The cake is a lie
Except the ones who are dead
(Dwarfsmuggler Has hogtied Snow White, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 15:40, Reply)

my name is jacob dyer and i live in bristol. it is fantastic. i sound like barnaby bear. i like barnaby bear. one time he went to france. i went to france. but some kid burnt my neck. i didnt like it.

( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 15:26, Reply)

Bunnies can and will go to France.

( Dr Preference AjcuiVd289, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 15:03, 3 replies)

The twenty year lie
Five of us shared a house in the last year of university, all blokes trying to find jobs. Bob had a particularly good opportunity with a bank, which was his absolute dream job. Now Bob was the kind of person who professed to taking massive drugs. The night before his interview we were sitting round having a drink and Bob was giving us his drugs stories. Mike produced a small pink pill and offered it to Bob, saying he didn’t know what it was, but it was reputedly strong stuff. Bob took the pill and necked it. For the rest of the evening he professed to feeling a little light-headed but nothing odd.

Next day Bob went off for his interview, returning late afternoon with a tale of woe: another candidate had said there was a drugs test as part of the interview process. Knowing he’d taken an unknown drug the night before, Bob had run out of the offices. Bye-bye nice job. Mike felt awful. He’d told the rest of us that the pink pill was in fact a child’s sore-throat tablet: he’d given it to Bob as a joke, and now Bob had messed up the offer of a good job. Mike couldn’t bear to tell Bob the truth.

We all kept in touch as we eventually found jobs and moved away, found girls and settled down into the middle-class routine of work, marriage, kids. Except Bob: he drifted in and out of temporary jobs, travelling to Eastern Europe and then Asia. Eventually he moved to Australia, moved in with a girl and took a job which was nothing special, but allowed him to live. While the rest of us kept in touch, Mike and Bob’s friendship was strained. All this time Mike was thinking to himself that he’d caused this by his lie: if only he’d told Bob the trick on the day of the interview, or even just afterwards, Bob might have had another chance, got the job, and had a different life.

Ten years after leaving university we all met up again: the first time that Bob and Mike had seen each other for many years. As we caught up with each other’s lives, and Bob explained his happy-go-lucky existence, Mike couldn’t hold it back any longer and burst out with the story about the tablet: he was so sorry, he felt awful. Bob was silent: he stared at Mike, and shook his head slowly. “That’s all right mate, water under the bridge, hey?” he said. “Still, I wonder what might have been…” We all took a sip from our pints and stared at the table in silence for a while.

Mike left the get-together soon after. As soon as he was gone Bob burst out laughing. He’d realised the pill was nothing. In reality he’d had a change of heart as he got off the tube to go to the interview: did he really want to spend his life commuting to work with everyone else, and settle down to play happy families? He’d had a great time travelling the world, and he couldn’t be happier where he was now.

That was 10 years ago. Bob still hasn’t told Mike. In fact he didn’t like Mike much anyway; losing his friendship was no loss as far as he was concerned. The twenty-year lie, still going.
(Smale is stuffed, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 14:52, 15 replies)

For the past five-odd years
I have very irregularly and very infrequently posted tales of stupidity on the internet.
(cs1ca, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 14:39, Reply)

A Derailed train...
It was Faliraki twelve years ago and six lads, including me, went to that delightful place for the same reasons everybody else does. We found the small wally-trolley train that ferried families to the front immensely funny and would make the 'pull-down' gesture to get the train driver - think convoy truck driver - to ring his bell. We then would point at all the families and shout 'saddo'. It became the habit of the holiday and whenever something fortuitous or funny happened we would all make the 'train' gesture and shout 'Toot toot'.

Two of my friends, (who I shall call Steve and Durham and both with long-term partners, I might add) spent the night with two Polish ladies and slinked off with them in a taxi. Yours truly, had a fallow night and staggered home for sleep.

The next morning, after the microhangover that only the young have, wore off and the rest of us watching Steve and Durham do the walk of triumph. I will not dwell on Durham falling down a cliff as it is not pertinent to the story. Instead, I will talk of their night with the ladies in question.

While Durham was bumping ugly with the one young lady. The other young lady seemed less than interested and the reason why became apparent when Steve went for a wee. It was likely they did not sell tampons in Poland as she had bought Greece's entire stock in her bathroom and this most likely explained her reluctance to have sex with young Steve. He was disappointed but philosophical and did the gentlemanly thing and held her while she slept. Two hours later, he awoke Durham so they could escape while the ladies slept but before he left, he point at the young lady's knickers, where the string of her tampon was visible and poking out. Steve then pulled the string softly and started whispering 'toot toot' and they both laughed. Childish, yes. Funny, a little bit, but the 'toot toot' and gesture gained a whole new meaning to us.

