i coloured the truth just the once....
...when re-telling the story of a drunken brawl on one of my first nights out in newcastle.

I told all and sundry how some lovely geordie took offence to my new flatmates hair, when in fact he took offence at the fact he was wearing a Middlesborough FC top, in Newcastle.

I only did it to save my friends reputation... needn't have bothered as he jumped in and told anyone who would listen that i tripped over the pavement on my way in to the fight and the bruised knuckles i had were in fact from my fracas with the kerb.




Length? Anyone within 500 yards of the fight was in so much hysterics at me falling over that all violence was soon forgotten, so it was all over rather quickly.
( Mister B is eating an icanhazcheezburger with lmaonaise, Thu 29 Nov 2007, 16:57, 1 reply)

Motorcycle madness
I've got a small indented scar right in the middle of my forehead just under where my hair starts. When My kids ask me how it happened I tell them I got hit by a bee while riding my motorcycle at 150mph in an open face helmet.

What really happened though was that some kind of burrowing mite from my cat's ears jumped onto me while he was sleeping on my pillow and ate into my forehead.
( Ramsay Tupper, Thu 29 Nov 2007, 16:54, 4 replies)

Ah, yes....
All these come from one source. I went to school with said source.

1) He was officially a commando (aged 14), and could legally kill anyone he pleased.

2) He worked at an RAF base and was allowed to sign out any weapons he liked, including a fucking MINIGUN and bring it to SCHOOL. He never did.

3) His 'band' supported Green Day 'before they were big'

4) One of his dad's mates took him flying in a Tornado (also borrowed from work).

5) Bill Gates personally employed him as a programmer. For about a week, then he got fired for 'economic reasons'. This was aged 13.

6) He was close personal friends with Rancid.

Length? He never gave an honest answer to that one.....
(pharmatron Death or Scunthorpe? CHOOSE!!, Thu 29 Nov 2007, 16:53, Reply)

kids
Once upon a time, in a school far, far away. A young child recounted amazing stories about her past, present and future to her fellow classmates.

In one such story, said young woman was involved in a horrific car crash and had metal plates inserted into her head... 4 hours and 5 magnets later, after considerable effort, some minor restraint it was eventually proved beyond doubt that she did not have any metal plates.

After this little white lie was exposed some others followed, such as; she wasn't adopted and (with a lot of persuading) she didn't actually have a dead sister... amazing girl though.

first post too
(Princes Dags Cheese plant, Thu 29 Nov 2007, 16:48, 2 replies)

Pathological liars? Try being an subconscious one.
Talking to my dad on the phone a few months ago... Can't remember much about the conversation, but i recall feeling odd afterwards.

Next day, mind verbalises it: HE'S BEEN MARRIED 6 MONTHS?!?!

How DARE he not say anything! Am I not enough part of his life to know? Why wasn't I allowed to come to the wedding? Crap, I'm his "Secret" daughter... that's why all the dodgy stuff always comes to my address and then he picks it up... gah. He doesn't want me, no, no, this is hurtful...

I call my mother, who sympathises with my anger. I don't talk to him for quite some time... he eventually gets hold of me. I tell him somewhat meekishly why I haven't been talking to him.

He's speechless... and shocked... but doesn't explicitly deny it. All he says is that he can't imagine how that could have possibly come up in our last phone conversation. He sounds fairly shocked, but then I have no clue whether he's a good actor or not.

So um. ARGH. To add to this confusion I am taking crazypills, and I'm aware that "psychosis" or rather "loss of contact with reality" can occur.

So either
1. he's lying
2. I'm crazy

Both are bad.
(mmmm curry doesn't really understand this sig lark, Thu 29 Nov 2007, 16:48, 1 reply)

a
couple of years ago, my parents were taken to necker by a stupidly wealthy mate who had hired it to celebrate his 60th.

i went out for lunch with my friend sam, who at the time was working with a load of pikeys at a pikey loan company in pikey macclesfield. we were talking about necker and i was telling sam a little bit about branson's island paradise and all the things you can do on it.

the next day, a pikey came up to sam.

