBONGGG! KREBANGGG(oooh, look at the pretty stars)GGGGGgggg. Alright. Now I got a lump and the people stopped next to me have their mouths open. Still....

My injury was still lacking something. Ah, yes. Needs blood. I looked around for something to bust me open with. I found an earing of the stud varity belonging to my girlfriend. At the next stoplight I clenched my teeth and pushed the back of the earing through the flesh on my newly created forehead lump. I took a deep breath and brought it across my forehead with a "Keee-Yahhhh!!!" Karate style. I repeated this twice more as the people in the car next to me took pictures with their camera phones.

I walked into work looking like Terry Funk after a texas death match. My boss came up to me after I stumbled my way to my desk to ask why I was late. "Oh, my god?! what happened?"

"Oh, I was in a car accident. Can I leave early to go to the doctor?"

So I walk into the doctors office with this swollen bloody pulsating lump on my forehead and told the doctor what I imagined might of happened. I was expecting some pain killers and muscle relaxers, but I wound up with a release off work untill Friday. I accepted the offer.

Then I went to my docor feel good and loaded up on unnecessary pain killers.

Visit to crooked doctor = 80 dollars

Copay for schedule 3 narcotics (that's class B for you Torries) = 7 dollar copay for generics per 30 days

Watching primetime tv with your girlfriend while semicoherent = priceless
(anotherlogan and the whit he shites, Tue 3 Jul 2007, 23:50, Reply)

You talkin to me?
I don't have to explain to you why i am late, i can come in whatever time i want, i've only come in to tell you to fuck off and stick your job, i got lucky on the lottery last night.
Only ever used that the once, although i regretted it when the tenner was gone.


edit....just noticed it is my first b3ta birthday today....yay!
(turtles head is touching cloth poked a dwarf on the forehead at, Tue 3 Jul 2007, 22:34, Reply)

I was busy
watching a dog walk around my friends garden wearing a tie
(Pigmash, Tue 3 Jul 2007, 22:10, Reply)

Not me, but a "mate"
I used to have a friend who used to keep casts from past broken arms so that he could put them on to fake another one..

He got sacked in the end from his job selling shoes in a respectable shop and now works stacking shelves in a supermarket.
(alexlightfoot1 has to do toilet on, Tue 3 Jul 2007, 21:48, Reply)

if you've ever worked in catering/retail.....
or any shift job for that matter, the best excuse is so stupidly simple and its amazing how many times i have gotten away with it:

"sorry, i didnt know i was supposed to be working"
(rollerdisco, Tue 3 Jul 2007, 19:58, Reply)

You know.... It's a funny story...
...
(madeleinemccann, Tue 3 Jul 2007, 19:17, Reply)

I was late due to car trouble a few years back....
...when i drove a Mini.

I woked in a garage, so i knew full and well that lying about mechanical issues would be foolish, so i never did lie.

"We M.O.T'd your car last week Mr.Pollitt, i know full and well that there is nothing wrong with your car" said boss-man as he proceeded to give me a written warning for my lateness.

I spent the day being annoyed becasue i was, for once, being honest. My car was buggered and i wouldn't start that morning and drove at a top speed of 8.6mph all the way into work when it did start.

5.30pm rolls around, i leave....in a huff. Get in my Mini, which then promptly burst into flames.

Fireman reckond if i'd have had my seatbelt on i wouldn't have got out of the car in time.

Boss man gave me full use of a company vehicle and retracted my warning the next day. Wanker.

Chris

Length? Girth? None...it was a mini.
( The Pollitt chooses to listen to Enya on, Tue 3 Jul 2007, 17:33, Reply)

At school
When I were but a lad, another lad called 'Meek' walked into class ten minutes late. "Where did you come from?" enquired the teacher crossly. "Didn't your mother ever tell you?" replied Meek wittily.

Oh, how the class laughed.
(jambler, Tue 3 Jul 2007, 17:06, Reply)

arrgh!
my colleague, who we shall call Ransome, for it is is his name, is always late for things or comming back from lunch, his excuse.................. "i got the wrong bus", he has worked here for 5 months, well i say worked, been paid for being a lazy shirking glory stelaing, talks down to me even though i have taught him all he keeps cliaming to have forgotten even though he admitted to another colleage that he only asks me questions because he cant be bothered to find the right file.............breathe!!!!!

the 58 goes nowhere near work, it never has, and claiming he diddnt know whilst not very convinvcingly hiding his fucking nandos boxes in the bin is no fucking excuse!!!!!

my excuses, i have had many in other jobs the best one was in a well known off licence chain that rhymes with margin mooze when i woke up after an LSD nightmare and told my boss "i cant come in to work, i cant even leave the house, im freaking out on acid" and put the phone down.

QOTW? i dunno, but the rant was needed!
(superkitty is neither super nor a kitty, Tue 3 Jul 2007, 16:38, Reply)

Not Me, My Ex-Girlfiends Best Friend...
Woke up late for work on an extreme comedown from a heavy weekend, he called up and all he said was "i got cancer", he went into work the next day hoping everything would have been forgotten and by this time his boss had realised that he was lying and sacked him!

On a lighter note i was late for college everyday for 6months, everyday my excuse was the same that i couldnt sleep on a night till it got to about 5am-ish then slept through my alarm, but this was all true and no bugger believed me!

Lenght=i dnt really care as this is my first post!

FIRST POST! w00t! ^_^
(mufin_man1987 p u r e F I L T H k i z u k o L E E D S, Tue 3 Jul 2007, 15:19, Reply)