Two weeks later, and we are back in England and I am in the back of a black taxi with Steve, Durham and their girlfriends. Steve's partner then announces to everyone that she had secured a promotion. Cue a massive load of congratulations and me, unthinkingly shouting 'Toot toot' and doing the train gesture. Time stopped. Both Steve and Durham stopped laughing and stared at me. Meanwhile, Durham's partner Helen found this gesture funny and started doing it too. She asked where it came from and Durham then regaled her with the story of the trains in Faliraki and how it was from an R Kelly song - heaven knows where he came up with the second part. But for Helen, it stuck. She would do it to anyone when something good happened, so much so that we accepted it and I did not receive the customary glare from Durham any more.

Five years later, Durham and Helen got wed on a beautiful beach in the Caribbean - I was lucky to be one of twenty guests at the wedding. We were all a bit older and wiser and our days of philandering were long behind us. Steve had met his now wife and was spending his weekends at garden centres, the saddo, and was sat beside me while they gave their vows in the glorious sunshine. The registrar pronounced them husband and wife and she turned to everyone beaming with love and happiness and looked me in the eye and went 'Toot toot'. Durham's baleful glare returned that day, I can testify to that. It was even worse when we returned to a marriage party where she had printed 'Toot toot' on all the napkins.

They divorced some years later. Nothing to do with events in Faliraki, or tampons, or train drivers she said. They'd just grown apart. I nearly told her the entire story then, she was and is a lovely woman but I thought why spoil a happy memory?
(occasionallyfunny, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 14:14, 14 replies)

I convinced the world that it didn't exist.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 13:33, Reply)

Supermodels
Have not, will not, and have never driven around with anyone who drives a Honda accord.
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 13:31, Reply)

Hey everybody! You should meet my dog!
He's great!
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 12:38, 7 replies)

I was shocked to discover that the woman I knew as 'Mother'
was really a prostitute who was no relation to me.

Then I remembered it was my idea to call her that.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 12:36, Reply)

Theophilous Thunderwulf reminded me
My Great Uncle was called Dan - family, friends, basically for the 25 years or so that I knew him I never once heard anyone (including his wife) refer to him as anything other than Dan or Dad.

At his funeral I was quite confused when the vicar started going on about some bloke called Tom. Turns out when he joined the army back in the 40s he'd been put in a regiment with several other Toms. Since his surname was Daniels, and there weren't any Dans, it took approximately half an hour before a new nickname was bestowed.

When my great aunt met him for the first time he was introduced to her as Dan. Apparently by the time she found out what his actual name she thought it would be too confusing to start calling him something else so she didn't bother.

I always did think his parents were a bit cruel naming a boy Daniel Daniels.
(Milo Minderbinder, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 12:15, 13 replies)

Lottery win
About 6 or 7 years ago, my partner and I decided to pull the old lottery win April Fool on my step daughters. Not thinking for one minute that any of them would be daft enough to fall for it.

This basically involved Mrs Bort reading the numbers from our computer screen, whilst I call on all my Am dram experience to embellish the lie with some excitement along the way. Once all the numbers had been read out, we jigged around the house whooping with delight and watching in amusement as 3 of the 4 daughters saw straight through the ruse, and asked us to go back to bed. The one remaining daughter, the eldest ironically, believed every word of it.

As a bit of background to this I should say that the elder 2 girls lost their father when they were 6 and 7 respectively. His death had affected them both terribly at the time, but in the intervening ten years or so, careful work by their mum had put them back on track.

Maybe it was a lingering rawness that had made the eldest burst in to tears and exclaim aloud that at last things were going right for us for a change. Her sobs and the period spent hugging her mum made me feel like the biggest tool in the box, and although her mum had been a willing accomplice to the gag, i knew that it would be up to me to extinguish these flames.

Luckily she took it well, or at least she seemed to, but I will never do anything like it again.

Length - around 10 minutes all told, not traditionally long, but put into context, a fucking lifetime.
(Ovon Bort Wondering why he chose this username, since 1999, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 12:06, 7 replies)

Smell my cheese
Was trying to woo a lady at work that I rather fancied the pants off, and was in the 'flirting like a bastard but not with enough encouragement to actually go for it' stage. I was due to head off to the Dordogne for a week with an old uni mate to visit another former uni friend who was running a Eurocamp site out there. I'd mentioned my impending holibobs, and she informed me that she absolutely loved french brie and could I possibly get her some while she was over there.