"your mate rswipe's a right liar, innit."

"why?" said sam.

"well," the gyppo said, knowledgeably, "i were telling me dad about this holiday she were telling you about. and my dad said it's bullshit. he said that mecca is where muslims go to pray."

dear god.

i didn't know whether to laugh or to be impressed that its dad had even heard of mecca in any context other than bingo.

i would apologise for being snobby, but if anyone here knows macclesfield, they'll know it's entirely justified...
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 29 Nov 2007, 16:46, 7 replies)

Oh, I just remembered this
Where I work is full of learned academics, some of whome have more letters after their name than i've got in my first and last name together. They have scientific meetings where they discuss conservation and related scientific matters. Apparently, one of the fellows is a bit worse for wear in the sanity department, but tolerated on account of being harmless and the money he gives. He once famously stood up at a scientific meeting and announced his friend was breeding a pheonix.

Priceless
( Jahled Three shades of black, Thu 29 Nov 2007, 16:45, Reply)

My grandfather invented and so forth...
There is a boy in my year at school and Henry is his name. He is renowned for his ability to tell lies. There are a few gems i can recall -

"My grandfather invented the Anglo-swahili dictionary" (no evidence for this whatsoever)
"My grandfather is the most respected man in Bangalore" ????? (note - he is not indian)
"My grandfather owns 10% of the land in Scotland" LOL
"My uncles friend got a VC....... his face was so disfigured from saving the boat collapsing when I saw his face he couldnt look the guy in eye (biggest lie as we found the name he gave us and Henry was born in 1990 and the VC guy died in 1971...

and finally one about the man himself - "I have faster acceleration than Asafa Powell" i never laughed soo hard

length... more than my grandfather's
(neorockz :), Thu 29 Nov 2007, 16:38, Reply)

I just read this on another website, make your own mind up:
A friend of a friend's parents, brother ... maybe sister (I wasn't paying much attention at this part of the story ) ... well, it's kinda irrelevant really. A guy and girl living together in their own house a few weeks ago had to take their pet snake to the vet. Now my friend knows this, because he use to go to the house a lot. The snake was treated more like a dog, I guess, than a snake. It would slither around the house by itself and curl up on the bed at night. It was friendly and this guy never minded the snake even though this is a really big snake. The couple had it for over a year and never had problems.
Anyway, back to the story. The guy and girl took the snake to the vet because it hadn't been eating for quiet a while and they were getting worried. The vet checked out the snake, ran some test and found nothing wrong - so in the end he just told them to bring it back if it hadn't started eating within a week.
The week goes by and the pair are back with the snake still not eating. Again, the vet runs his tests with no clear answer. So he asks them if there's been anything different, if anything had changed? The guy responds with nothing had changed except it had stopped eating.
The lady said the same, then added that a while ago she'd woken up during the night and noticed that the snake was lying perfectly straight, parallel with the bed and in between herself and the guy.
The vet looked at them with a stark face and simply said, We've got to put down your snake.
What? They replied obviously shocked.
We've got to put the snake down.
Why?
You don't want to know.
Why!?
Really, you don't want to know.
The bloke at that stage got a bit pissed off and raised his voice wanting to know why he wanted to kill his pet snake of over a year.
Finally the vet responds - because it was sizing you up. It was going to eat you.


( Jahled Three shades of black, Thu 29 Nov 2007, 16:36, 6 replies)

my mate...
my mate chris was a bad liar, he claimed:

1. he had a full size wwf wrestling ring in his garage
2. he could use his ZX spectrum to make swearwords come up on his neighbours tellys
3. he was an expert martial artists - but he couldn't share his moves because he was a 'master'
(westhead, Thu 29 Nov 2007, 16:35, 1 reply)

Girls like men who respond to lies
I went speed dating [insert claims about how-I-only-went-for-a-laugh-because-my-friend-was-going here]. It was boring me, to be honest, asking the same questions again and again. The guys there didn't seem remotely my type, plus everyone - including me - worked in computing in some form or other, but unlike me no one was getting excited arguing about which was the better operating system.

