When we bought our flat the missus wanted the double-glazed window in the bathroom replaced
I talked to some guys I'd worked with when I was doing property maintenance who found me a window and fitted it for free.
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Mon 30 Mar 2015, 10:48, 33 replies)

DIY cunts
I was doing up the nursery before the arrival of our daughter. Went to B&Q in Beijing and got three tins of paint, brushes, thinners, etc. At the till there were three guys "operating" it, in the traditional council way of one working and two watching. Guy on the till says there was a barcode missing on one of the brushes.

"Oh," I say.

"You need to get another brush."

"Surely one of you can do it," I say.

They look at me utterly dumbfounded. Customer service is a concept that's utterly alien in China, like not hawking up your phlegm and splurting it everywhere. "Oh no..." he says. "We are all needed here."

OK, whatever. Sure you are. I go and hunt down the brush. I return to pay for my goods. Dumbass on the till only charges me for one pot of paint. And I say nothing and leave.
(McChinaman banned, Mon 30 Mar 2015, 10:43, Reply)

I've never felt the need to get double glazing.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Mon 30 Mar 2015, 9:45, 5 replies)

Fucking Safestyle UK conned my wife and I into signing a contract to have £2500 worth of windows fitted
3 days later we found a guy to fit the same windows for £250 less VAT as long as we made the cheque out to "our lass".
Lucky for us the shiny suited Safestyle UK sales "executive" had put down September 31st as the install date on our "contract".
So we went with the husband and wife combo instead and told the thieving Bradford based bastards to do one.
( buffet_the_appetite_slayer ٩(●̮̃•)۶ jacked in to the ICE on, Sun 29 Mar 2015, 22:59, 2 replies)

About 14 years ago, I fitted £100 worth of double glazing in someone's house but told them it was worth £2500 and that they'd have to pay a 10% deposit.


Winnar.
( Fork Has lost his bash virginity!, Sun 29 Mar 2015, 20:28, Reply)

I got
about £2500 worth of double glazing done on my house about 14 years ago, I paid 10% deposit, the work got done, and I never got a bill for the remainder.
( social hand grenade I was a lurker before you were a lurker, Sun 29 Mar 2015, 15:24, Reply)

I once got roped into a coterie
Someone in Vegas with clout. The hotel's top floor was jammed with all-night party people, but Mr. Big had reserved the central space, which featured a couch. I could go wherever I wished, but only four people were allowed to approach the couch. I felt like a goldfish at a cat convention. Beautiful women made brazen overtures, in the hope they too could rest their tired feet. People disguised resentful glances with happy smiles. Then the time expired, and I became rabble once more.
(Perv With A Dog had his eyes pecked out by scrub jays on, Sun 29 Mar 2015, 13:35, 1 reply)

Winning the internet
I take the mick out of plebs for posting on beeta whilst on holiday. Hahahahhahahaha, get this though; I spend my pretend holidays logged in to beeta on my mobile device. Hahahahhahahaha,
(Bum Bag Fashion Boy Burned a home made pizza on, Sun 29 Mar 2015, 6:19, 5 replies)

Listed something on ebay at £99 start.
Had a message from someone telling me was I aware I'd made a mistake in the start price that should have been 99p not £99.
I replied saying there was no mistake.
They then said I was deluded and would be watching and laughing when it didn't sell.
It sold for £180
Needless to say...etc
(insomniac-surfer oh go on then, just this once, Sat 28 Mar 2015, 23:36, 5 replies)

Finally...
After literally seconds of arduous research, I finally confirmed that Dr. Skagra is, indeed, Tracey Ullman's mum.
(Howland C. Pousiccat sailed away, Sat 28 Mar 2015, 15:31, 1 reply)

I had a great shit this morning and didn't need to wipe.

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Sat 28 Mar 2015, 13:15, 14 replies)

Someone grassed me up to my boss for being silly on the internet.
And I've still got a job.
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Sat 28 Mar 2015, 12:12, 2 replies)

I was at a cafe this afternoon, having my latte and doing the crossword while my daughter made a mess of their toy box
We were the last ones left as they were closing, and the waitress offered me two free sandwiches to take home. Ham,mozzarella and cherry tomatoes on soda bread. Can any of your readers beat that?
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Sat 28 Mar 2015, 8:21, 7 replies)

( $$ ✅, Sat 28 Mar 2015, 8:13, Reply)

I saw Faith No More live recently
Oh wait, that's more of a small victory.
(Rilux might be pregnant and has bum-aids, Sat 28 Mar 2015, 5:05, 4 replies)

this one time I jumped over a shark

(Good evening Good evening, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 21:49, 7 replies)

So I was sitting at the lights in my Honda Accord
When some mummys boy with more money that sense pulled up next to me in a Nissan R35 GTR looking smug and obvoiusly igrorant of my awesome VTEC power.