Right, thinks I - a thoughtful (if slightly pungent) gift could seal the deal.

Of course, I spent the next week getting shitfaced on cheap red wine and totally forgot about the present - even visiting a bloody food festival in a local village and not manging to purchase some bloody brie. After I'd got home, I realised on my way into the office that I had totally bastard forgotten about it, and was about to head back into work without te one thing she'd asked me for. Not only that, I was pretty bloody skint as well. Titwank.

With a flash of inspiration, I dived into Asda and bought some smartprice super-bargainous brie all shrinkwrapped and whatnot. I also bought a sheet of brown paper and a roll of string. Unwrapped the brie and re-wrapped it in my more authentic paper and string presentation, then handed it over.

She was really touched I'd gone to the effort of bringing it back from my holiday for her, and promptly invited me round for dinner - with cheese and biscuits to follow. Yes, we did get together that night and it lasted a few years - often when telling people how we got together she would tell this story about me bringing her home a thoughtful present from a holiday and she invited me round to share it etc etc.

I know, I'm a bad man :-( A four-year relationship ultimately started with a bit of total bullshit. And no, she didn't notice that the brie was cheap asda shite. Ho hum.
(Bappage, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 11:56, 7 replies)

Many years ago, before the sperm the made me slipped through the net.
A man named John came to work for the same company as my dad. He and Dad became friends, and before long they'd met up outside of work and John had introduced his wife, Daisy.
Many years passed. My Dad married my Mum, and John and Daisy were invited. I was born and Christened, and John and Daisy were invited (to the Christening, at least). We threw a surprise 40th birthday party for my Mum, and, yes, John and Daisy were invited.
After about 25 years of knowing them, after sending her 25 Christmas cards and 25 birthday cards, we received a Christmas card written by her rather than him, as was the norm.
It was signed "John and Juliette".
(Paolo Nutini's Bikini Better than Frederick Fleet's optometrist, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 11:34, 2 replies)

Seriously - I do have a dog.
Honest.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 11:06, 6 replies)

I'm not little
or a monkey
( Crap Little Monkey Deathstar, so good they built it twice, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 10:45, 3 replies)

Thank you Wonderful
One night in work most of the staff (5 in total including yours truly) ordered some chinese food*. Now future Mrs. Speed doesn't take kindly to me eating food late at night as she doesn't like it for some reason (probably think its bad for my health) but considering that I was going to eat it in work** then she would be none the wiser.

So I though to myself "Fuck it, I'm starving" so I ordered food aswell, someone took what everyone wanted down on a piece of paper and all was sorted. But an hour later the food hadn't come. Now it was about 10:30pm and I finish work in about an hour so I asks the boss lady have she ordered the food yet? "I've only just done it now" came the reply. Now considering that all the staff have the same taxi home and i'm the first drop off I figured the missus would kill me when I walk through the door with the chinese offerings so there was no option, I had to scoff the lot when it came.

30 minutes later the food comes and there I am scoffing as much as I can down my gullet as fast as I can***, Within 10 minutes the entire lot was gone, How I managed to eat such a large meal in one go I have no idea. I wash it down with a Coke^TM (other cola based drinks are availiable) and let out a large belch, a sign of a worthy meal and luckly for me I wouldn't get a bollocking off the missus.

45 minutes later taxi and i'm home, Now I had a gut feeling that she was going to suspect that i'd been eating (considering the curry breath that i'm going to have) so I walk through the door and the following happens...

Me: "Hello hun"
F.M.S: Hi babe"
Me: "You ok?"
F.M.S: "Yeah i'm fine, Work ok?"
Me: "Yeah, All good"

It was at this point that I could smell something,

Me: "What's that smell?"
F.M.S: "Oh, As you didn't have food before you went to work I made you Pizza and Chips for when you come home."
Me:"..."

She only made me fucking food at 12:00am, The very time of night she wouldn't want me eating. Now I had to eat this, On a very full stomach, As well as get away with eating a very large chinese meal and her not knowing about it. Was very sick the next day, She never knew and still doesn't but never doing that again.

Am I seriously that under the thumb?

Length?, I have a big cock

*4 Chicken Balls (literally the size of bollocks), Egg Fried Rice Chips and Curry sauce incase you want to know.
** How I can get away with eating while serving pints I have no idea.
(Claude Speed was a Roman called Claudius Speedicus, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 9:52, 45 replies)

I've got a dog
But you can't come 'round and see him, because, er ... he's a bit ill at the moment, you see. So, er ... he's not really in the mood for being with people, er ...