I decided to lie. I told the next bloke that came along that I was a taxidermist. Much respect to him, he played along.

"Taxidermist, eh?" he asked. "Do you stuff beavers?"

I replied that it depended on the beaver, but that I'd seen a few dead cocks in my time.

He was the only person I ticked on the list. Well, him and the would-be wine importer. Neither ticked me in return. I never went speed dating again.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Thu 29 Nov 2007, 16:29, 1 reply)

My other friend Joe Bloggs
... his name is actually Joe. Fucksocks.

At the end of college we had a Spring Ball. Tuxes, booze, etc. Anyway at the end of the night various people were discussing the level of vagina available to them. My mate shagged his girlfriend in a nearby playground, another got off with several women and even I managed to get a bit. She was bloody fit too, honest.

Anyway my friend Joe who shall not remain anonymous claimed to have pulled seven women. We were rightly congratulatory of him.

The next school day me and my friend were sitting in the common room and a lass by the name of Emily entered. We were discussing the night and I mentioned her escapades with Joe, which she denied. Myself and my friend were puzzled.
"Didn't Joe say he got off with seven women, including Emily?"
"He told me five."
We conferred with other friends and got conflicting messages. Four, nine, two. Only one was definitely true. Ah.

This all came out in a drunken argument with the Iceland lot (who I still go out with, only the manager thinks I'm a theiving cunt.) but unfortunately none of them knew the backstory.

Later on at aforementioned mate's 18th Joe told me he snogged our mutual friend Tasha. Congratulations, I said, having no reason to disbelieve him since it was a perfectly reasonable claim and they had done so before.

However, at a small drunken gathering Tasha dropped quite the bombshell to the whole room with Joe there. Three guesses...

Ten, twelve people, give or take, all pissed ourselves laughing at him and all Joe could do was stand there and take it.

I would've jumped out the fucking window.

Length? Well he claims 12" but who knows...
(MJPerry was crude but clickable at, Thu 29 Nov 2007, 16:28, Reply)

Hi Bob!
Living with Bob was a fairly interesting experience in retrospect. We eventually concluded that we really couldn't believe him about *anything* he said. Gems include

1. He was Irish. Lots of stories about this one too, about difficultly voting etc... This one was found once we found his birth certificate in the lounge... birthplace? "Gravesend, Kent" Nationality? "British"

2. He was NOT eating all our food. He managed to keep this one up to the extent where we were seriously considering one of our other housemates was sleep-eating. Foiled when he left a month early, and about 9 loaves of bread, 3 packs of ham and lots more piled up in the kitchen.

3. He knew *lots* about computers, and this one was held dear to him: he offered to help wire the house up, and with the support of our landlord, who was even willing to stump up the costs if she could use it for future tenants. I, admitting to know not knowing much, and thinking I could pick stuff up, agreed to help out. 2 months in with him there, I had learned tonnes (laptops as makeshift wireless routers ftw) and realised he knew sod all. This extended to hardware too, which he claimed to know tonnes.

4. He apparently had worked as a chef and was an excellent cook. His idea of cooking; one jar/tub of sauce and one pack of filled pasta. badly overcooked. He started with dominos, then generic takeaway pizza, then when out of money, started on our food.

5. He'd worked in a slaughterhouse in Ireland. Again debunked by the bf who was a butcher and actually knows about how meat is taken apart.

6. He created several fictional jobs he was going to... Including one at the local football stadium... lots of made up stuff about working in the bar... foiled by random housemate who had done first aid there through st johns.

7. He had passed his resits and was allowed back for part II... nope. So he pretty much lived on savings until he ran out, and after that point? Dated one of the other housemates for food/money until she saw some bloody sense.

8. He had a great social life, and had been with all these great women, and these great parties... He spent the entire year in his dressing gown.

9. He was allergic to chilli. This one we're not hugely sure on: he responded when he ate something with chilli in that he knew about, but when i started adding it to all my leftovers? No reaction at all when it was mysteriously missing the next day.

So um, yes. The big one;
The general gist of this is that his mother was protestant and his father was catholic, and she died when he was 9, and now his horrid catholic stepmother was being horrid to him and suchlike...

