alright

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Tue 2 Jun 2015, 15:29, Reply)

What happened to that cycling one
it had one of my lovely poeaams in it

now i am angry u fucccking CUNTS

AND YOU DON'T MAKE A TIME LADY ANGRY
(Dr Skagra glorious glargzhem, Tue 2 Jun 2015, 14:56, 6 replies)

failure when trying to troll on the internet?
just loldelete and no one will ever know how dumb you looked
(katie hopkins telling it where its at, Tue 2 Jun 2015, 14:52, 25 replies)

Putting your car in the garage?
Get a round of applause each time you do by lining your garage with bubble wrap!
www.tinyurl.com/p57emh4
(Captain Coffee Break, Tue 2 Jun 2015, 13:27, Reply)

OK, so every week he's basically asking for it.
But should he really be given it?

Is he more likely to commit suicide if it stops, or if it continues? And how does this relate back to the first question?
(eViLegion Chief Commissioner of the Scottish Lunacy Board, Tue 2 Jun 2015, 13:26, 10 replies)

How to cope with BASTARD ALIEN CUNTS
I've been around a fair bit, and during my travels throughout Time and Space have encountered many alien species, some of them nice, some of them nasty, some of them sort of meh. Here are my Top Tips / Life Hacks for dealing with the middle category.

Autons: Always carry a vial of Anti-Plastic which you can chuck on them and they will melt.

Axons: Trap them in a time loop that's sort of like a complicated figure of 8.

Androgums: Always carry a load of Pork pies, Scotch eggs, etc to sate the appetite of any hungry Androgum on uour scent.

Bandrils: Sock it to 'em!

Cybermen: Gold, radiation, gravity - almost anything works on these cunts.

Daleks: Fuck it, just run away.

Drashigs: If you have any pies left over from your encounter with the Androgum, now is the time to use them.

Eternals: These God-like beings are easily bored, so a Rubiks' Revenge should keep them occupied whilst you make your escape.

Fendahleens: Salt. As for a fully-developed Fendahl gestalt, you're pretty much fucked, so try to destroy its constituent parts with aforementioned salt before the gestalt can form.

Gastropods: Again, salt.

Gubbage Cones: Weedkiller.

Horda: Tuck your trousers into your socks and spray the pesky horde a Horda with Raid.

Ice Warriors: Simply turn the heating up.

Judoon: These 'Space Police Rhino's are sticklers for rules so when apprehended simply quote 'Intergalactic Treaty Regulation #347324 at them, and escape whilst they try to look it up (it doesn't exist so they won't be able to find it!)

Kastrians: If in male form, trip up with scarf. If in female form, seduce, but watch out for abrasions.

Krynoids: If infected with a Krynoid, simply lop off the affected limb. If confronted by a rampaging Krynoid, try some of that weedkiller left over from your tussle with the Gubbage Cones. If Krynoid has reached size of St Paul's Cathedral, an air-strike is called for, before the cunt reaches primary germination.

Monoids: A poke it it's single eye with a sharp stick usually does the trick.

Myrkas: You know what to do - HI-YAAAH!

Nimons: The Nimon waits for no man, so simply don't be there.

Ogrons: These stupid cunts are so stupid, so give them a piece of paper with PTO written on both sides, and make good your escape. N.B. Worth writing the acronym out in full, so thick are the Ogrons. N.B. They can't read, so this doesn't work. So perhaps just shoot them in the face.

Plasmatons: Don't worry, these are 'armless.

Quarks: These are more dangerous than they look - don't be fooled by their comical appearance. They quickly run out of energy, so wear them out by playing some sort of clever game of 'cat and mouse' with them until their power is as exhausted as you are after your twelfth wank of the day.

Rutans: Start a conversation about their interminable war with the Sontarans. As the Rutan rants on and on about their strategic military superiority over the Sontaran scum, make good your escape.

Sontarans: Start a conversation about their interminable war with the Rutans. As the Sontaran rants on and on about their strategic military superiority over the Rutan scum, make good your escape. (The probic vent thing no longer works, they've engineered it out).

Taran Wood Beasts: Tally Ho!

Usurians: Pull the plug!

Vervoids: If you have any weedkiller left over from your tussles with the Gubbage Cones and the Krynoids, now is the time to use it.

Voords: Yank their dangly thing, they will shriek and run away.

Wirrns: If you have any Raid left over from your escapades with the Horda, now is the time to use it.

Zarbi: If you have any Raid left over from your escapades with the Horda and the Wirrn, now is the time to use it.

HTH sweetiezse!

LAIGH8TERZZZZS!

