He probably only wanted to fit in…
In this short time of the QOTW opening, we’ve already has multiple stories of the kind of nob-rots who insist that whatever you have, they have two of them, that are twice as good as yours, and cost half the price. God I hate them…and I know fucking hundreds of them (ok then, maybe about a dozen).

When I was at school, there was one of these such ball-aches called Nathan. In our circle of friends he was the well known first-class exponent of spouting unadulterated one-upmanship bollocks. Our tolerance for his bullshit would depend on the lies themselves.

His ‘Oh yeah, I’ve got a ZX Spectrum, a Commodore 64 AND and Amstrad…but I can’t buy any games ‘cos my dad uses them for work’, would be greeted with a tut and an ‘oh dear’; however, his ‘I’ve got a 50 speed mountain bike that cost 12 Grand and is made out of graphite so it’s so light that if I didn’t chain it up it would float away’ would be greeted with a unanimous ‘FFS’.

In the presence of a larger audience (particularly including girls), Nathan’s porkies would swell and mutate before our helpless ears until we were all devoured under his metaphorical quicksand of uberwank. He just couldn’t help himself.

We were about the age when we were being allowed to go to concerts unsupervised. Of course, if anybody amongst us was lucky enough to go to one, Nathan had been too, he had the best seats in the house, met the band afterwards, went to the aftershow party, where they signed all his records and he could help himself to the pick of the groupies etc etc blah blah. Of course, any specific details of the gig were a bit sketchy because he ‘was soooo pissed man!’.

A couple of mates and I had a few gigs lined up over a period of a month or so. We had saved up bloody hard for the tickets. Unlike Nathan, who was a heavy metal fan, we were big fans of the bands concerned (The Cure etc)and all looking forward to them. Suffice to say it was pretty much always the topic of conversation when we all got together.

Up steps Nathan with a pretend interest: ‘Oh yeah, I’m going to ALL of those gigs…’course it won’t be as good as when I was guest of honour at Live Aid etc etc’ (please note the irony that I am now lying about the actual lies I was told because I can’t specifically remember…Anyhoo).

Now here’s where he had crossed the line. I wish I had thought of the idea…but it was a mate of mine…with a sly wink in my direction he says to Nathan:

“Have you got tickets to the Jimi Hendrix gig next month?”

Nathan, using that almost Jedi-like sense that all Billy Bullshitters have, half realised something was wrong: “Ermmmm” he said. You could see the cogs going round in his head – Jimi Hendrix was dead wasn’t he? Was he? What could this lad be talking about? Why mention a gig? There’s gotta be something going on...”Ermmmm”

Sussing that I had a chance to blast the bastard wide open, I jumped in.

Me: “Oh I have. I reckon it’s gonna be the gig of the year…you know…considering the circumstances.”

At this point Nathan makes his choice, takes a deep breath and says:

“Ermmm no, not yet”

‘Fucksocks’ I thought to myself, hoping that he would fall straight into our trap and we could take the piss like the relentless bastards we were.

However, that didn’t stop us telling all of our friends and the rest of our class about how we ‘nearly’ exposed Nathan as the blag-happy, bollocks-spouting clag-nut that we all knew he was.

But happy fate was to deal us a hand.

The next morning we were all sat around with that knackered-out hush just before our first lesson when in bounds Nathan.

With a shit-eating grin, he proudly announces before a 30-strong class:

“Hey everybody! I was on the phone all night to the booking office…but I finally got my tickets to see Jimi Hendrix LIVE!!!”

Cue a stunned, mouth-open few seconds of silence….then:

“HAAAAAAAAAAHAAAAAAAAHAAAAAAAHAAAAAHAAAAAAAAA” Screamed the whole class. “NATHAN YOU TOTAL BULLSHITTING WANKER, HE’S BEEN DEAD FOR YEARS”

At this point, Nathan starts to fill up. Bright red and sniffing, he desperately tries to dig his way out of the hole by declaring “Oh…yeah….I knew that…I had you all going, didn’t I? a-hurr-hurr”

But his game was up. I’d like to think that even now, if that twat thinks twice before spinning his fibs in future, then that day would have had something to do with it.
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Thu 29 Nov 2007, 14:30, 5 replies)

Hahaha
I really hate people like that! I have three of them to contend with.
But I have a sixth sense for lairs, so there ya go.
( ClanSoul, Thu 29 Nov 2007, 14:43, closed)

I like your posts
But how about cutting them by about 60%. It's the journo in me - I appreciate concision.
(frankspencer, Thu 29 Nov 2007, 15:07, closed)

Sorry Frank...
But when I get started...and my fingers begin to stroke the keys ever faster and faster...my breathing gets heavier as I work myself in a frenzy of sweat and anguish, splurging my prose from the innermost love-mound of my mind...until......until...

Ah, fair point. I do blither on a bit. I'm just bored that's all. I'll bear your suggestion in mind.
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Thu 29 Nov 2007, 15:34, closed)

Frank:
Your nickname should be 'Sir Concision'
( chart cat has an itch, Fri 30 Nov 2007, 10:59, closed)

again
another i like this for replies needed
(electrogirl no one thinks about the implications of a clown su, Fri 30 Nov 2007, 12:16, closed)