He lied about *everything* else, which is the problem.

The clues:
1. he called his 'stepmother' "mum" on the phone
2. When i casually used the term "stepmum" in front of his dad in conversation, he looked very very confused.
3. he lied about everything else

Click "I like this" if you think he lied. I still am completely uncertain.
(mmmm curry doesn't really understand this sig lark, Thu 29 Nov 2007, 16:22, Reply)

The real freak
This one's gonna be ugly. It's about a friend of mine who went through this ordeal a couple years ago, but I posted the account below on an ESL teacher's website for Korea, so the facts are preserved.

My friend, a half-Jordanian American army brat who grew up in Korea, had a friend who she told me owns a hakwon (roughly translated: study-til-you-get-hit-by-a-subway exam preparatory academy) in Daejeon, Korea. This guy told her the tragic tale of his past: he grew up on a Saskatchewan farm. His father was abusive and his mother was apathetic about it. When he was still a kid both his parents were killed somehow. He and his brother both got a large inheritance (8 million Canadian[which these days is maybe 9 million US]) and his brother committed suicide shortly after.

He did whatever he could with his money; although it brought him no happiness, he donated it to friends and worthy causes. So he offered my friend an insane amount of money to dominate him for six days. She said no. Eventually she mentioned it to another female friend, who confessed that he'd made the same offer to her. They found out he'd basically asked this favour of everyone they knew. One girl even got offered a million dollars.

Then he asked my friend to tie him up and keep her feet near his face for something like six hours. She worked out a deal which would have been around $1500; hey, wouldn't you? He said it wasn't for any sexual reason, just because he needed a woman to dominate him to correct some psychological problems related to his mother's attitude. And it couldn't be a prostitute; it had to be someone he cared about.

Before they were about to do it, he started amending the deal, such as suggesting that they would stay the night together. He did however tell her that he'd wired the money to her bank from his Canadian account. Well she checked, and it wasn't there. She called the Canadian bank, and they said it was impossible to make such a transaction, thus he was a liar.

At this point all of his stories were up in the air. The dead family, the $8 million inheritance, the whole "It's not sexual" thing, and whether or not he'd pay her. I've heard similar versions of this story from other girls teaching English in Korea and suspect they're all from the same guy. I might even be able to dig up his MySpace page if I look hard enough.
(racetraitor has an alibi for, Thu 29 Nov 2007, 16:21, Reply)

My friend Joe Bloggs
Who shall remain anonymous, even though if he reads this he'll know it's him.

He always came out with totally wild untruths throughout Years 7 and 8. For those not in the know they're the first two years of (most) high schools in England.

The few I can remember off the top of my head were him claiming that he chased off six massive black guys with a baseball bat. The fact that he was an average-size twelve-year-old didn't seem to hamper this belief.

Once when he was moody I commented on this and he snapped back "well you'd be moody too if your gran died in front of you last night." I felt like a right cunt and naturally apologised. I'd almost forgotten about it when I commented on his moodiness a few months later and he told me his nan had died last week. I was puzzled, but due to a two divorces in my family I have had four women I consider to be my grandmothers so I didn't make a big deal of it.

However throughout the course of our friendship he must have had a good seven or eight grandmothers die on him. Poor sod.

The best one though was the story of his mate Dan X. The X is 'cos I can't remember his last name. Dan was an unfortunate boy who was beaten up by his dad and sent to live with foster parents. They made him miserable and he killed himself. Sad. My friend Joe Bloggs took his revenge on the foster parents by breaking into their house and blowing up their two cars. Right.

We never believed this, but when at a party one day he came up to me and my friend and said "hey MJP89, MJP89's friend. This is my mate Dan X" we were rightly puzzled.

I don't understand this length jokes but continue to make them. Penis.
(MJPerry was crude but clickable at, Thu 29 Nov 2007, 16:18, 1 reply)

Okay, I've known a lot of liars
The biggest liar I ever knew was just a normal guy who discovered that his lies were the best way to make friends. When I was in elementary school he told me a story about his old school, where they made a snow fort so high the top of it was covered with cloud. He had all sorts of stories, about how he climbed to the top and held it against his classmates who were invading it. Stuff like that.