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
(Dr Skagra glorious glargzhem, Mon 1 Jun 2015, 16:38, 9 replies)

like sleeping in of a weekend?
don't have kids.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Mon 1 Jun 2015, 16:37, 1 reply)

Clinically obese people, do your legs ache after a few steps?
Why not roll everywhere it takes the strain off your legs.
( $$ ✅, Mon 1 Jun 2015, 14:02, 6 replies)

If you're vegetarian but still miss the taste of meat
have some meat. It won't hurt you or anything.
( Fork Has lost his bash virginity!, Mon 1 Jun 2015, 13:56, 5 replies)

Poke 35899,0
Bindun?
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 1 Jun 2015, 12:52, 4 replies)

Hack your life
by accessing the Matrix and changing the source code so that all your spoons melt and any bullets fired at you by scenery-chewing bad guys will suffer sudden erectile dysfunction merely metres from the target.
( .Yeti. El amor en los tiempos del cólera, Mon 1 Jun 2015, 8:19, Reply)

Improve your life considerably
By removing from it any one who uses the term life hack in a sincere way. These people are interminable cunts and should not be tolerated.
(sadsack, Mon 1 Jun 2015, 7:13, Reply)

Construct some shoes out of Lego
That way if you stand on a piece it doesn't hurt, you just get taller.

Classic Top Tips.
( spanishfly is so fucking sexy people impersonate him, Sun 31 May 2015, 22:24, 4 replies)

since this is top tips all over again
push rice crispies into your car tyres for that expensive gravel driveway feel
( Reme Philips laid an epic dump on, Sun 31 May 2015, 16:20, 5 replies)

If you need to take children to a high powered function and you're worried about how others will perceive them
just give them a cigarette to smoke. It instantly makes them look cool and sophisticated.
( $$ ✅, Sun 31 May 2015, 10:56, 2 replies)

when using a public toilet, grab a hand-full of toilet paper and wipe the seat.

The benefits of this are three-fold (three ply)
1: you have already established that there is enough bog roll to accomodate you
2: you may have wiped AIDS off the seat, saving expensive medical costs later
3: your stool now has a soft landing, helping to eliminate the dreaded 'splashback'
(Frample Tromwibbler climbs an obstacle like old people fuck, Sat 30 May 2015, 15:52, 6 replies)

Upset?
Calm down.
(eViLegion Chief Commissioner of the Scottish Lunacy Board, Sat 30 May 2015, 12:44, 4 replies)

Lazy moderator on a dying comedy website?
Try copying the week's question from one that already has its own permanent thread.
( idonthaveafunnynickname Drink-Aware? Sure. I'm aware I want another drink., Sat 30 May 2015, 1:32, 3 replies)

Save time and toilet paper in the mornings by removing the grid plate off the drain in your shower
Then you can shower and shit at the same time, and with a bit of side footing your turds will sail majestically down the hole. And being in the shower, your ringpiece will be as clean as a whistle. Think how much you'll save on toilet paper!
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Fri 29 May 2015, 22:40, 2 replies)

If you are seeking a private maths tutor, make sure you ask for proof that the tutor is not a spider.
Spiders count in base 8, as opposed to the base 10 used by humans. For example, in spider mathematics 11 x 11 is 171, which would be incorrect in a human maths class.
(iwrite4u, Fri 29 May 2015, 20:37, 1 reply)

Cockroaches will drown in soapy water
The trick is to coax them into soapy water. I tried distributing pots of soapy water throughout my apartment with barbs of meat bait suspended above, but all I managed to do was create an infernal obstacle course, especially at night.
(Perv With A Dog had his eyes pecked out by scrub jays on, Fri 29 May 2015, 20:06, Reply)

Time saving tips
1. Eat your breakfast in the bath, if you have one rather than a shower. Works well for student houses, which rarely have a working shower.

2. If you cycle to work, you need to do up the buttons on your work shirt before folding it into your bag/panniers. There is no need to undo them all again before putting it on...just the top two and the cuffs.

3. To get a cauliflower into a small plastic bag in the supermarket, put your hand inside the bag, grab the stalk of the cauliflower through the bag and turn the bag inside out.

4. Don't wait for a petrol pump "on the correct side". The hose reaches to the other side anyway.

5. Commercial TV channels are much more tolerable if you record everything to a PVR and just skip the adverts when watching stuff.

6. Never use the Circle Line. It sucks and you will always be late.
(rogerzilla, Fri 29 May 2015, 20:03, 4 replies)

When looking at your other half's phone
use your penis (or women, use a sausage) to navigate the touch screen so you don't leave finger prints.
( $$ ✅, Fri 29 May 2015, 18:25, Reply)

A paste of crushed parsley, coconut and pigeon fat
applied to a person's left butt cheek can help treat racism.
( $$ ✅, Fri 29 May 2015, 18:23, 3 replies)

Same socks...
Buy a job lot of socks, all the same, you'll never have to match a pair again. it takes about 30 seconds per week to match socks up giving you an extra 26 minutes Fapping time a year!
( JamHamster My eyes, my beautiful eyes!, Fri 29 May 2015, 16:51, 12 replies)

Can anyone explain to me the difference between this
and this?
( Zuowan, Fri 29 May 2015, 16:50, 5 replies)