But I do have a dog. Definitely. Definitely definitely. A dog. Yes. That's right - I'm a dog owner.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 9:48, Reply)

Not really a lie, but something of a strange discovery.
I found out this weekend that I have spent the last 2 years thinking I was a year older than I actually am.

How the fuck do you lose track of something like that?
(username failed moderation, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 9:27, 6 replies)

Seems like little point in trying to twist this into a tale.
Just watch the fucking video -
www.youtube.com/watch?v=iaysTVcounI
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Mon 12 Mar 2012, 8:07, Reply)

V 'I am not a crook' V
( jakedamusss I understand, and dont care., Mon 12 Mar 2012, 3:39, Reply)

I never tell a lie,
at least not one that can't be plausibly explained away as a misunderstanding.
(the other guy not the one that gave you coochie warts, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 2:09, Reply)

I sneezed
couldn't find a tissue so blew me nose into that sock.

It seemed brilliant and plausible as a youthful one-hand wonder. The lie still exists but the truth was realised after about half a second.
(Hansdown, Sun 11 Mar 2012, 20:55, 1 reply)

Lying to oneself.
A colleague of mine is forever complaining that she just cannot lose weight. (She wants a baby and obesity decreases the chance of conceiving a considerable amount) ''I just cannot lose weight, I'v even been on the slimfast diet and NOTHING happened.'' The blob sobs. I mentioned that she had a double bacon cheeseburger for Breakfast so maybe she is not trying as well as she could be. ''Its because dieting doesn't work for me, I'v just given up on it. I'm getting a gastric bypass...no other way''. I don't mention her weight...not my business. However it gets ever so annoying every other day listening to her tell me how she's ''just not eating very well at the moment....only had scrambled eggs all day...sometimes do you feel to sick to eat? I do I only had a sandwich and coke yesterday.''
I went to hers for boxing day between her and her fella consumed a WHOLE three bird roast AND a joint of lamb. (what they didn't eat lunch time put in a butty with mayonnaise and gobbled up for tea) The sickening, sweaty sack of swill.
(shezam slouching towards nirvana., Sun 11 Mar 2012, 18:39, 15 replies)

I told my nine year old nephew I'd get him an Xbox 360 for Christmas.
This lie started at the beginning of September, and by the beginning of December, he was practically pissing himself with excitement. As the day approached my long suffering sister had a daily nightmare with a kid so wound up by being in a state of perpetual ecstasy.

Here's a picture of his face when he realised I had in fact got him The Children's Illustrated Dictionary of Science.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/45309699@N05/6827184682/
( The Awful Puppy Bakery is still bored, Sun 11 Mar 2012, 18:39, 2 replies)

Posting excerpts from Star Wars
as answers for qotw is really funny. Honest.

I don't know who started this particular lie, but it really has gone on for far too long.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Sun 11 Mar 2012, 18:28, 7 replies)

Of course I'm on the pill.

( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Sun 11 Mar 2012, 18:22, 1 reply)

Apparently...
Those WERE the droids we were looking for.
(Tiktock Beating off flamers with a shitty stick, Sun 11 Mar 2012, 12:25, 2 replies)

I love you

(IdlePeAcEsign if trouble were my mistress, i'd send her to them, Sun 11 Mar 2012, 0:45, 4 replies)

This one is but hours old.
A friend of mine's just had his first child. I texted him to find out whether she'd got a name yet, as she was slightly premature and they weren't quite ready.

"Yes." he replied. "It's Alice Louise Stevenson."*
"Cool mate! Congratulations."
"Do me a favour, my phone's nearly out of free texts, and you've got an unlimited contract. Text round and spread the word, would you?"
"Sure thing, mate, sure thing."

And now many of our less pop-culture-savvy friends genuinely believe that the baby's name is Alice Louise Stormageddon Stevenson.

Gone on too long? Perhaps, but personally, I really hope it sticks. Imagine the things she could acomplish with a name like that; the mighty empires she could grind to dust beneath her heel! Hail, hail, a thousand times hail!

*Not her real name, obviously. I'm not condemning the poor wee mite to B3ta ignominy within days of her birth. I'm a bastard, but not that big a bastard.
(universalpsykopath loves what you've done with your hair., Sat 10 Mar 2012, 23:54, 7 replies)