Several years later, we were in high school and I was sitting in his basement room listening to him go on. He was telling me that he regularly astrally projects. He told me his mom would walk by his room and be able to sense when he was having an out-of-body experience. When it was happening, he would go off to Andromeda, which is in his words a big astral-projection orgy where all the nutcases like him meet up. I sat there and took it, knowing it was total BS but too polite to call him on it.

A week later, he confided in me, probably the only time he ever told me the truth--lying makes him popular. He lies compulsively to everybody and it makes them like him.

To a certain degree I see where he's coming from. His lies were kind of a trust test--he'd feed you the lamest crap and see how far you'd bend backwards to keep up the charade. I know from the astral projection sex in Andromeda story I was willing to go pretty far.

Anyway, he wasn't an entirely dishonest guy, just in the stories he told. I think he was honest with his emotions.
(racetraitor has an alibi for, Thu 29 Nov 2007, 16:14, Reply)

Mike and Nathan
During my time at college I worked part time at a local Burger King to make some cash. Obviously, a few of my co-workers were not 100% all there but the two strangest were Mike and Nathan, two complete bullshitters.

Mike worked there for about 4 months when I first joined, and claimed that he was fired from his previous job after letting them clingfilm him to the top of a lampost and his boss took two hours out of his wages. In retaliation Mike claimed that he smashed his bosses car up with a sledgehammer.
He claimed that there is an abandoned train carriage under Bath Spa train station thats full of gold but nobody can get to it because its surrounded by poisonous gas and its haunted by the ghost of someone that died on the train.
Once he said he got into a fight in the town centre but when the Police couldnt restrain him, they had to call some off duty squaddies over to help out.
One time, a customer came in and Mike says "That guys a fucking dick, it might all kick off if he sees me here." I asked him why and he says "Well once he was giving me a lift home and the Police pull him over, and theres 2 ounces of skunk in back which he says is mine. I told them it was his and he went down for 2 years."
I cant remember much else he has said because it was a while but he also said that there is an underground city underneath Salisbury Plain big enough to house everyone in our small town and surrounding villages in case war broke out. Bizarrely, this actually turned out to be true.

The following summer, Nathan started working with us. Nathans mum was a drug dealer and I swear he must have been stealing her supplies because he was like Mike x100.
Firstly, he told us that he had been kicked out of school for breaking a teachers jaw (said teacher was about twice his size) and trying to beat another kid to death with a sledgehammer for telling the Police about his mum. When questioned about the sledgehammer incident again he said that he hadnt actually hit the kid but a teacher had found the sledgehammer and merely confiscated it from him.
He told me and another guy that he had been smoking crack from the age of six. This was probably true, because he was near enough anorexic.
We later found out the reason he was so thin was because (apparently) after leaving school he went on a two week speed binge and got so fucked up that he forgot to eat (for two whole fucking weeks) so he was rushed to hospital and put on a MORPHINE drip. He then went on to tell us that he would regularly take the drip out of his arm and by the time he got out he had filled up a Coke bottle which he gave to his girlfriend.
A female cusomer came in and Nathan points at her and says "She hates me, she fucking hates me. I beat the fuck out of her boyfriend twice in the same night". The fact that the customer was in her early/mid twenties and Nathan was a 16 year old drug addict who was barely over 5ft and weighed about 4 stone seemed to make the whole thing less beleiveable.
Finally, he told another kid that his dad used to be the biggest heroin dealer in town until one night some smackheads kneecapped him and robbed him and now he gets around in a wheelchair.
Everyone was happy the day Nathan forgot to turn up to his shift and never came back. Before he left, he gave me his phone number and told me to ring him if I wanted him to get me any "good shit". That was over a year ago now and funnily enough, I still havent phoned him.
(suckout, Thu 29 Nov 2007, 16:10, 3 replies)

Proxy story: Going to New York
A chap I used to know used to tell the story about how one morning as a young lad his dad got him out of bed dead early because "We're going to visit New York!"