Needless to say when the lights went green I absolutely smoked him and as I looked at back at his sorrowful dissapointed face getting smaller and smaller in my rear view mirror I blew my load into the mouth of the super model that had been sucking me off during my moment of glory.

I then pulled over so I could snort another line of coke off her ample cleaveage before picking up her equally hot sister so the three of us could spend a pleasent evening on a rug in front of the fire.
( Reme Philips laid an epic dump on, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 20:59, 2 replies)

I once saw Alexei Sayle in the northbound car park of Keele Services on the M6.

( brb homonecrobatrachophile, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 18:10, Reply)

Spotted an Old Speckled Hen Mini Keg, 5 Litres, for a tenner at Asda one night last year.
That's £6 off! Scooped it up, frowned a bit at the bill as it didn't seem right...

Shrugged, bore it home, opened it, drank the lot with Mr Quar, took a look at the till receipt next morning, noticed that I'd only been charged ONE POUND!

Yup, that's a quid for 5 litres of Hen. Lovely.
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 18:02, 14 replies)

When I was about 10 I went to Church for the very first and only time. Why? Because 'Songs Of Praise' was filming at my local house of worship.
And I got a fucking close-up on the programme. Get in!!
( fred zeppelin II: Electric Boogaloo, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 17:07, 9 replies)

this place could do with a few gifs

( $$ ✅, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 16:17, 5 replies)

Every time I read one of emvee's posts, I feel like a winner.

(eViLegion Chief Commissioner of the Scottish Lunacy Board, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 13:22, 15 replies)

A couple of months ago
I successfully gave my name to one of those "your computer has viruses" cold-callers as Mr Jack Meoff.
(cs1ca, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 12:25, 3 replies)

My dad is an accountant
Not relevant, just thought I'd let you know.
( SpikeyPickle wishes he was mabazaritchie, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 11:57, 39 replies)

I saw a guy walking ahead of me, wearing fucking shorts in the middle of winter on a Monday morning.
Fucking shorts!

As I got closer and overtook him, two coppers emerged from a side street, and stopped him for a "chat". I nodded to myself as I walked on by, satisfied that the long arm of the law had caught up with him, and that he would be dealt with appropriately.
(eViLegion Chief Commissioner of the Scottish Lunacy Board, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 11:24, 8 replies)

Karma Kashpoint
While strolling around New York, being a total tourist, I saw a guy selling CD-Walkmans from a suitcase, for $20. This was back when CD-Walkmans were desirable consumer tech, of course, rather than laughable museum pieces, and worth a lot more than $20.

Now, I strongly suspected that these were dodgy in some way - stolen, broken, whatever - even though they appeared to be in new packaging. Even so, for reasons I don't fully understand, I decided to get one - just for the experience, really.

Back at the hotel, I had a closer look. The "New Packaging" was actually just the headphones - the player itself had been shrink-wrapped onto this, so it looked like a single bubble-pack. And, you'll be amazed to hear, it didn't work.

Oh well, I thought, that's £12 I won't see again. But I was wrong - half an hour later I found $20 on the sidewalk.
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 10:53, 10 replies)

Rewind's recordings become a movie that charts the crew's adventures, including an intrusion into another robotic civil war, the mystery of Rung's alternate mode, and a visit from one of the greatest Autobots around!
In a series of brief talking-head segments, the crew of the Lost Light introduce themselves to the audience as a set of title cards appear between soundbytes: "Little Victories: A film by Rewind of Lower Petrohex". After everyone has given their names, Rewind turns his camera around to introduce his film, created at Rodimus's request, through a combination of his perpetual recordings of the goings-on on the ship and footage from the many security cameras installed on the vessel by Red Alert. To begin the movie proper, we see Rodimus requesting its filming, followed by a candid clip of Ultra Magnus expressing some concern at potentially looking ridiculous as a result of questionable editing decisions. Rodimus gives him permission to censor the finished product if necessary, and blacked-out sections of the film prove he wasn't shy about it.