He ran down stairs and had breakfast on a wave of excitement, and his old dad took him along to the pier where they got on a boat and - true to his word - visited New York for the day.

It was not until the following Monday when he hold all his mates at school about his New York adventure that the awful truth had dawned.

He lived on the Wirral. His dad had taken him across the Mersey to Liverpool, where they'd done a bit of shopping. He hated his dad.
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Thu 29 Nov 2007, 16:06, Reply)

I, Humpty...
... think that Masturbation is Evil and perverted, and I'm saving myself for the right woman.
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Thu 29 Nov 2007, 16:05, 1 reply)

Mad flatmate
I've had the misfortune to live, over the years, with a few odd people.

Mad Margaret: a born-again Christian who said she had visions, that her LOTR fan-fiction (complete with songs written in Elvish) was about to be published internationally, and that she didn't have sex before marriage (come on, her bedroom was over the kitchen and we could see the ceiling move in rhythm to her bed every time she got bonked). However, the one she most used was "I'm not coming home tonight, I've tried to kill myself, I'll be back from the hospital in the morning" (then telling us not to bother coming to see her). Most of the time, she was just staying over with a male friend, but didn't want us to know she was breaking the no-sex-before-marriage thing. One time, it was slightly true. She'd taken an asprin overdose. 4 pills instead of 2. The hospital checked her over and then told her to go home and not do it again.

Then there was a girl I went to school with: the list of things that happened to her included having had hair down to her knees when she was 13 (I went to prep school with her as well, so knew this wasn't true), that her nose is ugly and crooked because it got broken really badly, even though her father and brother both have the same nose as her, that her parents were getting divorced, that her parents had miraculously decided not to get divorced (when a teacher offered to talk to them about how their divorce was affecting their daughter), and that she was an olympic-standard sprinter. The one which caused the most hurt, however, was when she decided she didn't want to be my friend anymore, and that she didn't want anyone else to like me either. So she said that when we were at prep school together, I'd vandalised the school and blamed it on some random boy, who'd then been expelled from the school, arrested by the police, and thrown out of his house by his parents, and who was now homeless. As we were the only two people from our prep school to go to this secondary school, there was no-one else who could back me up when I denied this. It was her word against mine. And as she was the pretty sporty one, where I was the weird musicy gothy one, everyone believed her. And thus for three years, I had practically no friends at all. I'm over it now, but I still have to say that Charlotte Hancock is a complete cunt.
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Thu 29 Nov 2007, 16:04, 2 replies)

I don’t mean to name-drop…

But I knew a bloke (well he was about 17 at the time) who claimed to have invented the internet no less

Now this was in the days when a modem looked like a spongy plastic bra that you would put a phone handset into, and PCs just had black screens and BASIC, but still, he knew a damn sight more about computers than I did.

Before I continue – I would like to add that I have no idea about how much is true or not about the ‘facts’ he told me which I am about to spout. Some may be true, but it might be that worst thing of all - lies mixed with the truth to confuse you.

His name was James and he was a proper mong. Skinny, weedy nerdish type, all teeth and gums and zero personality. Always trying to deny his posh upbringing, he wore a Freddy Krueger hat (which I threw out of a moving car into a river once but that’s a different story) and had longish hair in a bob.

He claimed that ‘in the beginning’ there were 3 internets that spoke 3 different languages, all competing to become the ‘VHS’ of the range and not the ‘Betamax’. ‘Gummy’ James said he wrote the language that translated the different codes from the three internets and combined them to create the one ‘true’ internet that we know now.

‘Fuck-a-doodle-do!’ I exclaimed after hearing this, realising I was in the presence of true genius and potential riches beyond the dreams of Avarice. ‘What did you do then? How much did you sell it for? What were the offers?’ I pleaded.

‘Ah I did it for the ‘people’. As soon as I created the internet, I let it grow from there’ he proclaimed.

Noble. Interesting. But utter horseshit nonetheless.

Anyhoo, there is a really happy ending to this story.

James had a sister who was extremely attractive…and I shagged her.