While lounging around in the ship's oil reservoir, Rewind, Swerve and Tailgate talk about the cool alternate modes of their teammates, and the conversation turns to the mystery of what Rung turns into. Swerve wagers a hundred Shanix to the first person to figure it out, and starts trying by "accidentally" clonking him on the head in hopes of automatically triggering a transformation. Talking-head clips of Tailgate and Swerve reflecting on their wager turn to talk of hobbies, a topic that Rewind gets Skids to weigh in on; the theoretician lists "meeting new people", and recalls an encounter on Hedonia...

The film shifts to Hedonia, some time beforehand, and shows Skids and Whirl meeting the Ammonites, a race of mechanical beings engaged in a civil war with their enemies the Terradores. Whirl disparages their conflict in comparison with the Transformers' own, but it soon becomes apparent that the Ammonites trump the Cybertronians at every turn: their war has lasted sixteen million years rather than four, they have ten-changing "Decabots" instead of just Six Changers, and while the Transformers are still trying to master Combiner technology, the Ammonites are all interchangeable combiners, and prove it by separating into their diminutive component 'bots. The two 'bots are enjoying a drink with their new rivals when a patron alerts the barman to the arrival of a huge Terradorian cruiser. As the Ammonites panic, Whirl strides outside and, with Skids looking on, quickly and easily murders the Terradore leader Imperius Drax, smugly informing his new "friends" that that is how it's done.

Another talking-head segment follows, as Rewind asks each crew-member if they are "happy", to a variety of positive, confused, suspicious and veiled answers. A short scene of Tailgate trying and failing to trick Rung into transforming with an "alt-mode party" comes next, after which the movie shows Rodimus arriving in the Lost Light communication suite wearing a makeshift "Megatron" helmet made from a bucket for a theme night as Swerve's. Blaster informs him that they have received a message from Thunderclash, captain of the Vis Vitalis, who is quickly proven by another series of soundbytes from the crew to be one of the most popular, awesome, super-cool and handsome Autobots in the whole entire universe. Rodimus, however, is not a fan, and an extremely passive-aggressive exchange of pleasantries follows as Thunderclash comes aboard with his first officer Paddox. Rodimus tries to show off his crew, but Thunderclash knows them all well: he actually gets a hug from Ultra Magnus when he compliments his writings on "the relationship between typograpy and military justice", he impresses Drift by respecting his religion with an appropriate greeting, and he turns out to be old friends from medical school with Ratchet. Rodimus just about holds himself together through all of this, but explodes when Thunderclash reveals that he is on a quest for the Knights of Cybertron too! He angrily demands to know what Thunderclash wants, and the film cuts away to segments from Ratchet and First Aid that explain that the Vis Vitalis is actually a huge, wireless life support machine that keeps the gravely-wounded Thunderclash alive, and that he has come to the Lost Light hoping for a ship-to-ship jumpstart to replenish his vessel's failing power supply.

A little later, Thunderclash walks Perceptor through how to use the quantum engines to accomplish the power-transfer, but just before the process is activated, Paddox suddenly pulls a gun on Thunderclash, revealing himself to be an Ammonite deep-cover agent! The Ammonites, it turns out, are actually the bad guys in their war, and following Whirl's assassination of the Terradores' leader, all Ammonites have been recalled for a big push back against the extreme tactics of his successor—tactics that potentially include allying with the mysterious "Dark Cyclops". "Paddox" intends to take the Autobots' quantum engines for the Ammonite war effort, but is abruptly taken out in the most unusual way possible: Swerve sneaks up and clobbers him over the head with... Rung in alternate mode. The film cuts away briefly for Rung to explain that even he doesn't know what his odd, cylindrical alternate mode is—he was classified as an "ornament" by the Functionist Council—then cuts back to Thunderclash thanking Rodimus for his efforts, and Rodimus quietly whispering to Rewind that he has begun to regret the candid nature of the movie...

On Luna 1, the Circle of Light boo the movie, which Skids is playing as part of a recruitment drive, hoping to get some of the Circle to join the Lost Light. The Circle mock the movie and the entire ship's crew, accusing them all of being crazies and shirkers who never make any progress in their quest, and all leave, with some thinking of signing up with Thunderclash. Behind Skids, on the screen, the movie continues to roll on...

A final talking-head segment sees Rewind ask each of the crewmembers what they hope is next for them. Some see the end in sight and some think the journey itself and the friends they've made are what it's all about, but Tailgate sums it up best when he says: "Who knows?" For the final scene of the movie, Rewind calls all his friends together for a group shot in Swerve's, not caring who stands where as along as everyone is together.
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 10:02, 17 replies)