Now that IS the truth. Yay.
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Thu 29 Nov 2007, 16:03, 4 replies)

Hey Big Fibber



Johnny, a bloke I was in school with. He claimed to be a DJ on a pirate radio station while we were still in school. He told us the frequency and the time and stated that it was he on the airwaves. Unfortunately for him a fellow pupil's cousin *was* a DJ on that station so he was found out.

After we'd left school. He claimed he'd invented various household gadgets and board games but could never list the same items twice. He also claimed to have designed games for the ZX Spectrum (this was the early '80's) but, once again, kept mentioning different titles every time. He used to be utterly unfazed when a copy of a Speccy game would be produced and his name nowhere to be found. "I used an alias as I work for several companies at the same time."

The last time I saw him, abut 15 years ago, he claimed to be managing a successful pub/restaurant. He lectured me on my lazy ways when I told him I was an unemployed layabout. Imagine my delight when, on turning up to sign on the dole, I spotted him in a neighbouring queue. He went red and claimed that he was on the verge of emigrating so had quit his job. I later found out, through a neighbour of his, that he was only a part-time barman in the pub but had been laid off for various misdemeanours.
(Fanta Menace Is tall enough to see over the fence, Thu 29 Nov 2007, 16:03, Reply)

I have a friend
who once started a sentence with "When I lived in Japan...".

He never lived in Japan, he just can't help lying.

He also claimed that he used to "play karate for Wales", and that the car he was learning to drive in had 2 engines.

He's also not too bright. He thinks that Tiananmen Square was "quite bad" for China, that we should stop trading with all of Africa (because he misunderstood what a trade deficit was), and thought that the left wing mirror on a car was for the passenger.

Just join the Facebook group.
( sprinkles ITS AN ISLAND, morron, Thu 29 Nov 2007, 16:03, 1 reply)

Shaggy
I have a friend named Shaggy who is a habitual liar of the highest order - albeit fairly harmless...

His claims:

1.) His nan is Grotbags.
2.) He used to own a pet smoking Gorilla called Gemma that died of lung cancer.
3.) Golliwogs live in the forest near his house.

At his wedding I bought up these porkies in my hilarious best man speech, only to discover they are all in fact true.
(wrigglesworth, Thu 29 Nov 2007, 16:02, Reply)

Speaking as a man
Having recently came out of a long-term relationship, I have told my fair share of lies. Some of the most blatant :

"Yes, I would love to go see the new Hugh Grant film with you."

"Of course you're better looking than her."

"I can't wait to meet your parents."

"Your mother seems nice."

"You're right, Mariah Carey is such a talented singer."

"That's okay, I didn't feel like going out tonight anyway."

"Your new haircut makes you look so much better. I love it."

"If you don't feel like having sex, that's okay with me."

"You're friends are wonderful. They made me feel so welcome."

"Of course I would still love you if you were fat and ugly."

And the worst of all,

"I agree - we should still remain friends."

On a side note, I would just like to say, to all the posters who admit to being gifted liars and then follow this up with a hurried "But not in my QOTW answers. They are all 100% true" - I believe you. I honestly do
(Pavlov's Frog figures no-one really reads sigs anyway, Thu 29 Nov 2007, 16:02, 3 replies)

2 degrees of Freedom
Met a guy in a bar in Tokyo (ex-pat). He worked for one of those consulting companies who lied to everyone a few years back saying they were going to change their name to "Tuesday" or something. It was the end of a hard day on the trading floor and we all piled into an English pub in Ropongii. We were served Boddingtons draft by a Manc. Landlord who had once been at a party with one of my ex's (which involved a swimming pool and a large rugby player of african desent, whom I'd met with the ex on a number of occasions, socially) - he might have embellished the tale, slightly, after I told him we had just split up. Anyway.

Said consultant spun this tale of when he and some fellow revellers from said pub, had commandeered a Jap JCB and took it for a ride home through Yotsua San Chome. They ended up with motor cycle outriders and a blessing from the Sun Prince of Japan.

The detail might bore you but it went on for hours as his fingers darted over the Reuters Telereal terminal on the bar. It had to be the most outrageous story I've ever been told*

Later that week, however, we were in another bar (this time in Yotsua San chome) owned by an Irish ex-Judo Champion.

When relating our experience the owner said. Tom**? I know Tom he's that f*&cker from KPMGPwCMcAutherPark. It's all true. I know it because I was driving the JCB ;-)

It's a good job their police aren't allowed to carry guns



*Until this week's QOTW that is.

**Names changed to protect east-west diplomacy.
( buffet_the_appetite_slayer ٩(●̮̃•)۶ jacked in to the ICE on, Thu 29 Nov 2007, 16:01, Reply)

Girls like men who lie (2)
"If I don't have sex I'll be in pain."

"I'll pull out in time."

"Of course it won't hurt."
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Thu 29 Nov 2007, 15:59, 3 replies)

My middle name
My middle name is shared with a famous (ish) admiral who died in 1810. It was also my paternal Grandfather's middle name and his Father's and his Father's etc. All the way back to 1810 as said Naval gentleman only had daughters... So each of the daughters gave their first born sons this as a middle name, and the tradition continued to my Grandfather, who hating the name didn't give it to my Dad.
My Dad because he's like that gave it to me.
I related this story to many people, I purchased a framed picture of the Admiral I found in a junk shop I was quite proud when I found schools and towns also named after the man.
At my 21st birthday I was regaling an audience with the above tale when my Grandfather pointed out that it wasn't quite true. That in fact his Mother had "fancied" a Major in the first world war who shared as surname with said Admiral and told my Great-Grandfather the load of rubbish you see above so she could name my Grandfather after the Major.

I think I prefer the story now.
(nebbie, Thu 29 Nov 2007, 15:58, Reply)

Car bloke
I used to work with a guy who lied about everything, but especially cars. He used to 'own' just about every car you would care to mention, but my favourite story is this one:

About seven our eight years ago I was thinking about what car I should buy. I like my cars, so was thinking of a sporting classic. On the shortlist was: Lancia Delta Integrale, Mitsubishi Lancer Evo 5, Honda Integra Type R and Lotus Exige.

Much to my shock and bemusement, it turns out that he'd already owned (and subsequently sold-on) the first three cars on my list. He said they were all 'ok, but a bit shit'.

But as luck would have it, he'd literally just paid for a brand new Exige, and he was going to the local Lotus dealer to collect the following weekend.

I humoured him and urged him to bring it in on the Monday to help inform my decision. Come Monday morning I sought him out only to hear that he had picked the car up on the Saturday, and all seemed fine. He loved it, and drove it all day. He drove it to France and back.

Unfortunately, on the Sunday the front right wheel fell off. So he took it back to the dealer and demanded his money back. The Lotus dealer, being a kind and generous chap, refunded his money in full, and even gave him a complementary track day voucher for a blast round Silverstone in a Elise 111S.

And the best piece of news was that, despite having previously owned four exotic, fun, quick and highly desirable cars, he had the foresight to keep his old Nissan Micra - the very same Nissan Micra that he'd driven to work every day that I'd known him, no less. (I assume he didn't want to expose his other car(s) to the elements, rare and exotic as they are.)

Last I heard of him he was driving an Audi TT (with a silent 'wa'). In fact, he did actually own a TT. I saw him in it. But when I spoke to him, he told me he was just about to sell it for a Ferrari 360.
(rymix, Thu 29 Nov 2007, 15:55, 2 replies)

Girls like men who lie (1)
Two mates I used to work with went on the pull. Since no one considered IT a remotely sexy career they decided to spice up their jobs a little by blatantly lying about what they did for a living.

Mate 1 told all who'd listen that he was a pilot. To be fair, he'd got down to the last round of interviews so he ably bluffed it and wowed the ladies with his Top Gun attitude.

Mate 2 trumped this by announcing he was a shepherd, then proceeded to break down and cry about how he lost all his little lambs in the Foot-and-Mouth cull. He didn't have to buy a drink all evening.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Thu 29 Nov 2007, 15:55, 1 reply)